Is it bad that I WANT my ex to cycle back to me?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I’m only 6 days post break up, so I know I’m living in emotion-mind most of the time right now. My ex (bipolar with BPD symptoms, in regular therapy, on medication) ended things out of the blue. We were together almost 1 year, and we had the most mature, communicative, intentional relationship I have ever been in. We had both been in relationships that didn’t work in the past, and we each brought things into the relationship that we wanted. We talked about ways to not be codependent, spending time with our individual friends, having interests outside of the relationship, openly communicating when something hurt us or frustrated us or annoyed us. And we did all of those things! We were so good. Sure, we had disagreements, but we were always able to talk through them.

One day she had a scary medical appointment that she wasn’t expecting. The next day, she didn’t know if she was “all in.” 3 days later, she said she couldn’t be with me anymore because 1. She doesn’t feel I’m as vulnerable as her in sharing things I’m struggling with (even though I feel like she knows every piece of me), and she has felt this way for two months & now resents me so much we can’t be together. And #2 - she just has a feeling. She can’t explain it any further, it’s just a feeling.

Is it bad that at this point I want her to come back? I want her to want me back? The thought of finding some relief from this intense heartbreak feeling sounds irresistible right now.

I KNOW I shouldn’t let my mind wander here - I can’t help it . I feel like I’m losing my mind - 1 minute I’ll be accepting everything & feeling a little peace, and the next I’m crying and yearning for her.

So confused & hurt.

[lovingmyself1st]

I’m only 6 days post break up, so I know I’m living in emotion-mind most of the time right now. My ex (bipolar with BPD symptoms, in regular therapy, on medication) ended things out of the blue. We were together almost 1 year, and we had the most mature, communicative, intentional relationship I have ever been in. We had both been in relationships that didn’t work in the past, and we each brought things into the relationship that we wanted. We talked about ways to not be codependent, spending time with our individual friends, having interests outside of the relationship, openly communicating when something hurt us or frustrated us or annoyed us. And we did all of those things! We were so good. Sure, we had disagreements, but we were always able to talk through them.

One day she had a scary medical appointment that she wasn’t expecting. The next day, she didn’t know if she was “all in.” 3 days later, she said she couldn’t be with me anymore because 1. She doesn’t feel I’m as vulnerable as her in sharing things I’m struggling with (even though I feel like she knows every piece of me), and she has felt this way for two months & now resents me so much we can’t be together. And #2 - she just has a feeling. She can’t explain it any further, it’s just a feeling.

Is it bad that at this point I want her to come back? I want her to want me back? The thought of finding some relief from this intense heartbreak feeling sounds irresistible right now.

I KNOW I shouldn’t let my mind wander here - I can’t help it . I feel like I’m losing my mind - 1 minute I’ll be accepting everything & feeling a little peace, and the next I’m crying and yearning for her.

So confused & hurt.

[lovingmyself1st]

Still in a space of wishing things were different. I want her to reach out. I want her to tell me she didn't mean it. I want her to tell me she sees a future. This is so hard.

I don't think my family/friends would let me go back to her without telling me I'm making a mistake. It's so sad.

[kells76]

Hi lovingmyself1st, good to hear from you again.

Sounds like you're processing a lot. Her departure was so sudden and there was a lot that seemed positive about your relationship, pre-departure. And you wanted to be there for her during her medical scare. Plus, you're juggling thoughts of how your friends and family might respond if you got back together with her. Plus, you're wondering whether the thoughts and desires you're having are even good or OK.

I noticed some interesting "moves" in your thoughts here:

Is it bad that at this point I want her to come back?

I KNOW I shouldn’t let my mind wander here - I can’t help it .

I'm wondering if you would also recognize those parts in bold as Judgments about your thoughts.

I'm also wondering what it would be like for you to "step back a level" and observe your thoughts from a different place.

An example would be:

We can all think. We all think thoughts, and we might describe a thinking experience as: "I'm thinking about my ex", for example.

Stepping back a level would look like: "I'm thinking about how I'm thinking about my ex", or, "I'm noticing that I'm thinking thoughts about my ex".

Sometimes we jump to making judgments or assessments about our thoughts:

"I shouldn't be thinking about my ex", or "It's probably bad that I'm thinking that I want her back", etc.

While there is room in life for judgments about thoughts, I'm wondering how it'd be for you to rearrange how you do things. Instead of Judging or Assessing thoughts first, what if you Noticed or Observed those thoughts first?

If you choose to try that, another thing you can do is -- as you notice and observe your thoughts "from a level up", notice and observe how your body feels as you do that. An example of an internal dialogue about this process might be: "I notice myself wondering if I should try getting back together with my ex, and as I observe that thought, I also notice that my heart is beating faster than usual".

What this process can do for some people is bring back some unity between our rational/logical mind and our emotional/feeling mind, both of which are critical parts of our mental whole. When we have all parts of our mind working together, we may have more wisdom and may be able to make choices from a place of more insight. While it's not a "magic wand", it is something you can try, and you can decide what you think about the practice of:

Noticing and Observing your thoughts before Judging and Assessing your thoughts, and

Noticing and Observing how your body feels as you Notice and Observe your thoughts.

Curious what you think about this way of approaching what you're dealing with -- which is a LOT.

kells76

[kells76]

Just want to add that I'm not saying all this because I'm great or an expert at it    we're all here together on the boards because we're all learning, and sometimes it can be easier to talk about what we've learned and share it than to do it ourselves. So, please know that it's not like "I'm the expert and you should do this". More sharing things I've learned that I, too, am in the middle of working on.