Remaining issues…

[thankful person]

Hi all,
Hope you’re doing well. I just wanted to say thank you as always for all the advice and support on here. It’s been an amazing few months for me. Learning how to not anger my wife so much, to the point she shouts a lot lot less. I am taking better care of myself. Standing up for myself. Doing more of the things I want to do. Crucially, my children are experiencing a day to day environment that is much more calm and healthy. I feel so thankful and relieved.
I am constantly challenging myself to do things I want to do which may upset or annoy my wife. She is handling it well as I am prepared to deal with her reaction. If I want to do something and I’m worried about her reaction, a little voice in me says, “Do it”. And mostly, I do.
There are still some things bothering me. I want us to go and visit my parents - AGAIN! - before we move house (date unknown). We have only done this once ever and it was a massive accomplishment. My father is not well enough to travel to us. I’m nervous of raising this issue with her. The voice keeps saying, “Do it” but I don’t
There is some low-level deceit going on. I am making sure to sometimes dress the children in clothes my mother bought them. This has been something I used to be too scared to do. But some of the clothes have gone missing and wife claims ignorance. The house is in chaos as we started packing to move last July. But I did all the packing and certainly haven’t packed those clothes.
A small thing that irks me is - so silly - when my mum comments on my wife’s Facebook posts, (generally involving the children) my wife often deletes mum’s comments. Example my wife built a tent from her own childhood and my mum asked, “has the baby crawled in yet?” Mum even mentioned it to me as she thought it strange the comment disappeared then she put it again. And then it disappeared again but not sure if mum noticed. Wife said it annoyed her that mum was making it about the baby not her. Another time my mum said “beautiful” on a photo of wife and baby. And my wife thought the comment was just about the baby not her so she deleted it. I just feel sad not to see all mum’s comments. Yesterday we took the kids to the cinema and I saw mum commented on the photo, but the comments had gone by the time I went to look at it so I never saw what she said. I didn’t confront my wife this time. It’s easier to pretend I never saw it.
Also… I got rid of my acoustic piano early on in our relationship as my wife didn’t like the fact it had been in the house with my ex for 14 years. Um I was also in the house with my ex for 14 years. Lol. Anyway, I then just had a cheap keyboard until my wife bought a really good one for herself but that I could borrow. During lockdown she started allowing me to use it to teach piano lessons online. The plan was always that when we move house, we’d buy a beautiful acoustic piano, for our family and so I could teach at home. As we didn’t end up moving, we now have the piano here. My wife is working hard to learn but she doesn’t have much time. But she has now announced that she doesn’t want me using it to teach. So I get to use the digital one which is very good and one I would recommend. It is supposedly our piano but actually I paid for it on my credit card and I will be paying for it.
Thoughts welcome as always.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[thankful person]

Something I forgot to mention was about my wife asking me to get out of the front room while she gets comfortable on the sofa. Sometimes I have to take baby out and bring her back for breast feeding. Since I’ve started acted with more self respect, plus walking away from her stroppy behaviour, she has started asking me more politely, and not usually shouting.. and not screeching about how I have been useless in not buying a new sofa/bed… and I respond by saying ok I’m just off to do something (in the house, usually housework or work admin), so she has to be without me for some time as a consequence of asking me to leave the room. Just wondering on peoples thoughts. I don’t really want to sit it out with her screeching and me refusing to move out the room, even though I know I have just as much right to be there. And that may lead to her physically removing me as she has done it before but not for some time.

[Jabiru]

Hi BP Nice to read an update. It sounds like things are going a lot better. That's great to hear.

That sounds frustrating having your mum's comments removed. Not sure what you can do there. Any thoughts? Maybe catching up on the phone with your mum periodically or private messaging with her. My uBPD wife and I rarely use social media so I haven't had to deal with that.

