Still hurting and looking for support

[LaRonge]

Hi there,

I'm a bit over a month and a half out of a relationship with someone who was diagnosed with BPD, OCD, and ADHD, along with depression and anxiety. She broke up with me twice over the course of our 9 month relationship (although I'd known her for 9 years); after the very first breakup we were in touch the very next day, but the second one was truly one of the most devastating/humiliating/painful experiences of my life. She continued to reach out to me after discarding me, and I finally asked for space 3-4 weeks ago. When I did that, her response was so indifferent it felt like twisting the knife, or even that she was the injured party. I've unfollowed her on social media, mailed back her things (although hasn't returned mine, despite being the one that asked for that), and I haven't heard from/contacted her since.

I didn't realize it at that time, but the trajectory of our relationship had all the hallmarks of a BPD relationship: the idealization phase followed by the devaluation phase, and all the ups and downs in between/strange behaviors, until the final discard. There were warning signs: self-cutting, a lot of drinking, irrational anger, denial of responsibility, blame, an abusive mother, a rocky relationship history, hyper-sexuality. But she was also incredibly bright, funny, caring, empathetic, and even stable early on. We had incredible personal and physical chemistry. She told me the BDP was a misdiagnosis, that OCD was the real issue, and pointed to a 3 year relationship she'd had and was still friends with her ex, who seemed like a nice guy to me.I felt reassured for a while.

Later, we'd get into irrational arguments, and when I brought up concerns about drinking, she'd either deny or deflect, or hide her drinking from me, or try to compromise before blaming me for being paranoid and overly critical of her. I know I exacerbated the situation with impatience and anger; any criticism of her seemed to cause a deep wound, and she blamed me throughout for making her feel like her abusive mother makes her feel: like a bad person or a scorned child. Everything for her was black or white: Either she was a bad person, or I was.

I was in therapy throughout and still am, but what's tough to make sense of is that I've been with people like her before, and I sometimes feel doomed to repeat the same mistakes. I've already learned a lot about myself, how my family history (separated parents, a toxic home environment, a sometimes smothering/sometimes distant mother) have contributed to my desire to seek out relationships like this. Despite knowing all I know, this breakup has probably been the worst experience of life. At the end, she did something deeply wounding to me while near black out drunk, blamed me for it, and used the whole incident to escape the relationship. Just a week before felt like it was the best it had been between us. I want to be compassionate for the pain she lives through daily, but when someone you really care about hurts you so deeply, seeks to punish you, blames you for it, and shows no remorse or empathy—sometimes I feel like there's no coming back from that.

I've been dealing all sorts of painful thoughts and emotions since: shame, heartbreak, humiliation, intense jealousy, endless ruminating thoughts. I've blamed myself for everything that went wrong, for being too impatient or not compassionate enough, and I continue to fall back on the belief that this won't get better, that I'll never find someone stable and secure, and that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. At my worst moments, I've fantasized about suicide, although I know I have a lot to live for and thoughts of my family and friends have prevented me from going any further than fantasy. It's just been a mental exercise in stopping the pain. I sometimes think it's ridiculous to be so devastated by someone I was only with for 9 months, but this has resurfaced deep childhood wounds that I'm still trying to deal with.

It's so hard to reconcile the person I thought I knew and fell in love with with the person I saw in flashes throughout and in extreme form at the end. The coldness and cruelty and indifference. It makes it hard to trust my instincts going forward, or believe that anything better lies ahead.

I'd love for any advice about learning to cope, heal, and move on. I don't have any interest in rekindling a relationship with her of any kind, although there is still some part of me that wants closure and accountability (don't worry, I know that won't happen). It helps to know that I'm not the only one to go through this. Of course, talking with friends or anyone who hasn't experienced this type of roller coaster and discard is difficult—they just don't understand. Therapy helps but sometimes I still feel like I'm flailing, searching for answers and explanations, and barely hanging on. Any advice would be hugely appreciated.

Thanks in advance...

[So many questions]

I’m sorry you are struggling, much like most of us. Your relationship sounds very similar to what I went through.

Here’s the thing I’ve learned in 1 month NC.

You’re going to blame yourself. Believe me, I went through every situation I could think of looking at what I could’ve done better. “If only I did this..”. I obsessed over finding the exact moment I triggered the devaluation. And what I realized, the only way to avoid it were to be never once showing any emotion or hurt or discontent with her actions, even if they weren’t ok.

