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Author Topic: Thinking about my wedding day...  (Read 79 times)
WalkbyFaith
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 71


« on: June 22, 2022, 02:41:09 PM »

I woke up during the night thinking of my wedding day (which was 7.5 years ago) -- more specifically, my uBPD mother's behavior surrounding it, as well as her interpretation of the events more recently.

Hoping to write some of this out to help me process it, as I'm not really quite sure why it's been on my mind.

Recently, my mom said to me (again), that every time something didn't go my way with wedding planning, I got mad and accused her and my dad of being "against me" or "not supporting me."
I only remember / have written record of saying something this one time. It was when she threw a fit about the wedding date. My fiance and I were living in a different state and would be coming back to get married in my hometown, near the holidays, then moving back to our new home, so there was a whole timeline to consider. She didn't like the timeline we wanted, and was very dramatic about it. At that point I did say "I don't feel supported."

After the date was set, she also threw a dramatic fit about the time of day I wanted to hold the ceremony. Because it would be too difficult for her to get up and get ready that early (she does have a chronic health condition). I honestly don't remember if I protested at all that time, or if I just let her have her way.

Somewhere in the midst of the rehearsal, decorating, etc, apparently my new MIL and SIL (both of whom had just met my mom) made comments asking "is she always like this?"  I heard about that later. Apparently she got stressed enough to let her public mask down and they saw a little bit of her true self.

About two months after the wedding, she and I were in a conflict about something else, and the wedding came up again... some of her statements were:

"I continued to push on to help you with your wedding despite being very sick and completely exhausted, and with you checking out and accusing me of pressuring you about your wedding"
I don't remember accusing her of pressuring me. To be honest, I distinctly remember her and my sister (a golden child) having this conflict during my sister's wedding planning back in 2010 or so. She does, however, have a tendency to feel responsibility for and try to control every detail of things.

"I got up at the rehearsal dinner, and I greeted every one of the [hubby's family] guests individually, though I felt like I would collapse at any moment. Yes, I know I didn't have to, but it was love. When you love, you give until it hurts."

"I got through your wedding, doing everything in my power to make it as perfect as possible. I entertained your out of town guests that night, because we wanted to, out of love."

So much guilt-tripping!! Side note -- I didn't know that they were inviting my out-of-town guests over to their house that evening after the wedding, and I was honestly embarrassed when I found out that happened. My parents' house was stalled halfway through a renovation project, concrete living room floors, and besides that, it always reeks of unkempt dogs and litter box.

She also doesn't mention that in the midst of her "getting through my wedding without collapsing," that she got up and did a line dance with me and all my girlfriends on the dance floor -- clearly the oldest person up there. Also embarrassing.

I'm not even sure what I'm looking for here, just really wanted to write it all out to make sense of it. It makes me angry that she was so controlling over my wedding day and yet afterward (and STILL) wants to remind me of all the sacrifices she made "for my sake" and accuse me of being difficult and ungrateful about it.
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Riv3rW0lf
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Confidential
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Estranged; Complicated
Posts: 520



« Reply #1 on: June 22, 2022, 06:54:08 PM »

I woke up during the night thinking of my wedding day (which was 7.5 years ago) -- more specifically, my uBPD mother's behavior surrounding it, as well as her interpretation of the events more recently.

Hoping to write some of this out to help me process it, as I'm not really quite sure why it's been on my mind.


I'd like to help you process Smiling (click to insert in post)


Recently, my mom said to me (again), that every time something didn't go my way with wedding planning, I got mad and accused her and my dad of being "against me" or "not supporting me."
I only remember / have written record of saying something this one time. It was when she threw a fit about the wedding date. My fiance and I were living in a different state and would be coming back to get married in my hometown, near the holidays, then moving back to our new home, so there was a whole timeline to consider. She didn't like the timeline we wanted, and was very dramatic about it. At that point I did say "I don't feel supported."


I always find it interesting how they can turn against us our own feelings. "I do not feel supported." is not an attack, it was your truth and I am guessing there were a lot of reasons for it.

I do not feel supported by my mother either. And I think the reason behind it is simple: she cannot even support herself. So any attempt to lay on her, to ask her for support or to point out her lack thereof, is immediately turned against me as ungratefulness. I am ungrateful for everything she did for me. She literally wrote me : "you have a right to punish me for helping you." Like that's my main goal in life: punishing her. What the...

Your mother was probably not supportive, and in any healthy relationship, I am guessing the answer would have been something more like :

You are right... This is a big day for you, and it is a stressful event with lots of things to think about and I haven't made it easy with my requests. I am just so very excited for it all that I forget it really is your special day. I am sorry, honey. I will try and do better.

That's what I would have told my own daughter... And what I imagine a woman I really deeply loved would have told you.

But alas, this is not something our mothers can do for us... What I am doing these days is summoning a loving mother in my mind, and have her talk to me... I find it very healing. It is not my mother, but rather a version of her with no illness I made up for myself... And she talks in English for some reasons (I am french, so it is a bit weird)... I think I based her on the woman I mentioned, who used to be my daughter's nanny. Loved her very much, she showed me what a good grandmother and mother is. It really is only me parenting myself but it helps to  have this imaginary mother talk with my mother's faults and past too. It gives a sense to all of it, like explaining to myself how all this pain also shaped me into who I am today...


