How common are phrases used to disguise BPD?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Did your family have a word or phrase used to cover up a mental illness like BPD, and bad behavior due to illness? This could be used in public with friends or strangers, or also between family members who know or suspect something is seriously wrong, but who don't want to address the mental health issue. I'll share mine later, but want to see if my family's code word/phrase was common in other families.

[Teabunny]

Did your family have a word or phrase used to cover up a mental illness like BPD, and bad behavior due to illness? This could be used in public with friends or strangers, or also between family members who know or suspect something is seriously wrong, but who don't want to address the mental health issue. I'll share mine later, but want to see if my family's code word/phrase was common in other families.

[Riv3rW0lf]

She was also an alcoholic. And since she stopped drinking, she somehow thinks it solved everything.

So we don't say she is mentally ill or borderline or narcissistic, we say she used to be alcoolic...

Which obviously covered something else in her case, something deep that she never cared to solve.

Her alcool made it worst, but the root of the issues are still there and she doesn't admit them because : she stopped drinking so she did her best, she is a victim of her alcoolism.

Sigh

[beatricex]

Pretend my Mom's name is "Sam".  It's not but pretend it is.
Whenever someone in my family acts a little "nutty" we say "I pulled a Sam." 

If I want to point out to my husband he's angry or acting badly, I can say "OK Sam" and he gets it. 

My mother's name is actually used as a verb to describe bad behavior in my family.

But we don't have any sort of code name or "crazy" isn't even used since we all became adults.  Her name itself just implies bad behavior.

b

[missing NC]

My mom used to say my sister is "hot headed" or "has a temper."  My parents would become very distraught when she split them black, but when she split me black accompanied by copious swearing and threats when I refused to support her in harming others, my mom would tell others that my sister and I didn't "get along." 

[GaGrl]

Over many years, I heard my step-grandmother described as:

Difficult
Jealous
Angry
"A piece of work" (we are Southern)
Immature
Hothead
Dominating
Manipulative
Cruel

Nothing came close to saying she actually had a mental or personality disorder.

[Bara]

In my family the term "Bossy" was used for someone that would come unhinged or tell people off.

[Methuen]

“On the war path again”

[Jemimapuddleduck]

“Have you had the wrath of Mother today?”

[Teabunny]

Our family also uses "doesn't get along" to refer to mom not liking someone or being angry with someone. An issue of two or more people disagreeing. But there's usually no topic of disagreement or fight. That's just code. So for instance they say mom and I "don't get along" although on my end there is nothing I'm fighting her about. She's just having negative feelings towards me due to her own trauma, and feeling negative towards all her family and friends and a neighbor...she doesn't get along with most people, eventually.

However, our main code phrase to hide the mental illness and relieve mom of any accountability, and relieve the rest of the family from self-sovereignty while saving face in public is: Mom's upset.

For example:
We won't eat dinner tonight, Mom's upset.
I can't go to the funeral, she's upset with me.
Mom's upset so I can't read a book, sleep in my bed or use the computer.
Don't make your mom upset.

Your mom is upset with you (usually about nothing specific or rational - ex: "she just is" or another ex: I was told in 2021 she was upset with me because as a child about 20 years ago, I'd briefly spoken to missionaries outside our family home and kept their business card which she found and didn't like, though I never converted, or contacted them. I remember being punished and crying while doing dishes. Apparently I was a bad kid because the missionaries could have kidnapped me in front of our house, and mom is still upset with ME for this decades later).

The truth is that mom is not justifiably upset - or, upset for good reason and expressing it in healthy ways. She's sick and using fear, verbal abuse, triangulation, suicide threats, lies, and breaking household items in order to control us. Like any other sickness, she needs healing and help, but those darn words, "she's upset" have really gotten in the way of that healing.

I'm so glad I don't live with her anymore. I still hear or see the code phrase in our family though, and I'm angry it's still hiding the reality.

[Stolen]

Well,  I heard xW and her sister often refer to each other as "Devil's Spawn".

Can't recall a single mention of BPD or any other formal Dx.

"Devil's Spawn".  In a way, that was perfect.

[livednlearned]

However, our main code phrase to hide the mental illness and relieve mom of any accountability, and relieve the rest of the family from self-sovereignty while saving face in public is: Mom's upset.

That took my breath away. The thought about a word so normal and seemingly benign as upset to describe BPD behavior is gut wrenching.