It wasn’t my fault she immediately replaced her ex with me and wasn’t healed. It wasn’t my fault she showered me with affection, telling me she loved me within a month, making me feel like the most amazing person alive, telling me I’m her “one and only”, while also entertaining and sleeping with others. It wasn’t my fault she disappeared and cheated with her ex, because she felt “overwhelmed by me”.

It was my fault, that I didn’t walk away once I found out. It was my fault that I let her lie to me and always take her back. It was my fault that instead of walking away, I became controlling, jealous, and hyper-vigilant. It was my fault that I chose to react to her rage, with my own anger and yelling. It was my fault that I stayed with someone who clearly can’t love me in a healthy way. It was my fault, for thinking infatuation, is love.

Those are things I can forgive myself for.  But I can’t feel guilty for standing up for myself when someone was treating me poorly. I can’t feel guilt when I KNOW, I loved her and was there for her and always faithful and relentlessly committed. That is the truth.

I tried everything. I became completely indifferent and stopped taking her verbal abuse personal. It still didn’t work. Her rage only intensified.

You’re going to struggling with instincts. But understand, instincts are out the window with a disordered mind. It’s impulse. I too, am struggling. But each day it gets a little better. I’ve been on a couple dates and just enjoyed it. Just don’t let yourself compare them to her.I have no plans to be intimate with anyone, but it’s nice to talk to people with zero pressure. We don’t need to instinctively decipher every new interest.

We need to practice healthy boundaries, love bombing awareness, trust in ourself. And also meeting new people is a great way to gauge your progress.

I’m no where near ready. But I refuse to let one person ruin my life, as she almost did. I fantasized suicide for months. I never would. But I get.

Take care of yourself. Try to convince yourself that it wi be okay. Post here. Read about everything including your own codependency issues. Your attachment style. This is a moment to truly find yourself.

To me, it felt like I was dropped on a deserted island and the boat that could save me was the boat that left me. I can see it. I can wave to it and plead and throw smoke signals. But they’re just too far away to see it, and they’re only headed away from the island. Eventually, they’re gone. Maybe they’ll come back, maybe they won’t. But at that moment, I have to think about surviving. You’re in survival, now it’s times to use the resources around you to build a sustainable life. You could wait for the next boat to save you, or you could use the tools at hand to create your own. Save yourself.

Prayers to you. It gets better. I’m always here to chat as I’ve been through the absolute worst break up imaginable.

[LaRonge]

To me, it felt like I was dropped on a deserted island and the boat that could save me was the boat that left me. I can see it. I can wave to it and plead and throw smoke signals. But they’re just too far away to see it, and they’re only headed away from the island. Eventually, they’re gone. Maybe they’ll come back, maybe they won’t. But at that moment, I have to think about surviving. You’re in survival, now it’s times to use the resources around you to build a sustainable life. You could wait for the next boat to save you, or you could use the tools at hand to create your own. Save yourself.

Prayers to you. It gets better. I’m always here to chat as I’ve been through the absolute worst break up imaginable.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply and for sharing your experience. The deserted island metaphor is a great one. It's exactly how I've felt. At first, I just wanted her to take away the pain, but the more she reached out, the worse my pain got. Going no contact was the best thing I did, but it was still hard. I tried to fill my schedule and be as busy as possible, and went on a date—but it was way too soon for me and dredged up all the painful emotions. But what I'm realizing is that I've got to learn to be alone and enjoy my own company and forgive myself for this. And like you said, it's a time truly learn about myself. Thanks again—it helps a lot.

[So many questions]

Honestly, you are light years ahead of most of us as you actually set boundaries. I never did. Instead of walking away, I would try to set boundaries, she’d rage, and I’d end up apologizing for being controlling or untrustworthy. I’d just push my feelings to the side for the sake of staying together. I always felt, any moment she could just rage, break up, and be done. It was terrifying. Then finally, she did.

Can I ask what she did the night she was black out drunk?

I’m interested because mine ended in the same context. She  used my reaction to paint a story that nearly ruined my life. I’m still dealing with it. I’ve lost mutual friends because of it.

Our ex’s are so similar it’s bizarre.

[LaRonge]

Honestly, you are light years ahead of most of us as you actually set boundaries. I never did. Instead of walking away, I would try to set boundaries, she’d rage, and I’d end up apologizing for being controlling or untrustworthy. I’d just push my feelings to the side for the sake of staying together. I always felt, any moment she could just rage, break up, and be done. It was terrifying. Then finally, she did.

Can I ask what she did the night she was black out drunk?

