Were you their "rock," "provider," etc and then trying to "control" them?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Did your ex call you their "rock" or something similar, their provider, and love you for it. Then, in the devaluation/splitting black twist that to that you were "controlling" them because you really were their rock and provider and didn't want to watch them destroy themselves with impulsive behavior?

[WhatToDo47]

Did your ex call you their "rock" or something similar, their provider, and love you for it. Then, in the devaluation/splitting black twist that to that you were "controlling" them because you really were their rock and provider and didn't want to watch them destroy themselves with impulsive behavior?

[Turkish]

I was rubbing her neck once when dating and she recoiled and said, "I don't like that, it feels like you're trying to control me!"

Me: what in the... 

She later appreciated me for not trying to control her.  That was juxtaposed by she saying that she needed someone to "lead her and guide her," and in that "you failed."

After two kids and when she left me for a young guy 10 years her junior, a college football jock, and 20 years mine, she threw a bone in that she never faulted me for being a Provider. I saw that as a split in needs as both of us men were providing her with what she needed at the time. He failed at Provider and she grew to resent him and their marriage collapsed due to that and other reasons.

So my story isn't the same as yours exactly, but there's a common theme (or themes), yes?

[lovingmyself1st]

Hi whattodo47,

Sorry you’re going through this. This is tough stuff for us to wrap our minds around.

My ex started feeling like I was either controlling, parenting, smothering her at some points also. She told me that I sometimes treated her like a child & it made her feel like I was smothering her. Of course as her partner, I didn’t want her to feel that way. So When I asked for examples so I could be more aware of my behavior, this is what she said:

- one time at a lake with friends, I suggested she put some sunscreen on. She said this made her feel like I was treating her like a child & she was embarrassed because we were with friends

- one time I offered to help her while she was making homemade pasta. She said she will ask for help if she needs it.

- She told me I compliment and affirm her too much, and it feels smothering.

Those were the only examples she could give.  She just said when I’m too helpful it makes her feel like I’m suggesting she can’t do the things.

Confusing to try to understand, impossible to navigate.

[Stolen]

It's their toggle switch at play.  For decades I was lauded with "Thank God for Stolen, otherwise I would wind up like the rest of my family."

And then, toggle to "I need to get away from your control!"

For the life of me, I couldn't figure out what it was that I was controlling.  I pushed on this for quite a while: "what in the world am I controlling?"

I finally got my answer, putting my mind at ease: "Well, when I let the kids eat in the basement, I always worry that you are going to yell at me like my mother."

Seeing the flock of cuckoos circling, I knew the situation itself had toggled to unrecoverable.  So scary, but fascinating at the same time, to see someone who thought you knew for almost 3 decades turn into an absolute stranger.

[WhatToDo47]

These replies are so helpful. Thanks, everyone!

One more that I just thought of, once my wife left but while I was still under the impression she was just at her parents' "cooling off" and would return in a week or so, she said she was going out with a female friend from college (who knew and supported me and our marriage). I said "can you please let me know when you make it home safely?" which is something I would say often and she complimented me many times for it and being a gentleman. Her response? "I'm not a little kid!" in a kid voice. Really.

I said okay and we hung up.

Then, a few hours later, I got a text "made it home safe" and we had a whole conversation about how it went, etc.

This friend ended up cutting my ex out of her life (according to my ex) because my ex started to make such destructive and harmful choices (such as leaving and divorcing me for no reason that makes sense to a non BPD mind).

So frustrating. I have so many of these stories.

[Riv3rW0lf]

My mother used me as her therapist, telling me how strong and rational I am, I guess that was her way of calling me "her rock". She would call me when she was emotionally dysregulated with someone else, probably because she found me helpful to calm her down... I was parenting her, basically, without siding with or against the perceived persecutor.

But then, when I protect myself and set a limit, my rationality and my strength, she said, scare her. Suddenly she feels too small for me, and she says I am like my father (whom she resents).

So all my life I was her rock when she needed me, and when I was going along. But the second I ask she don't do something that is hurtful, I become an emotionless, rational, dry and scary person.

She recently told me she didn't want to give me power over her anymore because I asked for a break in our relationship to heal from childhood traumas. I found interesting how she framed it, like I somehow try to control her. But I don't. She is my mother, I don't see how and why I would want to control her. What I want is be free to live my life without her constant need of my attention.

So I think this applies even outside love relationships and it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the vibe she gets from you. Are you more on the rational/scientific side? Grounded? Looking at both sides of a picture before taking a decision?

My mother is aware how emotional she is, and I think she envies more rational people. She is attracted to them for this specific reason, because they ground her, and is also resentful of them because they can never truly understand her.

[lisasimpson]

Yup - it was probably one of the signs I missed that I had been devalued/ painted black. I went from being her rock to a boring and controlling person in her eyes. She sent me a twitter thread about personality types and claimed she was the people pleaser type. When I asked her what one she thought I was, she said the controlling one but because of the descriptor for the childhood experience. I followed up and asked her if she thought I was controlling. She paused for a really long time and said no half heartedly. Ouch .

When I feel anger with this, I try to remember all the times I accommodated her needs and asked her what her needs were. I know I always asked, never assumed, so anything I did for her was at her request.

[SinisterComplex]

Think of being their rock as being their emotional dumpster to dump all of the weight they don't want to deal with on you. If you can approach with that perspective it is much easier to keep up proper boundaries. If you don't keep boundaries strong you will be projected upon and most likely end up getting hurt or as what typically happens...devastated.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[WhatToDo47]

All of that is so helpful and, sadly, so familiar. It's nice to know that it doesn't just happen in romantic relationships, but sorry to hear that you all have had to go through that.

Yup I am super rational and don't become overly emotional about anything. At first, she loved this about me and then, like all of you, it became "controlling" and "abusive."

And all for doing exactly what we agreed to for ourselves and with her therapist.

This thread is great and helpful validation and will help me see red flags in the future.

Thank you all and I hope everyone here stays their amazing selves and doesn't lose themselves!