Takeaways, and what I have learned

[Depression = 72% of members]

Over 2 1/5 years of work, I have come up with the following summary of what I have learned from my T, this forum, my reading, and my lived experience.  These are just my thoughts.  I'm putting my thoughts out there to others for conversation if anyone wants to jump in and add thoughts.  I invite discussion, and would also love to hear different opinions and perspectives.  Perhaps some of my conclusions have errors, and need nudging or correcting.  This is a bit of a personal growth exercise for me.  

My mom’s brain (uBPD) is wired up to make decisions based on emotions – her feelings.  I can’t change how her brain works.

pwBPD have distorted thinking.  I can’t change her distorted thinking with my rational thinking.
Do not argue, justify, defend, or explain to a pwBPD.  This “engages” with the disease, and intensifies the conflict.

Do not engage when a pwBPD is trying to draw you in with “comments”, “darts”, “arrows”, “shots”, “behaviors” or anything worse.  Change the subject if you can, or exit the situation calmly if you must.  Always stay calm.  Resist “reacting” with emotion, which will draw you into deep into the conflict, and add to the choas.

The worldview of a BPD is predictable with the worldview of other BPD’s.  It is a different world view than a “non”, and we don’t understand that, until we fully understand the disease.  The disease creates their distorted worldview.  Who are we to think that we can change the disease?  Many professionals cannot help a pwBPD.

pwBPD are needy.  Their needs and “emptiness” cannot be filled by anyone else.  If they are unwilling to seek help for their BPD, they will retain their “victim” perspective and their distorted world view until they they (i) outgrow it on their own (we cannot help them with this) (ii) seek therapy and complete treatment successfully  (iii) die.

Love does not conquer everything.  I love my mom, but my love has never been enough to either help her, or change her thinking, or cure this disease.  She doesn’t want to be changed.  She is addicted to chaos, but has no awareness of this.  Her disease has worsened with age, because of physical and mental changes that come with aging, and because of the stress caused by her aging.  

pwBPD have poor executive functioning.  Their brain is not wired up to solve problems rationally, or execute complex decision making processes.  This is why they can make bad decisions, but have no ability to see the decision they made may be a bad one.

pwBPD lie.  But they do not see these untruths as lies, because they believe them themselves.

You cannot “argue” with someone who believes their own lies (or untruths or distorted thinking), and expect a positive result to come of it.

pwBPD are “high conflict”.  We cannot use the same communication tools with a pwBPD, that we use with “nons”, and expect a positive result.  

The best communication tools to use with pwBPD are positive communication tools (eg SET, BIFF, DEARMAN)

pwBPD “train” loved ones to “rescue” them.  We must unlearn this.  We cannot rescue them.

pwBPD use FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) on us to have their needs met.  We must recognize and acknowledge this, or we will get drawn into their disease with them.

If we do not set strong boundaries to protect ourselves, they will draw us into their chaos.  Our lives will become miserable, but not because of them, but because we allowed them to draw us into their chaos.  It is up to us to be the adult in the relationship, and set boundaries that we keep consistently, no matter how hard it is to do so.

I alone am responsible for keeping myself “safe feeling” from my pwBPD (my mother).

I do this by setting boundaries for myself.  The pwBPD will push back hard on our boundaries.  They will use FOG.  They will use rage.  We will want to do anything to avoid their rage, and our feelings of fear, obligation and guilt.  They will do anything to bust our boundary.  But if we weaken and break our own boundaries,  we have lost ourselves to the BPD disease.  Setting boundaries for myself, and holding them, is the only way I stay safe from the emotional abuse.

Know what your own values are, and be true to them, for yourself.  When one value pits itself against another, consider safety first, including your own emotional safety.

Sometimes we have to let them fail on their own terms. Their choices might be seen as a failure to us, but to them it may be about other things including autonomy.  So maybe what we consider failure isn't really failure.  Maybe seeing it as failure is our judgement and our problem to deal with.  The boundary to this would be suicide threats.

i.e. you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

Help me improve this folks...what is missing or needing some correction?

[Methuen]

Over 2 1/5 years of work, I have come up with the following summary of what I have learned from my T, this forum, my reading, and my lived experience.  These are just my thoughts.  I'm putting my thoughts out there to others for conversation if anyone wants to jump in and add thoughts.  I invite discussion, and would also love to hear different opinions and perspectives.  Perhaps some of my conclusions have errors, and need nudging or correcting.  This is a bit of a personal growth exercise for me.  

My mom’s brain (uBPD) is wired up to make decisions based on emotions – her feelings.  I can’t change how her brain works.

pwBPD have distorted thinking.  I can’t change her distorted thinking with my rational thinking.
Do not argue, justify, defend, or explain to a pwBPD.  This “engages” with the disease, and intensifies the conflict.

Do not engage when a pwBPD is trying to draw you in with “comments”, “darts”, “arrows”, “shots”, “behaviors” or anything worse.  Change the subject if you can, or exit the situation calmly if you must.  Always stay calm.  Resist “reacting” with emotion, which will draw you into deep into the conflict, and add to the choas.

