First time here

[GenuineCosmonaut]

So this is my first time posting on any kind of message board like this. So go easy

My wife has BPD. I have ADHD. We have been together for almost 10 years and we still struggle with communication. Obviously there are some things we could learn that would help us both out. I would be thrilled to know if there are any communication tips out there on how to better converse with someone who has BPD. Thanks!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[So many questions]

I applaud you for trying to make things better. I would’ve been you had I married my ex. I would’ve done anything to make it work. I know it’s unhealthy but it’s true.

Things that worked for me;
- Calmly tell her I understand her feelings and that they must be difficult to feel and am going to give her 20-30 minutes to think on them. I would go in the other room. Usually she would come out, and thank me for doing so. (this is not healthy for you because she could be being irrational or delusional, but it saved us from a fight). I would wait for a time when she was carefree but open to talk, and I would then express my feeling while validating hers.

- I began not taking things personal even if deep down, they hurt. I just told myself that she didn’t mean them and it was just part of her dealing with her own conflict. (This occasionally backfired because she felt I was invalidating). But it made it easier to forgive and move on till the next explosion.

Sometimes though, there was nothing I could do. I bought her some clothes once and said “happy early Christmas”. Later when I upset her she said “who the f*** says something like that. That’s weird. Even the cashier gave me a look”.

If they paint you black, I’m sorry, but there’s nothing you can do or say to stop it. Communication becomes a one way Street.

Your wife will need to have the same mentality you do. She will need to admit her issues and be adamant about self awareness.

She seems to have a really great, supportive spouse, and that’s crucial.

I wish I knew of BPD before our break up. I could’ve managed it so much better. It still would’ve been tough, but would’ve explained EVERYTHING.

[thankful person]

Welcome cosmonaut,
There is so much to learn and you have found the most valuable resource here that most of us never dared hope for. It helped me to document specific conversations on here and friends helped me to see how I could have handled things better. Now most of it is second nature! And believe it or not, I am known in all circles for being argumentative… but I’ve mostly managed to stop arguing with my wife!

Your wife will need to have the same mentality you do. She will need to admit her issues and be adamant about self awareness.

I disagree with this. I have been working on improving my marriage on my own for the past year, no therapy just the support of the amazing bpd family and books I’ve read. My wife was diagnosed before we met but sees bpd as the self harm and eating disorder she has since recovered from. So she does not believe she has it now. This hasn’t stopped me from transforming everything including her behaviour. It’s ironic… once I fully accepted that I could only change myself… she actually has changed in response to my changes I have made.

[So many questions]

Broken Person, as you said, your wife recovered - so in essence she did have the same mentality and was aware.

For me, I began working on myself and showed serious improvements. I stopped trying to control it, didn’t take her outbursts personal, focused on myself. And It only amplified her fear of abandonment and greatly increased the outbursts.

Each case is different. My main point was the person has to want to work on themselves.

[thankful person]

Broken Person, as you said, your wife recovered. My main point was the person has to want to work on themselves.

My wife had not, and has not “recovered” from bpd. She beat the self harm and eating disorder, but apart from that, is entirely unaware that any of her controlling, paranoid, selfish behaviour has anything to do with bpd, or that there is anything wrong with it
I know that every case is different and I don’t know why your wife didn’t respond well to the changes you made. I don’t know why my wife has responded so well, but it certainly isn’t about self awareness, or wanting to work on herself. Example: in the past she didn’t want me playing the piano because “it’s not fair because I can’t do that”. For years I never played for pleasure, even though I play professionally. I told her one day that I was going to start playing the piano for myself again, “because I enjoy it and I want to do it”. She didn’t like it at first. But she has become ok with it. And many other things. But she has no idea that I’m on this personal journey.