I’m interested because mine ended in the same context. She  used my reaction to paint a story that nearly ruined my life. I’m still dealing with it. I’ve lost mutual friends because of it.

Our ex’s are so similar it’s bizarre.

The whole thing was so embarrassing and ugly it's difficult to discuss without seeming like an idiot for letting it go so far. Let's just say that the last night we were together she was like a human hand grenade set on blowing up the relationship. I felt like I couldn't do anything about it, because if I said anything about her drinking she would have exploded. She did something that was akin to cheating on me right in front of me, though not exactly, and when I confronted her she flew into a rage like I've never seen, saying "It's over" over and over again. She left in a snowstorm, refused to answer calls, and when I got in touch with her the next day, and told her how hurt I was, she said sorry insincerely, quickly shifted blame to me, said I made her feel like a "scolded child" and that she wasn't sure we could continue.

Two days later, we met to talk about it. I knew it was over and felt physically ill, because I had been doing everything I possibly could to make it work, including debasing myself and ignoring every emotional need I had. I was terrified of losing her (childhood abandonment issues there). I wrote a long, emotional letter to her about her pain and childhood trauma and how I'm an overall good person despite my flaws and could be a good partner to her, and when I read it to her (in tears) it was like reading to a brick wall. She didn't respond to anything I'd written and instead said "You made me hate myself, and I hate myself enough," among other things, and she said she couldn't work with me on it.

I was devastated and crying, and she quickly shifted roles, became very affectionate, cried herself, and said she was "mad and annoyed" at me, and that she wanted to spend the night. It was really like talking to a little child. At one point she started sort of pounding her head and saying "This doesn't feel good" repeatedly.

She eventually left that night, and I started hearing from her a week or so later. I was in terrible shape, blaming myself and an emotional wreck. But hearing from her made it worse. "I'm thinking about you," "I thought you hated me," "Let's stay in touch," "I definitely miss you, do you miss me?" kind of stuff. I would feel momentary relief, and then the grief would start again, and she would disappear for a week before messaging again. Eventually I realized this was all about her, that she really didn't care about my pain at all. I sent her a message saying I loved her but I was in a lot of pain and needed space. Her response was basically, "That's understandable. I miss you too but don't want to make things worse. Can you send me my stuff and I'll send you yours?" It was awful. (Of course, she hasn't sent me my stuff.)

It's been an unbearably painful experience, because *most* of the time she was this smart, capable, interesting person. (She's also beautiful, which doesn't help.) But there were times she just became another person, one without remorse or empathy, is how I can best describe it. It's kind of like seeing a really dark side of humanity that I'd never really encountered before. Your brain tries and tries and tries to make sense of it, but it just can't. (My therapist thinks she's both BPD and NPD, for what it's worth.)

But I'm getting better. Cutting her out was the best thing I could have done (if you haven't yet, I recommend it—it's the only way to get your agency back). And with some distance I can see I was dealing with a deeply disordered person, and there's really nothing I could have done, except to have had enough self-respect to get out of it when I started to see the warning signs as clear as day. I'm hoping to learn from this, work on myself, confront my childhood issues through therapy, and find a genuine relationship where I feel truly cared for and respected. We'll see!

[Rev]

The whole thing was so embarrassing and ugly it's difficult to discuss without seeming like an idiot for letting it go so far. Let's just say that the last night we were together she was like a human hand grenade set on blowing up the relationship. I felt like I couldn't do anything about it, because if I said anything about her drinking she would have exploded. She did something that was akin to cheating on me right in front of me, though not exactly, and when I confronted her she flew into a rage like I've never seen, saying "It's over" over and over again. She left in a snowstorm, refused to answer calls, and when I got in touch with her the next day, and told her how hurt I was, she said sorry insincerely, quickly shifted blame to me, said I made her feel like a "scolded child" and that she wasn't sure we could continue.

Two days later, we met to talk about it. I knew it was over and felt physically ill, because I had been doing everything I possibly could to make it work, including debasing myself and ignoring every emotional need I had. I was terrified of losing her (childhood abandonment issues there).

But I'm getting better. Cutting her out was the best thing I could have done (if you haven't yet, I recommend it—it's the only way to get your agency back). And with some distance I can see I was dealing with a deeply disordered person, and there's really nothing I could have done, except to have had enough self-respect to get out of it when I started to see the warning signs as clear as day. I'm hoping to learn from this, work on myself, confront my childhood issues through therapy, and find a genuine relationship where I feel truly cared for and respected. We'll see!

