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Author Topic: Do I tell my uBPD Mother how she hurt me?  (Read 442 times)
New2BPD19

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Solid relationship until recently when I tried to implement boundaries
Posts: 5


« on: May 09, 2022, 08:16:11 AM »

I have been LC (only communicating via text) with my uBPD mom for about 8 months now.  After a 3 month silent treatment period, she attempted to reengaged through her normal habits: neediness (layered by FOG), boundary violations (calling in the middle of the night 2x, nasty messages, name calling, etc.), and "love bombing" (multiple positive messages each day for several days in a row).  Each time I have told her that I appreciate the positive messages (though I do not respond immediately or within the same day) but that the other actions are inappropriate and that I am not comfortable reengaging her until I can see meaningful behavioral change.  She now states that she had no idea what she has done to make me go LC and enforce these boundaries.  I understand that BPDs have selective memories and disassociate, but I also understand how conflict resolution requires honesty. 

In the past, I have never been completely honest with her.  I learned that confronting inappropriate behavior just compounded the ill effects, created more conflict, and often lead to rage and unpredictable actions.  Honest was not the best (or safest) policy.  So, I let things slide.  I learned to ignore bad behavior.  Fast forward to present and now my uBPD mom is looking for reference points to understand why I am LC.  I would really like to provide her with a copy of my journal over the last three years, but I understand that is not appropriate.  I could easily develop a long list of actions/behaviors that have led to this point.  However, I am split.  On the one side, I feel like that just provides an opportunity to discount her behavior and its effects on me and my family and that it will lead to no change, only a doubling down.  On the other side, I feel that I should be honest.  I would like to reconcile with her eventually and I question how can that happen if I do not tell her specifically how her behavior has affected our relationship. 

I think I know the right answer is to not send the list to her.  However, my empathic side wants to place myself in her shoes and in those shoes I would want to know what I did wrong so that I could change.  I realize, even just while typing this, that I am not dealing with a healthy individual and expecting her to take the information to create positive personal growth is a bridge too far.  Nonetheless, it would be helpful (even if it just benefits me) to get the list out there and let her chew on it, even if she spits it back out.  Paragraph header  (click to insert in post)

Thanks for your help!
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Mommydoc
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 386


« Reply #1 on: May 09, 2022, 08:46:03 AM »

Welcome New2BPD19, I am so happy you found this site. I can almost guarantee you will receive a lot more validation here if you share your experiences than if you share your list with your mom. I understand your deep desire to reconcile and have a healthy relationship with her. I am not new to BPD and yet I struggle continuously (as do many of us here) with the issue you describe. It feels counterintuitive, the way we must interact with someone we love. We all want to live our values and be authentic and yet that doesn’t usually work well with a loved one with BPD.
Excerpt
I realize, even just while typing this, that I am not dealing with a healthy individual and expecting her to take the information to create positive personal growth is a bridge too far. 

You are way in front of where I was when I started to learn about  BPD. Anchor yourself to that thought, keep posting and focus your energy on yourself. Through this site, reading and self reflection, you can change how you interact with her, how you show up, and it will feel better. What you can’t do is change her or her behavior.
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Riv3rW0lf
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Relationship status: Estranged; Complicated
Posts: 1247



« Reply #2 on: May 09, 2022, 12:14:54 PM »

Hi and welcome to the forum  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

You mighr have seen or will see that I just recently confronted my mother with a demon of our past. And I did this for one and one reason only : retake my power.

With BPD, especially when it comes to our mother, it implies a loss of power. The child is not being empowered, the child has to cave in endlessly to mitigate the mother's reactions. And in doing so, the child loses his/her power.

If you decide to confront your mother, it should be for yourself and not for her. Because no matter how and what you say, borderline is a personality disorder that often means they will not take any responsibility in hurting you, even if you were a young child unable to defend yourself, a true victim.

And so I've come to realize : it is easier when you don't expect anything of them. Whatever you do should be done for you...

Sometimes we need to express ourselves to heal. If you do, prepare yourself and do it for you, not in the hope of some recognition or validation, because those two things just won't ever come from her.

Sharing your hurt with and/or confronting your mother is a deeply personal decision, and the answer varies depending on who we are, our trauma, our values and how we deal with conflicts in general...

Whatever your decision, you should take it with only your own good, your own healing at heart.

Just sharing my own discoveries of the past few days and know that I have written at least 5 other letters to my mother that I never sent...!

Like most of us here, you have probably spent your life walking in your mother's shoes... It is such a habit for us... Separation takes time and is really unnatural. Part of me still thinks I went too far and should reach out to her... But I am now aware it is just how she trained me. If what I think of doing is not what I would tell my best friend to do, then I don't do it... (Harder than it sounds, still a work in progress)

Welcome again to the forum !
« Last Edit: May 09, 2022, 12:20:56 PM by Riv3rW0lf » Logged
Mommydoc
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Relationship status: Married
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« Reply #3 on: May 10, 2022, 09:44:40 AM »

Riv3rWOlf
Your wisdom and path are inspiring. Thank you for sharing it with all of us.
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WalkbyFaith
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
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« Reply #4 on: May 10, 2022, 05:30:25 PM »

Welcome to the board; glad you have reached out!

I will share my recent experience... my uBPD mom knows there is conflict between us but claims she doesn't understand why. Our conversations centered around the past, the childhood abuse (mostly her making explanations and rationalizations for it), but I felt like I needed her to understand that it wasn't just the past - there are still hurtful and unhealthy things going on now that make it difficult for me to be around her. So I told her that, as gently as I could.

She wanted to know details. Tell me what you think is unhealthy. You're probably wrong, but you should tell me anyway. We can't solve this if we can't talk about it... etc.

