Lack of communication from parents

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I'm in my thirties and struggling to know how to keep in touch with my parents. How can I live my best life with BPD mom and enabling dad inconsistently communicating? I'd like to stop thinking about their lack of response to email, video, cards and birthday and holiday gifts, and focus more on my life. My loving husband has told me "send them whatever you can, when you want, and don't worry about the quality of their response or silence...just send a little light into the world and let them know you're doing OK, and that is enough." This really isn't working for me.

Sometimes I hear from either of them in a text or email, more often mom than dad.

As far as I'm aware, there hasn't been a disagreement between us or any reason for them to be unresponsive either lately or for the past decade or so. They are both caught up in mom's BPD behaviors, but I don't know why they don't respond (wide variety of possibilities). My husband and I got no response to our Mother's Day video we sent last year, and nothing from either of them in reply to an email about our awesome wedding anniversary trip with photos. I mailed them a small package of my best artwork because a year or so ago Dad wanted to buy some of my art for his office (but never ordered) so I mailed it as a gift, and got no reply. I send cards on special occasions and usually receive only silence. I offered to call mom when grandma died, in case she needed support, but she declined. It took me a little over a year to get my birth certificate for a new driver's license our country requested, because they wouldn't respond when I asked for it.

I do appreciate the silences because it's less drama from them (they mostly share how miserable their life is, or if I'm communicating with just one of them, they often focus on how terrible their marriage is - has always been bad). But sometimes they communicate about neutral everyday things, too, like pets, gardens, food, work etc.

I don't like the silences because I really don't know if my parents are still alive and healthy for months at a time. I worry one or both of them is mad at me for an unknown reason. I also don't like the silence because it feels cruel, sometimes, like somehow they disapprove of me or whatever happy thing I've shared, or simply that I'm not worth their time. Since my parents mostly don't tell me something important, like a death in the family, relatives are surprised when they find out I don't know - and it makes me worry that they might think I went no contact. (I don't talk to relatives about either parent, or ask what was said about me) I'm also trying to decide if I should bother reaching out to my parents at all if they are going to not bother with a simple quick response like "congratulations" or "thanks for the gifts" or "glad to hear you recovered from your illness."

I'm not sure they WANT me to be communicating? The occasional "how are you doing" text message or email from them sharing about their own life is confusing; do they or don't they want to be in contact? Mom has complained to Dad that she doesn't have as good a mother-daughter relationship with me as she wants, that we don't talk enough and blames me for that...but then she ignores my attempts to stay in touch sometimes, with no fight or reason for it. Sometimes she responds with silence, other times she responds with over-the-top "this was the best card ever, thank you so much for being a wonderful daughter, I LOVE this card, it is perfect etc" Dad's said throughout the years that he "always feels better after hearing from me and knowing I'm ok" but then why does he not respond 9 times out of 10? When we haven't spoken for a long time and finally get on the phone, why does he seem not to care how I'm doing and only want to talk about mom's abusing him?

Is this common with BPD families? Maybe some of you have a better frame of mind to use day-to-day when people affected by BPD are responding inconsistently. It's honestly driving me crazy and gets worse every year. I'm trying to have a distant but peaceable regular communication with both parents, and they behave both as if they want that and don't want that, while also saying I don't keep in touch enough.
 

[Teabunny]

I'm in my thirties and struggling to know how to keep in touch with my parents. How can I live my best life with BPD mom and enabling dad inconsistently communicating? I'd like to stop thinking about their lack of response to email, video, cards and birthday and holiday gifts, and focus more on my life. My loving husband has told me "send them whatever you can, when you want, and don't worry about the quality of their response or silence...just send a little light into the world and let them know you're doing OK, and that is enough." This really isn't working for me.

Sometimes I hear from either of them in a text or email, more often mom than dad.

As far as I'm aware, there hasn't been a disagreement between us or any reason for them to be unresponsive either lately or for the past decade or so. They are both caught up in mom's BPD behaviors, but I don't know why they don't respond (wide variety of possibilities). My husband and I got no response to our Mother's Day video we sent last year, and nothing from either of them in reply to an email about our awesome wedding anniversary trip with photos. I mailed them a small package of my best artwork because a year or so ago Dad wanted to buy some of my art for his office (but never ordered) so I mailed it as a gift, and got no reply. I send cards on special occasions and usually receive only silence. I offered to call mom when grandma died, in case she needed support, but she declined. It took me a little over a year to get my birth certificate for a new driver's license our country requested, because they wouldn't respond when I asked for it.

I do appreciate the silences because it's less drama from them (they mostly share how miserable their life is, or if I'm communicating with just one of them, they often focus on how terrible their marriage is - has always been bad). But sometimes they communicate about neutral everyday things, too, like pets, gardens, food, work etc.

