6 weeks no contact and yesterday my mother left a voicemail

[Our abuse recovery guide]

So it's been 6 weeks, I'm sleeping well, calmer, and I can read books again! (previously I couldn't hold my attention to the page) I still get periods of intense sadness but I started to believe that mum wouldn't try to contact me.

Yesterday driving to work I felt very hurt. Hurt for myself is not a feeling I can get in touch with but yesterday I felt hurt at how I had been treated. I felt angry towards the flying monkeys too, for enabling. I really noticed how intense these feelings were.

I was back home from work when I saw I had a voicemail (I have blocked my mum and her friends). I didn't check to see who the call was from and listened to the voicemail. It was my mother. The first sentence was an offer of money...She knows I am trying to buy my own place at the moment as I separate from my husband. She said she would send me a cheque when my aunts estate comes through (this is classic carrot dangling that has been a constant throughout my relationship with them). She continued to say how much she loved me, and she made reference to my always saying I would be there for her at the end (when the cancer can no longer be treated). She said she now knows that isn't true. All this was said in a very level voice, I think I could hear her nose had been blocked from crying but I can't bring myself to hear the message again so that might be in my head.

What did I feel? Initially I felt frightened. I was afraid of her emotions. I briefly became upset, then I played the message to my ex-husband. My husband always gets irritated and starts bad mouthing her (I know he is trying to be supportive in his way) this makes me feel stressed because I feel that it shuts the opportunity for me to talk about my feelings down. I am listening to him ranting. I had to explain to my husband how his response made me feel and he got defensive. We stopped talking about her.

I went to bed and wrote some stuff in my diary, to try and stop some of my ruminating, mostly I was annoyed at my ex-husbands response - displacement? I had a night full of strange and sad dreams. One where my aunt tells me how awful my mother is and I cry with the validation. The money I am being offered is part of my aunts estate. Not only did my dad leave all his money to my mum but my aunt left a sizeable amount to my mother too. My aunt left money for all her other nieces and nephews but nothing for my brother and I. We were left out of her will. It hurt...but of course we weren't allowed to have a relationship with my aunt because that would cause my mother to rage and get jealous. We have a huge extended family (most have passed now) we could never have contact with any of them. They were all vilified at different times.

The final thing I felt was sadness. I just felt sad to think of my mother, all alone in a big house without my dad and surrounded by strangers that she believes are better than her children. Her children who despite years of horrendous abuse where prepared to find a way to have a relationship with her. I know I tried very hard to give her my compassion and care. I offered her the chance to quit the games, the manipulation, the smearing. Be open and honest - I didn't care if she told me negative stuff just be open with me.

So of course I won't contact her back, it is horrible holding my nerve but I know as soon as I break contact it will go back to being awful and abusive again, only worse. I made a decision I am sticking to. Being able to share with you all is really comforting and I probably am looking for a bit of moral support by posting.

[Goldcrest]

So it's been 6 weeks, I'm sleeping well, calmer, and I can read books again! (previously I couldn't hold my attention to the page) I still get periods of intense sadness but I started to believe that mum wouldn't try to contact me.

Yesterday driving to work I felt very hurt. Hurt for myself is not a feeling I can get in touch with but yesterday I felt hurt at how I had been treated. I felt angry towards the flying monkeys too, for enabling. I really noticed how intense these feelings were.

I was back home from work when I saw I had a voicemail (I have blocked my mum and her friends). I didn't check to see who the call was from and listened to the voicemail. It was my mother. The first sentence was an offer of money...She knows I am trying to buy my own place at the moment as I separate from my husband. She said she would send me a cheque when my aunts estate comes through (this is classic carrot dangling that has been a constant throughout my relationship with them). She continued to say how much she loved me, and she made reference to my always saying I would be there for her at the end (when the cancer can no longer be treated). She said she now knows that isn't true. All this was said in a very level voice, I think I could hear her nose had been blocked from crying but I can't bring myself to hear the message again so that might be in my head.

