Hi everyone. This is my first post and I really do not know where to begin.
I have been married for 9 years (together for about 11), when I look back, I see many "red flags" at the time of us dating such as saying the importance of family time for me was "stupid and immature" but that's besides the point now.
So I have been seeing a therapist for well over a year now in regards to me feeling anxious and like I am the "crazy" one in our relationship. We have come forth with my husband demo's s/s of BPD. I have been absolutely miserable for a while now in our relationship which really seemed to "get worse" when my daughter was born 5 yrs ago. There has been passive aggression, verbal and emotional abuse, very concerning comments towards me and using me as an "emotional punching bag" when it comes to covering his own insecurities. He is a binge eater and is now about 500lbs. I basically work as a single mom most of the time to try and manage my daughter, the house, and other responsibilities. When I approach the subject of my husband "not being around" I will get the "all or nothing" response of either "well I do 'a, b, c...'' OR I will get the response of "you are just perfect and I'm a piece of
PLEASE READ, i know..."
There is so much I can say in this forum, but my computer battery won't last that long...there has been accusations of me cheating on him...literally with ANY man that I either see and/or work with (which I am NOT), there has been isolation from friends and family and guilt tripping: ("don't you just want to be with me? We haven't had a date in a while..., etc.") I equate it to living w/ Jeckyll and Hyde. When I try to have a conversation regarding the "inconsistencies" it is definitely met w/ resistance and defensiveness and often, it is easier for me to "shut down."
I have a lot more I could say and recently he sent me a huge text saying how he knows he needs to "make it up to me" and how he wants to "make me fall in love with him again..." however, these things have not been said to me face to face...he says he is "scared" of me and "how my eyes look" and how if I ever leave "life will not be worth living anymore."
I feel I am damned if I do, damned if I don't.
He is supposed to start and intensive outpatient mental health program tomorrow for 2 weeks. He told me that if there is not a guarantee that I will be there in the end, why should he even go. He NEEDS to go, this behavior is affecting his life, health, his job, his daughter, and those that care so much for him...but also, I have lost a lot of myself and my mental health has suffered drastically.
He says "I am going to change" and "everything is going to be different, I'm going to be a new man!" but, like, he doesn't even know who HE is...I have heard all of the above before and promises have been broken so much over the last 5+ years. Will this intensive outpatient help? How do I fall in love with my BPD husband again when right now I feel alone, resentful, and just...sad?
