Another case example of BPD care

[judee]

For the ones that haven't followed my story, I am 2 months out of a relationship with a diagnosed BPD. First 8 weeks were magical, then everything spiralled down, lots of anger that didn't make sense to me. Finally broke up with him in December 2021.

My ex cared a LOT. At least that is what I always thought, because he was on top of everything that happened in my life and wanted to provide solutions and stay involved.  But I still am baffled how that could switch into a total lack of empathy ( or order of severity) in a whim. I am asking myself is the care than actual care?

I remember he was abroad when I had to be taken into the hospital last October with quite a serious issue.
Because he couldn't be there with me (which he hated, he almost flew back but I told him I'd be fine) I made sure we stayed in contact a lot, calling a couple of times a day, texting in between.
I told him ( warned him kind of ) that on the day of the procedure I will probably not be in contact much, because I would be sedated. So he was prepared for that as well. I told him I would contact him as soon as I was awake.
After the procedure I had to stay for a couple of hours to wake up, after that my friends brought me home. I was asleep most of the time in the back of the car home.
First thing I did ( at around 1500 pm) when I got home is call him.

I already heard his hostlity in his voice. He asked why I called so late. I told him what happened and that I was not entirely awake yet. hello,  I was in an operation room, sedated just a few hours ago!)  I also told him the diagnosis ( quite a severe autoimmune disease) to which he didn't respond. He stayed in his own discomfort and fear of abandonment triggered by me not calling in time. He stayed upset and uninvolved until we hung up.
To me this was just so painful. I remember the loneliness I felt.

I don't know why I am writing this. Maybe as a typical example of how much BPD was enmeshed in every situation we encountered.
I was reading in the time on how to handle BPD.. some websites say to distinguish BPD behaviour from the person. I truly do not understand how that is even possible.

[Turkish]

You were in the hospital recently in October (are you doing better? ) And broke up in December. Do you feel like you're second guessing things on how you might have handled it better?

In my experience, when a pwBPD is emotionally triggered, empathy takes a vacation and the dominant emotion is the need to feel validated. I experienced it with my ex, and I saw it with her subsequent marriage, a guy whom she put on a much higher pedestal than she ever did me.

You were in a severe crisis and needed support, even if just emotionally. If you can't count on that, what can you count upon?

[judee]

Hi Turkish,

I am doing much better then I did,  thank you.
Yea, you are right that he needed validation at that moment...
I do doubt myself. Think a lot of times I could have seen better he just needed to be validated.

When he expressed being upset with me and pulling back again after me calling h after I got back from the hospital, (I shared the day, how I got taken in , sedated, how it went going with my friends.. he didn't respond with anything but a hmm),
I litteraly said: 'No. You are not taking this one.'
I kept sharing what happened that day but he kept silent..I also felt there was a part of jealousy in it because two of my friends were with me that day and he couldn't. I know from the past that makes him extremely uncomfortable. He expressed he wanted to be the one that cares the most, called the most, shares the most with me.

I guess I saw the insanity of a life with him in flash forward and what it  means to be with him. 
I actually am still proud I put my foot down at that moment ( instead of the countless times before I started apologising and soothing him, just in order to stay connected)..but it just felt like a veil got lifted more and more and I am left feeling : 'but if I/he/we could just...what if I... ?'
Two months out and I am still in love with with him and have no idea how to turn that off.

[GTS22]

I hear you Judee.  I feel the same way.  I can’t turn it off either.  And I was only involved in my relationship for 2-1/2 months and broke up 2 months ago.  This makes no sense.