How to Stop the Nightmares

[Depression = 72% of members]

Last night I had one of the worst nightmares. The family members and their flying monkeys kept coming after me. No matter how many times, I kicked them out of my house, they just kept coming back. Nobody helped me. The nightmare seemed to be all about the most recent traumatic incidents I have had with the family and their flying monkeys (as they were all in the nightmare): being poorly treated by someone who is marrying into the family for no reason, having my house broken into and the HOA President standing up for the intruder because she is a good employee the HOA cannot afford to lose, having one of the flying monkeys contact me to find out my schedule and whereabouts which I lied about, having the plans I made with the widow of my cousin to contribute flowers to my cousin's funeral suddenly cancelled, etc., I seemed to have a pretty good hold on things, until a friend called me. At the end of a long generally enjoyable phone call I told her my latest hurts. I am beginning to find that I am better off moving on quickly after I am beseiged once again by the family members and their flying monkeys who abuse me. It seems my challenge is not to get overwhelmed and talking about, thinking about the latest abuse for too long just accelerates my feeling depressed and having nightmares. I continue to meditate everyday, exercise, stay positive in talking with others, do things for others, and do the things I enjoy. When I do these things, I am less overwhelmed and less overwhelming to others. I have had terrifying nightmares since I was a small child. After doing years of therapy, the night terrors only happened once in a while. What has helped you to reduce the nightmares?

[zachira]

Last night I had one of the worst nightmares. The family members and their flying monkeys kept coming after me. No matter how many times, I kicked them out of my house, they just kept coming back. Nobody helped me. The nightmare seemed to be all about the most recent traumatic incidents I have had with the family and their flying monkeys (as they were all in the nightmare): being poorly treated by someone who is marrying into the family for no reason, having my house broken into and the HOA President standing up for the intruder because she is a good employee the HOA cannot afford to lose, having one of the flying monkeys contact me to find out my schedule and whereabouts which I lied about, having the plans I made with the widow of my cousin to contribute flowers to my cousin's funeral suddenly cancelled, etc., I seemed to have a pretty good hold on things, until a friend called me. At the end of a long generally enjoyable phone call I told her my latest hurts. I am beginning to find that I am better off moving on quickly after I am beseiged once again by the family members and their flying monkeys who abuse me. It seems my challenge is not to get overwhelmed and talking about, thinking about the latest abuse for too long just accelerates my feeling depressed and having nightmares. I continue to meditate everyday, exercise, stay positive in talking with others, do things for others, and do the things I enjoy. When I do these things, I am less overwhelmed and less overwhelming to others. I have had terrifying nightmares since I was a small child. After doing years of therapy, the night terrors only happened once in a while. What has helped you to reduce the nightmares?

[Riv3rW0lf]

Not sleeping.

I had to make a little joke... Although I really am a poor sleeper now with two young kids.

For a while, I started training myself in lucid dreaming... Interestingly enough, it worked, as long as I kept doing the exercices of asking myself through the day if I was asleep and to train myself, I also had to write down every dreams I could remember, sometimes 3 to 4 per nights.

A lot of them are uncomfortable dreams. But writing them down enabled me to find a meaning in them, and it made them less scary. I saw them for what they are : ways for my unconscious to reach out to my conscious mind, trying to tell me something about what is going on, and I could understand my feelings of the next day better.

I woke up many times in my dreams... Becoming lucid, and I could ask questions to the characters and sometimes would get answers. Sometimes it would be a lucid nightmare, which is awfully scary... But one in particular that I remember was the one which opened my eyes about my mother and how dangerous she is to me.

Writing down my dreams is also how I figured out my father was not a bad person. That he was good enough. My dreams, writing them down, led me to forgiveness, to seeing his faults and accepting him for who he was : imperfect but good enough.

Nightmares feel bad, but in the end, they are often helpful in understanding ourselves better... I think confronting them, writing them down, understanding them is a good way to decrease their frequency... As we process them, they don't need to come back as often. When they do, sometimes I feel is because I missed a subtil thing in them that makes a lot of difference for me.

[zachira]

You gave me some good ideas. I think I need to not let the nightmares have so much power over me, and see them for what they are. I see last night's night terrors as my mind trying to consolidate all the recent traumas, and facing the fact that I need to limit my contact as much as possible with those people who abuse me. I am feeling terrible today, exhausted from a night of horror. I think it could help me to wake up during the nightmare, and do something like watch a movie, and not go back to bed until I am feeling better. I think I spend too much time in overwhelm.

