Husband broke up with me during a split (advise needed)

[bluebutterflies]

I just googled something like "Need to talk to someone now" and Trevor Project came up. I was so emotional I didn't read the description. They said that they are here for me and I am welcome to call back again though. Not sure if I will, I don't want to take up space from others in the LGBTQIA+ community. I am also bisexual but I just chose straight as it wasn't an option.

Agreed that staying home wouldn't have done much. I'm torturing myself thinking about the "what-if's" so I know I must stop. I am so mad, so sad, so hurt. I'm especially scared that these 4.5 years that we spent together, such a beautiful and special connection, will be over. But I know I need to face that fear.

Though I know I can't do anything until I am back and start to pack, my anxiety is just through the roof. So I will try to self soothe and get out of the hostel. I still will not respond right now.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bluebutterflies]

And while earlier I had decided on staying, before his follow up, I am guessing that now it may better to do as he says. I still struggle with this because it feels like by doing what he requests, he is controlling me. Yet at the same time, he needs to learn the consequences of his actions. Yet, it can turn into a cycle because I will just do what is asked.

Either way I won't know until I get back but I am just mentally prepping myself.

[Notwendy]

I am glad they (Trevor Project) were there for you! I think if they said to call if you need to then, it's fine. I just got a bit confused as I know they are founded to help with LGBTQ concerns but it seems they are there for anyone to call if needed and want to help.

Take care of yourself. Understandably, you have invested a lot in this relationship. The other part is on him, he needs to be invested as well. You are worth the investment - on his part- too. Hopefully these are just empty threats on his part, you will see in a few days.

[60av8tor]

(Emotional post) He messaged me. He said "You have 4 days to pack your PLEASE READ when you get back. That should be more than enough."

I am so heartbroken. He's never really responded to me during a split so I don't know...I'm so upset. I was just feeling so much better. No need to respond to this, just updating. I haven't done anything back, no calling him etc.

Reading through this thread and I’m sorry you’re going through all this. I’m in a similar scenario with my wife - 4.5 years together, just under 3 married. She split, filed for divorce, and a protective order several months ago. A few of your experiences/comments that struck me:

- he wants you to move out, but actually doesn’t - so many things in these relationships is damned if you do, damned if you don’t. So many lose-lose propositions, especially during spirals

- can’t understand how he can just split. This was what made things emotionally devastating for me. My brain doesn’t work this way. It got easier when I stopped looking at her behavior through my non-BPD lense. Until that point many things make NO sense.

- broke up with ex days before your relationship. Even though my wife said it had been a long time since she was in a previous relationship, it always felt like she was coming out of a bad relationship when we met (comments, behaviors, etc). She always denied it. I’m hindsight I am 150% convinced I was someone’s immediate replacement.

This disorder is sad, frustrating, defeating, etc. I’m learning that some of my reactions definitely exacerbated the situation, but at the end of the day, the energy I expended trying to appease my “honey-badger” (a term of endearment we both used) is WAY beyond the energy required in a “normal” relationship.

[Cat Familiar]

*Honey badger*    I guess your subconscious had a good idea of what you were in for!

[bluebutterflies]

Yes 60av8tor I relate to everything you write. And now I'm truly able to see him for who he is, a man with Bpd, whereas before I would constantly separate the BPD from him. Whatever happens, happens. I cannot control his actions. I have enough self respect to now know what I deserve. That being said, I will still try to better this relationship, only if he chooses to do so as well.

I responded to him and said "Yes, 4 days from when I get back is enough. I do not want to move out but I will do as you wish." I then restricted his messages so that I must actively search to see if he responds. This way I am ready.

He responded and said "I don't give a PLEASE READ". I said "Okay I will do so then, since that is what you want." He said "F*cking fantastic!"  

I recognise he is still raging in his split (he's only said "f*cking fantastic" once ever in a split too). But I am giving him nothing emotional to feed off of. I'm not crying anymore, I'm able to read his responses as reactions. This feels better.

[60av8tor]

*Honey badger*    I guess your subconscious had a good idea of what you were in for!

