Being Asked "What was your part in this?"

[WhatToDo47]

When I first started detaching, if anyone would ask what my part in everything was, I would become so upset and it would make me feel like I failed. I just recently realized that I did have a part in this dance. I enabled her, I didn't force her to deal with the consequences of her actions and the relationships she destroyed, I let myself be abused and "love tested" until it escalated to a place that was physically, emotionally, verbally dangerous for me, my pets, my family, and even for her due to her self harm.

At first, I though that finding my part meant that I needed to be even more codependent, that I could have done something to prevent the discard and blow up of the relationship, that if I could just get her back I could make it work. Now, I realize that finding my part doesn't mean that I need to find out how to be more codependent, more of a doormat (which sounds depressing and stressful), rather, it means learning how to stand up for myself again, not enable abusive and self destructive behavior, and how to set boundaries for myself and protect myself and one the kids that I hope to have with a nonBPD future spouse.

Not sure why I'm posting this, but it's helped me heal, and I hope it helps someone else, too. I'd be curious any thoughts this provokes in y'all.

Thanks for your time

[NotAHero]

When I first started detaching, if anyone would ask what my part in everything was, I would become so upset and it would make me feel like I failed. I just recently realized that I did have a part in this dance. I enabled her, I didn't force her to deal with the consequences of her actions and the relationships she destroyed, I let myself be abused and "love tested" until it escalated to a place that was physically, emotionally, verbally dangerous for me, my pets, my family, and even for her due to her self harm.

At first, I though that finding my part meant that I needed to be even more codependent, that I could have done something to prevent the discard and blow up of the relationship, that if I could just get her back I could make it work. Now, I realize that finding my part doesn't mean that I need to find out how to be more codependent, more of a doormat (which sounds depressing and stressful), rather, it means learning how to stand up for myself again, not enable abusive and self destructive behavior, and how to set boundaries for myself and protect myself and one the kids that I hope to have with a nonBPD future spouse.

Not sure why I'm posting this, but it's helped me heal, and I hope it helps someone else, too. I'd be curious any thoughts this provokes in y'all.

Thanks for your time

 In what you wrote I sense some guilt still, I am I right ?

 As if you had better boundaries you would still be with her and life would be good.

 In truth, no, even if you set boundaries it only delays the inevitable. I can tell you there is nothing I didn’t try, including setting boundaries. She would respect a certain boundary when she felt it’s firm but then start breaking another.  At the end the Illness wins and there is nothing you can do. So your part of this was being unwilling participant in a game of self loathe and unresolved issues that the BPD had no intention of facing.

[Roisin]

Thank you not a hero for such an honest to the core response. Questioning what is my part? Setting boundaries to have other egregious behaviors and attitudes to replace them is so devastating. Being questioned “what is your part in this, what is it you are doing to enable this behavior to continue…” The litany goes on, professionals, agencies, family and friends. Sometimes I just wanted to scream & sometimes I did when I had enough, “ Enough of that none of it flipping matters, the reality is my daughter has a mental illness. When do we work on the solution & stop questioning who did or didn’t spit wooden nickels.”
I refuse to play that Sigmund Freud game with anyone. I know what I did & didn’t do & I’ve given my everything to get help for my child. There are so many theories about BPD , gene’s, abuse, nature, nurture, simply the makeup of the individual. So much time is wasted on that  of fighting/ blaming parents as precious time in our child’s life is ticking away & our child is falling further away into their mental illness. The longer this goes on & the deeper our love ones fall down the rabbits hole the less likely they will recover.

[drumdog4M]

There does seem to be a lot of time spent on trying to assign blame, which is really unhelpful in so many ways. The focus should be on supporting the pwBPD and their families, or people healing from relationships involving them. FWIW, it seems like the medical community is better understanding the biological bases of BPD, rather than environmental factors. My ex-pwBPD from all I know had a pretty normal childhood, no abuse, etc. Her sisters turned out mentally healthy form what I know. But, there was mental illness and suicide on her mother's side of the family, and perhaps her mom has some BPD traits. Around puberty, however, things changed for her and her life went downhill. She did experience some traumatic events around then, but I think her string emotions and sensitivity (likely hardwired) turned it into something much more serious than otherwise would have been the case.

As a parent myself of a teenage girl who struggles with other mental health issues (eating disorder, anxiety), I empathize with how hard it must be and have been to be a parent of a daughter suffering with BPD. I'm confident you did the best you could with the information and resources you had. It's really hard to have any sort of relationship with a pw-BPD, and I often felt for my ex's parents when she recounted some of the stories from her teens and 20s -- multiple suicide attempts, hospitalizations, drug & alcohol abuse, running away, dropping out of school.

One thing that surprised me was that she and her mother discounted the BPD diagnosis, and it was only later that my ex sort of stumbled onto DBT to help with self-harming. Though she isn't cured by any stretch of imagination, it did seem to improve her life and daily functioning.

Please be well.

