I went through two years of hell -- being madly in love with her, enduring her ups and downs, etc. I asked her to marry me, bought a house for her, and she would say yes but then get scared and again spend the night with another man.
Last fall I finally went no-contact. I went no-contact for four months, but then (quoting from The Godfather, Part 3) just as I thought I was out, she pulled me back in. (I quote that movie to be funny, not to avoid responsibility, as I allowed myself to be pulled back in.) She told me that she loved me, that she was sorry, and I felt that deep connection with her all over again. Just hearing her voice over the phone was so incredibly powerful, so sexully alluring. And I quickly got back together with her.
I again asked her to marry me, and this time she said yes. We started to go to couples counseling; she initiated this, saying she wanted to rebuild my trust.
And now here we are, two months later, and things are not good. Part of the problem is that it's exhausting to simply be myself. Last Friday, for instance, I was feeling down for a number of reasons. Just not a good day. And instead of asking me what was wrong, she said that my sadness meant that I wasn't happy in my relationship with her. I responded by telling her that that wasn't true and that it would have been nice for her to ask why I was down. And she just got mean. No empathy, no sympathy, just meanness. "I need you to be happy," she said. "This is a really stressful time for me, and I need you to be happy."
I find myself lying to her more and more. I don't want to tell her when I'm feeling down anymore for reasons I just explained. I don't want to tell her when I talked to my ex-wife over the phone because she'll blow up about that (even though she told me it's fine if I'm friends with my ex), and so I lie about that. I know that in some ways the right thing would be to be honest, but I just don't have the stomach for her nuclear-sized reactions, and so I lie.
I have not posted in this group for a couple of months or so, and I really just need to reach out and connect and be reminded that my situation isn't unique and that maybe there's hope.
Kaufmann,
I would so very much like to say that our respective situations were / are not that common. Unfortunately, evidence leans towards other wise. It appears that mental conditions are through approximately 25% of the general population.
I do have understanding about how we get pulled in. The love bombing, the mirroring.
The emotional outbursts, from being here, lots of reading, lots of introspection, comes from fear on their part. I don't know if it's fear of abandonment, or something else. So, any actions on your part that could be construed as a threat to the connection is going to create a reaction.
Is there hope? Yes there is. There are people here that are in a long term relationship / marriage with partners with a PD.
I am guessing here, but the typical PD verbal communication isn't good. The emotional content may be accurate on what they are feeling at the moment, but the way that it's said doesn't like line up with the emotional content.
check out the library, the tools, the resources here. You will be reading a lot and also be trying new things, new behaviors.
One thing I do know for certain is that there is a great deal of self work that is required. Well, it's kind of like this. Their regulation of emotions isn't great so yours has to be, you have to have a solid sense of self, and also the ability to not have your brain be complicit in accepting that the verbal / actions towards you is wounding. If that makes sense.
I will admit that I'm still really new at all this. I only found this space / related spaces back in Nov of last year. Take what I have written with that grain of salt.
Perhaps reach out to members that are in a successful relationship?
Peace
