New to the group- thanks for having me

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My sister has BPD and things are really escalating (or deteriorating!). She lives 5 hours away and i am her only “person” since she continues to drive people away when they don’t meet her expectations or her needs, which I know is like using a medicine dropper to fill the oceans (good example from “Stop Walking on eggshells”.  My parents are gone, I’m happily married and blessed with amazing friends as well, but not many understand this.

Her behavior is becoming more volatile and the text messages i get are the length of 2-3 iPhone 12s. She talks to text and rants about everything then lays on the guilt and pity party. I’m pretty sure she is using again (alcohol/drugs) which doesn’t help!  When i respond to her (i try not to every time but feel bad when i don’t), i try to mirror back rather than solve or offer advice.
NOTHING i do helps. And from what I’m reading not much will. She refuses to see herself as a common denominator in failed or troubled relationships.  I love and care for her and worked a long time on my boundaries but the game keeps changing. I’m so sad to see her struggle so much - it is so painful and impacting my life.

I hate she puts so much anger toward me - I’m sad, anxious, exhausted and live in fear of her next text/outburst. I’m feeling helpless and hopeless.

[SadSis22]

My sister has BPD and things are really escalating (or deteriorating!). She lives 5 hours away and i am her only “person” since she continues to drive people away when they don’t meet her expectations or her needs, which I know is like using a medicine dropper to fill the oceans (good example from “Stop Walking on eggshells”.  My parents are gone, I’m happily married and blessed with amazing friends as well, but not many understand this.

Her behavior is becoming more volatile and the text messages i get are the length of 2-3 iPhone 12s. She talks to text and rants about everything then lays on the guilt and pity party. I’m pretty sure she is using again (alcohol/drugs) which doesn’t help!  When i respond to her (i try not to every time but feel bad when i don’t), i try to mirror back rather than solve or offer advice.
NOTHING i do helps. And from what I’m reading not much will. She refuses to see herself as a common denominator in failed or troubled relationships.  I love and care for her and worked a long time on my boundaries but the game keeps changing. I’m so sad to see her struggle so much - it is so painful and impacting my life.

I hate she puts so much anger toward me - I’m sad, anxious, exhausted and live in fear of her next text/outburst. I’m feeling helpless and hopeless.

[Mommydoc]

Sadsis22, welcome to this board. I have found it to be a place to learn, vent and get advice. It’s true that a lot of people don’t understand borderlines (or recognize them). I am so sorry that you are feeling tired and hopeless. We have a shared experience here and can understand and relate to your feelings.

She talks to text and rants about everything then lays on the guilt and pity party…She refuses to see herself as a common denominator in failed or troubled relationships.  I love and care for her and worked a long time on my boundaries but the game keeps changing. I’m so sad to see her struggle so much - it is so painful and impacting my life. I hate she puts so much anger on me.

Loving and caring about some wBPD is so hard. Witnessing the suffering, enduring the rants and anger, while setting boundaries when the issue continually changes. I can hear your deep caring for your sister and desire to help her. Like you, I love my sister and see/feel her pain. I am also no longer willing to be her punching bag however.

One of the things I learned here, is that my prior attempts to appease or help her, only inflamed things and just as we need space, she may also need space. We have to stop taking responsibility for soothing our pwBPD, and allow them to self soothe. Even with your parents gone, it’s not your job to calm her. Going low or no contact sometimes helps. When things got really bad, my husband and son blocked my sister’s  number on my phone and screened my messages on my iPad. My therapist has encouraged me to briefly acknowledge positive or neutral texts, but to wait 24-48 hours to respond to toxic text or email rants with a BIFF response. I encourage you to read some of the communication content on this board. The truth is she is going to dysregulate. It’s often impossible to identify the trigger or prevent. In my case, my fathers death and my mothers medical problems have resulted in a new level of dysfunction and our relationship is close to destroyed.

I am glad you have a supportive spouse and friends. Lean on them for support, come here to learn and relate, and invest in your own self care. I have had a horrific week with my sister and am just trying to refocus on my own physical and  emotional needs. Wishing you peace.

[Channing]

Hi Sadsis22, I am so sorry you are going through this with your sister. You will find a lot of support and good advice on this board. I was also the "person" for one of my BPD sisters for many years and like yours, she regularly blew up my phone with ugly rants and accusations. It is so hard to hear that kind of abuse from a relative when you are spending so much time and emotional energy trying to help her. Your analogy about the eye-dropper and the ocean was perfect.

These relationships are such enormous time and energy drains that you can end up without a support system of your own. The mantra on this board is "take care of yourself" -- that is so hard to do when the BPD loved one is so needy. I hope it helps you to have a place here to talk about the feelings that arise for you and how to cope with them.

[livednlearned]

Sadsis22, I think the dual diagnosis of BPD plus substance abuse is like gas and flame, making things so much worse. Part of that awfulness is that they may not remember clearly while those of us on the receiving end are reeling from the shock and awe. I remember reading a woman with BPD say how it was like returning to a house on fire wondering what happened, only to be told she was the one who set it on fire. I don’t know if that’s true of all people with BPD but if you are repeatedly putting out flames that becomes the main task: keeping yourself safe.

Some family members treat the extremes by taking extreme measures, including having a phone number for only that family member. But you have to manage the feelings that come up when you do not engage, even to check messages. And that can be challenging to say the least.

[wantmorepeace]

Like the others, I both feel for you and resonate with much of what you are saying.   They have offered good advice.  A couple of things I would like to add: 1) I often find that my PWB calms down and even stops thinking about whatever happened between us while I am still reeling from the interaction.  Remembering this seems to help me calm down too.  2) I can wish her feelings didn't cause so much turmoil in me but I can't tell her what to feel.