How she really sees me

[WalkbyFaith]

I've been trying to process how I feel about a specific aspect of the conflict with my mom. Hoping that writing it out will help, and maybe some feedback, too...

When everything exploded again with my uBPD mom earlier this year (because I didn't allow her to come visit us when she wanted to, resulting in a months-long conflict/tirade of accusations and gaslighting, ending with me cutting contact just last week) -- I kept expecting her to bring up my husband, to make the accusation that he's the one keeping me from her or who turned me against her.

She has always had a bit of a problem with my husband (mainly because he didn't come ask permission/blessing from my parents before proposing to me) and she is very aware that he doesn't like her. He is very perceptive and can see straight through her act, see how dysfunctional she is, so he avoids her. She interprets this as "he doesn't like me." I knew, as a teen and young adult, that my mom had issues, but no one else in my FOO would ever admit it, so in my late 20's, my then-new husband was actually the one who validated me in what I was seeing and I finally felt free to say there is something wrong with her. That being said, since we've been married, our visits to my FOO have been less frequent and things have gotten progressively worse between me and my mom.

That's why I say I keep expecting her to accuse that it's all because of him, that he's turned me against her, or that he's keeping me away from her. It's not true, but it wouldn't be at all surprising to hear that assumption from her.

And yet she hasn't. She's barely mentioned him in all her recent tirades. Instead, she's just thrown so many ridiculous and hurtful accusations at me -- that I turned my back on my family, that I hurt my siblings and don't even care, that I'm selfish and judgmental, on and on.

I realized the other day that I think , in a weird way, I was maybe actually hoping for her to blame it on my husband. Because if she doesn't, it means she really just believes these terrible things about me. If she thought my husband was pulling me away from her because "he doesn't like her", then there might be hope in how she sees me. But as it stands... she really does see me as an awful, selfish person who chose to reject my family.

I hope this is making sense. I'm still trying to process it myself. It's a weird tension because why would I want her to make an untrue accusation against my husband? but at the same time, I'm sad that she hasn't because it means this is truly what she thinks of me.

[Riv3rW0lf]

From my perspective, and what I am currently starting to grasp is that BPD mother does not see me as just one thing. Her view of people is highly fluid and vary depending on :
- are they meeting her current needs of attention and veneration?  
- does she fear abandonment from them specifically? I.e. The level of importance of the relationships, the proximiy if you will...
- are they siding with her in the drama she creates?
- are they willing to raise her on a pedestal against their own value? To forgo their self for her view of them?  

If you were to come back to her, she would act as if nothing happened, you would just get back to how she saw you prior to the drama. There would be blame... with BPD there is always blame.

What I mean is : she doesn't see you one way or the other, her view of you is biased and will change following the current relationship you have with her.

She blames you and probably your husband too, but what she needs is a reaction to not feel abandoned. To get a reaction out of YOU, it is more effective to blame you and not him, to hurt you and not him, because she has no power over him and she knows that.

It is never about is, and always about the illness. I don't think they believe anything rigidly other than : they will abandon me. And they just react to this fear.

You want her to blame your husband because it would make it easier for you to deal with the guilt. Part of us do feel like we are abandoning them, and they are using that against us, using our guilt as a weapon. It's normal to wish for her to blame someone else, it eases the guilt somehow, makes it easier to "come back" if you want, in a way, even if you wouldn't want to... It leaves the door opened as opposed to completely shut... My perspective anyway. I might be off base.

Be gentle with yourself.

[Notwendy]

What my mother sees in other people are her projections.

I think it helps to not take what your mother says personally. It says more about her than you.

[Channing]

I think the reason so many of us can relate to your feelings about this is that BPD family members have spent a life time observing us and they know what to say to us to provoke feelings of shame and guilt. One of the most useful suggestions I ever read about this was to make sure not to express opinions or confidences to a relative with BPD. They just "save up" this information as ammunition to attack you later if you do something that they do not like. This book suggested that one should limit conversations to banal subjects and to the BPD relative's opinions and interests. Over time, they will know less and less about you and it will become harder for them to attack you in a way that causes feelings of self doubt and anxiety.

Also, I think the answer to your question is that she does not actually see you at all. Can you honestly say that you have ever felt really "seen" by her as an individual human with your own thoughts and feelings that matter? With my BPD family members, it seems like none of them has any interest in who I am except to the extent that I could be useful to them.