I don't like the silences because I really don't know if my parents are still alive and healthy for months at a time. I worry one or both of them is mad at me for an unknown reason. I also don't like the silence because it feels cruel, sometimes, like somehow they disapprove of me or whatever happy thing I've shared, or simply that I'm not worth their time. Since my parents mostly don't tell me something important, like a death in the family, relatives are surprised when they find out I don't know - and it makes me worry that they might think I went no contact. (I don't talk to relatives about either parent, or ask what was said about me) I'm also trying to decide if I should bother reaching out to my parents at all if they are going to not bother with a simple quick response like "congratulations" or "thanks for the gifts" or "glad to hear you recovered from your illness."

I'm not sure they WANT me to be communicating? The occasional "how are you doing" text message or email from them sharing about their own life is confusing; do they or don't they want to be in contact? Mom has complained to Dad that she doesn't have as good a mother-daughter relationship with me as she wants, that we don't talk enough and blames me for that...but then she ignores my attempts to stay in touch sometimes, with no fight or reason for it. Sometimes she responds with silence, other times she responds with over-the-top "this was the best card ever, thank you so much for being a wonderful daughter, I LOVE this card, it is perfect etc" Dad's said throughout the years that he "always feels better after hearing from me and knowing I'm ok" but then why does he not respond 9 times out of 10? When we haven't spoken for a long time and finally get on the phone, why does he seem not to care how I'm doing and only want to talk about mom's abusing him?

Is this common with BPD families? Maybe some of you have a better frame of mind to use day-to-day when people affected by BPD are responding inconsistently. It's honestly driving me crazy and gets worse every year. I'm trying to have a distant but peaceable regular communication with both parents, and they behave both as if they want that and don't want that, while also saying I don't keep in touch enough.
 

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi Teabunny,

Yes, before things escalated with my BPD mother to no contact, I also noticed she doesn't call nor messages. She expects us to do it, and she has a very strict idea in mind of "how much she wants us to call and texts." It had to be at least under a week between every call to keep her "happy". Sometimes more if she was dysregulated, else she would say hurtful things.

My BPD mother rarely calls when we are in good terms. She texted when things fell appart to guiltrip me about my children, but on good terms she waits for our calls... But she has an internal timer. The less we call, the more she will say we don't care about her and builds resentment, so when we send something, if her resentment bucket is full, she might not call to say thank you either, and we have to ask if she got it for exemple...

That's what I observed anyway on my end.

Did she often use silence treatments on you when you were young? Do you find this silence triggering emotionally too? It could be about emotional power over you too. A way to keep you guessing, interested... We have to remember, they are our mother... Disordered or not, they know exactly how to make us tick.

[Notwendy]

I don't know exactly why your parents don't communicate regularly, but in context of my parents, they didn't do a lot of things regularly in terms of a routine after Dad retired. I also think the focus was on my mother and there was a lot of drama with her. I think that leaves people in crisis mode. On your part, time is regular. It's possible your parents just go days, or weeks, with a different sense of time.

After Dad passed away, a friend recommended I call BPD mother once a week on a schedule. This way she knew I would call her and on my part, I had some kind of regular contact. I don't know if this mattered to her. She has basically disowned me at the time. ( and re-owned me later )I just felt that a regular attempt to call her would work for me.

Lately though, she's often been busy when I call. Recently, I have begun to call less often, mostly as there isn't much to say to her. I feel like drama is a basis for her relationships and we don't have much drama these days. I also think she mainly sees me as useful to her. I don't think she has much attachment to me, and I am not sure she ever did and I don't know if it matters to her if I call or not. I guess I call because it matters to me.

I think what you are experiencing is a lack of reciprocity, the give and take of relationships. If one looks at the relationship board, this seems to be common. One person (the partner) is doing most of the maintenance of the family- working, child care, housework. Yet, the pwBPD doesn't seem to be concerned about this imbalance. It's the pwBPD who feels things are unfair.

I don't think all relationships are 50/50 but there's some give and take, even with casual friendships. I can recall asking a friend for a favor- like checking on the house if we are out of town and then, when they go out of town, I do the same for them. Likewise with phone calls. Sometimes they call me, sometimes I call them. It's not all one way. For some reason, a relationship with someone with BPD can seem skewed in this sense.

I think your H is right in his advice- you make the contact according to your level of comfort. Where you are disappointed is the lack of reciprocity from your parents. They don't seem to understand your need to hear back from them- but it's also maybe they are so focused on their own issues - this isn't in their mindset. I think it's the normal expectation that bothers you, but your parents aren't "normal" in that sense.

I get it though. I had a friend from work who I saw regularly. Then she took another job. I tried to keep up the friendship but the effort to contact her was all on me. It bothered me that she didn't contact me or seem interested in getting together. I stopped reaching out and she has not contacted me since. It might be that she is just busy. It's also that she left the job due to not being happy there- and may just want to cut ties with people there altogether. I don't think it's due to anything about me. We got along fine. But I don't want a one way friendship.

It's different with parents and family members. We may worry about them. My best advice is similar to your H's. You contact them on the basis you need to. You send them what you feel you want to- no matter what their response is. If I send flowers to my mother, she may keep them, she may throw them out, but I still know I did. Send your parents what you feel you want to but know, their lack of response is not about you.