I wrestled a lot with how to move forward. I KNEW she wouldn't take it well, but I also knew that I am literally the ONLY person in her life who will be so brutally honest with her about her issues. My dad and siblings are blind to it, and almost everyone else in her life she has fooled with her good public image or she has eliminated from her life. She has no friends, no community.

So I decided to go ahead, because I felt like I needed to, almost a responsibility. I wrote her a clear, pointed, brief-as-possible email, giving 4 or 5 specific issues in her behavior that were hurtful and/or concerning. Certainly not an exhaustive list of grievances, but basically the top 5.

Over the next days, she wrote me back SEVEN loong emails, gas-lighting and refuting every single thing I said, and in turn throwing a bunch of accusations back at me -- how selfish, judgemental, and unrealistic I am. At that point was when I cut off contact (hopefully temporarily but for now, indefinitely). I told her, "this is not how a healthy person responds to a loved one sharing hurts and concerns." She was not only unwilling to hear me, but also attacked my character (as well as my husband's).

Obviously we can't tell you what to do. But it sounds like you are leaning toward the understanding that a pwBPD just cannot or will not hear our concerns. It may be that, like me, you feel a heavy need to say it anyway, whether for your own healing or in desperate hopes that she might receive it. That's okay. Just know that it's probably not going to be pretty.

Hugs to you. This is a hard place.
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New2BPD19

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Solid relationship until recently when I tried to implement boundaries
Posts: 5


« Reply #5 on: May 11, 2022, 11:40:40 AM »

WalkbyFaith, Riv3rW0lf, and Mommydoc - thank you!

WalkbyFaithy - your experience is very similar to mine.  I relate to your desire for honesty and frankness.  I think the desire stems from genuineness, but also a desire to help and "fix" the pwBPD.  Writing my original post helped me work through the inner conflict with the desire to help and he honest up against the cold reality that our honesty falls on deaf ears. 

There is so much hope in a statement from a pwBPD: "We can't solve this if we can't talk about it."  I so much want that to be THE opening for the complete resolution to the conflict in our relationship.  However, just as you said, and as with me, the honesty is met with blame, accusations, and gaslighting.  Rather than grasp onto the false hope of an open, healthy, conversation, I told her that I have discussed my specific concerns with her behavior in the past and as they arise (admittedly I will need to be addressing them as they arise better) only to be met with blame, accusations, gaslighting, rage and disrespect.  And that inviting me to list the concerns is only an invitation for a negative experience.  I felt that I was able to be honest with my uBPD Mom without really opening myself up to a litany of abuse.   
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Notwendy
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« Reply #6 on: May 11, 2022, 01:50:18 PM »

Talking to my mother about feeling hurt is like peeing into the wind. She flies it all back at you. She is so far in victim mode, she doesn't acknowledge that anyone else is feeling sad, regardless of if she has a part in it or not.

The unfortunate part of this is that - there is no way to repair a relationship or for her to learn from her actions. Talking to her doesn't make a difference. It doesn't change anything.


BPD mother can't connect with the feelings of someone else. She seems to only see hers.

I don't share anything emotional with her. There's just no point.

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Riv3rW0lf
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« Reply #7 on: May 11, 2022, 05:32:37 PM »

Before I cut contact with my mother, I wrote many letters about the current problems, the pattern of behaviors that hurt me... I never sent them because I knew, deep within me, that nothing would change.

I tried often to call her out on her behavior. Depending on the proximity of our relationship at that precise moment, she would either react by saying "ok" (in an effort to keep access to her grandchildren) and then nothing changed or the backlash came later with hurtful baits, or she rages when it is really against her wants.

I decided that nothing in the present could, in the end, explain why I needed to cut contact and decided to use the past to do so. I realized that, for me, trauma from my past is what keeps me from forgiving the pattern of behaviors of the present; it renders me unable to manage it in a healthy way for me.  

I think her BPD did decrease with age to a more manageable level, as my therapist said it is sometimes the case with BPD... But the trauma I carry, the fact she never acknowledges the pain she causes me, on top of what I already carry from her past abuse, and how she requires me to support her, to save her from the drama she creates for herself, asking me to pause my life for her everytime she needs me and then discards me like nothing happened, not even recognizing the help I provided... Her mere presence triggers me into an emotional abyss.

And there is nothing I can do about that except leaving the relationship to keep me from drowning with her.  
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FeelingStuck

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Relationship status: Living on my own but in contact
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« Reply #8 on: May 12, 2022, 02:53:09 PM »

New2BPD19, my opinion is that as long as you are independent of your BPD mom (financially, logistically, emotionally), there is no right or wrong answer to how much you share with her. If you are in a situation where you're living with her or dependent on her for basic needs, then you might want to keep some of these things to yourself to protect yourself from retaliation.

Like you and others have mentioned, it's ill-advised to expect a mature, understanding response from her, because most likely you will be disappointed with the response. But if you feel strongly that you want to make your grievances about her behavior known, why not? My perspective has been that if I don't share my grievances, she can't possibly know what to fix in herself, and then there is no possibility for improvement. If you do share your grievances, then you know you have been brave enough to make your needs known, and given her an opportunity to fix the problem. It puts the ball in her court, and when she fails to improve, then you know she alone is responsible for the relationship breaking down.
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FeelingStuck

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« Reply #9 on: May 12, 2022, 02:56:41 PM »

my uBPD mom knows there is conflict between us but claims she doesn't understand why
...
She wanted to know details. Tell me what you think is unhealthy. You're probably wrong, but you should tell me anyway. We can't solve this if we can't talk about it... etc.

Talking to my mother about feeling hurt is like peeing into the wind. She flies it all back at you.

I share this experience, too. It sucks!
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