Ha ha - yes, she coined the name for herself first. I even bought her a honey badger t-shirt. If I only knew…

[60av8tor]

Yes 60av8tor I relate to everything you write. And now I'm truly able to see him for who he is, a man with Bpd, whereas before I would constantly separate the BPD from him. Whatever happens, happens. I cannot control his actions. I have enough self respect to now know what I deserve. That being said, I will still try to better this relationship, only if he chooses to do so as well.

I responded to him and said "Yes, 4 days from when I get back is enough. I do not want to move out but I will do as you wish." I then restricted his messages so that I must actively search to see if he responds. This way I am ready.

He responded and said "I don't give a PLEASE READ". I said "Okay I will do so then, since that is what you want." He said "F*cking fantastic!"  

I recognise he is still raging in his split (he's only said "f*cking fantastic" once ever in a split too). But I am giving him nothing emotional to feed off of. I'm not crying anymore, I'm able to read his responses as reactions. This feels better.

Sounds like you’re gaining some clarity and going about things in a safe, logical way. Glad to hear it

[bluebutterflies]

I am gaining clarity but now I've woken up to him un-friending me on Facebook. That is where we mainly communicate. I can still message him though. He also changed his profile photo and cover photo to all black. This is extremely abnormal and I'm a bit worried.

I really don't want to be here anymore. I want to deal with the situation face to face. Five more full days alone is too long. I'm considering going back early but I don't know as Notwendy you suggest not to. But I don't know if I can bear any of this anymore.

[bluebutterflies]

Never mind I cannot fly back early. Sorry y'all I'm just being emotional

[Notwendy]

No need to apologize. This is tough.

Please consider some ideas-

One is that this is him projecting feelings, "punishing" you for asserting yourself. Maybe he means it, maybe not, but he's acting out on you holding a boundary, similar to a kid who asks for a cookie for dinner. The parent says no, the child has a tantrum- screams "I hate you" to the parent.

Another is his capacity for relationship stability. Every relationship has conflicts. Looking at his past relationships- is his way of dealing with conflict to discard them? You mentioned he has done this in the past. How capable is he of maintaining a long term situation living with someone? ( you may not have the answer to this).

While you wish this situation didn't play out like this- one thing to consider is- this is one conflict of what is inevitable some conflicts or stressors in any relationship. When someone commits to marriage, this means both people are committed to working these things out ( unless of course they are major ones such as abuse, addiction, infidelity- those things can be a deal breaker for marriages)- conflicts like not being ready for a trip and the other one going are not major deal breakers in general.

However, each person has his or her own deal breakers. For instance, infidelity may be grounds to end a marriage for one person, but not another. If you leaving on this trip is his deal breaker, how stable is the marriage? How much do you need to go along with what he wants for the marriage to be stable?

These are open ended questions. 

[bluebutterflies]

I responded with: Just know that I deeply love and care for you. Always (I was trying to be empathetic)
Him: That means nothing to me. You ruined that
Him (15 mins later): Anyways you’re one to f*cking talk, flying out to vacation instead of mending our marriage. Real classy
Him: Then trying to take a moral high ground like you’re some f*cking innocent Virgin Mary. F*ck that bullsh*t.

I believe that he is changing the story, because I did try to "mend the marriage" while he did nothing. Because it is a two way street. And I believe that he is retaliating and trying to get a response out of me by provoking me further, unfriending me, etc. I agree Notwendy that it is again another tantrum. I also spoke to a friend who is studying psychology and she also truly believes that this is a tantrum, nothing more. I will either stop responding all together, or tell him that I will not tolerate this behavior. There's nothing I can do until I come back on the 5th, so I will simply put my mind to rest now.

I certainly do not have the answers to all of your questions, but I definitely am and will continue to think about them. I also will prioritise what I can tolerate as well. What I did learn from his parents today is that this behavior has been going on since he was little. I could possibly stay with them, unsure if he would like that though. However, I will rest my mind until I get back. If he blames me forever then that is on him. I have done the best that I can.

