Saying goodbye for mother's day : as a gift for myself

[zachira]

I agree with you that truth is hard to swallow. Think of how painful it has been for you to face how your family has treated you and not having the support you deserved when you are the child victim. I often ask myself: would I prefer to be one of the abusers with all the power and support from their flying monkeys with no capacity to face the pain, unable to feel real joy and love, unable to grow, or would I rather be the one suffering from the abuse, knowing that I will continue to feel better and have a happier life as I face the truth, as painful as it is to swallow.

[khibomsis]

RW, parental neglect sets the scene for child abuse. That your mother did not know is indeed the worst, the absolute worst thing that could have been said. You have every right to your feelings, and well done for having the courage to remember the truth. Yes, focus on the positive and move forward. You do not need validation from those who do not possess your courage. Let them find you along the way when they are ready.

[Riv3rW0lf]

You do not need validation from those who do not possess your courage. Let them find you along the way when they are ready.

I needed to read this. Thank you so much.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I agree with you that truth is hard to swallow. Think of how painful it has been for you to face how your family has treated you and not having the support you deserved when you are the child victim. I often ask myself: would I prefer to be one of the abusers with all the power and support from their flying monkeys with no capacity to face the pain, unable to feel real joy and love, unable to grow, or would I rather be the one suffering from the abuse, knowing that I will continue to feel better and have a happier life as I face the truth, as painful as it is to swallow.

You are right Zachira, we have to find solace in the fact that we are on a journey toward healing and freedom of choice, action instead of reaction. The hard road, but the only one that is truly worth living for.

[WalkbyFaith]

Riverwolf, I am sorry I'm just now catching up on this thread. You have been through a very tough week  I can hear how incredibly painful this is for you. You are courageous and strong, and I'm so grateful you have your dad and stepmother for support as well as your husband and other friends. Yet, the hole that is left by mother and siblings is a gaping hole. I understand that.

My siblings (and dad) have also taken sides with my mom, completely seeing her as the victim and me as the "bad guy." Siblings outright told me they will not have a relationship with me unless I am in good standing with mom. That was like a punch in the gut. So the situation is a bit different but I -- and many others here -- can sympathize with this pain of betrayal.

May you continue to find hope and healing, even if just one moment at a time.

[FeelingStuck]

Riv3rwolf, I'm writing to echo the posts of others:

It was brave of you to share your truth and confront your mother in that letter, perfectly reasonable to seek validation and support from your other family members, and healthy to discontinue contact with your brothers when they failed to validate you. Like you said, better to focus on the positive people you have in your life. And to break the cycle of drama and abuse, like you are doing already!

[Riv3rW0lf]

Thank you all very much for your kind words and support.

I wanted to give an update...

I was able to get in to see my therapist today and upon reading with him what my brothers had written, I could clearly see that I was completely blinded by rage.

My therapist pointed out that I threw a bomb, and collateral damage was bound to happen... But putting himself in the shoes of my brothers, he thought it clear that they loved me and were trying their best to mitigate the effects this bomb had, all the while trying to support me.

It is true that Brother 1 excuses our mother and blame shifts our dad, but it is also true that his own relationship with our dad was always a source of pain for him and very strained. Also, he did tell me he loved me and wished only that I get better.

It is true that Brother 2 called our mother first and told me my letter was a bit strong, he also excused our mother with her alcoholism. But it is also true that he felt deep pain for me and only wishes me well and to get better. He did not judge me when I said I wanted to cut contact with our mother and actually supported me in doing whatever I needed to heal.

I am enraged. Completely enraged. And when I am set off, while I don't attack, I also don't read and only see persecution and invalidation, because this is what I grew up with.

I contacted both my brothers today to tell them I was sorry. That I felt deep rage, but they were not the source, nor the cause of it. I am enraged at my mother and I have to learn to keep my rage in check and take a huge step back when I am triggered, to get a better sense of what is truly going on.

I learned about myself today, and this week.

I am lucky my brothers are not siding with anyone and I don't want to be like my mother by requesting they side with me. To each their path toward healing, and I will be there for them when and if they need me.

But I did cut contact with my mother and have not changed my mind on this. Because of all my rage and how badly her presence triggers me, it made it quite clear that I need to cut contact, for myself and for the sake of all the people I love around me, and toward whom I do not wish to discharge undue rage.

[zachira]

It takes great courage and integrity to not recruit others to side with you. Flying monkeys enable the abuse of others. Good for you for not recruiting your brothers to side with you, and not being like your mother!

[Riv3rW0lf]

It takes great courage and integrity to not recruit others to side with you. Flying monkeys enable the abuse of others. Good for you for not recruiting your brothers to side with you, and not being like your mother!

Thank you Zachira, the last thing I want is to become an abuser to my mother and brothers myself. Unchecked rage can lead to that, and I refuse to become a vengeful persecutor. I'd rather work on developing serenity and love, patience and acceptance for myself and others. 

[zachira]

We can often feel so dispondent how the abusers seem to have all the support and nobody believes us. Yet, you have chosen the high road and with time, you will be happier and healthier in ways that the abusers and their flying monkeys can never be.

[lm1109]

I am enraged. Completely enraged. And when I am set off, while I don't attack, I also don't read and only see persecution and invalidation, because this is what I grew up with.

I contacted both my brothers today to tell them I was sorry. That I felt deep rage, but they were not the source, nor the cause of it. I am enraged at my mother and I have to learn to keep my rage in check and take a huge step back when I am triggered, to get a better sense of what is truly going on.

I learned about myself today, and this week.

I am lucky my brothers are not siding with anyone and I don't want to be like my mother by requesting they side with me. To each their path toward healing, and I will be there for them when and if they need me.

This is really great Riv3rwolf. I am currently working through the rage as well, and to be honest, struggling a good bit with it right now. But I recently got angry with my husband and had to do the same thing...though he was being very unsupportive in a particular moment...I recognized that he was not the source of my anger. I relate to what you said about only seeing persecution when Im set off. I also had to realize that he can't support me enough to make the pain, hurt, disappointment, etc disappear. It's up to me to fix me. It's really hard to navigate other complex relationships when triggered...and I'm definitely still a work in progress. I guess it's to be expected but keeping myself in check with the people I love is crucial, and if there is one thing that I ACTUALLY learned from my mother, it's that I will NEVER stop learning, growing, and apologizing when I need to. I refuse to be HER! I'm really glad your therapist was able to help you sort out such heavy emotions. I am currently waiting until next week to see a new therapist, and I'm really hoping I can get some helpful perspective there as well.

Sending you lots of support

[Riv3rW0lf]

Thank you Im1109,

I am sending you tons of support too. The fact that we are aware just how angry we are is a good chunk of the battle, this awareness of ourselves, it will always differentiate us from our mothers.

I hope it clicks with your new therapist.

My therapist told me, when I start feeling angry and irritable, to take a second to tell myself : mother get out of this body !

It made me laugh. He works a lot with humor. But I think, although it sounds silly, this might be one of the best advice for me... Pushing weights, screaming and hitting things, it doesn't seem to work in letting it go...but humor mixed with recognizing that I am not my mother, it seems to help to switch things around and get back to myself maybe a bit quicker.

I think little RiverWolf likes to laugh.

 

[khibomsis]

Well done, RW! Well done for preserving a sense of humour and surviving to be that inner child who laughs and strives to be positive. I always think that the best revenge is to live the good life.  Khib