The hits keep coming and I'm getting numb

[Worn out one]

Hello All,

I'm a first timer here who has made the really tough decision to step away from my Mom. The years of bad behavior, defensive withdraw, followed by a victim stance with me as the bad guy has ground me down.
To keep the peace I usually give in and make sure she is ok. A lose/lose for me. I take it until my mental and emotional self is completely drained, and when it gets really bad a large oozing sore develops under my nose. It's happened so many times I have a scar there.
I have not seen her since Christmas (though she has come to the city where I live to see my brother twice and not called me) and the more distance there is the better I am beginning to feel. I'm reading Stop Walking on Eggshells, and have booked with a therapist who specializes in BPD and family trauma.
Feeling incredibly stressed with Mother's Day approaching. I have no desire to reach out but am concerned how greatly that will feed the victim narrative. Sucks to be in this position. I've basically parented my Mom my entire adult life. Just pretty much done now and need peace in my own heart.
Thanks for listening!

With love.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Welcome to the forum,

Yes, mother day is just around the corner now... I also wonder how I should approach it. I did a : happy grandmother day once... Which kept me out of it, kept the whole idea of mother out of it... I am considering doing this again... Posting a drawing from my daughter with a happy grandmother day...

I was thinking of cutting contact completely before then too... Wrote a letter and all. But really, I just don't want to bother anymore. I've spent the past 6 months thinking about her, and I feel like .. I am done.

It's a good idea, to get a therapist. I was so anxious when I chose mine, I felt like it was a scam... My mother told us all her life how psychologists are bad... Of course she doesn't like them ! My therapist has been great, and helped me a lot so far. I hope you find solace with yours as well.

How do you feel about the fact she saw your brother and didn't try to reach out to you?

[FeelingStuck]

Hi worn out one! You are not alone here. Kudos to you for taking the time to reflect on your experience and write out in wording the patterns you've seen developing in your relationship with your mom. In my experience, it was difficult just to acknowledge to myself that what my mom puts me through can be called abuse. So good for you putting a name to it, and starting to see a therapist!

To keep the peace I usually give in and make sure she is ok. A lose/lose for me. I take it until my mental and emotional self is completely drained...

This is something you'll see other posters on this site mentioning time and time again. It is ok for you to focus on yourself, emotionally and physically.

I have not seen her since Christmas (though she has come to the city where I live to see my brother twice and not called me) and the more distance there is the better I am beginning to feel.
...
Feeling incredibly stressed with Mother's Day approaching. I have no desire to reach out but am concerned how greatly that will feed the victim narrative. Sucks to be in this position. I've basically parented my Mom my entire adult life. Just pretty much done now and need peace in my own heart.

I think holidays tend to heighten the desire to be close with family, which leads to anxiety around perceived abandonment, and that can make a person with BPD act even more irrationally than usual. You should know that you have no obligation to speak or spend time with your mom on Mother's Day. I just decided today to send my mom flowers and a short card telling her I'm thinking of her, but I won't be visiting her this weekend. This will be the first time staying away for the holiday, and I'm also apprehensive about how this will go. But I have to remind myself that I'm taking care of me, which is new, and I shouldn't feel guilty about that. Hopefully you can come up with a way to take care of yourself and be comfortable with your decision about how to spend the day.

I just started posting recently myself. Sending you a warm welcome to the site.

[WalkbyFaith]

Hi there and welcome, glad you found this place for support! Many of us here very much understand what you are walking through. I personally just cut off contact with my mom (and whole enabling family) just over a week ago. I understand having physical symptoms that correspond to the relational stress - I sometimes break out with stress hives when dealing with my mom.

Hope you find the support and the peace you need.