What did I feel? Initially I felt frightened. I was afraid of her emotions. I briefly became upset, then I played the message to my ex-husband. My husband always gets irritated and starts bad mouthing her (I know he is trying to be supportive in his way) this makes me feel stressed because I feel that it shuts the opportunity for me to talk about my feelings down. I am listening to him ranting. I had to explain to my husband how his response made me feel and he got defensive. We stopped talking about her.

I went to bed and wrote some stuff in my diary, to try and stop some of my ruminating, mostly I was annoyed at my ex-husbands response - displacement? I had a night full of strange and sad dreams. One where my aunt tells me how awful my mother is and I cry with the validation. The money I am being offered is part of my aunts estate. Not only did my dad leave all his money to my mum but my aunt left a sizeable amount to my mother too. My aunt left money for all her other nieces and nephews but nothing for my brother and I. We were left out of her will. It hurt...but of course we weren't allowed to have a relationship with my aunt because that would cause my mother to rage and get jealous. We have a huge extended family (most have passed now) we could never have contact with any of them. They were all vilified at different times.

The final thing I felt was sadness. I just felt sad to think of my mother, all alone in a big house without my dad and surrounded by strangers that she believes are better than her children. Her children who despite years of horrendous abuse where prepared to find a way to have a relationship with her. I know I tried very hard to give her my compassion and care. I offered her the chance to quit the games, the manipulation, the smearing. Be open and honest - I didn't care if she told me negative stuff just be open with me.

So of course I won't contact her back, it is horrible holding my nerve but I know as soon as I break contact it will go back to being awful and abusive again, only worse. I made a decision I am sticking to. Being able to share with you all is really comforting and I probably am looking for a bit of moral support by posting.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi Goldcrest,

I just wanted to recognize your self-awareness: your capacity to identify and validate your own emotions is a great step. I find it very hard to identify what I am feeling and to make those emotions meet my brain, and I am grateful to see that you are.

One thing stood out for me in your post: how you find it hard to validate feeling hurt for yourself. I think cultivating self-compassion is going to be important for you, for us, really. You had compassion for your mother alone in her big house, but your mother was never the victim in your relationship with her. You were. And this child that you once were (and still are in part) needs all of your compassion.

The ruminating is real and I also find it very hard to take a step back when I am doing it. Writing helps me, did writing help you as well? The other thing that help for me is cardio... The breathing it forces down in my body, the body exhaustion leaves no place for ruminating and it stops, gives me a "breather".

And maybe, I agree, being annoyed at your ex-husband is a way to keep you from processing all the resentment you truly feel toward your mother. Because you still have compassion for her, and contacting the part that is angry with her, might in the end help you release this self-compassion I mentioned earlier.

A bait for money ... She doesn't know you. She still thinks money is what you are after and this won't change. Maybe it is projection on her part. She is unable to see the little girl that needed a mother, and didn't get one. And she won't ever be able to be the mother you need. I recently realized I needed to grieve my own alive mother, I don't know where to begin though, but I have this intuition that grieving the mother I never had will help decrease my sensibility to the woman who took care of me on a basic level growing up.

Bring back your attention on yourself. You deserve all the attention and compassion you can give.

Hugs

[Goldcrest]

Hey Riv3rW0lf   Yep, spot on about the difficulties I have with validating or even feeling hurt for my self. I have always behaved as though my mum is the little, wounded girl and I am the parent. It is of course the other way around. Since being no contact the only emotion that would sneak up on me was worry about my mum hurting. Then yesterday, before I got the voicemail, I started to feel really hurt and cross at how I had been treated. I remembered how I was treated by her at the hospital, while my dad lay there dying. I felt almost dizzy and sick with how strong the feelings were as they surfaced. Ironic that that evening she called, almost as if I was psychic to her trying to reel me back in.