It seems very common for BPD-afflicted families to downplay the severity. Not only in words but also in affect.

[Notwendy]

Yes, we had several code words as well- all done to down play and hide and normalize the behaviors. The other was to not have her be accountable for them.

Yet, on the other hand, "normal" behaviors and reactions on our part were exaggerated. I have heard her describe us as the "worst children". Really? None of us did things that I'd consider really bad. In actuality, we were afraid to misbehave. We may have gotten into some mischief once in a while as kids might do, but we never really misbehaved.

What horrible things did we do? Maybe say something she misinterpreted, or leave a toy out and not put it away, maybe not get a perfect report card at school, or sometimes just nothing- but regardless, we were the worst kids ever, and her extreme behaviors were just "being upset".

[WalkbyFaith]

I would agree, "Mama is upset" was a big one in our house too - but it might also be that she was tired, or stressed, or "not feeling well."  My uBPD mom has always had chronic illnesses of various types, so any bad behavior  has always been and still is blamed on her health.

[beatricex]

Since it's Friday night and maybe one of us is at dinner.. "pulling a Sam" is when you complain and get something for free, like "my fries are not H-O-T" ...sometimes the entire meal (known in my circle  as a "Sam comp").

 
Sadly this is a real thing and my Mom is so notorious for complaining Every time the family or her and my Dad eat out, it's a thing.

Maybe my Mom is a sosphisticated BPD?  I should write a book about it cause she does get a lot of stuff for free.  The world owes her u know?

[Turkish]

Pretend my Mom's name is "Sam".  It's not but pretend it is.
Whenever someone in my family acts a little "nutty" we say "I pulled a Sam." 

My buddy's mom was a great woman, but had BPD traits. The hour-long yelling sessions at her husband, where he just sat there and took it, aren't my favorite memories... Her daughter turned out dBPD...  his aunt and uncle were decent, yet to this day I think I may have been the one to come up with the sobriquet such that my buddy's mom would refer to her own sister as "Aunt Crazy."

My ex would refer to her "sickness" to me in private, not referring to her depression or anxiety (the latter two both diagnosed).

This was first proposed when she just couldn't stop texting to her beau pretty much in front of me and the kids while she was living with us and I called her out like wth is wrong with you?

"I'm sorry. It's my 'sickness.'" OK, That makes me feel better. You can't help your compulsion. 

[Teabunny]

I'm glad to see at least sometimes "sickness" was used in some families. Maybe as a society we will get closer to seeing this as a sickness that, importantly, can and should be treated.

We never called Mom devil's spawn, but she called me that. Devil child, were her words.

What horrible things did we do? Maybe say something she misinterpreted, or leave a toy out and not put it away...we were the worst kids ever, and her extreme behaviors were just "being upset".

Totally relate to this! Especially leaving toys out, I learned at a young age that my things had to stay in my bedroom at all times (i.e., toys, homework, clothes etc) or this was an offense. I was considered evil, but she can rage and break things and yell insults or try to kill herself, or sit crying in the dark and be too depressed even to sign a school form but she's just "upset."

Coincidentally, recently I have been coaching myself (in the home I own with my husband) to leave a sweater or book out in the open and not put everything away immediately before I can even use the bathroom or eat. It feels nice to leave things I'm using out for a little while.

[Notwendy]

I'm conscientious about keeping things clean in the house but don't put everything away immediately. Sometimes things look messy. My BPD mother does not do housecleaning but her house is in perfect order. I figure- if it's my house, and my job, I will do it how I want. I do keep things in order, but not to the extent she expects of us,  or maybe I am reacting to the kinds of expectations I grew up with.

I think these phrases that minimize the behaviors are a form of coping mechanism. In addition, privately, I don't refer to my mother as "mom" or "mother" but by her first name or another nickname. That's one way I cope with the relationship. It's not intended to be disrespectful but I think it's a way for me to feel safe and not have unrealistic expectations for the relationship.

[zachira]

In my narcissistic family, the phrases used to disguise family members with BPD and NPD are all about how great that person is and my setting healthy boundaries reinforces my role as the scapegoat.

[15years]

I said "Mom is just very sad" to my 5yo son when he told me "mom is mean" after she hit me.

What should I tell him instead?

[Riv3rW0lf]

I said "Mom is just very sad" to my 5yo son when he told me "mom is mean" after she hit me.

What should I tell him instead?

