The "you're selfish" card

[WalkbyFaith]

Yesterday I was listening to a YouTube video from a guy who has a bunch of letters behind his name ... I think he's a clinical social worker who deals with childhood abuse... Anyway, he has a bunch of videos out there, and this one was titled "6 Ways the Toxic Family Shames You for Changing."

One of the things he said was soo eye-opening to me:
"If there's one button the toxic family pushes, it's the "you're selfish" button, and it just wrecks us."

Wow. I had to rewind and play it again to make sure I heard him correctly! This is so spot-on to what I've been dealing with for years. My mom as well as my siblings all keep telling me I am incredibly selfish and self-righteous. It has been a constant wrestling within myself - what if they are right? what if this is my fault? am I really so selfish and I just don't realize it?

To hear this expert person say that this is very typical behavior in a dysfunctional family, was mind-blowing and has begun to set me free in a new way. To finally allow myself to believe that maybe they're wrong, maybe I'm not an awful person, and maybe they're just behaving like toxic families behave.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Yes.

My mother uses the : " you are ungrateful " card, which comes back to the same dreadful feeling of guilt.

And for a long time, it was the : " you think you are better than everyone else " card. Which my brother is a fan of...and often, oddly enough, uses against me after he visited my mother (!)... As if I didn't know what's up.

It is all very toxic indeed. And growing up like this has a way of distorting your own view of yourself... It is very hard to correct.

[zachira]

The "You are _____" can be filled in with any number of words that blame the scapegoat for standing up for themselves in situations that any healthy person would when their boundaries are violated.

[SinisterComplex]

The "You are _____" can be filled in with any number of words that blame the scapegoat for standing up for themselves in situations that any healthy person would when their boundaries are violated.

I have to back up Zachira here on this, but also add that this behavior is common even amongst those who appear normal. Blame on it on how society is and the problem of instant gratification. It isn't something that happens just among people with mental health disorders or people who may have BPD.

Also, setting boundaries is never easy because people want you to be a yes man or yes mam and just go with the flow even if it is to your detriment. This is why I advocate always standing up for yourself and calling people on their BS  . You may not always be right or liked for that matter, but I am pretty confident you will garner a lot more respect that way.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[PearlsBefore]

I've testified in court about Jung's "Identified Patient" - at its crux, if you have a group of 10 people wherein for whatever reason 9 of them are mentally ill, the group will quickly shift to pointing out the 1 healthy person who recognises their mental illness and instead pretend THAT PERSON is mentally ill.

It's difficult for professionals to spot, because if 9 people say Barb is the problem, and Barb says those 9 are the problem, which one SEEMS more likely? But the issue is, sometimes Barb is correct and her Family of Origin or her In-Laws or whatever are in fact insane.

But the simplest solution to the problem of 9 people feeling inadequate and judged by a healthier 10th person, is to actually label that 10th person meaningless and crazy.

[Goldcrest]

I get you're "selfish" and "self absorbed" and obsessed with analysis. Overly sensitive, was one my dad used a lot to describe me. He would tell me I should let my mothers behaviour slide off me because she doesn't mean it...WOW. My dad was so emotionally shut down, almost robotic with love for his children, yet would say many loving things to my BPD/NPD mother.

WalkbyFaith I constantly agonise about whether I am the problem. In every interaction I fret that I have been all the above. SO yes I am sensitive and self aware but only because I was programmed from a very young age to respond to every wild emotion of my mothers and soothe her, tell her she was a good mummy and how much I loved her, that I would always be there for her.

[Cattail]

I get told I’m bossy. Actually ‘bossy’ is considered a nice way of saying it - ‘control freak’ and ‘you’ve always got to be number 1’ are my uBPD sister’s favourite terms.

My family always said sister was ‘sensitive’. As a child I somehow got the impression that was a good thing, that it meant she was kind. Only in recent years, when taking to mom, did I realise it meant sis was ‘touchy’ and easy to take offence. Makes perfect sense now

[WalkbyFaith]

And for a long time, it was the : " you think you are better than everyone else " card.

Yep, that's essentially what they mean when they tell me I'm self-righteous. I don't know what I have done to come across that way, but apparently I think I am better and "holier" than them and therefore judgmental...?

if 9 people say Barb is the problem, and Barb says those 9 are the problem, which one SEEMS more likely? But the issue is, sometimes Barb is correct and her Family of Origin or her In-Laws or whatever are in fact insane.

