One Year Later

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I don't really know where to begin, or why I'm writing, but I think I could use some advice.

Seeing my posts from less than a year ago is jarring - was it really only 10 months?  Feels like 10 years.

I'll try to be brief- I tend to ramble.

In the end, the kids' attorney didn't believe a word I said.  I had 70+ pages of journal entries that hyperlinked to audio recordings, calendar notes, and messages/emails/texts.  I had three letters of recommendations- one from my ex's aunt, one from my therapist, and one my children's therapist: all supporting that *something* is wrong with their mother and that until she gets sorted, Dad should be in charge.  I even have evidence that she's given them wine, over dosed them with antibiotics, and allowed my son to get severely sunburned (let him fall asleep in a pool unattended).  She tossed it all out because she wasn't notified earlier, felt my over-preparedness for mediation was suspicious, and (I found out from another attorney) has a tendency to side with "mom" as someone who's been through an abusive relationship herself.  My attorney didn't do anything.  I think she was in over her head.  The kids' attorney then did the math and presented me what she figured I'd owe in spousal and child support- an absurd amount that would mean me losing my house while she'd have enough to quit work and homeschool them again.

We ended up with nearly 50/50 custody.  I have a very slight edge because I work from home and still live very close to their school.  I feel sick.  This is my first weekend without them.

It's a struggle.  Anyone else go through something like this and, when the house is quiet, you feel like "they" were right about you?  My ex told everyone I was gaslighting her - that I had her committed and turned everyone against her (two police departments, her local extended family, therapists, etc) to build a custody case against her.

I did okay for the first two nights, but night three and four were tough.  Embarrassed to admit I cried all day yesterday and felt hopeless.  I don't know what triggered it - maybe exhaustion?  I threw myself into work but that eventually ran out.  Working on rebuilding friendships but I'm still haunted by her "you're a monster, who would ever love you?" comments.  It doesn't help that I'm in the house still - she finally left.  I rearranged the furniture (well, bought new furniture because she took everything) so it's a little different.

I've actually started dating, but that's a whole different post.

[Guts42]

I don't really know where to begin, or why I'm writing, but I think I could use some advice.

Seeing my posts from less than a year ago is jarring - was it really only 10 months?  Feels like 10 years.

I'll try to be brief- I tend to ramble.

In the end, the kids' attorney didn't believe a word I said.  I had 70+ pages of journal entries that hyperlinked to audio recordings, calendar notes, and messages/emails/texts.  I had three letters of recommendations- one from my ex's aunt, one from my therapist, and one my children's therapist: all supporting that *something* is wrong with their mother and that until she gets sorted, Dad should be in charge.  I even have evidence that she's given them wine, over dosed them with antibiotics, and allowed my son to get severely sunburned (let him fall asleep in a pool unattended).  She tossed it all out because she wasn't notified earlier, felt my over-preparedness for mediation was suspicious, and (I found out from another attorney) has a tendency to side with "mom" as someone who's been through an abusive relationship herself.  My attorney didn't do anything.  I think she was in over her head.  The kids' attorney then did the math and presented me what she figured I'd owe in spousal and child support- an absurd amount that would mean me losing my house while she'd have enough to quit work and homeschool them again.

We ended up with nearly 50/50 custody.  I have a very slight edge because I work from home and still live very close to their school.  I feel sick.  This is my first weekend without them.

It's a struggle.  Anyone else go through something like this and, when the house is quiet, you feel like "they" were right about you?  My ex told everyone I was gaslighting her - that I had her committed and turned everyone against her (two police departments, her local extended family, therapists, etc) to build a custody case against her.

I did okay for the first two nights, but night three and four were tough.  Embarrassed to admit I cried all day yesterday and felt hopeless.  I don't know what triggered it - maybe exhaustion?  I threw myself into work but that eventually ran out.  Working on rebuilding friendships but I'm still haunted by her "you're a monster, who would ever love you?" comments.  It doesn't help that I'm in the house still - she finally left.  I rearranged the furniture (well, bought new furniture because she took everything) so it's a little different.

I've actually started dating, but that's a whole different post.

[I Am Redeemed]

That sounds very discouraging for you, Guts, and I can see why you would be feeling hopeless and tearful. A divorce is emotionally draining, even without the BPD element, but with that in the mix, it's even more stressful.

