New boyfriend wants to break up...

[LexiG]

So I started dating a guy that I came into the relationship knowing has BPD. (My twin sister also has BDP so I thought I understood what this would be like but they express themselves in very different ways I am now learning). Everything was going GREAT, I had never felt so well connected to someone, and I really felt like this guy might be the one.

Fast forward a couple months and he has a splitting episode. He will not talk to me at all. We have texted some, but it's mostly him saying "I just can't talk about this, I don't know why this is happening and I have the strongest urge to run and every day I don't, things just get worse." At first, I freaked out, constantly calling and texting him and trying to reassure him that I was here for him and I would understand whatever it was with no reply. Finally, he broke up with me, and I told him I would rather call this a break and for us to reassess and talk about what happened when he is out of the split so we can figure out a better way to deal with it next time.

My concern is: is this worth it? Should I even allow myself to hold on to hope that we can talk this out? It has been so painful for me not to talk to him this past week, and I don't know how long this is going to last. I'm afraid the next time he splits, if we did get back together, I would just be in this pain of not being able to speak to him at all when what I really want is for him to be able to trust me enough to be there, even if its in silence, while this is happening next time.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[NonnyMouse]

I understand completely. All I can say is read through the experiences of people on this forum who've been through 10, 20, 30 years of similar and ask yourself whether it's worth it.

[Cat Familiar]

You’re hoping that through talking you can get him to understand how difficult it is for you when he disconnects.

Sadly, when he splits, it’s unlikely that he has much bandwidth to consider your feelings at all. His focus is more on what he feels and thinks than how his behavior impacts others.

This is likely to be a recurring pattern. Do you think you can learn to accommodate it?

[LexiG]

I honestly am not sure I can... I have a job that requires me to move a lot and am expected to move in two years so I'm not even sure he could handle being with me either after having gotten out the military mainly for having to move so much.

I also do wonder how much of what I liked so much about him was due to his BPD because he idealized me and did everything for me and made efforts to understand my interests, but he also never spoke up for himself in times when my anxiety caused me to be mean to him. So probably for the best I don't get caught up in this cycle...

[Cat Familiar]

That cycle of idealization certainly can be compelling. Unfortunately it typically doesn’t last long, especially after a commitment of some sort. It can return after conflict, but then quickly dissipates.

The effect this can have on us *nons* is like the intermittent reinforcement of playing a slot machine. Every once in a while there’s a payoff, so people who get involved in this sort of gambling, keep believing that the *big one* will occur if they just keep at it.

Same goes for people in BPD relationships. Regardless of past experience, they continue to believe that their loved one will have some sort of *epiphany* during one of these *honeymoon phases* and all will be better…forever after.

Unfortunately reality intrudes.

[harbinger70]

If your partner tells you they feel the urge to run away, let them. It hurts because it feels like you’ve met your soulmate but they don’t attach or love you the way non-BPDs do. Nobody who cares for and loves you should want to leave. Until and unless he gets extensive therapy and treatment, the only person who can help him is HIM. Not you.

[LexiG]

Thank you, I think this is really what I needed to hear. I am definitely a "fixer" in relationships so this is hard for me get around, and he is in therapy but he said he has never been able to fight a split before. And I don't want to hold out for hope hoping it will get better until he learns to fight them while continuously getting hurt, though I am afraid if he called me tomorrow I would just go back.

[Mack1]

Yep. I agree. Get your shoes on and don’tlook back, even for another second.
Having a sister with the disorder should make you understand more you’d think so you gave the guy a chance which is a testament to your nature, but he still bolts.
What hope is there for us who’d never heard of the disorder.
But seriously, run!

[LexiG]

My sister has more like explosive BPD, where she has thrown stuff and screamed at me and I've been in enough therapy to just be able to walk away. With him, he is very rationally (it seems through text) telling me he has the urge to run and it just gets worse the more he fights it, which to me is like, "How can you be so rational and not even want to talk about this? How can you understand what you're feeling so well and not be able to fight it?" And the fact that he isn't verbally abusing me someone is making me think I could deal with this emotional abuse of just ghosting. The fact that he is actively getting treatment gives me hope that he'll recover from this and be able to not ghost me the next time he splits but not sure that's worth the chance for sure

[harbinger70]

I feel for you. My ex girlfriend told me on our first date exactly these words - “In my next relationship, if there’s a problem or issues, we’ll talk about them. The other person won’t just leave.”

Fast forward seven weeks and she’s dumping me. I ask her if we can talk it through. She looks at me with a blank stare and says “No.”

There is no closure. There is no rhyme or reason. They’re not thinking clearly and until they go thru years of therapy, they never will. He might SEEM rational, but there’s nothing rational about what he’s saying or doing. You are worth love and affection. He can’t provide those things because he doesn’t understand them.

[LexiG]

Thanks everyone for all the wise words. I have a feeling I will be recycled and everything you have all shared has made it easier for me to face that (by setting a boundary that I do not think this will work, that I do not believe he is sorry, and that I don't want to get into anything with him until he has had MUCH more therapy)

[Cat Familiar]

It’s helpful to only participate in a BPD relationship if one has a clear-eyed understanding of what you’re dealing with and to let go of expectations that someday you can have a *normal* relationship.

It won’t happen.

However, things can get remarkably better and it’s possible to think of the occasional BPD symptoms as being in a relationship with someone with a disability.

The fewer the behaviors that meet the criteria for BPD, the better the chances for a successful relationship.

