Finally free and I don't know how to feel...

[Depression = 72% of members]

So my uBPDexbf and I broke up just now and I'm still a bit in shock. Also relief? Everything is jumbled up. We've been really up and down over the last 4 months, but an especially rough last 2 weeks. I thought we were turning a corner, and it all went up in smoke in the blink of an eye.

I finally had no more fks left to give tonight. After the last 2 years of emotional and verbal abuse I finally let it all out on the table and told him every bad thing I've ever wanted to say but was too scared to tell him. Like he made me cry more in the last 2 years than I had in my entire life. And I finally SCREAMED for the first time after he told me to go eff myself and it felt so freakin good to stand up for myself. For the first time, I had no more tears left to cry.

Of course he played the victim. He tried so hard to get me to say the words, but I didn't want him to twist it back on me to say that I'm the one who left him. He's the one who started the convo with "hey so how should we split up our assets?". He led this conversion from the very beginning and I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of being the villain in his story.

I'm so tired of the guilt tripping, the blame, the criticism, the pity party, the tearing me down. I literally got plastic surgery for him because he told me I "needed" it. Still I've always been the one who was holding him back from this grand life he could be living without me. I could never bring myself to fully surrender to him and he always took my boundaries as me saying I didn't care about him or prioritize him. I am tired of feeling like I'm crazy and selfish and worthless. I am free.

[LDRStrugglebus]

So my uBPDexbf and I broke up just now and I'm still a bit in shock. Also relief? Everything is jumbled up. We've been really up and down over the last 4 months, but an especially rough last 2 weeks. I thought we were turning a corner, and it all went up in smoke in the blink of an eye.

I finally had no more fks left to give tonight. After the last 2 years of emotional and verbal abuse I finally let it all out on the table and told him every bad thing I've ever wanted to say but was too scared to tell him. Like he made me cry more in the last 2 years than I had in my entire life. And I finally SCREAMED for the first time after he told me to go eff myself and it felt so freakin good to stand up for myself. For the first time, I had no more tears left to cry.

Of course he played the victim. He tried so hard to get me to say the words, but I didn't want him to twist it back on me to say that I'm the one who left him. He's the one who started the convo with "hey so how should we split up our assets?". He led this conversion from the very beginning and I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of being the villain in his story.

I'm so tired of the guilt tripping, the blame, the criticism, the pity party, the tearing me down. I literally got plastic surgery for him because he told me I "needed" it. Still I've always been the one who was holding him back from this grand life he could be living without me. I could never bring myself to fully surrender to him and he always took my boundaries as me saying I didn't care about him or prioritize him. I am tired of feeling like I'm crazy and selfish and worthless. I am free.

[SinisterComplex]

LDR...please continue to vent. We are paying attention and listening and of course care to help you heal throughout your journey.

It's obvious you went through hell and I am sorry you had to go through such struggles. You chose the name strugglebus so well I guess I have to respond back by saying yes The Struggle is Real. ;-)

You are free so what are you going to do now? What do you feel you need to work on? What goals do you have?

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[LDRStrugglebus]

Thanks for the response SC it really does mean a lot to know that someone cares. I don't think people outside of this community truly understand how much of a toll this takes.

I finally had a good cry about it today. I've been going through some struggles in my professional life as well and it all came to a head. Its a little embarraasing as it happened in the middle of a meeting I was having with my boss and once it started I couldn't get it to stop.

I think for now my primary goal is to focus on my career. That's a tangible area of my life that I have control over and maybe it'll help me drown out the personal woes.

I would also like to build up my confidence and find myself again. I spent so many moments trying to shape myself to becoming the perfect person my ex thought he "deserved" that I didn't stay true to myself. I let him push my boundaries and exert so much control over me.

I was just thinking about how after I told him about all the crying he's made me do, his response to that was like Oh yeah? Did any of your previous relationships give you what I've given you? No one has ever loved you the way I do. I already told you this is who I am, you can't pick and choose which parts of me you like.