Thanks for pointing this out. It's so true and feels like exactly what I am living right now. My whole FOO says I am the problem...but I think I am Barb!

He would tell me I should let my mothers behaviour slide off me because she doesn't mean it.

YES Goldcrest! I can so relate to you on this, except in my case it's "she doesn't mean it and she doesn't even know what she said, because she's sick" (though they don't mean sick with BPD but with other illnesses). I am still being told this today by my siblings.

It's such a freeing perspective... I do want to be examining myself and make sure my heart is right and I'm not being selfish, of course, but to start to step out of the constant condemning of myself under their words... so good.

[todayistheday]

The one that I get all the time is being called "too sensitive".  I used to fall for it and feel like a selfish person based on that. I now know better and that "too sensitive" is a way of dismissing my feelings which I have a right to have and cannot necessarily control.

[livednlearned]

Often, if you change pronouns the sentence will make so much more sense.

If you are called selfish by a disordered family member, there is a good chance it means "I am selfish."

Difficult emotions are projected outward because it feels safer to watch someone else work through these feelings than take on the potentially catastrophic (for pwBPD) work of self-reflection. It's easier to watch you deal with the shame of a negative trait than work through it directly.

How do you respond when a family members calls you selfish?

[zachira]

My responses have changed over the years. At times, I felt I was everything I was being accused of and internalized the shame being dumped on me by the disordered person/persons. At times, I defended myself, having a strong desire to be heard and seen by people who would never be able to have any empathy for me and see me as a person with my own feelings separate from their dysregulated emotions. Now, it depends on who is accusing me of being selfish and the circumstances under which this occurs. If it is a disordered person projecting their feelings onto me, than I do my best to observe how I feel inside and not be contaminated by their feelings. I have had people who I respect say that I am selfish and they said it with sorrow in their voices and the circumstances fit. I will struggle until my dying day with at times being too self centered and not doing enough for the right kind of people, due to my long time association with so many disordered family members in both my immediate and extended family and their flying monkeys. My challenge is to recognize what I have to offer and do what I can to help others. There are so many people, many of them complete strangers, who have treated me with kindness and generosity, and showed me the ways healthy people have compassion that begins with themselves which is extended to others while maintaining healthy boundaries. We are all selfish in some ways, and it is not wrong to put yourself first in situations which you need to protect yourself. At the same time, I find I get more joy out of giving than receiving and am rewarded when I am generous with healthy boundaries.

[Kxxanders]

(I am putting her as a family member but she's actually an ex turned extremely close friend that is living with my family and I)

I get "You are a 'narcissist'" A LOT.
Which is difficult because she labels everyone who has ever hurt her as a narcissist...and the part that sucks the most is that I need to control my response--at the time she is saying it; about me or anyone else; I know it is in my best choice to not tell her she is wrong. 
From experience, I have dated an ACTUAL narcissist ( thought he was a god and would make references to himself in that way) ...she doesn't actually know what a narcissist is and kind of just throws around the term.
But I won't correct her. I don't see the point in it.
I do sort of tiptoe around it:
I've just told her it hurts and try to bring up examples from my history of actually dealing with narcissist behavior--to try and provide examples of what the term actually means in a medical...sense.

When she is mad at me she also says that I don't care enough.  (Getting the wrong cold medication for her at Walmart for example) That I didn't care enough to check the amount of ingredients on the package (I don't get sick,  I don't buy the stuff that often!)

Just little tiny things that I do wrong always lead to "you don't care enough"

Things like this get frustrating.
People often ask me why I put up with it, why I just don't kick her out and move on with my life.

But I won't do that.  She needs at least one person that won't give up on her.

[WalkbyFaith]

livednlearned, yes, I am beginning to recognize that many of the accusations from my FOO are indeed projections of their own issues onto me. This is something I'd heard/read about in the past but never experienced (to my knowledge) until recently. It's so bizarre.

zachira I so agree with you -- if the admonition of acting selfishly was coming from someone who really knows me, someone I respect and trust, I would absolutely listen to them with concern and want to change! But my FOO's statements are muddled and unfounded and don't even make sense most of the time. Plus I have no trust or respect for them AND I am literally only around them (in person) once a year, so how could they really know my heart?

[Pale Shelter]

"no matter what I do for you, it's never enough. Nothing I ever do is appreciated." She, in fact, does very little for me. I learned years ago she cannot be relied upon. So I never expect anything from her.