Still lost

[Kelly2022]

Thank you for the links! Feeling unseen tonight, unappreciated & alone. When you've lost the shaky support of your partner and your mother, it's tough to raise teenage kids on your own. Tonight they repeated some of what my mom or their dad has said to me in front of them in the past. Sometimes I find teenage behaviour triggering if you've lived through any kind of abuse. I hope they grow out of some of their behaviour. I feel like no matter how far I run from being treated a certain way it comes right back.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I feel like being a mother, as hard as it is for everyone, is especially hard and triggering for those of us who have been abused. We see you here, Kelly2022. And we get it.

It is not an easy task to parent ourselves, to find within the validation we need and that was never given to us without having to pay something in exchange.

The mothering exemple we had, is one of someone whose rely on everyone else to carry their shame and their hurt. And we carried them, to the cost of our own well being. In the process, by mirroring, I think we also consider it "normal" to expect other people to validate us, like we had to validate them.

But in truth, when looking around me, when standing within a circle of emotionally responsible people : no one carries anyone, and we all have to carry ourselves, to validate ourselves. Hence the importance of knowing ourselves, to not have to rely on someone else to tell us who we are.

Are there some things you enjoy doing for yourself?

[khibomsis]

Aw Kelly, so sorry to hear you are going through tough times! Teenagers are the worst.

It sounds to me like your children could be experiencing some stress and tension themselves. After all, your mom and your ex are supremely unhappy people. What is causing your teenagers to express similar unhappiness? Is it possible to get them into counselling? In the meantime, try validating questions. "D: Oh, grandma says you have eyes like a newt. You: So how did that make you feel? " Turning the focus on them will help them develop the selfhood BPD overwhelmingly denies.

This works if your cup is full. RW is right. Self care is the key. What can you do for yourself tonight?

[Kelly2022]

Today is my birthday and I’m feeling so much pain. My mom took me out for a bday lunch yesterday and it was awful. My children say I’ve changed, things are more dim now. I’m sad and carrying the weight of what has happened with my mom and my ex. My mom was  saying that what I do to her by not calling for 3 days is cruel and I will see one day what I’m doing, that I’m heartless, not parenting well, that I could have changed the relationship with my dad as a teenager if I had not sometimes worn  black which he hated, she tried to talk about me to the kids in front of me again and luckily they left the restaurant to do their own thing. I made the mistake of defending which she sees as attacking and disrespect. She insulted me 7 times and she said I’m disrespecting her! She said we are not equals because she is my mother. She said I victimize myself any time I state how I feel as a result of her words. That I go around playing the victim. She said something about my illness, to get over it that lots of people are sick.
It broke my heart that my daughter said she feels like the family is broken now, with seeing her less, and I seem more quiet. I don’t talk about my mom much to them which she says she feels like I’m keeping stuff. But at the same she doesn’t really want to hear it. She also said the same things as my mom said. That I always end up feeling alone in life and that plays out like a victim.
I do feel that way sometimes, I’ve lost a lot this year. I feel shame to feel, that im not stronger for them. And I do feel alone. Very alone sometimes.

[Kelly2022]

On my birthday my mother also asked why I wasn’t just born to someone else

[Methuen]

Kelly 2022,  
I want to wish you a happy birthday, and I know I am not alone in sending you positive vibes on this day.  

Are you famliar with Christine Lawson, and the witch, queen,, hermit and waif?

Your mom sounds like a witch.  It’s a clinical term.

Here is my birthday gift to you: every mean thing your mom said to you at your birthday lunch was NOT about you. It was about HER.  It’s called “projection”.  Deep inside on an unconscious level, it’s how she feels about herself, but she’s “borderline”, so therefore she dumps it as toxic vomit onto you.  It’s a terrible disease.  I repeat: it wasn’t about you.  That it felt like it was doesn’t make it so.  She’s emotionally sick.

This is what they do, and they all do it.  

On another thread, I read that someone’s T told them to think of themselves as an orphan.  At first  it was sad, but later  liberating.

It is especially painful that you are going through this alone, and without a partner at your side.

I can feel your pain.

I have  gone through a three year process where I have emotionally detached myself from  my mom.  My story is complicated, but after reading your last post on p2 ( I admit to not having read everything on p1), I highly recommend emotional detachment and giving up on the Hallmark mother relationship we all desire,, because she’s not capable of it, and until you change up how you are around her, she’s gonna keep using you as a punching bag because you are so available.  It’s sick, but it gives her emotional relief about her own feelings inside  to do this to you.  That it was your birthday would be irrelevant, because it’s about her, not you.

Don’t tell her you are going to take a time out from her in order to start taking care of yourself.  Just do it.  Don’t dclare anything when you set a boundary, because your boundary is for you, not her.  I think you need a break from her.  She’s probably going to push back, but let her figure out in her own time why there is silence.  I’m not sure what to suggest  you could tell your kids.  Maybe keep it simple and tell them your mother said bad  things to you at your birthday lunch, and so you are going to take some time to look after yourself now.  This would be modelling a healthy response to someone elses bad behavior, so they can learn a healthy response to being treated like a doormat by an emotionally sick  person.  They would hopefully  respect you for this.  Don’t tell them too much.  Just keep the message short  and simple.  See what others here think.  

Looking back, can you see anything you could have done  differently during that lunch?  When she is getting going on her rant, how could the outcome have been different if you had said”I’m not going to sit here and listen to you say terrible things about me or anyone else” and then simply got up and left?  You could add that “we can talk again when you are feeling better”.  That sets a boundary that you will not accept her abuse.  Sitting there and taking it lets her know its ok.  But it’s not ok.  None of her behavior that you described is ok, and you know that.

You can take back your power.  

But before you can do that you need some time to heal and feel emotionally stronger, and the most effective way to do that is self care.

A nice  long soak in a lavender epsom salt bath would be a start.  I would suggest several weeks of loving self care treatment until you start to feel stronger.

Do you by any chance have a T that you feel is helpful? Or are you able to find one?

Keep posting here as often and as much as you want to .  We are here to support you.  

I send genuine birthday wishes.  We have your back.

 

[Methuen]

Here is a link to the Christine Lawson book.  It's anecdotal, but well researched, still clinical, and conversations on this board have always given in a thumbs up. 

https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/understanding-borderline-mother

[Kelly2022]

I don't have time to write at the moment but thank you for taking the time to write to me in such a thought out way, I really appreciate the support. I will think about the what I could have done differently because I do think that's the key. I don't have the heart to leave a person sitting there in the middle of her meal, and many other things I would feel guilt over but I know doing so is enabling her. I still believe deep down she has no idea she's being hurtful but maybe that's just my conditioning to think that way.
It's difficult that when I try to voice my concerns or how her words hurt me she immediately accuses me of playing the victim and attacking her. I find that so bizarre.
I will check out that book too, thank you again.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I will think about the what I could have done differently because I do think that's the key.

I propose a slight change in thinking : don't think about what you could have done differently, instead think of what you CAN do differently.

It is hard to keep ourselves from rumination, but it is vital, especially if the rumination is not helping you process separation .

If you don't have the courage to leave her in the middle of a diner, maybe don't go to diner with her anymore. Maybe take a break from her.

[Methuen]

If you don't have the courage to leave her in the middle of a diner, maybe don't go to diner with her anymore. Maybe take a break from her.

. This is reasonable.

Is there another way you could use boundaries to keep yourself feeling emotionally safer from her attacks?

Consider this:  if you aren’t comfortable getting up and leaving when she is emotionally abusing you during a lunch on your birthday, could it be that you are enabling her to keep abusing you?

How does it ever stop?