[zachira]

I had another nightmare last night, though not nearly as terrifying as the prior one, and I am fine this morning. I have been thinking about the idea of writing about the nightmares and wondering why I can't. When I first went to therapy, I really loved my family, had no idea of how truly dsyfunctional so many of the relatives were, and was terribly offended when the therapist suggested that my mother was a narcissist. The nightmares are fragmented like trauma narratives, and I am telling myself some of the same old destructive thoughts that make it difficult at times for me to move forward. The theme of the nightmares is almost always that everybody is against me, nobody wants me, and I am all alone. To some degree, this is true though not like before. I have indeed been ostracized by most of the family and the flying monkeys. I am learning how to build a better life, while still working on severing all legal and financial ties with my NPD sister and BPD brother. I feel that I have been so damaged that I am a lifelong student on how to have healthier realtionships with myself and others. I seem to be telling myself in the nightmares that I am unworthy of love and to live in fear. Any suggestions on how to change these destructive narratives so they don't visit me in the wee hours of the morning while I am asleep?

[Riv3rW0lf]

Have you tried meditating or doing yoga just before going to bed?

[Methuen]

I'm sorry to hear about the nightmare clustering happening for you right now.

I've had nightmares too since being a small child.  Violent, terrifying grisly nightmares, and I have never watched scary shows or movies cs I can't handle those images so the nightmares don't come from that.  They come from something else.  I think we can probably all agree where many of our nightmares come from.

In my experience, they come when I am stressed.  They also came when I was pregnant.  They also seem to come in clusters for me.  Once they start, it's a big problem, until it stops.  That's the good news, is eventually they stop, until the next time I am stressed and the cycle starts up again.

I continue to meditate everyday, exercise, stay positive in talking with others, do things for others, and do the things I enjoy.

By already doing this, you are doing all the right things.  I once went a for a full two week spell of not being able to sleep - it just about wrecked me.  I researched and researched, and tried all of the following:

- drinking hot milk before bed (releases melatonin)
- moderate to intense physical activity during the day
- read a good book before bed (gives the brain something else to think about?)
- wear socks to bed!
- cool room temperature
- darkened room (no extraneous light sources)
- no screen time within 2 hours of bed
- a hot bath 1 hr before bed
- progressive muscle relaxation exercise
- go to bed at the same time every day, and wake up at about the same time (routine)
- get a new mattress
- avoid alcohol (during nightmare clusters)
- get up and walk around, read until sleepy
- turn a heating pad on low and leave it on under the blanket (it shuts off automatically).  (There is something magical about low heat that is relaxing for me)
- focus on my breath

When I've exhausted all of that and I'm still having the grisly terrifying nightmares, I give up, and go on my phone.  Every sleep therapist would probably say "don't".  But at that point, I do whatever works, and for me, going on my phone distracts my brain enough to cut the problem circuit that's overactive.  Sometimes it's 20 min, at the worst it's over 2 hours.  Eventually when I feel myself getting sleepy, I put the phone down, and let myself drift off.  The trick is to recognize when the phone isn't needed as intervention any more, and let healthy sleep habits take over.

The last cycle lasted for "months".  It was bad.  It was peaking around the time my mother raged at me for going back to work from retirement (which I was motivated to do because it set up such a beautiful natural time and space boundary with her).  Remarkably, since I have reduced my contact with her (once a week with H beside me), I haven't had the nightmares for quite a long spell now.  I am once again sleeping, often without even waking up once during the night.  This is incredible for me - because I'm a truly lousy sleeper.  Regular physical activity  also really helps (but not within 2 hours of bedtime).

So all the things in my above list are really bandaids.  The trick Zachira, is probably to expedite and extricate yourself from financial involvements with your dysfunctional family.  Once that is behind you, I'll bet your nightmares improve.    Meanwhile, hopefully some other things help, until the cycle dissipates, and you return to better sleeps.  

[Riv3rW0lf]

I've had another idea... it might sounds silly but indulge me.

When I was young, I had lots of nightmares, insomnia. As a teenager too, tons. I still have them, but I think I unconsciously desensitize myself by watching horror movies?

My husband does not understand me. But I love horror movies. Not the disgusting ones like Saw, but more the mind blowing, scary, spirit and ghost ones. And the more I feel scared the better.

And now, when I have nightmares... I know I've had them, but I am not as uncomfortable as I used too somehow... Part of me now even enjoy them? Like, giving me so much scare and pain that was not about me, I desensitized myself a little bit, and I enjoy the thrill a bit more... Trying to see them like movies...

Sometimes, the best way to decrease something can also be to go all in.

Just brainstorming of course...

It might not apply. Mine were more about being trapped, someone running after me and I couldn't hide. So now I see those as yet another movie horror thrill.