He is right. It is mean to hit people. Why protect him from the truth?

She can be both sad and mean...

My daughter said something similar about my mother, because she kept screaming at me. She said : grandma is not nice... On the moment, I tried to say it was ok. But recently, I decided to not lie to her.

She can see how her behaviour is wrong. And I am actually happy that, from her almost four years old self, she can see that this isn't nice... That it isn't how we are supposed to behave with people. That this isn't a healthy way to deal with emotions.

She asked me recently if we would see grandma again soon? I said: did you think grandma was nice with me?
She said: no, she screams a lot.
So I said: and that is why we won't be seeing her. She is in time out until she can be nicer to us.

Natural consequences...

[Turkish]

I said "Mom is just very sad" to my 5yo son when he told me "mom is mean" after she hit me.

What should I tell him instead?

I feel for you wanting to tell him differently, but mirroring him back is validation. "Yes, son, hitting is a mean act." Followed up by, "how does that make you feel?"

My son told me years ago that he didn't want to marry someone like mommy. I asked why. "Because she punched [step-dad] and [SD] didn't call the cops." I think he was 6 or almost 7 at the time.

[Notwendy]

I said "Mom is just very sad" to my 5yo son when he told me "mom is mean" after she hit me.

What should I tell him instead?

Lots of nuances to this thread. I wonder also, if using phrases to minimize the BPD behavior was a way to protect them.  Had I actually used more accurate descriptions of my mother's behaviors, I may have inadvertently said something at school, or at a friend's house and exposed her.

Of all the "rules" we had in our family growing up, the main one was to pretend there was nothing wrong with our mother. Our own perceptions were minimized. It may not have been intended, but it was a form of gaslighting. My mother would be in a "bad mood" which was actually raging and trashing the house and my parents having a huge argument. The next day, she'd act as if nothing happened. We learned to not ask or say anything, it was not discussed. The whole thing was dismissed at "all couples have some disagreements". Yes, that's true but I don't think they looked like that. Still as a child, we were expected to believe this was normal.

Yet, even early on, we knew something was different. If we were at a friend's house, we could sense their parents didn't do this. Their mothers acted differently with their children. Something was different about our mother but we didn't know what that was. And we didn't dare say anything to anyone about it.

So, I am going to ask a pointed question here: When you say "mommy is sad" to your child, who are you protecting? Him or her?

It's probably conflicted. I know my father did what he could to protect us as best he could. However, he was also in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship with my mother and a large motive for him was to protect her, to keep her from these episodes and also to keep the situation a secret so as to not have her experience any hurt or shame, even if it meant enduring this behavior on his part.

It may also be that using code words protected us because this way, we didn't say something that could have resulted in her being angry at us. I don't think it's right to teach kids to walk on eggshells with people but it may have been for our own safety to do that. There is much concern over how to do the right thing when raising kids in a BPD marriage. I don't think there's one right way. Maybe it was the choice between confusing us or keeping us safe in the moment.

Whatever "code words" were used to describe the behaviors we saw, we did eventually figure out they were code words for something else.

[15years]

My wife also frequently tells our kids (S2 and S5) that it's normal for parents to argue, but that she understand that it makes them upset. I have told S5 that it is normal to argue but that it not supposed to be like this.

So, I am going to ask a pointed question here: When you say "mommy is sad" to your child, who are you protecting? Him or her?

I would say that I'm protecting everyone, myself included.
Him: trying to prevent him from building resentment towards her and not being able to hide it, which could result in her lecturing him, which I want to avoid because I wouldn't know how to behave in that situation.
Me: she would blame me for his resentment towards her. Plus I'm aware that I'm in an emotional state so I don't want to say something I'll regret --> avoiding feelings of guilt/real guilt.
Her: I don't want her to be hated. I've always wanted people to see her as a good person.

[Riv3rW0lf]

My wife also frequently tells our kids (S2 and S5) that it's normal for parents to argue, but that she understand that it makes them upset. I have told S5 that it is normal to argue but that it not supposed to be like this.

So, I am going to ask a pointed question here: When you say "mommy is sad" to your child, who are you protecting? Him or her?

I would say that I'm protecting everyone, myself included.
Him: trying to prevent him from building resentment towards her and not being able to hide it, which could result in her lecturing him, which I want to avoid because I wouldn't know how to behave in that situation.
Me: she would blame me for his resentment towards her. Plus I'm aware that I'm in an emotional state so I don't want to say something I'll regret --> avoiding feelings of guilt/real guilt.
Her: I don't want her to be hated. I've always wanted people to see her as a good person.