[thankful person]

Hi Lexi,
Word has it that bpd can recover in therapy. My wife did dbt and she would tell you that it helped her recover from her eating disorder and self harming so she no longer has bpd. She doesn’t see her other bpd  behaviour as being related - anger, controlling, jealousy, and throwing things, slamming doors etc. Did your bf learn about splitting in therapy? I don’t think my wife seems to have heard of it though she certainly does it.
Setting boundaries is a bit like dealing with a child, you explain the consequences, “if you do x, I will do y” and then following through. I first stood up to my wife because she didn’t want me sending baby photos to my mum and my mum was so upset that I was willing to lose my marriage over this. It took several months for my wife to get over this. But since then she has coped much better with me changing all these things she controlled about my life. So he might not respond well to you setting limits on how you wish to be treated. Be strong enough to walk away, if he’s not respecting you. I live with my wife and we have two small children, but even me leaving the room or going out in response to her meltdowns, seems to have improved her behaviour towards me.

[LexiG]

He knows about splitting and is aware of the fact he's splitting when he does it. I almost wish his splitting involved him slamming doors and telling me off, my BPD sister does that and I just walk away. His splitting is to shut me out completely, and he is aware he is doing it and still can't seem to fight it because it cause him so much anxiety to be around me. And it has now lasted for two weeks. So I don't really know how to set a boundary when he won't even talk to me, like "If you shut me out when you're splitting, then I'm going to leave." is the only thing I can think to do but that basically means we are not together for potentially months until he gets out of the split, and I am in pain from just missing him and our friendship and wondering if he's even okay.

[judee]

Hi Lexi,

I know exactly how you feel. It is excruciating to feel ignored/silenced.
Honestly for me it WAS a reason to leave him, because it was the only option left to survive mentally. My exw bpd used to say he got so angry the only way to 'protect' our relationship was to go silent. I tried to understand it but the more the relationship evolved the more we seemed to move from silence to silence because he got upset about so much as everything. I went from happy and enthusiastic to extremely anxious, alone, lost. Not knowing when we would speak again or if we were even together?
It is not normal to feel like like this EVER in a relationship, nor do I think you would want this to be your life. I was in a few long relationship and even though passionate, I never was in a situation like this before. I still consider him the deepest love I have ever felt for someone but I don't want to go back, that is how horrible it felt.

[tina7868]

So I don't really know how to set a boundary when he won't even talk to me, like "If you shut me out when you're splitting, then I'm going to leave." is the only thing I can think to do but that basically means we are not together for potentially months until he gets out of the split, and I am in pain from just missing him and our friendship and wondering if he's even okay.

Replying to say I really feel this! I have been in a similar position. The unknown regarding when they will contact you again can really feel disempowering.

[LexiG]

Yes, I have been in a relationship with a NPD person too,  it was similar in the silence, and I did learn from that that this behavior isn't normal after going back again and again to the point I nearly checked myself in for psychiatric treatment because of how he treated me. And I hate to use that word "normal" because I know its not something he can really help and he's protecting himself and its sad to think of him as someone who probably won't be lovable in a long-term relationship unless you're willing to endure this. I caved and texted him last night to ask if he was okay and no reply. Like that is SO CRAZY, and I hate to say it because I like to think I'm compassionate towards mental illness having suffered horribly anxiety and PTSD, but I would still never do this to someone. So I did delete his number last night so I can't contact him anymore, but still have the door open a bit I guess because he could text me. I guess I'll see how I'll react if that happens but I'm trying to move on.

[thankful person]

Lexi, I wondered if you have considered going to therapy, to help you understand why you felt drawn to such a role in your relationship. It may help you avoid the same (or worse) patterns in future, either with your ex or someone else. I haven’t done therapy myself since I was a teenager. My wife won’t “allow” it. I feel stronger now to go against her wishes, but I’m doing ok without it now. I have learnt so much from books and the wonderful bpd family to help me understand myself and work on self care and my own self worth. I wish you all the best. I always found I couldn’t get over a relationship until I had someone new to obsess over, but I think I missed a valuable part of personal development by never remaining single for very long, especially as all my partners have been controlling.

[LexiG]

I've actually been in therapy for quite a while haha. I just haven't had a relationship like this in about four years. I was mostly single with the exception of a guy I dated for ten months that I am still great friends with (with no hard feelings or romantic attachments on either end, it just fizzled out with no drama), and it would be amazing if more of us could have more former partners like that. But yes, most seem to end up in a blaze and NC and I have to remind myself with this guy that that dramatic and painful type of love is not for me, was not for me then, and I should not allow it to be for me now for the sake of my own peace of mind. Just sucks when you truly care for someone and consider yourself the type to "fight" for relationships

[LexiG]

I guess an update on this situation. My sister texted me this morning saying she went through my ex's social media (I didn't ask her to haha) and that my ex has been posting multiple times a day with three different girls. I've texted him just to see how he is about three times with zero response thinking he's just too depressed to talk to me. But not too depressed to hang out with three different girls and post on Facebook all day long? I've read on this forum about people with BPD doing that a lot. I feel like I don't even know who he is when he's like this. So I kinda went off and told him to PLEASE READ off and never speak to me again because he is not the person I knew. Saving myself some heartbreak later down the line... Thanks to this forum and the stories they've shared and how to move on, it has been an absolute lifesaver! This break up of an only three month long relationship has been one of the most painful I've been through and I wouldn't be doing as well as I am (staying sober and still enjoying life for the most part) without this group

[Cat Familiar]

You can chalk this up to a painful learning experience that will hopefully save you from involvement with personality disordered partners in the future.