A bait for money ... She doesn't know you. She still thinks money is what you are after and this won't change. Maybe it is projection on her part. She is unable to see the little girl that needed a mother, and didn't get one. And she won't ever be able to be the mother you need.

Yes, her very first sentence was a bait for money. It is a test, she still can not believe that someone would rather live free and with integrity, instead of take her money. Her flying monkeys are all about big houses, flashy cars but are incapable of authentic feelings or empathy. Walking away from the money has felt amazing if I am honest. I have never regretted it. I won't lie I am afraid at times as to how I will manage financially but I realise it was all a fantasy anyway, she never wanted me to have anything, she would have written a cheque not long after dad died if she wanted to truly help me.

I recently realized I needed to grieve my own alive mother, I don't know where to begin though, but I have this intuition that grieving the mother I never had will help decrease my sensibility to the woman who took care of me on a basic level growing up.

I hear you!   I guess the more you process the loss, and perhaps through seeing the good mother you are to your own children? This is a reminder of what was absent for you. When you see how happy and secure they are. Where was your happiness and security? We have no concept of these things so it is difficult to know what is absent. We have only known dysfunction.

Thank you Riv3rW0lf




 

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hey Riv3rW0lf   Yep, spot on about the difficulties I have with validating or even feeling hurt for my self. I have always behaved as though my mum is the little, wounded girl and I am the parent. It is of course the other way around. Since being no contact the only emotion that would sneak up on me was worry about my mum hurting. Then yesterday, before I got the voicemail, I started to feel really hurt and cross at how I had been treated. I remembered how I was treated by her at the hospital, while my dad lay there dying. I felt almost dizzy and sick with how strong the feelings were as they surfaced. Ironic that that evening she called, almost as if I was psychic to her trying to reel me back in.
 

It does feel like they can somehow sense us slowly detaching.

I've observed that as well. I blocked my "mother", and the days she sent me texts (they end up Ina SPAM folder) often correlated with the days I felt more detached with high anger and resentment, and self compassion, as opposed to worrying about her hurt.

Since doing that trick that my T proposed, there has been a lot of reactions on her part, which allowed me to see just how much I don't trust her and have no sense of security with her. I called her out in front of my brothers and told her I would be talking about it with my T. For the first time ever, it seemed like she provided genuine excuses, but thinking back on it, I think she was looking to look "sane", now that she knows there is a neutral eye somewhere hearing about her behaviour.  She never ever said anything that didn't carry some kind of blame somewhere.. the fact that she did at that precise moment showed me it was a choice. She chooses to write blame and to guiltrip me.

Often, with BPD, I see them painted as victim of their illness, and while it is true that it can be challenging for them, some still go into therapy and improve their behavior. Our mothers didn't and my T pointed out : it is a choice to not take responsibility on their part. He doesn't buy into the whole "they are victim of their illness and we should bend backward for them". It was a relief to hear that from a professional, if I am being honest. I tended to pity her, because she is borderline, but he was clear that we are the victim and she had choices. She chose not to get help, and she chooses to put blame in her writing as a method of control.

Since that it has been radio silence on all parts, and it feels good. It gives me time to grieve and process.

How are you feeling today?

[zachira]

Going through the cycle of feeling better, noticing you are overall feeling better and able to read books again, while being triggered by the voicemail from your mother, is so normal after what you have been through and are going through. It seems that the difference is when a normal person hurts us there are things that could be done that could repair the relationship and the hurt can be fairly easily described. With a mother with BPD and the cast of flying monkeys and the lifelong list of hurts, there is no end to the bad feelings and on top of that, your mother said so many painful things on that voicemail, there is no end to what really hurt and to feeling overwhelmed in the moment. What is key is you are overwhelmed in the moment yet you are facing the hurt and getting back to baseline by not contacting your mother. So many of us on PSI, have been through these types of cycles many times, as we figure out how not to be so overwhelmed and getting back to baseline so we can continue to move forward.