The first time I read your post, I thought you were talking about your son's grandmother. I am sorry for the misunderstanding.

Seeing now how she is his mother.. it is indeed a bit different, and harder to navigate.

My father had a rule to not discuss our mother's behaviour. They were separated. My mother would trash him. As a matter of fact, she wrote a whole piece yesterday about how she did everything for him and how he was cheating on her and left her with nothing. Now that I know my mother was sick, I can imagine my father, although carrying some blame, was probably abused by her a lot.

Still...he never said anything about her other than: your mother has some issues she needs to work on. But she loves you.

If she gave me the silent treatment, he would tell me: Don't worry, she always does this, but this one too shall pass.

But this was, in NO WAY, enough to help me navigate the complex relationship I had with my mother.

Validating her state of victim, of sadness, of "this will pass" was not what I needed to hear. I needed to hear that : what she is doing is not ok (because I knew it, and I was craving some validation from an adult which NO ONE gave me, making me feel lonely and abandoned).

You children KNOW something is off. They have an inner sense of what is right and wrong, and minimizing her behavior, in a way, will in time contribute in invalidating their healthy vision of what relationships should be.

And so, stating: "This is not how things should be", when she truly lashes out, is a reasonable answer.

If she hits you, it is also ok to tell them: "she was sad, but indeed, we shouldn't hit people. You are right that this is also mean." And ask how they feel and VALIDATE. Validate them, validate their vision and correct it only when needed and truly false, but do not try to shield them (and you/her) by minimizing unacceptable behaviour, because this results in invaliding your children, their self... And they are the one in need of protection and guidance.

Just my two cents...

This cannot be easy for you, dealing with this. I saw the toll it took on my father. He tried his best, and I don't blame it today... in part because, while he didn't shield me, he also never protected her from the natural consequences of her own actions and always encouraged me to stand up for myself.  I do wished he had taken more time in discussing everything my mom was doing to me though instead of shutting the door and saying : "we won't discuss your mother and what happens in her house." I needed the perspective of a healthy adult to tell me I had a right to be scared, hurt, angry. That she was wrong acting the way she acted.

You will never be able to protect her for the resentment your children are building up toward her. Ever. You can, however, protect them from future abuse by identifying for them what is abuse and how to put proper boundaries in place. They need guidance from a healthy adult.

[Notwendy]

In addition to Riv3rW0lf's reply, when I posted "there is no one good answer" to how to help children understand a BPD parent is that, the environment they are being raised in has already been compromised. There are consequences for them to this. For what to do, it becomes mitigating them, not that there's one good way.

I don't condone "minimizing" the behavior with less serious descriptions because then it becomes confusing and even invalidates their own perceptions. Thinking this is normal may set the stage for them to have abusive relationships themselves when they are adults. Everyone can get sad, or argue, but none of this justifies abuse.

On the other hand, kids talk and if they say "Daddy says mother is abusive" in front of your wife, the consequences could be dire.

The bottom line and I say this with empathy as I observed my father make the same decision- to remain in a relationship with my mother and so we kids both observed her behavior and were subjected to it:  So long as they are in this situation, this is inevitable. Whatever she does to you, she will do to them, because her behavior actually has nothing to do with you. It's how she interacts with the people closest to you. Little children are more compliant. Eventually they will grow into their own individuals with their own thoughts and this will inevitably trigger her, no matter how much they try to appease and avoid it as you have.

Him: trying to prevent him from building resentment towards her and not being able to hide it, which could result in her lecturing him, which I want to avoid because I wouldn't know how to behave in that situation.


He will inevitably be resentful of someone who is abusive to his own father, and eventually to him. Resentment is our emotional warning system to keep us from being harmed. Try to minimize this and you set him up to tolerate this kind of behavior from others. Regarding my BPD mother as a teen, I did resent her for her behavior. Mostly we were scared of her.

Me: she would blame me for his resentment towards her. Plus I'm aware that I'm in an emotional state so I don't want to say something I'll regret --> avoiding feelings of guilt/real guilt.

So you are basically avoiding your feelings of guilt if your kids have resentment for her. She is the one who determines the course of their relationship. It is natural consequences of her behavior. I do not have the same kind of feelings for my mother that I have for my father and that has nothing to do with anything he said or did, and everything to do with my BPD mother's behavior.  He was a safer person for me to be attached to.