The worldview of a BPD is predictable with the worldview of other BPD’s.  It is a different world view than a “non”, and we don’t understand that, until we fully understand the disease.  The disease creates their distorted worldview.  Who are we to think that we can change the disease?  Many professionals cannot help a pwBPD.

pwBPD are needy.  Their needs and “emptiness” cannot be filled by anyone else.  If they are unwilling to seek help for their BPD, they will retain their “victim” perspective and their distorted world view until they they (i) outgrow it on their own (we cannot help them with this) (ii) seek therapy and complete treatment successfully  (iii) die.

Love does not conquer everything.  I love my mom, but my love has never been enough to either help her, or change her thinking, or cure this disease.  She doesn’t want to be changed.  She is addicted to chaos, but has no awareness of this.  Her disease has worsened with age, because of physical and mental changes that come with aging, and because of the stress caused by her aging.  

pwBPD have poor executive functioning.  Their brain is not wired up to solve problems rationally, or execute complex decision making processes.  This is why they can make bad decisions, but have no ability to see the decision they made may be a bad one.

pwBPD lie.  But they do not see these untruths as lies, because they believe them themselves.

You cannot “argue” with someone who believes their own lies (or untruths or distorted thinking), and expect a positive result to come of it.

pwBPD are “high conflict”.  We cannot use the same communication tools with a pwBPD, that we use with “nons”, and expect a positive result.  

The best communication tools to use with pwBPD are positive communication tools (eg SET, BIFF, DEARMAN)

pwBPD “train” loved ones to “rescue” them.  We must unlearn this.  We cannot rescue them.

pwBPD use FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) on us to have their needs met.  We must recognize and acknowledge this, or we will get drawn into their disease with them.

If we do not set strong boundaries to protect ourselves, they will draw us into their chaos.  Our lives will become miserable, but not because of them, but because we allowed them to draw us into their chaos.  It is up to us to be the adult in the relationship, and set boundaries that we keep consistently, no matter how hard it is to do so.

I alone am responsible for keeping myself “safe feeling” from my pwBPD (my mother).

I do this by setting boundaries for myself.  The pwBPD will push back hard on our boundaries.  They will use FOG.  They will use rage.  We will want to do anything to avoid their rage, and our feelings of fear, obligation and guilt.  They will do anything to bust our boundary.  But if we weaken and break our own boundaries,  we have lost ourselves to the BPD disease.  Setting boundaries for myself, and holding them, is the only way I stay safe from the emotional abuse.

Know what your own values are, and be true to them, for yourself.  When one value pits itself against another, consider safety first, including your own emotional safety.

Sometimes we have to let them fail on their own terms. Their choices might be seen as a failure to us, but to them it may be about other things including autonomy.  So maybe what we consider failure isn't really failure.  Maybe seeing it as failure is our judgement and our problem to deal with.  The boundary to this would be suicide threats.

i.e. you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

Help me improve this folks...what is missing or needing some correction?

[Notwendy]

I don't know- it looks right on to me- I will need to think on that!

Every one of these fits my BPD mother.

[GaGrl]

What would you want to say about judgements from others, who don't see the reality of the BPD behaviors?

[zachira]

The person with BPD exhibits behaviors that are so irrational and beyond anything a healthy person would do, that we can not often predict what aberrant behaviors are coming next though we can often make educated guesses knowing that past behaviors predict future behaviors.

[WalkbyFaith]

"pwBPD lie.  But they do not see these untruths as lies, because they believe them themselves.

You cannot “argue” with someone who believes their own lies (or untruths or distorted thinking), and expect a positive result to come of it."

This is something I am just beginning to learn/realize with my uBPDmom. Finally realizing the lies are not necessarily intentional, because she truly believes it. And in the process she has distorted the thinking of almost everyone else in the family, because they believe her, too.

[Methuen]

What would you want to say about judgements from others, who don't see the reality of the BPD behaviors?

Good point.  I can’t prevent judgement of others, because that is something that is outside of my control.  In my experience people who judge are coming from a place of ignorance.  They don’t know BPD or that my mom has it. I can’t let their ignorance of my mom’s disease change how I navigate my relationship with her, to allow myself to also care for my own well-being, and not become her doormat.

What are your thoughts on the same question?

[Methuen]

I shared my list of "takeaways" with my T recently.  I asked her what needed nudging or adjustment, or a complete do-over.  She said nothing needed a do-over, or nudging.  Pretty much she thought it was accurate as is.

I don't know if anything on this list will plant a seed for anyone else, or if it's just mumbo jumbo to others, but I thought I would share my truths and takeaways, in the event it could be helpful to anyone struggling in the quicksand of navigating a BPD relationship.

Today I saw my mom at her house (H was with me as I don't generally see her alone any more for self-preservation reasons), and when H and I left the driveway, I was struggling again.  Just seeing her hurts.  It had been a week since the last visit.

Bottom line is the takeaways helped me to reshape how I interact with her and manage the relationship, but as Zachira says, it's a lifelong sorrow.

[IsThisRealLife?]

Thanks so much for this post, Methuen! You expressed so many components in a very condensed way. Very helpful!