Accusations, seashells, God, etc

[Depression = 72% of members]

I went through all the correspondence with my mother since January (when things exploded again) and made a list of all the accusations she made against me. It is TWO FULL TYPED PAGES.

Before you think I'm crazy for doing this to myself-- I did it because I needed to see JUST the accusations, separated out from the rest of the rambling mess of words, so I could process through them and see if there was any truth there, anything I needed to change.

Anyway, I haven't actually gotten to a mental/emotional place yet to do the actual processing, but just typing them all out reminded me why I cut contact! I feel so angry and misunderstood and betrayed.

On top of that, I went to my mom's facebook page just now (I unfollowed her but remained friends). She posts/overshares a lot of personal stuff on facebook, and we have a lot of mutual friends, so I have been slightly anxious about what she might post about this conflict. So far nothing except vague references to "having a rough week" or "recent heartbreak." Keep in mind my mom is also very religious. When I checked today, she had posted this whole thing about how God had given her some beautiful seashells when she was at the beach, and in that, God had reminded her that "other people's perceptions" of her were not how God sees her.

Ugh.

I really think she has created her version of God in her mind to be a soother / enabler just like my dad and siblings are to her.

There is really no point to this post, I guess, except venting. I'm just feeling so angry and confused today.

[WalkbyFaith]

I went through all the correspondence with my mother since January (when things exploded again) and made a list of all the accusations she made against me. It is TWO FULL TYPED PAGES.

Before you think I'm crazy for doing this to myself-- I did it because I needed to see JUST the accusations, separated out from the rest of the rambling mess of words, so I could process through them and see if there was any truth there, anything I needed to change.

Anyway, I haven't actually gotten to a mental/emotional place yet to do the actual processing, but just typing them all out reminded me why I cut contact! I feel so angry and misunderstood and betrayed.

On top of that, I went to my mom's facebook page just now (I unfollowed her but remained friends). She posts/overshares a lot of personal stuff on facebook, and we have a lot of mutual friends, so I have been slightly anxious about what she might post about this conflict. So far nothing except vague references to "having a rough week" or "recent heartbreak." Keep in mind my mom is also very religious. When I checked today, she had posted this whole thing about how God had given her some beautiful seashells when she was at the beach, and in that, God had reminded her that "other people's perceptions" of her were not how God sees her.

Ugh.

I really think she has created her version of God in her mind to be a soother / enabler just like my dad and siblings are to her.

There is really no point to this post, I guess, except venting. I'm just feeling so angry and confused today.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I get it. I've been in the confused, rageful mood myself for a few days now...

While I understand what you are trying to do with your list, won't it just trigger your anger and pain even more? Instead of reading through her accusations, maybe it would be better to ask someone who loves you and understands you what they think you could work on to become a better person? Accusations born out of rage and emotional manipulations... I just worry that it will just erode your self esteem, somehow? Make you doubt yourself? Make you believe you are some of those things, when you might actually not be? Like a way to torture yourself, repeat your own trauma... I've done it, I am guilty of torturing myself with heavy critics that are often unwarranted and not needed...

I decided today that I would actively try to steer clear of any thoughts of my mother. I don't want to hear about her, what she is doing and I deleted all our conversations and emails...

She has taken enough of my energy. I need the rest of it for me to heal now.

I am tired of being angry. I am beyond tired. I am exhausted. And my mother makes me angry. So I need to take my mother out of my mind.

[HappyChappy]

I went through all the correspondence with my mother since January (when things exploded again) and made a list of all the accusations she made against me. It is TWO FULL TYPED PAGES.

Before you think I'm crazy...

Welcome to our family, you're not crazy making a list is actually quiet helpful. It acknowledges what your mum has done, because I'm guessing she doesn't. We need to feel heard, we don't want them to get away with their false accusations. So quiet the opposite to crazy, a health coping mechanism. The next step is to work towards letting go of that anger and frustration and move toward acceptance. I burn my list when I felt I'd got to that point.

...mon's facebook page just now (I unfollowed her but remained friends)

... "other people's perceptions" of her were not how God sees her.

...There is really no point to this post, I guess, except venting. I'm just feeling so angry and confused today.

...I really think she has created her version of God in her mind to be a soother

There is a point to venting on here, because it's only human to need that when dealing with the behaviour you describe and here is a safe place to do it. Worst place is with our BPD, they create drama triangles. But I'm guessing you know all this as you've switched her facebook off (good move).

I'd agree with you, your mother probably has created her version of God as a soother. People with BPD are on the "Borderline" because they get glimpses of their true self, but the shame of that can destroy them, hence why they may self harm and other unhealthy coping mechanism. Hence collecting sea shells and believing someone on a cloud loves her as he loves everyone, is a healthier approach for her (although I get how annoying it is for you).

But feel free to come here and vent any time you want    it's healthy and I'm guessing if you vented with your mum, she'd find another sign from above (maybe a sign from the American President ) that confirmed you where wrong.  

[Mommydoc]

Your post totally resonated me WalkbyFaith. I also think the list is healthy. I agree with burning it or something equally ceremonial to release/reject it.

I really think she has created her version of God in her mind to be a soother / enabler just like my dad and siblings are to her.

My sister does the same! A lot of my sisters  “religious” posts are manipulative, and a way to justify her bad behavior. Beyond that, she uses Facebook to create an embellished version of her life. I just ignore it, as it is not authentic or genuine. 

  collecting sea shells and believing someone on a cloud loves her as he loves everyone, is a healthier approach for her (although I get how annoying it is for you).

I agree with HappyChappy, though annoying, there are a lot more destructive coping mechanisms pwBPD enagage in, so I would stop looking at Facebook ( which is what she wants) and let her self soothe any way that keeps you out if it.