[zachira]

Riv3rW0lf,
I have been doing meditation and yoga in the evening on most days, though some days more than others. When I do it for an hour or so, I sleep much better, so I think making an effort to spend more time on this, not just a few minutes like I do on some evenings is not enough.
I avoid horror movies.

[zachira]

Methuen,
Your list is really helpful and I am going to try to do many of the things you are suggesting. I am sorry you have had nightmares. I believe you are correct about sometimes we have to just do something to distract ourselves, for the length of time it takes to be ready to go back to sleep.
Today I had a long talk with one of my distant cousins who is kind and generous. She is no longer urging me to have contact with the abusive family members and seems to be accepting that I will no longer be going to family gatherings, and that I will remain in contact with the family members who do treat me well. Going no contact with most of the family has been stressful and very scary, as I am the first member of six generations of scapegoats to set the boundary that I will no longer put myself in a position to be abused by going to family gatherings.

[Mommydoc]

Zachira, your nightmares sound horrible. Sleep is incredibly important and frequently reflects what we are dealing with during the day. I don’t experience the same vividness of nightmares you describe, but have had significant sleep disruptions recently as I process conflict with my sister, which also leaves me exhausted. 

I see last night's night terrors as my mind trying to consolidate all the recent traumas, and facing the fact that I need to limit my contact as much as possible with those people who abuse me. I am feeling terrible today, exhausted from a night of horror….I think I spend too much time in overwhelm.

What you have experienced is overwhelming, and your brain and body is trying to process lot of thoughts and feelings. You have a great insight about “consolidating” the traumas.  I have found that taking intentional steps (using many tactics in Methuen’s list) to prioritize and improve my sleep helps. I also try to work through the stressors through my therapist, reading and posting here, and thoughtful conversation with friends and family I trust.

I think anyone in your situation would be overwhelmed.  I find being overwhelmed disabling for me, as it hampers my ability to process and work through things, and even to take positive actions  to improve my situation, then sleep gets impacted.  I get overwhelmed not infrequently.

I was introduced to the “thought download method” which is based on the idea that our thoughts create our feelings. And we have control over our thinking  and actions but not always over our circumstances. It helps me when I feel overwhelmed. You can google it  and find more details, but for me it looks like this. First, I have to recognize I am overwhelmed (that can  be the hardest part, as I often don’t recognize that until I am melting down). Next is to list  the neutral facts. ( this is hard) By listing the circumstances as neutral facts, I can then examine my thoughts about those facts, then the feelings I have. Feelings cause actions and Actions cause results. Once I have separated neutral facts, from thoughts, from feelings, from actions, I can then work backwards to get the result I want. When I use this when I get overwhelmed, it’s 
- what is the circumstance as neutral facts?
-what is the result I want? Not be overwhelmed
-what actions do I need to take or actions I need to stop?break down all the stressors, take action on one/list actions I can take
-how do I need to feel? confident and in control of my circumstance
- what thoughts would help me feel that way? I deserve to feel confident and worthy

I guess it is a bit of a mind game with myself, but when I let go of everyone else’s expectations and thoughts about me and focus on the thoughts I need to have to empower my self to take concrete actions, then take those actions, the overwhelm dissolves.Last week, engaging the lawyers, the financial advisor, the facility director and the ombudsman made me feel less overwhelmed about my circumstances.

It seems like  you have already done this. You know the action you need to take is no contact. You know that you need to feel that “you deserve not to be abused”. What thoughts do you need to have to reinforce that feeling?

You need to separate it all out for yourself, but some of the thoughts I hear in your posts are “it’s going to be hard, but I choose to be the first person in 6 generations of scapegoats to set healthy boundaries. I am not going to give my nightmares/ the flying monkeys power. I choose myself”

Wishing you improved and restful sleep my friend. You are on the right path. Keep choosing you.

[zachira]