[60av8tor]

I responded with: Just know that I deeply love and care for you. Always (I was trying to be empathetic)
Him: That means nothing to me. You ruined that
Him (15 mins later): Anyways you’re one to f*cking talk, flying out to vacation instead of mending our marriage. Real classy
Him: Then trying to take a moral high ground like you’re some f*cking innocent Virgin Mary. F*ck that bullsh*t.

This exchange has such a vibe that I used to get from my wife. WAY overreaction for what had/was actually taking place. I used to pray that I’d get mature, adult, understanding replies, but when she got in this state, it was just spin, spin, spin. Via text, or in person, the response was always the same in these states. I would deescalate (not always, mind you, sometimes my temper got in the way. I would just get so frustrated) and tell her to cool  off. She would for a few minutes, but like clockwork she’d come back :5-:10 later almost angrier - like she just couldn’t get it out of her system - what was in her head HAD to come out; like she just had to fight. Often the point of what we were fighting about was unknown in all the white noise - if not unknown, it was extremely inconsequential in the grand scheme of things.

I’m very new to this illness, but it is extremely difficult and damaging. I’m sorry you’re going through all this.

[bluebutterflies]

It is a way overreaction. And what you're saying is exactly what is happening right now. I really thought he was done (because he never follows up on a first text).

I told him I would not tolerate his behavior and we can talk when he is calm. He then sent a raging long paragraph message, the points are: he's mad I'm calm, mad I said he can just come to where I am, a ton of other things he's mad about our relationship (which most are not true, and some we've talked through and thoroughly understand well), and that I can find someone else who can give me multiple orgasms (not even what I said).

I will honour what I said before and not respond to him. Or I may resend my "I will not tolerate this behavior from you, you can talk to me when you are calm." but idk. I want to so badly respond and argue but it's probably not a good idea. It's just so shocking that he thinks all of those things are true! He even said he doesn't remember the last time we held each other, which we literally were doing when he split. He doesn't remember the last time we hungout or laughed, and we just spent an entire long weekend together and also laugh all the time. I think he is deeply insecure and was triggered by what I originally said, and blaming alllll of this on me. So I feel okay now. None of this is my fault. Let me know if these updates are too frequent and too detailed, I do not want to burden you all.

[Cat Familiar]

I know it’s hard to not respond to the attacks, but think of modeling healthy adult behavior so he can see a more optimal way to react. It won’t change things, but at least you won’t be getting down in the mud to wrestle with him. If you can stay centered and not participate in the crazy, particularly when you return home, it will give him less incentive to try and bait you with unkind and untruthful remarks. What he needs to learn is self soothing behavior and by you staying out of the fray, as hard as it is, that will give him an opportunity to do so.

Best to say something like this:  “We’ll talk later when we are in a good place emotionally, rather than ‘when you calm down.’” That way, you aren’t pointing a finger at him and “blaming” him for being irrational.

[thankful person]

he's mad I'm calm, mad I said he can just come to where I am, a ton of other things he's mad about our relationship (which most are not true, and some we've talked through and thoroughly understand well), and that I can find someone else who can give me multiple orgasms (not even what I said).

I will honour what I said before and not respond to him. Or I may resend my "I will not tolerate this behavior from you, you can talk to me when you are calm." but idk. I want to so badly respond and argue but it's probably not a good idea. It's just so shocking that he thinks all of those things are true! He even said he doesn't remember the last time we held each other, which we literally were doing when he split. He doesn't remember the last time we hungout or laughed, and we just spent an entire long weekend together and also laugh all the time. I think he is deeply insecure and was triggered by what I originally said, and blaming alllll of this on me. So I feel okay now. None of this is my fault. Let me know if these updates are too frequent and too detailed, I do not want to burden you all.

Blue butterflies, we are absolutely here to share with and help each other and all free to leave or not read posts if we don’t want to! You are not burdening anyone. We have all been there, well I was a major poster last year and these good people really helped me through. I have so much respect for you heading off on that vacation alone so I’ve been checking in to see how you’re doing.