Hey LR,

I could have written the above words that I've excerpted myself - like literally word for word.  And 3 years later, I can say it does get better if and when you keep putting one foot in front of the other.   I did the therapy, lived through the awful dreams and the ruminations.  

And then at one point, you might find that your body is beginning to catch up to your mind. The body stores the emotional trauma of these relationships and the body has a memory that is less malleable than the memory of the mind.  Keep at it - and keep moving forward by any means necessary.  

And yes - at one point you look back and you realize just how disordered she was and likely still is.

Thanks for the post.  

Hang in there.

Pay it forward.

Rev

[LaRonge]

 

And then at one point, you might find that your body is beginning to catch up to your mind. The body stores the emotional trauma of these relationships and the body has a memory that is less malleable than the memory of the mind.  Keep at it - and keep moving forward by any means necessary.  

Thanks, Rev. This is good to know/good advice. I appreciate it.

[HeWho]

I didn't realize it at that time, but the trajectory of our relationship had all the hallmarks of a BPD relationship: the idealization phase followed by the devaluation phase, and all the ups and downs in between/strange behaviors, until the final discard. There were warning signs: self-cutting, a lot of drinking, irrational anger, denial of responsibility, blame, an abusive mother, a rocky relationship history, hyper-sexuality. But she was also incredibly bright, funny, caring, empathetic, and even stable early on. We had incredible personal and physical chemistry. She told me the BDP was a misdiagnosis, that OCD was the real issue, and pointed to a 3 year relationship she'd had and was still friends with her ex, who seemed like a nice guy to me.I felt reassured for a while.

Later, we'd get into irrational arguments, and when I brought up concerns about drinking, she'd either deny or deflect, or hide her drinking from me, or try to compromise before blaming me for being paranoid and overly critical of her. I know I exacerbated the situation with impatience and anger; any criticism of her seemed to cause a deep wound, and she blamed me throughout for making her feel like her abusive mother makes her feel: like a bad person or a scorned child. Everything for her was black or white: Either she was a bad person, or I was.

I was in therapy throughout and still am, but what's tough to make sense of is that I've been with people like her before, and I sometimes feel doomed to repeat the same mistakes. I've already learned a lot about myself, how my family history (separated parents, a toxic home environment, a sometimes smothering/sometimes distant mother) have contributed to my desire to seek out relationships like this. Despite knowing all I know, this breakup has probably been the worst experience of life. At the end, she did something deeply wounding to me while near black out drunk, blamed me for it, and used the whole incident to escape the relationship. Just a week before felt like it was the best it had been between us. I want to be compassionate for the pain she lives through daily, but when someone you really care about hurts you so deeply, seeks to punish you, blames you for it, and shows no remorse or empathy—sometimes I feel like there's no coming back from that.

I've been dealing all sorts of painful thoughts and emotions since: shame, heartbreak, humiliation, intense jealousy, endless ruminating thoughts. I've blamed myself for everything that went wrong, for being too impatient or not compassionate enough, and I continue to fall back on the belief that this won't get better, that I'll never find someone stable and secure, and that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. At my worst moments, I've fantasized about suicide, although I know I have a lot to live for and thoughts of my family and friends have prevented me from going any further than fantasy. It's just been a mental exercise in stopping the pain. I sometimes think it's ridiculous to be so devastated by someone I was only with for 9 months, but this has resurfaced deep childhood wounds that I'm still trying to deal with.

It's so hard to reconcile the person I thought I knew and fell in love with with the person I saw in flashes throughout and in extreme form at the end. The coldness and cruelty and indifference. It makes it hard to trust my instincts going forward, or believe that anything better lies ahead.

I'd love for any advice about learning to cope, heal, and move on. I don't have any interest in rekindling a relationship with her of any kind, although there is still some part of me that wants closure and accountability (don't worry, I know that won't happen). It helps to know that I'm not the only one to go through this. Of course, talking with friends or anyone who hasn't experienced this type of roller coaster and discard is difficult—they just don't understand. Therapy helps but sometimes I still feel like I'm flailing, searching for answers and explanations, and barely hanging on. Any advice would be hugely appreciated.

Thanks in advance...