It sounds like you're becoming really self sufficient with analyzing the relationship and behaviors then forming a plan and acting on it to make it healthier. Still some kinks to work out but sounds like awesome progress. I have some minor things too to work out, but we all probably do, BPD or not

[thankful person]

Thanks Jabiru for your encouragement. I am feeling so much more positive about things and sometimes, dare I say it, I even feel happy. I do talk to my mum more than I used to, and even video call my parents with the children sometimes. My wife is nearly always around, but I no longer censor what I want to say to mum. I don’t talk about my wife (forbidden) much and mum doesn’t really ask. They have a text relationship involving various “arguments” according to my wife. Mum knows it’s useless to argue but sometimes gets sucked into it. The best news is I now talk about the children, this was also forbidden but I don’t care anymore. I have a right to talk about my children and I also talk about them to my online students sometimes, which wife is aware of. She is adapting to the new normal and accepting of it. Since I have started playing the piano again for pleasure, she requests songs for me to play. Sometimes she even livestreams me playing. All very odd, she used to say, “ I don’t want you playing the piano because it upsets me because I can’t do it..” I really want to teach my children when they get bigger. I have also been forbidden from this. But I’m hoping that she just knows… that this is acceptable behaviour… and that I am going to do it (only if the kids are interested).

[thankful person]

I suddenly thought, I shared recently her words, “I know you’re going to do it because you always do what you want…” At the time this was about me having a shower, something she also used to feel jealous of with her not getting so much time due to breast feeding our baby constantly. But I realise what an important shift this is, her feeling that I “always do what I want”. She knows I want to teach the children piano, so maybe she knows I’m going to…

[formflier]

Good update.

Here is a challenge:  List out each thing you are fired up about and then list out three things YOU can do, regardless of what you wife does...that is likely to make each of them better. (not "fixed"..just better)

Social media:  I think you should 100%..completely ignore that and focus on getting your own FB where YOU and nobody else controls comment deletion and all that.

Perhaps you could start the process by asking your wife for agreement to not delete any comment from "our" FB until both of you have discussed it and been fully heard.  She may or may not be prickly about it.

If she agrees...roll with it and see if she abrogates her agreement.

If she is prickly, start your own FB.  Just do it.  No need to inform or ask her permission.

If in the future she wants you to shut it down in exchange for the above agreement about comment deletion.  I would recommend you try it ONCE.  The moment she abrogates...restart your FB and never again give up control.  Never.

This way your wife can do FB her way...and you can do it your way.  How can that not be a healthy option.

Note:  I'm not "friends" with my wife on FB.  Long history.  I don't do much social media and what I do engage in, is very different than how my wife does it.

Best,

FF

[thankful person]

Thanks FF, that is a good idea. I will continue working on it all. I am enjoying the simple things so much like video calling my mum with the children, and playing the piano. I do have a Facebook account of my own too but it’s one of those unwritten rules that I don’t post on there and would need permission to share pictures or videos of the children. I did recently change the profile picture to one of just me and my daughter (my wife has always been in it since I’ve known her). I will start sharing my own things on there.

[formflier]

Why would you need permission to post pictures of your kids..anywhere for that matter.

But especially if your pwBPD isn't going to allow you access to comments or delete them or any of that other stuff...does she deserve the deference you have chosen to give to her?

In what ways does she reciprocate your generosity?

Ask for exactly what you want and be prepared to take action..independent of your pwBPD's "blessing" to have social media done the way you like it

Best,

FF

[thankful person]

Today I posted pictures of our little girl on my own Facebook account. I didn’t ask my wife’s permission, or even discuss it with her. She was fine about it. She no longer has the same power over me. Lots of the time she doesn’t even mention things I do where I have “broken her rules” or that she perceives are “unfair”. There is definitely smoke and mirrors involved with bpd, where you think you understand the rules and try to follow them… but with bpd there is always going to be ways for you to get it wrong. I have stopped apologising all the time and acting like I’m in the wrong, and nervous of her reaction. She is so much calmer the past few months.
FF, on your previous suggestion, I  have been working on assuming the most “parsimonious” reasoning for my wife’s actions. I have recently been lighting candles when I’m teaching online. I “knew” my wife wouldn’t like me getting pleasure out of it, and as expected she sometimes comes in and blows out the candles. “How nasty” I thought to myself. And then one day she mentioned that she likes blowing out my candles because it reminds her of birthdays. She was much ignored most of the time as a child and I guess that amplified the experience for her. And I think I’m finally getting what parsimonious means.