Her: I don't want her to be hated. I've always wanted people to see her as a good person.


This is not your job to mitigate how other people see your wife. While you should not speak poorly of her, you can't control how others perceive her. You are not responsible for her behavior. By trying to manage other's impressions, you may actually be mitigating the consequences of her behavior and by doing so, she doesn't have any motivation to change them. If a kid is a bully in school, the result is that the other kids don't want to play with them. The bully will then learn that if they want to have friends to play with, the need to "play nice" with them. If the kids instead just kept on playing and letting the bully hit them, the bully will keep on hitting them. Surely your wife can learn as well as a kindergartener. Even your 5 year old knows not to hit people.

Why are you covering for her so much?

To add to this- growing up in my family was not entirely a negative experience. My father did a lot of good for us. I know he loved his children but his focus was on my mother. One difference with you is that you are here. There wasn't an internet for much of his early years of marriage so he didn't have this kind of access. I commend you for being here to learn from us. I hope this will help you make things better for you, your kids and your marriage no matter what direction it takes.

[zachira]

Children and teenagers need to have their feelings heard and validated to develop into healthy adults. A parent or other adults can listen to how the child feels and validate the feelings without stating their own opinions about the dysfunctional parent. More challenging is how to empower the child who is growing up with an abusive parent. Helping the child to spend more time in environments with healthier role models can make a big difference: like spending more time with a parent who has the child's best interests at heart, putting the child in a good day care or after school program, sending the child to summer camp, having the child spend as much time as possible in the homes of relatives, friends, and neighbors. Often the dysfunctional parent, finds it extremely dysregulating to be around their children, and it is a relief to have them occupied elsewhere.

[Notwendy]

Yes, to support Zachira's advice - we were able to spend a lot of time with my father's family. They were emotionally stable and provided a safe environment and were role models for us. This was a positive influence for us. I saw on another thread that your parents often watch the children and if they are stable parents, I would encourage and protect that relationship as much as you can as well as other relationships. As I became a teen and spent more time with peers, their mothers served as role models for me too.  

I also recommend counseling for the kids when possible. If your wife won't allow it - even as young adults. If they are in college, most colleges have student health counseling. Sooner is better but if not possible before then, it's still helpful. When they are old enough, learning about the disorder and how to manage the relationship with a BPD mother helps to mitigate the situation and they then have the ability to do this for themselves. A skilled counselor can help them with this and is a neutral party which avoids triangulation on your part.

[15years]

You children KNOW something is off. They have an inner sense of what is right and wrong, and minimizing her behavior, in a way, will in time contribute in invalidating their healthy vision of what relationships should be.

It helps to hear from you who are children of BPD mothers. I will try to validate and not twist their reality.

One difference with you is that you are here. There wasn't an internet for much of his early years of marriage so he didn't have this kind of access. I commend you for being here to learn from us. I hope this will help you make things better for you, your kids and your marriage no matter what direction it takes.

I'm glad you mentioned this. Dealing with this on my own was completely different, I did for 14 years.

Helping the child to spend more time in environments with healthier role models can make a big difference

Yes you're right.

[Teabunny]

Another phrase I just remembered was "wound up" or "worked up" either of these are still used today. Like describing little kids wound up on a sugar high, that's what it reminds me of.

[khibomsis]

15 years, really, to use codewords for the abuse is an intense form of gaslighting. It is especially damaging for the child. In my family the most that would get acknowledged would be "Don't upset your mother". Mostly, when I sought refuge with my family, that is the most that would be said. One big well of silence.
I remember being in therapy in my forties and finally hearing the term "BPD". It was such a huge relief. I found this site and devoured every bit of information I could find.
I was actually in therapy for a marriage breakdown. What the term "BPD" helped me understand that I was in an abusive marriage. And the reason why I was in one was because  my childhood experiences were so horrific it took a lot for me to recognize the marriage as abusive. Simply put, I could endure a lot of abuse without noticing the emotional violence because I had been gaslighted out of noticing as a child.
I love my parents That goes without saying. BPD was not even a diagnosis until my mom was in her sixties, I understand they did the best they could with the tools available to them. But it does underline the necessity of validating your children's emotions. That is the best advice you will ever get. Calling a spade a spade will protect them from enduring abuse as adults.