I can honestly say you're on the right path. Through weekly therapy and weekly group sessions I am dealing with the same thing. Be glad your situation ended as peacefully as it did. Mine ended with false sexual assault allegations and false accusations of abuse. I'm not sure why my wife reached out to my ex but now she believes I'm gay and have a kid by her with absolutely no proof. "Why would she lie" was all the reasoning she needed to validate her emotional reasoning,  generalizations and black/white distortions. That's all she needed to split in front of my eyes. That's all she needed to betray me after 6 years of marriage. I can not contact my wife and have no way of getting closure. No way of getting accountability or peace. Honestly it's hard to get through sometimes. If I think about the situation too much I may end up sad or crying. I know most people in my dieron may break out worse, but I choose to come out better and stronger.

It really just takes time and understanding. It's been 3 months today since I was forced to vacate my own house. The scary thing is I really didn't want to leave. I felt like my world ended. I really didn't understand how dependent I was on her. I didn't realize how low my self esteem and self worth had plummeted. I was but a shell of my former self who let go of my boundaries and cast aside my self for her. Just know that you are doing right by you. I am now acknowledging my faults in the relationship. I am recognizing all the emotional abuse that went on. The crazy thing is it is both sided, like a roller coaster. She accused me of gas lighting and talking in circles. I doubt she realizes that her perception of events are warped due to BPD. When I'm trying everything I can to validate her I can definitely see why she thinks I'm talking in circles... I digress.

Anyhow stay the course. Take up some activities you want to do. Meditation, prayer,  self love mantras, workout,  read about self love and understanding yourself, read about BPD, talk with friends,  do activities you like. All these have helped me out so much over the last 3 months. I can confidently say I'm mentally and emotionally much healthier now than before. The scary thing is I didn't even realize how bad the relationship was until I was forced to. It's scary how every detail you shared is close to my relationship. The emotions you went through and currently are going through, I share. Just take a deep breath. Keep a daily journal of your thoughts so you can reflect on today and the past when you've done it for a while. You'll be able to see where you came from and where you're going. Make no mistake that you've experienced some trauma. Some of what happened though, you gotta think why it happened. Was it boundaries, low self esteem,  low self love,  codependency, lack of self respect. Know that these are all things you can work on and fix. You can grow from this. The thing I've realized is you attract these types of people because they can sense the same characteristics in you. Once you fix yourself internally, you'll be a lot better for yourself and your partner. Try to completely heal and completely grow before you test the waters. But if you're like me, I'm still wearing the wedding ring of the woman who tried to literally destroy my life, that means more room to grow...

Hope this helps. I'm here to support like others have been for me. Reach out to me if you need some support, believe me you aren't alone.

[LaRonge]

I can honestly say you're on the right path. Through weekly therapy and weekly group sessions I am dealing with the same thing. Be glad your situation ended as peacefully as it did. Mine ended with false sexual assault allegations and false accusations of abuse. I'm not sure why my wife reached out to my ex but now she believes I'm gay and have a kid by her with absolutely no proof. "Why would she lie" was all the reasoning she needed to validate her emotional reasoning,  generalizations and black/white distortions. That's all she needed to split in front of my eyes. That's all she needed to betray me after 6 years of marriage. I can not contact my wife and have no way of getting closure. No way of getting accountability or peace. Honestly it's hard to get through sometimes. If I think about the situation too much I may end up sad or crying. I know most people in my dieron may break out worse, but I choose to come out better and stronger.

Really sorry about your situation, it sounds absolutely terrible, but glad you're choosing to come out stronger. Thank you for the support and advice.

[Good Intentions]

Make no mistake that you've experienced some trauma. Some of what happened though, you gotta think why it happened. Was it boundaries, low self esteem,  low self love,  codependency, lack of self respect. Know that these are all things you can work on and fix. You can grow from this. The thing I've realized is you attract these types of people because they can sense the same characteristics in you. Once you fix yourself internally, you'll be a lot better for yourself and your partner. Try to completely heal and completely grow before you test the waters. But if you're like me, I'm still wearing the wedding ring of the woman who tried to literally destroy my life, that means more room to grow...

Hope this helps. I'm here to support like others have been for me. Reach out to me if you need some support, believe me you aren't alone.

This really resonated with me (especially the bolded sentence). Similar situation to all of you - partner of almost 4 years with diagnosed BPD finally discarded me after years of splitting/painting me black, and then me desperately winning her back/proving my love and that I'll never abandon her...rinse, repeat. And that constant battle to simply demonstrate who I am, who everyone in our lives knows me to be, caused me to completely lose my sense of self.

I'm hoping I can learn about my attachment style and my own insecurities through this healing process so that I naturally attract the type of person that we all deserve to be with - someone who will be as committed to us as we're willing to be to them.