Not being believed is hard. Feeling the desperation to protect your kids and not having your concerns validated is hard.

Sometimes court systems fall short or even fail miserably to secure outcomes that are truly in children's best interests.

I would say continue documentation. Don't give up. There are stories here of fathers and mothers eventually getting better outcomes for the kids (Forever Dad is one of them).

Are you and the kids continuing with therapy?

As for being alone with no distractions and suddenly feeling "they" were right about you... that's an effect of living with emotional abuse for so long. It's a normal reaction after abuse.

Self care is going to be crucial right now. Exercise, hydrate, get enough rest, meditate, journal, get outside in nature, do something that you like to do. Whatever self care looks like for you. If you aren't sure what self care looks like for you, you can ask your therapist to help you with a self care plan. Mine is great at helping me recognize ways to care for myself. Sometimes it's something as small as preparing the coffee pot the night before so I just have to push a button in the morning.

Having emotions that are finally surfacing after the reality set in is also completely normal. Feeling powerless over the situation is also normal. But just remember that even though you didn't get the outcome you hoped for initially, it doesn't mean there's no recourse from here.

Does the parenting order favor you or her with the "nearly" 50/50?

[NotAHero]

I don't really know where to begin, or why I'm writing, but I think I could use some advice.

Seeing my posts from less than a year ago is jarring - was it really only 10 months?  Feels like 10 years.

I'll try to be brief- I tend to ramble.

In the end, the kids' attorney didn't believe a word I said.  I had 70+ pages of journal entries that hyperlinked to audio recordings, calendar notes, and messages/emails/texts.  I had three letters of recommendations- one from my ex's aunt, one from my therapist, and one my children's therapist: all supporting that *something* is wrong with their mother and that until she gets sorted, Dad should be in charge.  I even have evidence that she's given them wine, over dosed them with antibiotics, and allowed my son to get severely sunburned (let him fall asleep in a pool unattended).  She tossed it all out because she wasn't notified earlier, felt my over-preparedness for mediation was suspicious, and (I found out from another attorney) has a tendency to side with "mom" as someone who's been through an abusive relationship herself.  My attorney didn't do anything.  I think she was in over her head.  The kids' attorney then did the math and presented me what she figured I'd owe in spousal and child support- an absurd amount that would mean me losing my house while she'd have enough to quit work and homeschool them again.

We ended up with nearly 50/50 custody.  I have a very slight edge because I work from home and still live very close to their school.  I feel sick.  This is my first weekend without them.

It's a struggle.  Anyone else go through something like this and, when the house is quiet, you feel like "they" were right about you?  My ex told everyone I was gaslighting her - that I had her committed and turned everyone against her (two police departments, her local extended family, therapists, etc) to build a custody case against her.

I did okay for the first two nights, but night three and four were tough.  Embarrassed to admit I cried all day yesterday and felt hopeless.  I don't know what triggered it - maybe exhaustion?  I threw myself into work but that eventually ran out.  Working on rebuilding friendships but I'm still haunted by her "you're a monster, who would ever love you?" comments.  It doesn't help that I'm in the house still - she finally left.  I rearranged the furniture (well, bought new furniture because she took everything) so it's a little different.

I've actually started dating, but that's a whole different post.

 I’m sorry that you had to experience the shortcoming of the system.

 That being said, it could of been much worse. At least 50/50 custody you can still be there to regularly monitor your kids conditions and protect them.

 It is hard when you are alone and the kids are gone but no matter what relationship you had, that’s the price of divorce. There is no way around the damage to you and the kids. BPDs are not capable of understanding these consequences even with the best intentions. I recommend you read “raising resilient children with BPD/NPD” it gives you some tools but even better it helps you feel better about the situation. My take away from it was that as long as the kids see a normal stable environment in your house hold they will have a base to go back to to counter the crazy chaos in the other parent household.

 As for alimony and child support don’t ever expect fairness in the court as a male. I imagine the alimony is not for life since you have young children ? So think about it that way, time is on your side.

 If hearing a much much worse outcome makes you feel better I can tell you the summary of my first divorce that my divorce lawyer said “the most cruel thing I have ever seen in over 30 years of practice”. Not trying to minimize what you went through but I assure you it could of been worse. Sounds like you did everything you could too so give yourself some credit and look forward to the healing journey.