As for what you said above, I recognise these crazy things that come out of your husband’s mouth. My wife says such things, “We never have any fun. We don’t have anything in common. You don’t want me/love me/care about me. You never support me…” as well as telling me she has bad memories of days and events I remember her enjoying. These “all or never” statements are typical of bpd. I feel so much calmer now I understand.. I think she does mean and believe these things when she says them… but that doesn’t mean it’s what she thinks all the time. It’s also possible that our partners say such things because in the heat of that moment they chose the words especially to hurt us.

Not dwelling on it or giving it too much attention has given me so much power back. It seems to me like my constant apologising and worrying about how she could have a terrible day without me noticing etc… these habits of mine were actually making her behave in a more insane manner. I think apologising for things you aren’t fully or at all responsible for confirms to the pwbpd that you are a terrible bad person and it’s your fault etc. I know we are not supposed to justify, but I usually state my case once and then let it be, which seems to work just as well.

[bluebutterflies]

Thank you Cat Familiar. I agree that I need to model healthy adult behavior. It sounds like he is upset that I am calm, because he needs someone to mirror his rage back at him. I am too tired and just don't want to talk to him anymore right now, so I have not responded to his last rage message and am just going to let be. I see that he is ~finally~ listening to music (specifically sad music) which is the first time he has listened to music since he split on April 22nd!

Thankful person, this means a lot to me. I have spent my evenings educating myself, reading this forum, and I feel so warm and supported from every single one of you. It is helpful that you have experienced something similar, I am learning so much! I do understand that my H have said some things that are true (it is true we could spend more quality time together), and I understand now that since he is in the "black" part of the split, he can only see the negatives of our relationship. But I am not taking these attacks personally. I have been trying to not dwell on it like you advised. Moreso, I am coming to terms that anything can happen in this relationship and I cannot control him.

To make myself feel better, I have devised a few examples of what may happen, and the subsequent plans in my head. From ideal to least ideal:

1) He gets out of the split by the time I come home, he apologises, we talk through everything. I am thinking about still living elsewhere for the time being, until I feel more safe living with him. Physically he has never hurt me, but I don't know if I can go back to things "feeling" normal. So I am thinking about telling him that I will live elsewhere until he has shown me that he is working on getting help, and is getting help (rephrased in a better manner of course). I'm not sure if this is a good idea yet, but I will gauge the situation. The personal goal is to show that this is my boundary, that I need to take care of myself first. We are still together, but I am hoping that this shows him how serious I am. However, I am worried that this sounds like an ultimatum, or that when he does work on himself, that my moving back in would be rewarding him.

2) Same as 1, but I stay and live with him. At first I thought this was ideal, but I feel like this is what we did in the past and it reinforced the cycle. He wouldn't get help like he said he would. We thus lived in bliss until another split.

3) He is still split and wants me to move out, I state my legal rights and stay in the living room. I give it some time in case he changes his mind or gets out of a split. This is better than me being homeless.

4) He is still split or not split, wants me outttttt, divorce, I go to a women's shelter, and I suppose over time I realise the relationship is over and I must go back to the US.

There may be some in between situations but I feel more at ease mentally prepping. Though I am still aware that anything can happen.

[Notwendy]

I am worried that this sounds like an ultimatum,

I think you are wise to be concerned about this and I caution you about making your decisions contingent on him doing this. For someone to benefit from such help - they themselves have to be motivated. When you make something you do contingent on him doing this, it provided external motivation. He may do it so he can get what he wants. Once he gets it ( you move back in )- the external motivation is no longer there.

This kind of help isn't short term. It involves working with a therapist and steady work over time. Such a proposal would require you move out for a prolonged period of time.

You may try this, move back in in a few weeks, and he stops seeking help. You have achieved nothing.

He has been this way for a long time. For him to change would take some internal motivation and the ability to stick to a program long term.

Dealing with these kinds of relationships is accepting that the person is the way they are. We can work on our part of the dynamics to try to improve the relationship. We can not change them or make them change. The decision, on your part- to stay in this relationship or to realize it's not working out is based on you, not an expectation for him to get help and change- because that has to be decided by him, intrinsically.