[Methuen]

So glad to hear you are feeling calmer and more able to focus (eg reading).  It is remarkable at just how much better we can feel, when we can remove ourself from a toxic person.

So I didn't check to see who the call was from and listened to the voicemail. It was my mother. The first sentence was an offer of money...

. This made me LOL.

Another wise person on this forum once posted "I know things now".  And so do you clearly, which is why you are now able to rationally think your way through all this, and come to the conclusion that you are going to be just fine, in holding your nerve and not responding to that offer or voicemail.

I am just impressed by how rational your post was.  The whole situation sucks.  I know it doesn't always feel good, but GoldCrest, you're doing great work here.  Cheering you on!

[WalkbyFaith]

Goldcrest, it has to be difficult to maintain your silence in the face of this voicemail. It sounds like you are doing so well at sticking to your decision.

[Goldcrest]

Riv3rW0lf thanks for asking how I am feeling today   Yesterday was hard, I was up and down but if I did have a moment of grieving it passes through and then I am okay again. So I would just let the feelings come. I know without shadow of a doubt that there is no going back, this is one hell of an injury to her and she would make me suffer ten fold if I did contact her now.

I called her out in front of my brothers and told her I would be talking about it with my T. For the first time ever, it seemed like she provided genuine excuses, but thinking back on it, I think she was looking to look "sane", now that she knows there is a neutral eye somewhere hearing about her behaviour.  She never ever said anything that didn't carry some kind of blame somewhere.. the fact that she did at that precise moment showed me it was a choice. She chooses to write blame and to guiltrip me.

They are so cunning, the "sane" behaviour and subsequent sense of confusion and gaslighting.

I seem to feel mostly sadness and loss. I have said this before but my feeling is I have cut off my own child, how bizarre is that? So clearly I was her parent and only now do I see how much parenting I was doing for her.

Going through the cycle of feeling better, noticing you are overall feeling better and able to read books again, while being triggered by the voicemail from your mother, is so normal after what you have been through and are going through. It seems that the difference is when a normal person hurts us there are things that could be done that could repair the relationship and the hurt can be fairly easily described. With a mother with BPD and the cast of flying monkeys and the lifelong list of hurts, there is no end to the bad feelings and on top of that, your mother said so many painful things on that voicemail, there is no end to what really hurt and to feeling overwhelmed in the moment. What is key is you are overwhelmed in the moment yet you are facing the hurt and getting back to baseline by not contacting your mother. So many of us on PSI, have been through these types of cycles many times, as we figure out how not to be so overwhelmed and getting back to baseline so we can continue to move forward.

Zachira yes, and it is interesting to me how quickly I can settle myself again. I was lying in bed last night thinking about the end...when she dies. Now I am no contact I want to avoid any contact with her flying monkeys too so I hope she doesn't set up her will that I will have to go back home to face them. Knowing my luck she will leave me the contents of the house (junk) LOL.

Meuthen and WalkbyFaith thank you both for your words of support. Sometimes it is terrifying when I think about the enormity of what I am doing. I was thinking about it as a blue print for my life now. To stand up to a bully. No one has ever made my mother accountable for her behaviour. 78 years of lying, manipulation and abuse. I knew that if I wanted to survive in this world and not get pushed around anymore I needed to stand up to the first bully in my life. I can not know what my mum is feeling, truly feeling about all this. She has many flying monkeys who will soothe her and tell her she is wonderful. I have given her a gift, now she has cancer AND a daughter who has discarded her. I was thinking this morning, a normal mum would know, I loved her, because there were times where despite all the horror I felt and radiated love for her but it has always been like putting sand into a sieve. It just falls through her, you can not fill her up.

[Methuen]

a daughter who has discarded her

Goldcrest, is it ok if I make a gentle suggestion? 

Think of it as letting go of something you want to love, but which can’t love you back. Discarding is probably a word she would use, but it doesn’t have to be your word too.  I am thinking “discarding “ gives her the power, but “letting go” gives you the power, because it’s your choice.  It’s also the truth.

