Drama again with uBPD Mom (#1 uBPD vs Autistic Grandson)

[todayistheday]

I posted a couple weeks ago about how Mom is making life difficult for Dad and all that I can do is sit back and watch.

My somewhat enmeshed sister lives next door.  She usually has the "I'm staying out of it" attitude, which is all she can do.  Until it gets really bad, then she calls me.  Growing up, I was target child, sister was goldenchild.  I didn't know until a few years ago how much sister is aware.  But she has called me to report things sometimes, but other times when I talk to her about how it affects Dad, Sister says that they are adults and she's staying out of it. 

Now things are going nuts there again. Two things going on.

Number 1.
There are 2 nephews.  Older nephew is autistic.  Younger nephew is getting ready to graduate college.

Man, things have gone nuts there.  There was some confusion about the number of tickets available for a pre-graduation event between Mom and DN1.  Both thought that they were the one getting the last ticket.  Both had told sister that they weren't going.  So then both decided at last minute that they were going.  DN1 is the one who ended up going.   

Mom is now on the warpath and not going to the graduation at all.  When I talked to her, she told me that she wasn't "able" to go.  Sister told me it's because she was mad about the event. 

Mom is mad at DN1 (who is in his late 20s) who went for being "rude" to her.   She's writing him out of her life.  Remember, DN1 is Autistic.   .  Sister made the mistake of telling Mom that she lives with that all the time, and told her that she should be used to it.  Which of course made Mom even madder.

Sister is stressed because she doesn't want DN2's graduation to be ruined by Mom's actions. 

It was Mom's actions around DN1's graduation party that sent me to my therapist who hypothesized that Mom had BPD.  Then when I read eggshells and Borderline Mom, I was convinced.  Many things in the books that I did not tell therapist but were my childhood.

Focus of the next week is to not poke the bear and make things worse.  However we can do that.

Thing 2 in a separate post.

[Methuen]

This sounds like their drama.

Do you want to get involved? 

Is it your problem to fix?  Or can you remind yourself "not my problem!"

"This sounds like some people have hurt feelings.  Those people need to find a way to solve their problem if they want to.  This isn't my problem to solve" and then change topic or close the conversation?  Would that work?  It seems to me that these people always want to draw other people into their drama.  Life is too short.

I like your strategy of not poking the bear.

[todayistheday]

Absolutely nothing sis or I can do about the situation and we both know.   Sis called to warn me because we were going there for graduation festivities next weekend.  Sis is stressed by multiple other non-related  things now without the  mama-llama-drama that always shows up when she's not center of attention.   She needed me to listen to her vent.   Her warning means that I now know to commute rather than staying at moms through the events--only an hour's drive and my husband may slightly change his plans as well.

[WalkbyFaith]

Both of my parents (uBPD mom) took me to my graduation rehearsal, an hour's drive away. They fought and yelled for the entire drive, with me miserably awkward in the back seat. Then we all pasted on our smiles and went into the rehearsal. Sadly, I feel like my whole memory of my high school graduation is colored by that part of it.

I truly hope your mom tones it down for your nephew's graduation and he has nothing but positive memories! 

[todayistheday]

Both of my parents (uBPD mom) took me to my graduation rehearsal, an hour's drive away. They fought and yelled for the entire drive, with me miserably awkward in the back seat. Then we all pasted on our smiles and went into the rehearsal. Sadly, I feel like my whole memory of my high school graduation is colored by that part of it.

I truly hope your mom tones it down for your nephew's graduation and he has nothing but positive memories! 

I think she's still trying to sabotage.
When I called and told her my plans.
1.  She told me that it wasn't necessary for me to go.  That he would understand.  Besides her trying to sabotage, since she's refusing to go since she did not get to go to the pre-event.

2.  Sister is having a HUGE party after the graduation.  It's a joint event for several students since they have been together for the four years.  She's hosting since she lives local -- only 4 or 5 miles from the stadium even.  Other parents/families are helping with finances, etc.  Mom is criticizing her for it.  I intrepret it as jealousy as she has hosted prior parties for her grandsons at her house and she got to pick and choose who went and what was served, and all other control issues.  She's not in this one.

3.  Mom told me that nephew/grandson's other grandparents were going to be staying with her during the graduation because they are not "able" to attend.  No, they are going.  Even if they do not, they are not going to be at Mom's house.    My sister told me that she's doing everything she can to keep them separate.  Her in-laws live even closer that we do (and we only live a little over an hour away).

4.  Mom also tries to control my Dad.  He is friendly and can hit it off with anybody.  She, being borderline, is not that outgoing. But she pretends to be very nice.  She already told me that she is going to have to have a talk with him to keep him from talking too much.   My husband and I agree that husband will try to keep Dad safe from Mom during the party.  If Mom lets Dad attend. 

5.  I would not be surprised if Mom totally boycotts the party.  She's not going to the graduation or the diploma ceremony.  And if she does boycott it, everyone would be better off in the long run.

Sister is stressed by other things -- the event, her autistic son, regular life stuff.  She doesn't need this.  All I can do is listen to her vent.  She called to 'warn' me and tell me that Mom's "on the warpath".