When do I stop trying?

[BPD In The North]

I am at a loss regarding when to stop trying to save my marriage. My W was assessed and diagnosed with BPD but the diagnosis was never fully shared with her (because of fear of her negative reaction). I love her terribly, despite the trauma her BPD has inflicted on both us and our relationship over the years with its repeated vicious cycles of ups and downs, good and bad. Fortunately, although heart wrenchingly (because of making it difficult to let go), much of our past has been very, very good.

When our marriage counselor suggested that my W had some fairly significant emotional issues that they needed to begin to address, our marriage counselor was promptly fired. Two weeks ago, on the day before we were scheduled to go on a family vacation, my W had a psychological break and 15 hours of mayhem ensued. Non-stop calls and texts to me, non-stop delving into past events in an attempt to justify present actions (grossly distorting, mischaracterization or taking out of context what occurred), threatening to quit her job, threatening to call my co-workers and supervisor, emailing and texting our former marriage counselor and threatening her with a board complaint, accusing her of having an affair with me and threatening to tell her husband of the alleged affair, calling and berating my ex-wife about me, our daughter (my W’s stepdaughter), my ex-wife herself, etc.). Needless to say, my W cancelled going on the trip and it was just my daughter and I.

However, in the meantime, my W flew home to family. While my daughter I I were away, I arranged an intervention and upon my return conducted the intervention with just my W, the interventionist, and myself in the city she was staying with family. Her family did not participate and was unaware of the intervention because, as they say, blood is thicker than water and they have been all too willing to embrace the distortions and mischaracterizations (in the past, I have tried unsuccessfully a couple of times to seek their support). Although the intervention was incredibly difficult and I was forced to endure an hour or two of being unjustly berated, in the end, it paid off. Amazingly, my W agreed to a 30-day treatment program at one of the top facilities in the Country. However, after a day and a half, she inexplicably checked herself out and flew back to family.

I am devastated. I don’t know what else I can possibly do or try. Between her own skewed thoughts and delusions, she has convinced herself this is all me, and unfortunately, appears to have the support of her siblings. I think I have reached the point that no matter how much I care for and love her, and wish to support her, there may be nothing else that I can do or try. I am heartbroken that I cannot seem to help the woman I care for and love so very, very much. Even if not for our relationship, at a minimum, for her and her future. I would welcome any thought or wisdom.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

People with BPD have a tremendous amount of shame and self loathing. Often that is not obvious to others because they project the negativity they feel toward themselves upon the ones who are closest to them, namely you.

Trying to get them to see their part in marriage dysfunction is usually a fruitless endeavor. What we teach *nons* here is how to change our responses to difficult behavior, and thereby lessen conflict. Hoping for improvement in a person with BPD (pwBPD), is unlikely unless they recognize the need to participate in therapy and devote themselves to a DBT program, which few pwBPD are willing to do.

However, much can be changed for the better with us learning new communication skills. So many of us here have thought that we already have great communication skills, and we may have, but obviously they are not working with our BPD loved ones. So learning new patterns, many of which seem counterintuitive, can make a profound difference. Check out the Tools section in the green bar at the top of the page.