That just struck me as so toxic and appaling. That he was justifying all the pain as an artifact of the way he demonstrated his love. And the fact that he said I can't pick & choose is so ironic because he was basically dating me for my potential and criticized me so heavily about my "flaws". How I was holding him back because he was always "waiting" for me.

I spent so many months tailoring my personality & behaviors to make sure I didn't anger him. I let myself be a groveling doormat with no pride. And I was holding back so much I just couldn't do it anymore. Every dark thought spilled out.

The only thing is that I'm kind of worried about his health. He's been off his meds so even more out of sorts than usual. And he was a lot of pain. But I finally chose myself this time.

[Rev]

Thanks for the response SC it really does mean a lot to know that someone cares. I don't think people outside of this community truly understand how much of a toll this takes.

I have found this to be true. And so, as SC always points out, that is why is place is family.

Hang in there.

Rev

[LDRStrugglebus]

So my ex has been traveling on business for the last 2 months and when we broke up yesterday it was over the phone and I had no idea where he was. Flash forward to now, we haven't talked since the break up and low & behold I found out that he picked up my dog from daycare without telling me. I only find out when I'm there and he's gone.

It's not my proudest moment but my mind went to a really bad place. I thought he might have taken him out of spite and would do something to him. So I call him and ask and the first thing I said is where's the dog? Did you pick him up?

This sent him to a really bad place again. Apparently he had traveled back today and was trying to do me a favor by picking him up for me. And he was upset that I asked about the dog first instead of him.

I feel like terrible person for automatically assuming the worst. On the other hand I sill care about him, on the other I don't think I would want to get back together like this. Even though he said he came back to "salvage" things. I just don't think this is healthy for either of us.

[Rev]

So my ex has been traveling on business for the last 2 months and when we broke up yesterday it was over the phone and I had no idea where he was. Flash forward to now, we haven't talked since the break up and low & behold I found out that he picked up my dog from daycare without telling me. I only find out when I'm there and he's gone.

It's not my proudest moment but my mind went to a really bad place. I thought he might have taken him out of spite and would do something to him. So I call him and ask and the first thing I said is where's the dog? Did you pick him up?

This sent him to a really bad place again. Apparently he had traveled back today and was trying to do me a favor by picking him up for me. And he was upset that I asked about the dog first instead of him.

I feel like terrible person for automatically assuming the worst. On the other hand I sill care about him, on the other I don't think I would want to get back together like this. Even though he said he came back to "salvage" things. I just don't think this is healthy for either of us.

How many times have you two "salvaged" the relationship in the past?

[Bvcruiser]

Feel good about yourself and realize that there is more than being a caretaker to a child trapped within an adults body.

[SinisterComplex]

Feel good about yourself and realize that there is more than being a caretaker to a child trapped within an adults body.

I do think this is a good analogy. In time LDR will probably come to that determination. However, I don't think she has arrived at that place yet. Nonetheless, this is definitely a theme I preach here often.

LDR or well I think I am going to use Struggsie as my short name for you.. ;-)

First, you are not a terrible person...do not say this or even think this of yourself because that is obviously false. Relax and try to regulate your emotions and try not to let them pinball around. Second, it is ok for you to care about him. No one should tell you to not care. However, something you should work on is learning to care, but create a boundary and keep it up so you can focus on YOU and truly begin to heal and get better and be better. In short, care but do so from a distance. You need to break your emotional entanglement or you will continue to struggle.

Remember, you are responsible only for YOU and your feelings no one else's. Focus on controlling what is in your control and try not to let the rest of the noise out there you have no control over cloud your thoughts and feelings. Ok? It sounds easy, but I get that it will take you some time. One step at a time and one day at a time ok.

Please be kind to you and take care of yourself...make it a priority each and everyday.

You keep coming back here and you use this resource as much as you truly need to. No judgment here. We are a FAM here and this is a safe haven for you to work through your S . We have your back.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-