After the date was set, she also threw a dramatic fit about the time of day I wanted to hold the ceremony. Because it would be too difficult for her to get up and get ready that early (she does have a chronic health condition). I honestly don't remember if I protested at all that time, or if I just let her have her way.


You are showing empathy, you understand her ailment. I reckon what hurt there is not so much the request, but how it was requested.The drama... It is stress inducing, during a day that is already stressful.

I find some of the things my mother requests of me could often be done, I wouldn't mind, it is the way she requests it, like it is due and I should have known... Except, how could I? From 0 to 100, and they assume we do it on purpose when we just didn't think about it... I often had to remind my mother that I am not her ennemy and that my objective is never to hurt her, nor to make her life difficult.

.

Somewhere in the midst of the rehearsal, decorating, etc, apparently my new MIL and SIL (both of whom had just met my mom) made comments asking "is she always like this?"  I heard about that later. Apparently she got stressed enough to let her public mask down and they saw a little bit of her true self.


Did your mother tell you that? My mother lies sometimes... She has those stories she builds in her mind, trying to create wedges between people. It might be true they said tha, but it might also be standard Karpman triangle with a lie in the center, hoping you will feel bad for her and rescue her from the persecutor....

My mother does not like me having a good relationship with my mother in law, and even less so with my father's wife. She is jealous, she sees it as a sign I will abandon her for someone else. She feels a need to compete.

For her, love cannot be shared. If I love someone else, she sees it as less love for her.


About two months after the wedding, she and I were in a conflict about something else, and the wedding came up again... some of her statements were:

"I continued to push on to help you with your wedding despite being very sick and completely exhausted, and with you checking out and accusing me of pressuring you about your wedding"
I don't remember accusing her of pressuring me. To be honest, I distinctly remember her and my sister (a golden child) having this conflict during my sister's wedding planning back in 2010 or so. She does, however, have a tendency to feel responsibility for and try to control every detail of things.

"I got up at the rehearsal dinner, and I greeted every one of the [hubby's family] guests individually, though I felt like I would collapse at any moment. Yes, I know I didn't have to, but it was love. When you love, you give until it hurts."

"I got through your wedding, doing everything in my power to make it as perfect as possible. I entertained your out of town guests that night, because we wanted to, out of love."

So much guilt-tripping!! Side note -- I didn't know that they were inviting my out-of-town guests over to their house that evening after the wedding, and I was honestly embarrassed when I found out that happened. My parents' house was stalled halfway through a renovation project, concrete living room floors, and besides that, it always reeks of unkempt dogs and litter box.




She also doesn't mention that in the midst of her "getting through my wedding without collapsing," that she got up and did a line dance with me and all my girlfriends on the dance floor -- clearly the oldest person up there. Also embarrassing.

I'm not even sure what I'm looking for here, just really wanted to write it all out to make sense of it. It makes me angry that she was so controlling over my wedding day and yet afterward (and STILL) wants to remind me of all the sacrifices she made "for my sake" and accuse me of being difficult and ungrateful about it.
[/quote]

And always a string attached... You know what? When my daughter gets married, I will do those things out of pleasure for her, not so that I can use it against her later on.

This is incredible, how they think they are helping us, and don't even realize they are using their LOVE as a freaking WEAPON against us !!!  

She is using your wedding day, of all days, against you, to guiltrip you. And the worst is, now when you think about your wedding day, you might think of her and her guiltripping. Instead of the good things of that day....

My advice for you : Don't let her modify your memories, and for your self, focus on the good parts of the day, on your husband, on what felt good, on real love and the people who really were happy for you.

Side note: the story about her inviting your out of town guests to her house without telling you made me cringe. Any chance she was actually jealous and wanted to steal the light from you? I just get a weird vibe with this very specific move 

« Last Edit: June 22, 2022, 07:08:45 PM by Riv3rW0lf » Logged
lm1109
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Posts: 135



« Reply #2 on: June 23, 2022, 08:35:04 PM »

I don't have much to add here WalkbyFaith...just wanted to send some support and let you know that I understand  both the experience and the waking up and needing to process memories:hug:

My husband and I eloped...I knew better than to have a wedding. However, my Mom made all of my births about her!! My middle son was the worst. She threw a fit at my house on the DAY I came home from giving birth in FRONT of my In Laws....I was mortified!!! My nephew was about 9 or 10 at the time and he had been staying at our house for the summer(he lived in another state and stayed with us in the summers) he asked if he could stay at our house and I told him that it would be best to stay with Grandma and Grandpa(my parents) since I had just given birth and had a 4 year old and a newborn that would be up throughout the night. He got upset and said that they never played with him. I explained to him that with a newborn and no sleep we wouldn't be much fun...I told him he could bring the boardgames we played with him to their house and told him they would play with him. My Mom flipped out and told me that I had turned him into a spoiled brat(because we played games & watched movies with him!!) She screamed at him that if he didn't want to stay with them then she wasn't taking him and told me to deal with it. My Dad ended up "defusing" it and they took him for a few nights and I felt horrible he had to stay there and sent my husband to go get him!! I remember how everytime a friend would talk about their Moms staying and helping them with their newborn baby...I would think about that day...it should've been one of the happiest days bringing my new baby home and instead I cried and felt guilty!!! BPDs(or at least mine) seem to have a way of sucking the joy right out of joyful occasions and making it all about them!!!! It's still such a painful memory for me!!!
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