3 years on and still missing my ex

[Sufferingsoul34]

Hi all,

I haven’t posted on her for a while but basically I was married (still am legally) to my body ex in America for 7 years (I’m in the U.K.).
I moved back to the U.K. on my own 3 years ago when my ex after the 50+ time told me to leave it’s over. I couldn’t handle anymore of it and this time it seemed like she really wanted it to be over. I left took a suitcase and moved my life back to England.

It took me a while to get myself sorted and to ‘find myself’ again. Finally set up my life after 9 months and build a new group of friends/moved to a new city.

Once this was done it was like my ex had a sixth sense and she started contacting me kind of finding for an argument. I was drunk one night and messaged her back everything id done for her and that I tried my best in a marriage and i could try anymore. She didn’t like my response and sent me a message saying she knew where my family lived and threatening everybody and ‘happy 2020’ in her words. This of course made me worried for the rest of the year that she was going to do something. (She had never threatened this stuff before).I even advised the police of this because I was so worried. Turns out it was a mind game and nothing happened…

Early 2021 she decided to contact me again out of the blue. I had some missed calls. It was almost as though she had waited for me to suffer 2020 then contact me 2021. She said she wanted to see me and ask if she could call me often. It sounded like she was just going through a breakup and lonely. I kept saying it wasn’t a good idea and was mid lockdown (I was tempted though but also in a relationship myself at the time with my girlfriend due to move in with me).

We didn’t end up meeting and she stopped contacting again. A few months ago I heard she’s got a new boyfriend and posting all over social media… but then a month ago she contacted me again out of the blue to tell me that her best friends long term partner had suddenly died (I knew him but not very well). I am unsure why she would be contacting me and not dealing with it with her new parttner…

Anyway after 3 years I keep dreaming about her and thinking whether I made the right decision leaving her and not trying one more time… can’t get her off my mind… after so many years of push pull and suffering from ptsd since I have no idea why I would still consider wanting her back… anybody feel the same after breaking up with their bpd ex? I was thinking time would be the biggest healer but 3 years on it still hurts…

[Biggus]

Probably most people will miss their bpd exes. But why do you miss yours? Do you think you could make it work if you gave it another go?
 

[Dad50]

It's literally like an addiction. the cravings will still be there, and the addiction will fight to perpetuate itself. Sometimes the cravings or triggers will be stronger, but that is exactly what it is. It's a toxic addiction craving that endorphin rush, and trying to convince you that you can control it this time. Use it in a healthy way. I am sorry you are struggling, but understand completely. I quit drinking 25 years ago. I quit my BPD ex 4 months ago. This quitting has been way harder, but it feels the like a super similar process.

This place helped save me. I am still broke, but more whole than I was in my relationship.

[once removed]

I was thinking time would be the biggest healer but 3 years on it still hurts…

this is a perfect illustration of why "time heals all wounds" is a myth. if it were true, our exes would all be cured.

if you break your arm, and leave it to time, time will reduce the pain, and your arm will do some version of "healing" on its own. you will almost certainly always have a bum arm.

if you put it in a cast, follow protocol, stay off of it, not only will it heal, but theres a very good chance it will eventually be even stronger than before.

there are some aspects of healing you have postponed, avoided, or perhaps may not be aware of yet. those things have a way of lingering.

having said that, part of it is because in a lot of ways, you are still involved. youre still legally married. the two of you still go at it. part of you is still attached to hope. its hard to heal when the dynamic is, while different, fundamentally the same.