[Goldcrest]

Methuen thank you for your suggestion. I agree. I have let go of her. I did it for me, because I couldn't take anymore suffering and wanted a chance at a happier life. This is what I tell myself when I feel the guilt. I made a choice. I didn't do it to hurt her, I did all I could to demonstrate compassion, love and care.

[beatricex]

hi Goldcrest,
I big hug to you for doing the hard work of letting go. 

I am almost a year no contact and I too get scared when my uBPD mom contacts me.  She texted both me and my husband on my birthday, about a month ago.  I blocked her on both our phones and email.  Dad too (I thought they were already blocked, but apparently not).  Oldest brother also texted me, he's a flying monkey, so yup blocked.  Second oldest brother, another flying monkey, blocked.  They can't seem to grasp I don't want contact, though (despite me telling my Mom last year "stop texting and emailing us" in a phone conversation).  It's like she will just conviently forget I told her that.  BTW, her response to me saying that to her was completly invalidating, she said in a real sarcastic tone "Ohhhh, poor you." [I thought st-pid b--tch! but said nothing when she replied like that to me trying to establish a boundary with her].

My parents actually stopped by last Sunday to throw something over my wall, into our backyard.  We found the object the next day, rewound the security camera, and yup, there's my Mom and Dad, cruising our neighborhood at dusk, and yup, there's my Dad throwing something over our wall (I could see my Mom was in the car, the camera caught that too).  The object was actually a gift I had given my Mom, guess that was her way of discarding me back?  Don't really know.  She regifts every gift I give her back, as she's extremely OCD, even when I am speaking with her.  So I don't really know the reasoning behind this action, except it's clear my dad's angry, from his body language in the video.

This scared both my husband and I at first.  I mean, really?  What are they children? (both are in their 70's)

Like you, I have come to the conclusion that talking to them at all about anything is pretty pointless.  It's completely one sided (all about my mom and her emotional dysregulation, her feelings, her wants/needs not mine).  I don't like her either, and never have.  This recent episode was at least something concrete I could point at and tell my husband "see, i told you they gaslight me."  (if the camera had not caught this, I would have wondered for weeks how that object showed up in my backyard).  It actually made me feel better that she did that.  Proves I guess, I am not the crazy one, she is...and probably my Dad too, they cannot get over anything, always have to rachet it up a notch, and go to the extreme.  A final "F you" from both of them.  Well, probably not final, although I wish it was.

Not wanting to have the police called on me is really the deciding factor in my not engaging, even when it's them coming to my house, driving with their lights off, and throwing stuff over my wall into my backyard in a most creepy and unsettling manner.  Just because I stopped talking to my FOO and blocked them. 

 
b

[Riv3rW0lf]

b,

This is very creepy indeed. I recognize my mother's behavior in there. She never had to go to this kind of extreme (we are very low contact), but she did recently return the christmas gift we gave her and my stepfather (pictures of my children). Which is ironic, because she keeps asking me for pictures of my children. When I confronted her (I basically asked her what she meant by sending it back) and she said she didn't send it back, just didn't notice it was her Christmas gift (that was hilarious, to think she think I believe her somehow?). It was written : Mery Christmas "her name" and "stepfather name", and I know she has a really high attention to details, it is after all, part of her disorder.

All this to say : they are looking for a reaction.

A call offering money : just looking for a reaction from Goldcrest because deep down, she knows Goldcrest is not interested in the money, and she is trying to anger her to force a reaction because she fears abandonment, she fears the loss of control on Goldcrest.

I see the exact same reason in what your parents did to you.

And the exact same reason with my own mother.

They will try to anger us, hurt us, just to get a reaction because a reaction means there is no abandonment : we are still reacting and speaking to them, so they still have a bit of control.

It is irrational. One cannot think rationally about irrational people acting irrationally.