All your replies are so helpful. Methuen is right that all the suggestions for getting a good night's sleep are just bandaids until I am finely free of all the financial and legal obligations with my siblings and their flying monkeys. Mommydoc's understanding about how I am overwhelmed brought tears to my eyes. I have looked into the "thought download method", and I am going to try it. I have thought more about Riv3rW0lf's idea of watching horror movies, and I have decided I need to be doing more challenging things that I enjoy.
Yesterday I meditated and tried to move as many parts of my body as possible. Last night, I woke up, could not sleep, got out bed and got on my computer, until I was tired enough to go back to sleep. It worked better than trying to force myself to sleep. This morning I don't seem to be able to stop crying. I realize that I have so many lifelong losses and emotional pain that I need to cry deeply as often and as much as I need to. The last few weeks have been particularly difficult as more family members and flying monkeys who I have to deal with for financial and legal reasons have come after me which hurts me to my very core. Though I understand the psychology behind their hatred of me, which is really about their dislike of themselves, I still feel wounded. It seems like I can never get ahead without another extinction burst from my tormentors around the corner.
I am going to try to do the following every day: 1) Get up when my alarm goes off, which I have been doing for a couple of months now. This prevents me from sleeping late, feeling depressed, and getting nothing done, and having some time to do things I really enjoy. 2) Keep improving my diet, which I am doing gradually, adding healthier foods while not beating myself up for craving sweets and still eating them. 3) Do at least an hour of meditation a day and move as many parts of my body as I can. My body is so shut down since birth when I was left in the crib all day as a baby, having to deal with my feelings on my own. I now need to feel the feelings that moving my body will allow, which means doing a lot of deep crying. Deep crying brings great relief and I need to do more of it. 4) Continue to work on surrounding myself with people who are kind and caring. I have asthma and high risk for COVID, and I have been very isolated since the pandemic began. I no longer get massages, go out to indoor activities with friends. I see most people on my daily walk in the park and am in contact with distant friends by phone and email. 4) Continue to accept the losses as they come up, and there are many. I am so overwhelmed by the extinction bursts of so many people who I have to deal with. I need to go low contact as much as possible with them while moving forward in going no contact with most of them when the financial and legal issues are resolved, while choosing which boundaries I am going to really stick with. I can't keep letting them dump their toxic feelins onto me. 5) Do at least one thing every day that moves me closer to ending the financial and legal ties with my tormentors, which is a large circle, not just my siblings. 6) Find some way to give myself credit for how I am moving forward, and stop feeling like I am getting further and further behind in ending the lifelong nightmare of having financial and legal ties to people who abuse me. 7) Look for ways to be kind and generous to others. I received a really kind letter which I have kept from a woman I mailed her driver's license to that I found in the park. It gives me great joy to help others who appreciate it, and not to be so focused on my problems.
Thank you for your replies and thoughts. You are so caring and kind. I keep learning from you and always appreciate your thoughts.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Yesterday I meditated and tried to move as many parts of my body as possible. Last night, I woke up, could not sleep, got out bed and got on my computer, until I was tired enough to go back to sleep. It worked better than trying to force myself to sleep. This morning I don't seem to be able to stop crying. I realize that I have so many lifelong losses and emotional pain that I need to cry deeply as often and as much as I need to.

Crying can be so very healing. I am sorry to see you go through so much grief and sadness, but crying means you are not fleeing from it. You are acknowledging it and validating it. You are doing everything in your power to heal yourself, and your future you will thank you for it. I support you, wholeheartedly, in your healing journey.

I feel so much anger when I read about your family and the flying monkeys not leaving you alone, almost taking pleasure in your pain and sorrow. When I have issues with someone, my husband always tells me to just don't care. Like this is possible for some people? It seems like some people can just shut it off whenever they want, that is what he says anyway... But like you, I struggle to maintain my calm and peace when being treated with disrespect, when I am being invalidated. For me, the usual reaction is rage and anger, camouflaging a deep pain... I cannot seem to get past this anger, it is a protective layer... So in a way, I envy your crying, it means you have contacted your inner child, crying with her.

My therapist told me that cries of sadness are chemically different than cries of happiness. For him it means something is going away with each tears, something is being freed. You are freeing yourself Zachira.  One legal paperwork at a time, and also one tear at a time.  

1) Get up when my alarm goes off, which I have been doing for a couple of months now. This prevents me from sleeping late, feeling depressed, and getting nothing done, and having some time to do things I really enjoy. 2) Keep improving my diet, which I am doing gradually, adding healthier foods while not beating myself up for craving sweets and still eating them. 3) Do at least an hour of meditation a day and move as many parts of my body as I can. My body is so shut down since birth when I was left in the crib all day as a baby, having to deal with my feelings on my own. I now need to feel the feelings that moving my body will allow, which means doing a lot of deep crying. Deep crying brings great relief and I need to do more of it. 4) Continue to work on surrounding myself with people who are kind and caring. I have asthma and high risk for COVID, and I have been very isolated since the pandemic began. I no longer get massages, go out to indoor activities with friends. I see most people on my daily walk in the park and am in contact with distant friends by phone and email. 4) Continue to accept the losses as they come up, and there are many. I am so overwhelmed by the extinction bursts of so many people who I have to deal with. I need to go low contact as much as possible with them while moving forward in going no contact with most of them when the financial and legal issues are resolved, while choosing which boundaries I am going to really stick with. I can't keep letting them dump their toxic feelings onto me. 5) Do at least one thing every day that moves me closer to ending the financial and legal ties with my tormentors, which is a large circle, not just my siblings. 6) Find some way to give myself credit for how I am moving forward, and stop feeling like I am getting further and further behind in ending the lifelong nightmare of having financial and legal ties to people who abuse me. 7) Look for ways to be kind and generous to others. I received a really kind letter which I have kept from a woman I mailed her driver's license to that I found in the park. It gives me great joy to help others who appreciate it, and not to be so focused on my problems.

