Emotional...

[StartingHealing]

Hello y'all,

Could those who have been through the ringer and come out on the other side mind sharing with me how you navigated it? 

Thank you

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Define what you mean by "out the other side". Most get stuck in the wringer but may manage to ease the pressure somewhat.

BPD and the behaviour of pwBPD are not going to go away, or be fixed very often. Often the most you learn is not to let it drive you insane as much trying to fight it, but rather rebuild some semblance of a life for yourself.

Over reaching expectations are can be what bring you undone in the end due to frustration.

[StartingHealing]

waverider,

My apologies, I wasn't clear enough in my post.  Feeling confused on how to move forward, also wondering about the various stages of emotions going through it, and how to .. work through my stuff to where I am secure in my own being-ness?  If that makes any sense.

It takes a while for the body to catch up to the brain sometimes,  and it feels that is where I am at the moment.

Peace

[lovingmyself1st]

Hi Waverider,

I'm new to this healing/grieving journey also. Here are the things I've decided to do for myself (both my therapist & my best friend who is a trauma therapist think I'm on the right track):

1. See a therapist regularly to help navigate all the hard feelings.
2. Let yourself grieve. If you need to cry - cry it out.
3. Take care of your body - exercise, eat well, drink water.
4. Invest in yourself - spend time with your friends, do things you love.
5. Work on radically accepting the situation every single day. It doesn't make sense, you probably feel like you're spinning in confusion, and are likely feeling a lot of grief. Working on radical acceptance that this situation is what it is will slowly help you spin less and work through that grief.
6. Set & keep boundaries with your ex. This is hard. For me, this looks like no emails, no phone calls, no texts (unless it's about logistics of moving out), not taking the same classes at the gym, and in general, taking space & time. You'll have to decide what's best for you.

Believe me, I wish there was some magic way to not feel like my heart was ripped out of my body. But I'm sure there's not. We are left to do the work...and it's really difficult.

[waverider]

Hi Waverider,

I'm new to this healing/grieving journey also. Here are the things I've decided to do for myself (both my therapist & my best friend who is a trauma therapist think I'm on the right track):

1. See a therapist regularly to help navigate all the hard feelings.
2. Let yourself grieve. If you need to cry - cry it out.
3. Take care of your body - exercise, eat well, drink water.
4. Invest in yourself - spend time with your friends, do things you love.
5. Work on radically accepting the situation every single day. It doesn't make sense, you probably feel like you're spinning in confusion, and are likely feeling a lot of grief. Working on radical acceptance that this situation is what it is will slowly help you spin less and work through that grief.
6. Set & keep boundaries with your ex. This is hard. For me, this looks like no emails, no phone calls, no texts (unless it's about logistics of moving out), not taking the same classes at the gym, and in general, taking space & time. You'll have to decide what's best for you.

Believe me, I wish there was some magic way to not feel like my heart was ripped out of my body. But I'm sure there's not. We are left to do the work...and it's really difficult.

This sounds like a good approach, rebuilding and enlarging your side of the fence whilst accepting that you cannot directly repair the other side and so minimizing the harm any encroachments may cause.

Life is never perfect, but it helps if you can have it more than half full

[waverider]

waverider,

My apologies, I wasn't clear enough in my post.  Feeling confused on how to move forward, also wondering about the various stages of emotions going through it, and how to .. work through my stuff to where I am secure in my own being-ness?  If that makes any sense.

It takes a while for the body to catch up to the brain sometimes,  and it feels that is where I am at the moment.

Peace

You need to start by working on creating a space around yourself, whether physical or mental. It can be a tough battle but without a zone of normality you will not be able to make rational choices. You will always feel swamped and under siege, it is impossible to make longer term decisions and plans when all you are thinking about is how to avoid imminent conflict and often just digging yourself a bigger hole.

To gain any control you will need to learn the patience to weather serial extinction bursts, this is the knee jerk refusal to accept denials and blocks by your other half.

[StartingHealing]

You need to start by working on creating a space around yourself, whether physical or mental. It can be a tough battle but without a zone of normality you will not be able to make rational choices. You will always feel swamped and under siege, it is impossible to make longer term decisions and plans when all you are thinking about is how to avoid imminent conflict and often just digging yourself a bigger hole.

To gain any control you will need to learn the patience to weather serial extinction bursts, this is the knee jerk refusal to accept denials and blocks by your other half.

True.  Work has been a refuge for me.  I'm also working on getting some other things going that is going to be more "normal" like spending time with people that I want to spend time with / not what people that WwBPD/NPD wants to spend time with.