Big move - how will she react

[WalkbyFaith]

My husband, child, and I are going to be making a big move next year (to another country). The people closest to us already know, but we're getting ready to make the announcement / make it public. Meaning, my ubpd mom and the rest of my family will find out.

Normally, my family has always been on that list of "people we tell personally about the big stuff before making it public" (doesn't everyone have one of those lists? haha) But since we've been in one big conflict with them since January and pretty much cut contact a few weeks ago, we haven't told them about this, obviously.

I'm so anxious about making this news public, and it's partially because I'm nervous about the move/change, and also because I dread how my mom is going to react. She might keep her silence and honor the NC I requested...but she also might not. I'm not sure what to expect. For sure she is going to want to see us (well, see my son) before we move, and probably be upset that we are "taking him away from her."

I'm trying to mentally prep and calm my emotions. It's hard to let myself be excited about this change and ready for others to be excited for us when I'm just worried about what she might think or say.

[Riv3rW0lf]

This is huge ! Congratulations ! Moving to another country is a big move, part of you must be excited ?

I understand another part of you feels maybe guilty or scared of your mother's reaction. No contact or not, all those feelings were engrained into us from such an early age, a clean/clear cut just isn't possible this early in the no contact stage...

Today, I successfully had a great day with my children. And the better I felt, the more I kept thinking maybe I imagined all of it? Maybe she is not so bad. It's almost like part of me feels guilty that I am doing well despite the no contact, and this part makes me doubt my decision... "You are feeling good and moving on with your life, clearly your mother is probably not that bad! She didn't deserve to be treated this way!" ...crazy how I internalized all of her reactions... I do not even need her to destroy my happiness, I can now do it on my very own ! ;)

Can you recognize this part in yourself? Your internalized mother? Do you know how to shut it down? I am personnally still working on it, but I figure this is what we have to do : shut it off and enjoy our lives, with peace of mind.

Congratulations on your big move ! This is all very exciting 

[WalkbyFaith]

Thanks, Riverwolf, for your reply. Yes, I know what you mean. Even when I am not in contact with her, it seems like hers is a constant underlying voice or influence in my head.

We announced our move, and have had positive response from others, but silence from my family. I have felt a lot of anxiety in the past two days -- what are they thinking? what are they saying? how will they twist this to fit into their story about me?

And I told my husband this morning, I don't know which is worse - if they say something or if they don't. On the one hand, it's a huge, exciting life change, and it's hurtful for my parents to not even acknowledge it. But on the other hand, I'm the one who told them I was done talking with them ... and it's not likely that anything they would say would be positive.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi WalkbyFaith,

Did your family decide to reach out? If not, are you feeling more at peace with their silence?

I think you are absolutely right in saying that they would likely only have negative things to say ..  moving away ... It is abandonment, your mother would not like it.

Within their silence, I just wanted to make sure you were not "speaking for her in your head", that you are able to enjoy your decision, and live the excitement...

 

[Methuen]

First of all, congratulations!  What an exciting adventure! 

With a decision like this, there is lots to think about logistically, with the move, finding a place to live, etc., but these can all be embraced as new and exciting opportunities With any change, it is normal to have a level of nervousness.  Adding the move away from a BPD mother into the mix, takes it to a whole other level.

I'm trying to mentally prep and calm my emotions. It's hard to let myself be excited about this change and ready for others to be excited for us when I'm just worried about what she might think or say.

Yes.  How are you doing?