Evaluating whether to go no contact with BPD parent

[FeelingStuck]

This is my first post on this site. It's been so validating to read others' posts so far! I've been the recipient of abusive messages that sound a lot like what others posting here have been through. Several years ago, I learned from my therapist that what my mother says to me can be referred to as emotional manipulation and abuse, but it wasn't until the past year that it finally clicked that she must have bpd.

I graduated from college a few years back and moved to a new city for a job. Since then, I've moved again, to an apartment with my SO of several years. My mother has always exhibited some behavior consistent with bpd (possibly narcissism too), and I've had a fraught relationship with her for as long as I can remember. Since becoming financially independent, moving to a new area, and committing to a serious relationship, she has become even more desperate in her attempts to attract me back to her. When COVID hit and I was able to work from home, she couldn't understand why I wouldn't move back in with her. When I set boundaries on my conversations and visits with her, she got even more extreme with her disparaging language. ("You don't care about me at all, you never did, I'll die alone.") Most recently, during the holiday season, she threatened suicide when my SO and I left her house to spend part of our holiday with his family. This behavior has gotten me to consider going no contact again. I went no contact with her once several years ago for a few months and it was both guilt-inducing and freeing, but it wasn't doable at the time for me to keep it up. Back then, I was still financially dependent upon her (her and my father had split; and she was my sole legal guardian and responsible for me financially per their divorce agreement). Now that I'm on my own, and her current behavior makes it difficult to cherish any time spent with her, I'm considering going no contact. I feel stuck, and whenever I hear from her, it triggers this stuck feeling which sends me into a cycle of despair and rumination. I'm tired of being afraid of her volatile emotions and unpredictable responses to what I say or do, so I'm not tip-toeing around her anymore, but the things she says still upset me to my core.

My SO tries to comfort me emotionally and validate my feelings, but he hasn't suffered from a situation like this with any family members or previous romantic partners (thankfully), so there's a limit to the help he can provide. I want to seek a community to turn to aside from just him or my friends because I don't want to strain my relationships with them and also feel that the best advice can come from those who have been through it.

Now, I'm wondering what strategies there are to reduce the emotional impact that I feel when she says hurtful things. I'll try whatever options there are. And if I exhaust those, I think I'll feel I've done enough that I shouldn't be guilty going no contact with her. Do any of you have recommendations for communication strategies, or things I can practice on my own? And for those of you who have gone no contact, how did you decide? Did it help? How did you keep it up? Sending my love and support.

[Goldcrest]

Hey FeelingStuck, sorry to read what you are experiencing. You have my sympathy. I have written a few posts about my going no contact (nearly two months now).

Similar to you I went no contact many years ago at around your age but came back low contact in my 30s and can clearly see my mental health starting to deteriorate when I allowed my mother back. Even low contact was triggering for me. When my mum was diagnosed with cancer 4 years ago and I was told by her she had months left to live, I went back to regular contact. I would phone twice a day. For the last 4 years my life became prison and I became angry and depressed. When my dad died last October and my mums subsequent behaviour towards me became much worse, I started to think hard about no contact. With my dad gone I spent a lot of time with her on her own, something I hadn't done since childhood (dad was always around when I visited). Without my dad, mum became completely unstable. She no longer had someone to berate or bully and I really saw how she manipulated all the key players in her life. I was naive to think that because I had worked so hard, speaking to her twice daily, often intolerable conversations, I was some how now immune to her smear campaigns. The weekend I went no contact something happened that opened my eyes, I saw I was no different to anyone else, just another person to be lied to and manipulated. I woke up. I had talked about my abuse but now I actually felt the impact of that abuse and I knew I needed to walk away.

Has it helped? Yes, absolutely. I feel free, I can be the person I know myself to be. I sleep. My work has improved and I feel positive, am less critical, I am kind again.

Is it hard? Yes and No. I thought it would be harder...some days the guilt and also fear hit me...but surprisingly quickly I find myself okay again. This gets easier with time. I only have to remember that returning to contact will simply take me back to the prison again. Initially my mum will be all love but within a matter of days it will be awful again and I know she will remind me constantly of how much I hurt her and on and on. I am no contact because I can't take any more. Me. I am doing this for me. That is what I remind myself. Contact causes me terrible pain, I don't want to suffer anymore.