International relationships have particular issues when the marriage is dysfunctional. I have seen some situations on the board where the partner is living in the country where the pwBPD is a citizen. This puts the non BPD partner at some disadvantage due to work permits, legal rights, and others. If the relationship is unstable, the non BPD partner can be in a compromised situation. There was one poster on this board who was financially dependent on the BPD partner and was kicked out of the home- no job, no work permit, no legal protection. I don't know what country you two are residing in, or if it is one where you have legal protection. This is something to consider for your own well being.

[bluebutterflies]

Thank you so much Notwendy. I have some updates. I woke up to a message from him, after I did not respond to his last rage message. This is his new message:

"You wanna talk let’s talk. I was drunk and frustrated. I felt and feel powerless and unable to do anything. And especially when you’re being over there. So I panicked, I thought I was going to die I’ve never had a panic attack before. And frankly I don’t know what to think. You left me, yes I didn’t want to go with you for obvious reasons but you left, without me. And that hurt me and disappointed me a lot, adding to what pain and frustration you already caused me.  And yes I’m still f*cking angry. But this’ll be your chance to talk or I’m cutting you out of my life."

We called for about two hours. A lot of it was just quiet. I tried my best to SET but I did JADE sometimes. It was really difficult because he kept repeating things like "How do you expect me to forgive you after you took this away from me?" and "This is all of your fault!"

We did talk through a bit about the details of what happened. He did share that what I originally said about sex, triggered him. He acknowledged that maybe this is all of his fault, but he can't help but feel angry and to blame me. He acknowledged that he wouldn't talk to me for a month and refused to go on the plane, but it is still my fault. Thus we would go in circles again. He doesn't know if he can forgive me and how we can move on from this.

I never asked for forgiveness the entire time. Since I said legally he can't kick me out, he said he will just move out and I can go after 30 days. But he is not sure if he wants to be with me or not. I believe he wants me to apologise for the whole thing. After some time, he got angry again, and we ended the call.

He is now mainly upset that I left to go on the trip. I feel myself getting weak and regretting that decision, even though everyone I have spoken to said it was the right decision. He feels that I did not want to work on our relationship, yet at the same time he understands that he wouldn't talk. It felt like talking to someone who understood everything logically but refused to accept any responsibility. He is embarrassed he had to message all of his friends here that he's not coming, and that he will have to lie to his coworkers. I did not take responsibility for this or apologise for this.

I am not sure what to do next. He's circled back again to being angry, now messaging me saying that I left him and that I ruined our chances of fixing things. If I had stayed, we would have been able to fix things. I don't know what to do because I cannot and will not apologise, or even tell him how to forgive me (because there is nothing to forgive).

[bluebutterflies]

Notwendy, yes I agree. I believe I was hoping for a trick to solve everything for me but it makes sense that again he must choose to seek help and not be pressured by me or any agreement we made.

I fortunately have a remote job that I can work anywhere. Since he's agreed I can stay 30 days and he will move out, that is our terms for now. Until he gets out of this split. Which I'm honestly unsure will ever happen but he clearly is still very angry right now. So I am expected to go home to Europe on the 5th and he will not be there.

[Notwendy]

I don't know all that went on before you left, but - there's a big difference between leaving a relationship and leaving for two weeks to go on a trip. He's the one who is adding the meaning to "you left me". Yes, you left because he didn't want to go but you didn't leave him.

No need to JADE that to him though, he knows the difference.

It seems you asserted yourself as a separate person though. To him, it was if he didn't want to go, then you should not want to go either. But the two of you are not the same person, even if married. The trip was also a planned trip- you didn't just run off and go away for two weeks- both of you had planned this. You didn't do anything wrong.

It's hard to know what will happen when you get back. He might be there, he may not. Or he may try to contact you over the next few weeks there. But his reaction- you went on a trip, the marriage is over- if he really went through with that, that's a  not a realistic idea of marriage- and would probably happen inevitably over any disagreement that didn't go his way. Although you have felt regret for going at times, I think if he reacted this way- he'd have done it eventually to another conflict.