[Methuen]

 What are they children? (both are in their 70's)

This made me laugh, but sadly yes, their emotional intelligence equates to that of children.  Sometimes EI gets stuck at whatever age their trauma occurred in their childhood.  

Like you, I have come to the conclusion that talking to them at all about anything is pretty pointless.  It's completely one sided (all about my mom and her emotional dysregulation, her feelings, her wants/needs not mine).  I don't like her either, and never have.  This recent episode was at least something concrete I could point at and tell my husband "see, i told you they gaslight me."  

Yes, I've come to the conclusion that pwBPD are stuck in some "ego centric" phase of child development, or, they have narcissistic traits.  My mom's favourite sister recently went into a "locked ward" in a long term care facility.  They used to talk to each other about 3 times a day by phone (conversation was always the same and lasted 1-2 minutes). They live about 18 hours away from each other.  Anyways, I got a text from mom last night informing me she had one of her contacts go visit her sister in this new locked ward.  To quote mom's text:  " ____(friend) said _____(sister) was so sweet.  I'm so afraid she'd forgotten me."  Really?  That's the biggest thing on her mind?  Mom of course made it about her.  The most important thing to her is her sister remembering her, not her sister's failing health or what that might be like for her sister. Also B, funny how even though we know our truth about our pwBPD, it feels so much better when there is objective evidence which our partner can see which proves "its not us".  What does that say I wonder?  Anyways, for you, having the video footage is awesome.  If it were me, I would probably copy and store it on a USB and put it in a file.  It's a pretty objective snapshot of the vindictive, hurtful, vengeful, and juvenile behavior you've endured (and which we can all sadly relate to).  Just knowing I had that evidence in my hot little hands would be enough.  I don't need to do anything with it.

Let them have their last word. The childish behavior can end there.  Let yourself enjoy the peace that comes with NC.  

They will try to anger us, hurt us, just to get a reaction because a reaction means there is no abandonment : we are still reacting and speaking to them, so they still have a bit of control.

And there it is.  In a nutshell.  Well stated Riv3rW0lf.  That could go on a wisdom board.

[Goldcrest]

Hi Beatricex, WOW on the chucking a gift over the wall, I had to chuckle a bit at how crazy that behaviour is and yet to us with our BPD parents it's quite normal. I'm sorry for what you have been through Beatricex.

It's funny, I had to check my answerphone the other day and was really phobic about coming across my mothers voicemail again (I had considered saving it along with a few others I have). I deleted it before she could utter the second word. I was really scared and felt sick too. That has surprised me how scared I feel. I think it is like when you are little and you do something really naughty but you have to go and face the music, that feeling. I feel like I have committed a criminal act and at some point the police will catch up with me! Like I'm on the run.

Riv3rW0lf, yep, it was never about the money. I tried so hard to show her I didn't want her money I just wanted to make sure she was protected from the flying monkeys who do want her cash. Within a week of dad's death she was giving out a thousand pounds each, to two of her so called "friends". My dad would have been mortified, especially as he couldn't stand one of them. There was something so sadistic in the way she would dangle money at me, both of us knowing full well it would never materialise, she would watch my face closely for a reaction. I think she was offering money in the voicemail because she expected me to phone up rejecting it. She wanted a reaction as you say. Staying silent, staying no contact will really shock her.

[Riv3rW0lf]

It's funny, I had to check my answerphone the other day and was really phobic about coming across my mothers voicemail again (I had considered saving it along with a few others I have). I deleted it before she could utter the second word. I was really scared and felt sick too. That has surprised me how scared I feel. I think it is like when you are little and you do something really naughty but you have to go and face the music, that feeling. I feel like I have committed a criminal act and at some point the police will catch up with me! Like I'm on the run.

I understand the feeling. I understand if we will one day be less triggered by them. There must be a way to desensitize ourselves, see them for what they truly are: old women who cannot hurt us anymore.