You may not be there yet but it is good you are thinking around it. I know that the first time I went no contact was made so much more doable by regular therapy. Having a therapist validating the no contact and my abuse kept me on track.  

[zachira]

You are evaluating whether to go no contact with your BPD mother. You will be supported here on PSI as you make decisions about how to deal with your mother. Many members here have gone through different stages of no contact and low contact depending on what works for them at that time. Know that you do not have to make a permanent decision on no contact with your mother and if you do decide to go no contact with your mother, we will support you here. My mother with BPD is deceased, and I have many disordered family members both in my immediate and extended families. If you are able to go fully no contact with your mother now, it could give you some time to heal and be more able to set healthy boundaries with your mother if you do decide to have low contact with her though we will fully support you if the no contact becomes permanent.

[WalkbyFaith]

I'm afraid I don't have much advice, as I'm in a similar position of trying to work through the conflict and deciding for sure if I'm ready to go no contact. But I just wanted to say welcome and that so many of us here understand where you are. I also wanted to commend you for making the effort to exhaust your resources and deal with the emotional trauma before making the final decision to cut contact. I have voiced it to my husband and my therapist as, "I need to be at peace within myself that this is the right decision, before I do something irreversible."

Hugs to you. We are here for you!

[Riv3rW0lf]

I think I am low contact... Almost no contact ... I haven't spoken with my mother for a month now, except yesterday I sent her two pictures of her grandchildren, wished her Happy Easter, and blocked her again.

I asked for a pause, and that's what I need to see it as : just a pause. I know I will contact her again at some point to ... Discuss, with support present and not alone with her, what I have realized about my past... Things I think she should know. I know she will never admit knowing about it, even though I am sure she does. And it doesn't matter : I need her to know that I remember what she let happened to me and how a bad mother she actually was. Not even for revenge, but to solidify my story, and recognize it. Whether she decides to recognize it or not, I need her to know I will never forget she let this happened, I might forgive at some point, but certainly not now.  I still don't know if I want this discussion to be the final one, or a boundary-setting one... I still need some time to process before I decide.

All this to say ... This is your decision, and yours only, and only you know what you need to do to fully heal. My husband wants me to cut my mother off completely, but I know, deep down, that doing that will not help my healing, not right now anyway. We are all different... Someone here told me something that helped a lot :" if you go no contact, you don't have to make it permanent nor final. " Unless this is what you want to heal.

I have found lowering contact to a bare minimum truly helpful in decreasing my ruminating and coming back to myself.

I hope your journey toward healing goes well.

Much support here. Hug.

[Goldcrest]

FeelingStuck, just to add that the people here were a huge support to me when I was making my decision and once on the other side. I think it was why I felt ready to do it because from their stories and their validation I was finally able to find a community of people that believed in my pain and could relate to it. I was always gaslighting myself previously. When my mum was in a love bombing phase I would start to tell myself it wasn't that bad. With regular postings here I could see just how bad it was. As someone else suggested journalling is great too. I would write down when I had called my mum and the contents of the convo and then describe the emotions it had triggered. 

[FeelingStuck]

Thank you everyone! I already feel very supported by these messages. It's heartbreaking to read the struggles that you all have dealt with but you seem like very mature & strong people for having the ability to communicate about them and support others. As some of you have mentioned, it is a little comforting to think that going no contact doesn't have to be permanent, which alleviates the guilt I feel in the moment.


And Goldcrest, it is so painful to hear that you were there for your mother in her time of need which expanded into years of the same prison. It's so difficult when we hope we can restart a relationship with someone with BPD anew that won't fall into the old pattern, but the hopes are dashed when the pattern resumes suddenly.

My mother has had no shortage of health, work, and romantic issues, all of which she has used to coerce me into becoming her supportive partner in a sense. Lately, her message is that she's too old and weak to take on all of her responsibilities and needs someone in her life to help her (yet ironically, she keeps taking on more responsibilities at work and with home renovtions). She has a boyfriend with whom she has split up many times, but recently got back together with him when it was clear my father and I weren't interested in giving up our lives to be at her beck and call. Now, I'm starting to grapple with my mother's mortality, what level of care I will be able to offer her, and whether I'll feel okay with myself as a daughter and human after that day actually comes. It's a bit sickening, but this family situation has made me obsessed with earning money so that I can be both financially independent and able to hire help for my mother one day when she truly is no longer able to work or take care of herself, even in the event I choose to go no contact.