The more common course of this kind of thing is that he will calm down and then want to go back to "normal". But on your part, you know this happened and so will need to decide how to respond to that.

[bluebutterflies]

What happened before the trip was really just: I made that orgasm comment as we were cuddling, he split and went straight to bed, and wouldn't talk to me for a month. The days ranged from completely ignoring me or sometimes responding. But towards the middle to end, he was clearly angry at me—his eyes raging when I opened his closet door to get his passport. I'd text him some stuff throughout but he didn't open my messages. I'd tell him that I was going on the trip but no response. So I just left.

A few days ago, I got an "unsent" message from him, another short rage text, and a rental contract that I will leave on July 2nd.

I just got back home now. The apt is completely clean and tidy, and he is not here, though all of his stuff is. He did a few things for me that he knew I would like. He left a box of a gift that I gave him along with some notes and photos of me that he had kept. I don't know where he is, but I sent him an update text to let him know I got home.

There's not much I can do now but just try to keep my own spirits up, though it's quite difficult already. I agree that this is not an ideal and realistic idea of marriage. When I was on the plane, I was feeling much more anger towards the way he is treating me, but all of that dissipated when I got home. So now I will try to just take care of myself. Thank you all for the support.

[fisher101]

In my experience regardless of splitting or whatever stage they are in, you cannot trust them. They will ALWAYS betray you and it is simply a matter of time. They are like ticking time bombs that can go off at any moment. You won't even see it coming as they will smile in your face, as they throw you under the bus. You know that expression amongst good friends that's like "if you killed someone I would help you hide the body". Well in the case of your BPD friend/lover/spouse they would smile at you, offer to help, and throw you under the bus and be the star witness for the prosecution. Do not trust someone with BPD with anything. They will lie, cheat, steal, and set your house on fire if it suits them.

I hate to say it but I somewhat I agree with this. I would phrase it as you can't rely on them rather than trust them. Many of them have flawed moral compasses. And to me this moral evaluation is based on their floor not their ceiling. For this reason I don't really consider anyone with bpd a "good" person.

[bluebutterflies]

Hi all, I have some updates to share. After I came back home from vacation, I stayed alone in the apt for a week, while my H went to stay with his family. After, he came back and was still split. June 17th he was ready to talk, and we talked and cried a lot.

He apologised for everything he said to me, he felt hurt and abandoned by what I said, and said it felt like a knife in his back. He clarified that he was more hurt by when I said "Have you ever googled how to make me orgasm?" rather than the sentence itself. We were cuddling and I was crying/venting and he felt like he's done so much to me to support me, so it felt like I was attacking him.

Over time he realised that we've both been lazy in our relationship for a while and didn't really realise or process this until this split (I agree, I thought about this a lot too). He felt like our love is unequal, and he puts more in (I agree in general but have thoughts). He still doesn't understand why I left on vacation, and said that he needed time to forgive me. I didn't move forward or agree with these statements, just tried to validate what I could. He said he's in the process of finding a psychiatrist and knows that he cannot continue living like this anymore.

The last few days have been quite good. We talked more about our feelings and I emphasised that I will not have kids until his mental health is stabilised, and he agreed. He believes that we needed to go through all of this in order for us to work harder on our relationship, and for him to get help. He's been a bit love bomby so I've been less reciprocative affection-wise, but still enjoying.

Yesterday, we spent some time talking but then I had to go back to work (we work opposite hours). I noticed within a few hours that his mood was down. He pushed me away for the evening even though I tried to communicate. Eventually he sent me a message opening up about how a few topics in our conversation and some of my behavior that day, made him feel rejected and that he felt silly for trying so hard because I wasn't reciprocating his affection.

Today we talked and he said that he didn't know why he was feeling moody until he sent me that message. I shared that I felt scared to reciprocate so immediately, so we agreed to move more slowly. I misinterpreted his saying he needs to time to trust me as = us going slow. He didn't want to go slow, he went back to being fast. And this misunderstanding disappointed him. Our conversation was more flat and he was withdrawn, but he is still hugging and talking to me. Is this common? In the past, he would usually let me know if he's moody or etc, but this feels different.