[Woolspinner2000]

Have any of you ever considered a different thought, one that we deal with on the PSI board:

Sometimes none of it is your fault.

In other words, is it possible to wrap your head around the thought that you didn't contribute to it, you're not to blame, that you don't need to walk around with a heavy weight on you?

We are each responsible for ourselves and our actions.

 
Wools

[WhatToDo47]

In what you wrote I sense some guilt still, I am I right ?

 As if you had better boundaries you would still be with her and life would be good.

 In truth, no, even if you set boundaries it only delays the inevitable. I can tell you there is nothing I didn’t try, including setting boundaries. She would respect a certain boundary when she felt it’s firm but then start breaking another.  At the end the Illness wins and there is nothing you can do. So your part of this was being unwilling participant in a game of self loathe and unresolved issues that the BPD had no intention of facing.

Thank you, NotaHero. You are 100% right and this is exactly what I needed to read tonight. I signed up for a healthy, loving relationship and marriage, not the vortex of misery that her life and relationships are. Thank you for the reality check and I need to forgive myself.

[WhatToDo47]

Have any of you ever considered a different thought, one that we deal with on the PSI board:

Sometimes none of it is your fault.

In other words, is it possible to wrap your head around the thought that you didn't contribute to it, you're not to blame, that you don't need to walk around with a heavy weight on you?

We are each responsible for ourselves and our actions.

 
Wools

Thank you Wools, that is a truly liberating thought, and I think you are right. We all got caught in something that started way before us and will exist way after us. None of this was our fault, we didn't really matter to them other than the temporary focus of the disorder. This should be depressing but it is actually a huge relief to release myself and her to a higher power like this. Thank you truly

[WhatToDo47]

Regarding parenting/cause, I think BPD is so complex that there are many contributing factors. Brain scans show a difference, many pwBPD claim terrible abuse but they also don't live in reality and are prone to false accusations, so we can't be sure. I have a family member whose mom is a pwBPD, she was and is an awful and selfish mother, but her mother was wonderful and I'm quite sure didn't cause her BPD. On the other hand, my ex's mom was terrible and probably did contribute to it. I don't think any of us should blame ourselves for pwBPD, and they are responsible for their own actions as we are, or for getting help if their lives are a mess.

One thing that a wise woman told me: Their mental illness isn't their fault, but it is their responsibility to get help. pwBPD aren't good at this.

I hope no one on here blames themselves, and I'll try not to either. Have a great night all and thanks for the great thread!

[WhatToDo47]

Have any of you ever considered a different thought, one that we deal with on the PSI board:

Sometimes none of it is your fault.

In other words, is it possible to wrap your head around the thought that you didn't contribute to it, you're not to blame, that you don't need to walk around with a heavy weight on you?

We are each responsible for ourselves and our actions.

 
Wools

Also, where can I find the PSI board? I think I have some reading and work to do over there.

[Notwendy]

It's the parent, sibling, in law section of this website. I think it may be clearer for those of us with this kind of relationship with a pwBPD that asking what our part in it is, has nothing to do with blame. Of course, I had nothing to do with my mother having BPD, nor is a child in any way able to do something about it, but still- what is my part in this is a valid question.

There's no place for blame for anyone in a relationship with someone with BPD. I believe that everyone on this board has done all they could to help the person they care about. We didn't cause it, and the condition is known to therapists to be difficult to treat and so, being able to help it is beyond our ability and not our responsibility.

I think the benefit to me of looking at my part was for my own sake- to stop doing things that were not effective in the dynamics, that were enabling and making the relationship more difficult for me.

For those in a relationship, the benefit is that, if someone leaves a relationship without looking at their part in it, they risk recreating the dynamics with someone else. Reducing that risk helps the partner, not the pwBPD.

There is grief involved in the end of a romantic relationship and then there's hope for something better. With a relative, it's a different kind of grief. It's hard to see a relative fall down that rabbit hole of mental illness but unless they themselves are motivated to change, there's little even a therapist can do. "Looking at our role" is to help us do the best we can with a difficult relationship, and if by doing so, the relationship improves, then that's a plus, but mostly it's for us.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi WhatToDo47,

I see NotWendy already pointed you in the right direction to the Parent, Sibling and In law board here on the sight. We often say that all roads lead back to PSI because it's where we look at what lead us into an unhealthy relationship in the first place. So may of us adult kids raised by a BPD parent found ourselves stepping from an unhealthy childhood into an unhealthy relationship as adults.

We'll be happy to see you over there too if you have time to stop by. 

 
Wools

[WhatToDo47]

Thanks Wools and Notwendy. I will definitely check it out. Notwendy, that gives me so much hope and motivation. I don't know if she will always be a part of my life, but I know that she will always try to be. And I really do want the best for her and don't wish to cause her or anyone any harm. At the same time, I need to find hope for the future and I don't ever want to repeat this cycle again in a romantic relationship.

I definitely agree that everyone here did and does all they could. It helps to remember that even highly trained therapists struggle to help pwBPD.