Thanks WhatToDo! That is definitely a great example of burning bridges you gave. It's hard to believe but they never see anything as their fault. My w is still waiting for my sisters to apologize for over 10 years ago when we got married and they didn't want to be in the wedding due to drama, then decided they wanted in. My w claims it cost her dad money (he paid for the wedding). She can't let a single thing go!
The vacation was great, but unfortunately my w left treatment after detox (1 week) and claimed the place was trying to hold patients there. I don't think she was fully invested in her recovery. At least she is sober though, and fingers crossed that that continues. This is going to be a long process (isn't is always), and I hope and pray she continues with her AA and gets a good counselor.
Thanks for your praise about the healthy boundaries. It took me a while, but as her lashing out etc got worse, I have gotten fed up and sick of wasting the best years of my life being married to someone that should know how to behave themselves.
It is hard to believe they never see anything as their fault. I think that's part of why it's so hard to find an effective treatment or therapy for BPD, even with DBT the BPD has to actually do it and stick with it, and they lack insight and consistency/a consistent sense of self to build upon. They go where their often extreme, impulsive, dark emotions lead them, and color their memory to fit their current emotional storm. I think it also has to do with a problem in their brains as backed up by brain scans and defense mechanisms learned early in life. The medical professionals I've spoken with concur.
Your wife's complaints are just like my ex's. I'll spare you the examples here but suffice it to say there are very, very, very many. They just don't let things go, yet they expect to be forgiven for everything. The double standard is very frustrating.
I also hope and pray that your wife continues with treatment and therapy!
Part of the struggle when treating a BPD is that they seek help but quickly split their helpers black as "controlling," "abusive" etc. The BPD cries for help but then blames the helper (constant see saw of abandonment and then engulfment fear and resentment). It's a cycle I saw many times and it sounds like that's what happened with her (for example, how she claimed they hold their patients there). I bet they said she did something wrong or said something she considered invalidating and she split them black. This same thing happened with the doctors and therapists that tried to treat my ex. She started off sincerely seeking help and seeming like she had insight, only to quit and blame them as "quacks" "controlling" "trying to fit her into a mold" etc.
Good job not wasting the best years of your life! Boundaries are for yourself, not for her. Her crazy will be limitless if you don't set boundaries. I think it was Skip who said on here in another thread that you have to "box in the crazy" and not live in it 24/7 or YOU will also start to feel crazy (hence BPD being called the crazy-making disease and BPD "fleas").
From what I can tell, the only way to survive a BPD relationship long term, and the only way they ever get help, is when their partner (you) has strong boundaries and doesn't enable.
Well done!
I posted another thread recently about boundaries that you may want to check out. It has some great links from this site. You probably already know much of it, but a refresher always helps, especially as your wife is likely to lash out at you and test boundaries whether or not she sticks with the recovery.
I pray that she gets and sustains treatment for the substance abuse and the BPD.
Keep us posted on here and feel free to Pvt mail me anytime (let me know here if you don't know how).
We are all rooting for you and your family and understand the struggle!
Have a calm, happy day