I just feel that it's common to have misunderstandings in our understanding of each other, and also it's okay for me to feel scared. It sounds like we had different expectations, but I cannot manage his disappointment. I also believe that we have different love languages and physical affection just isn't my highest, but I have been doing other things for us. But also, I feel that I should not be thinking about this on a normal brain, and I must think about this through BPD lenses. I'm not sure what to do, I guess I should let him be to sulk in his mood again? I'm assuming that he is still sensitive from the split, because usually he wouldn't react like this.

Would appreciate any insight, and please no negative/unhelpful comments.

[thankful person]

Hey butterflies,

It sounds like things are working out a bit better than you feared and I’m glad about that. Especially that your husband accepts that he has a problem. I think you have learnt so much really quickly and the vacation helped you with that! You are doing so well.

Keep up the good work. We are here to help if you need any more advice. The theory is that people with bpd can make progress if they’re committed to recovery. In my wife’s case, she is one who doesn’t recognise that she has a problem at all. I mention this because a pwbpd working on self improvement can still at times not recognise that they have or are the problem. So just be wary.

It is, in my experience, a bit of a one-sided relationship. I recognise that my wife is emotionally disabled, she doesn’t recognise it despite having a bpd diagnosis and treatment in the past. For this reason, some of the care taking and even eggshell walking will always remain to some extent. By this I mean you do have to watch what you say and always validate but the good news is it has become almost second nature to me now.

I have improved things so much without my wife having to be committed or believe anything.

[Notwendy]

This is my own observation ( not a professional one ) but I have found "victim perspective" to be common. (see the Karpman triangle for description of this) in addition to projection and denial.

PwBPD have difficulty managing their own feelings and as a result, tend to project them on to others. They also have a poor sense of self.  So if your H is feeling insecure and fears rejection- he can find "evidence" of you rejecting him in something you say or do, even if your didn't intend it.

You are correct in that you can not ( and should not ) manage his disappointment for him. If you manage his feelings for him, then he doesn't gain skills in managing his own feelings.

You also aren't responsible for his feelings of rejection. He may blame you, or believe that you are the source of them but that isn't the case. It's his own feelings that may be triggered by someone else- but that is his issue. If someone is triggered to feel something- that's an area they need to work on. It is good that your H realizes he needs to see someone for his mental health. It's important to see he follows up on that. A therapist can help him with managing his feelings.

At this point, if he needs to sulk, or do the silent treatment- that's on him. You can explain your position so he understands you are not sulking back. "Hi honey, I am here if you wish to talk" and then go about your own business.

It's good that you are able to express your need to go slowly. That is taking care of you. It's a bit crazy making to have unexpressed expectations you are expected to meet - such as a fast reconciliation. When this happens, gently point out that you can't read minds, it's important for him to tell you what he needs. It's also a bit crazy making to have someone misinterpret your actions or words, but it's part of the disorder.

[jrharvey]

Hi Blue Butterflies.

I am sorry, I only read the first post but I can already see some things that are going "not so right". I havent read the other comments and for that I appologize but wanted to say something because I noticed no other male commented.

What you asked was pretty hurtful. Regardless of BPD or not that was an instant pain in his heart. As a man we sometimes feel like we have one job and thats to make our wife happy and to hear that we now need google to make you orgasm is really hard to accept. Its kinda like saying we are worthless in bed . I know that sounds nuts but its our first reaction. I completely understand you want to be satisfied as well. Nothing wrong with that. But its going to hurt him to think about how he hasnt been able to before. TRUST ME THAT SUCKS!

How did you react after you told him and he showed he was upset? If I had to guess he is feeling very upset and down, maybe even depressed. Personally I think the reaction would be to comfort him, show as much love as possible and maybe try to tell him how YOU WANT to be pleasured. Googling is a big mess of a place and most likely he will get answers that will not make you happy anyways. From personal experience I can tell you that every single woman is different in how they want or need pleasure from sex which also makes it madening for a man trying to do a good job. Its like we are supposed to just know.