[formflier]

where I have “broken her rules” or that she perceives are “unfair”.  

Hey..solid work on keeping centered and focused on "parsimonious".  

Can I challenge you to look at the quoted stuff above.

I completely believe that there was a time when you had her "figured out" and she really did think those things.  

Everything I know about BPD tells me that because of a poor sense of self, their "beliefs" change often.  Therefor...I doubt she thinks that stuff now and it's unlikely to be helpful for the relationship to assume you know what she thinks, feels..perceives.

Words

Parsimonious :   Seems to be working out well for you.  So..can I suggest a new word?

Curiosity:  This is the antidote for "assumptions".  Plus it is a "gateway word" to empathy and validation.

Remember...your pwBPD is likely hyper aware of these things, so anything you can do to increase "empathy" and "validation" is bound to have an impact.

Keep up the good work!   Seriously...you are setting an awesome example for all of us to follow!   

Best,

FF

[thankful person]

FF, I am truly humbled. I have learnt everything I know about bpd  on here and from the books. I really feel I’m still muddling through but it seems to be working. You have been one of my biggest supporters and advisers. I feel like, as with a child, my wife set me some crazy rules.. and because I tried so hard to follow them and please her, that made the “rules” ok in both our minds. Sometimes a a child just needs to be told, “no” to make them feel secure, that they don’t have all the control. I felt very insecure as a child who was never told “no”. And I think that is part of what is going on here. It seems like my wife feels more secure and stable, with me “pretending” to be emotionally stable and standing up for myself.  “Fake it till you make it” right?

[formflier]

Yep!

As your relationship matures, anytime you can guide it away from "yes"/"no"...the better.  Much better to be "I'm on your side" or "I'm listening".

Now...when both of you are on the same page, yes is easy (and I suppose no as well). 

Remember...pwBPD very easily gravitate to "black/white", "yes/no", "right/wrong"  etc etc

Yes...there are times when a clear answer is appropriate, most of the time it's best to guide the relationship (and yourself) away from dichotomous thinking.

Best,

FF

[thankful person]

FF, I will next focus on curiosity because I truly am interested to understand how my wife sees the world. The candle thing made me realise she really does mostly think of herself and not me at all. Btw I use the analogy of talking to a child very loosely, I worked with children for over twenty years before I met my wife and I don’t feel it helped me much with our communication. But she seems to feel the same security that stems from the self confidence and self respect of the person she is dealing with at that moment.

[Cat Familiar]

But she seems to feel the same security that stems from the self confidence and self respect of the person she is dealing with at that moment.

That’s why it’s good to model strong, self assured, self reliant behavior.

[thankful person]

That’s why it’s good to model strong, self assured, self reliant behavior.

Cat, you and the others have been amazing in teaching me this. I had no idea that my panicky desperation to please my wife was making things far worse. Probably around 10-20 times a day now, I respond to things differently and identity things I would have done wrong in the past which could have descended into chaotic drama.

[Cat Familiar]

I had no idea that my panicky desperation to please my wife was making things far worse. Probably around 10-20 times a day now, I respond to things differently and identity things I would have done wrong in the past which could have descended into chaotic drama.

 

[formflier]

I respond to things differently 

This is the essence of this site.

If a way of relating is not working, try something different (have the courage to) and the confidence to know that if this new thing is worse, that you can "clean it up".  (This rarely happens, usually the new thing is better or at least "destabilizes them" because they didn't get what they were looking for)


Keep up the good work.  When you get time, I would be interested to "take a deep dive" into a handful of things that you are doing differently.  I think it would be very helpful to others to see how (and why) one person's courage can improve a relationship.

Best,

FF

[thankful person]

FF, you and Cat have helped me so much as well as not Wendy and ducks and many others. I would love to try and help others and I’ll try to put this together and make mental notes as the day goes down.