It sounds like you are giving yourself the self-care you deserve, and taking care of little Zachira.

I support you in your journey.

[Methuen]

I think all of us here will be jumping for joy for you when you finally cut yourself loose of family financially, and can move on with your life without having to look over your shoulder or on the horizon for the next attack of flying monkeys.

You have a solid plan in place Zachira.  About the massage therapist - I see a massage therapist for my back.  I have been diligent about masking to protect my uBPD mom.  At this stage for her Covid would be very dangerous, so I wear a mask everywhere, simply because I don't want to be the reason she gets Covid.  I go to a clinic that still requests clients to wear masks, so there is a solid philosophy around protecting self and others.  During the massage when I am face down, I pull the mask below my chin.  When I flip over, I pull the mask up.  The massage therapist wears a mask too.  Would you be comfortable going back to massage if you could find a therapist/clinic that supports masking?  I'll bet a good massage would release a lot of stored up toxins right now.  

Another self care idea is one I picked up from NotWendy!  Epsom Salt bath!  I use lavender.  I went through a bad spell in January around the time I went back to work, and despite doing better now with lower contact, I have kept up with the Epsom Salt baths.  One hour before bedtime is ideal.

Is there also a plan for untangling yourself from the nasty family members that make you so miserable?  Your self care plan is great, but I wonder if you can add the steps to that plan, which are needed to remove yourself from the family that makes you feel like this?  I reallize there are property entanglements, but are there things you can do to untangle yourself from these people?

Meanwhile, keep reaching out and staying in contact with the people who treat you kindly.  We're thinking about you, and cheering you on.

[zachira]

Riv3rWOlf,
Thank you for understanding about crying.
Methuen,
Yes, I need to go back to getting massages.

Yesterday I had some really extensive contact with the flying monkeys from two online events I needed to attend. I was treated with kindness and decency. What a surprise! It seems that the more I value myself and make it clear I will not put up with any more abuse and I tell my side of the story, that the flying monkeys who are more innocently recruited are more able to be decent. The flying monkeys who are narcissists themselves are the ones who fear being exposed and will always be smearing me and the scapegoats they need, to avoid facing how they really feel about themselves. Last night I had the most restful night of sleep I have had in a long time. I realize the heartbreak of losing nearly everybody who had been a big part of my life and starting over has left me so heartbroken and frozen in fear the last few months that I have been having considerable difficulty a lot of the time putting one foot in front of the other. I will always have to have strict boundaries with my abusers. I have a lot of work to do on building my self esteem and going forward. I am reading "Adult Survivors of Toxic Family Members: tools to maintain boundaries, deal with criticism and heal from shame after ties have been cut" by Sherrie Campbell, and it is the only book I have read that really gives me the tools to deal with the lifelong pain of having to cut ties with so many members of my family and the other narcissists. As always, I appreciate your support and kindness.

[Mommydoc]

Zachira, your post made me so happy. I am so glad that you were treated with the kindness you deserve. 

It seems that the more I value myself and make it clear I will not put up with any more abuse and I tell my side of the story, that the flying monkeys who are more innocently recruited are more able to be decent.

And equally, thrilled to know you got some restful sleep. It is so encouraging to witness your bravery and courage. It inspires me more than you can know, given the similarities in our situation. Wishing you continued progress and peace.

[zachira]

Mommydoc,
Thank you for your kind and generous reply. I feel you understand a lot of what I am dealing with.

Last night I had the strangest dream which was not a nightmare. I dreamed that my aunt who was married to my mother's brother and who was a terrible alcoholic, was a different person. I went to visit her, she was kind to me, and I felt affection for her, actually lovingly patting her on the back. I never had any attachment to this aunt, saw her about once a year. She never made any effort to interact with me.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I read a lot about dreams back when I was training myself in lucid dreaming and I do still see them as messages from our unconscious, either trying to inform us of something or trying to soothe our pain and hurt to help prepare us for the next day or even to give us a fighting chance by angering us too.

How did you feel upon waking up from this strange dream?

[zachira]

I felt good when I awoke from this dream.