Men are very different. We really want a clear cut manual on how to treat our specific woman and how to do certain things. If we have a manual to fix a honda we wouldnt use it to fix a chevy right?

Yes he overreacted of course but thats what BPD people do. I know it doesnt sound like a big deal but even a non BPD man would not be happy about that.

Im not sure what happened when you left but I am sure he did not want that. My guess would be that he was extremely down and wanted you to show love and nurturing. Remember, whether or not you meant it your basically telling him he is a failure at the most important job he has (according to him). Thats really rough. If you just kinda brushed it off as if its just having a BPD split it may have deeply hurt him to his core.

This may have been recoverable but I would guess that the fact you left him by himself after all that really left him feeling super hurt and abandoned.

Cant be 100% sure but maybe what you could have done is find out yourself what actions or things that give you an orgasm and maybe tell him in a way that wouldnt trigger him. Maybe say something like "Hey babe, would you want to do this" or "I would really love it if you did this for me". Asking us to google is a bit of an arrow to the heart.

If this post was innapropriate I really am sorry and it can be deleted. I just wanted to be helpful. If its not then I am sorry.

I think he wants you. He feels down and he needs you to be there for him and show him you love him and are there for him regardless of if he couldnt give you an orgasm in the past. He wants to know you love him no matter what. He is upset and splitting because he feels worthless and incapable of doing what a man does which is please his wife.

Really hope this helps. Sorry if it made things worse.

[bluebutterflies]

Thank you all so much. That talk we had about why he was feeling moody was last Tuesday. He had also requested no more touching and basically we're just roommates. We had another talk yesterday and basically: he said that what really triggered him was when I came over to sit next to him but I was still working, and I shooed him away when he was trying to show me something. I said I would listen and pay attention, but I forgot and went back to my computer. He felt dismissed, which triggered him. He acknowledged this was something small and shouldn't break the relationship, and that he feels like we had a great weekend, but he didn't have time to fully heal and is still sensitive. He also still believes this is my fault, that all of his hurt is my fault. So he now is asking for time to heal. He was quite rude at times and said some hurtful things in hurtful tones, which led me to crying a lot.

I still tried to SET and not JADE, but it was hard. I said that I wasn't perfect, that I'm trying and I was having a hard time balancing work + personal life. He understands all of this logically, but still felt hurt. So I will let him be to sulk again. He's not quite split though, he still responds to me and will (reluctantly) go on a walk with me.

So the timeline has been, starting from April 22 until today July 1
1 month of him not speaking to me (full split)
2 weeks of me being on vacation (he's raging, divorce + kicking me out threat, still split)
1 week back home alone (he's still split, went elsewhere)
2 week he came back home, got out of the split
1 weekend lovey dovey normal
2 weeks semi-split, he needs time to heal

I'm still trying to not take what he says/his tone personally. It's really hard. I've joined a video support group in the meantime as well. It's just really difficult because I find myself to be a very patient and tolerant and understanding person, and I am starting to wonder if I am tolerating too much. It's hard because in our 4.5 years of being together, he's been soo open minded, able to talk about anything, even criticism. So I'm giving myself a general/flexible date of the end of the year where I will check in with myself to see how the relationship is going. While he hasn't been outwardly abusive etc, living with someone who is barely speaking to you is not a relationship I want. So we will see how the next few months go, whether he is willing to truly seek help like the word he gave.

I'm just feeling stuck in these 2 months of intense BPD of him, and slowly starting to forget who he is why I love him. Not a great place to be in because we just got married and he's the love of my life!

I appreciate your response jrharvey. It is quite interesting as he has clarified that he wasnt triggered by what I said, but that the sentence (or critique) was at a bad timing. He felt like he was giving me everything by comforting me during my cry, so that my asking him that felt like a stab in the back. A lot of your questions are answered in my subsequence responses btw, but tl;dr: I apologised immediately but he shut me out for a month.