[Teabunny]

I'm really glad my parents don't call me once/week or reach out regularly in other ways, the way that normal friend/family mutual balanced relationships work. That would bring more drama into my life. But they expect that I respond to their problems and communications, always, while they seem to ignore much of mine (gifts, cards, emails, videos etc) while blaming me for the poor relationship being what it is because I'm not keeping in touch enough. It's unfair, but also makes anything administrative difficult, and feels emotionally harmful - being ignored if I have something to celebrate, or not told if someone close to me has died, for instance.

Thank you for reinforcing what my H said, and that it's not about me. It's impossible to have normal communication with disordered people, you're right.

My parents aren't retired, but Mom hasn't worked for a decade or two. (Oddly, she said she "gave up her career" to have me and be a good mother because it was the most important thing to her, but she worked jobs when I was a newborn, toddler, child and teen, then stopped working after I left home.)

I don't ever remember either parent giving me the silent treatment. It was more like neglect than "not speaking" to me for any duration. I think mom gave dad the silent treatment, maybe. But I do find their silence triggering, yes.

As an experiment, yesterday I emailed Mom again, only addressing it to her because she appears to hate Dad and doesn't like us communicating. I also didn't share anything about my life, all I wrote was "thinking of you" and empathizing and sympathizing with her, and asked her about her various jobs she had throughout life. While she never responded to my photo-rich wedding anniversary trip email nor my artwork that I mailed her, and it's been over a month now - it took her about an hour to reply to yesterday's email talking about how she was crying and life is hard without grandma, and describing her work history (that she supposedly gave up to become a mom).

[Riv3rW0lf]

How did it make you feel? That she responded so fast to an email about her,  which contrasts with her lack of response when it is more about you?

[Teabunny]

Since this pattern of inconsistent communication from them isn't new...it's a familiar emotional cocktail of indignant, invisible, anxious, angry, worthless, confused, relieved she hasn't yet killed herself successfully and isn't institutionalized.

I find myself questioning all the reasons I still bother keeping in touch (as does my husband LOL). My assumption is that she loves me and will worry if she doesn't hear from me...but is that true? She's inconsistent in caring. I think it might hurt her if I don't provide at least my usual distant support, but since she still blames me, and is wrapped up in herself, the support might not really matter to her. And I've questioned my entire life whether I love her enough to keep contact or not; probably at some biological level, but consciously the only feeling I have towards her is fear.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Since this pattern of inconsistent communication from them isn't new...it's a familiar emotional cocktail of indignant, invisible, anxious, angry, worthless, confused, relieved she hasn't yet killed herself successfully and isn't institutionalized.

I find myself questioning all the reasons I still bother keeping in touch (as does my husband LOL). My assumption is that she loves me and will worry if she doesn't hear from me...but is that true? She's inconsistent in caring. I think it might hurt her if I don't provide at least my usual distant support, but since she still blames me, and is wrapped up in herself, the support might not really matter to her. And I've questioned my entire life whether I love her enough to keep contact or not; probably at some biological level, but consciously the only feeling I have towards her is fear.

I understand all too well... This is something we all have to figure out for ourselves. You seem to currently have the same approach as Notwendy and LivednLearned. They seem, to me anyway, to have achieved a good balance of continuing living without too much rumination and negative emotions, with one foot in the relationship and one foot out... I wish I could achieve that but I've come to peace recently with the fact that I can't. Not right now anyway, not with the kind of triangulation my mother does with my young children... The constant need I feel to protect them is just too much for me to remain in contact with her... So I ended it. I am therefore biased.

It is the kind of relationship that is more about their needs, isn't it? My mother doesn't know me, and I've come to peace with the fact that truly, in our relationship, I am the mother. LOL I guess I am the kind of mother who decided to let her live her life and learn the natural consequences of her actions and words.

Sending you lots of support Teabunny.

[Teabunny]

Thank you!

I think it's a problem of mental framing. The inconsistency makes it hard for me to live day-to-day with a consistent understanding, i.e. Yes my parents care about hearing from me, or No my parents don't; i.e. Yes they will respond because they are happy for me or they know the document I need is important, or No they won't respond even months later. There are many contradictions. It's kind of like rolling dice?

Maybe I need a daily frame that accommodates this inconsistency rather than trying to understand the disordered behavior or their intentions behind it. Then I need to decide how much reaching out to them with no response from them that I can tolerate emotionally, and be more careful about it.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I recently realized that my mother raised me to be a mind-reader, more specifically her mind-reader. But I am currently working in de-learning this tendency, and to assume that if someone wants me to know something, they have to say it.

And I found this new mindset is helping me tremendously in feeling better in all my relationships.

I am not, ever, responsible to guess someone else's intentions and needs (unless they are young children). If they need something, they should say it, and when I need something, I also have to say it.

So using your exemples, if you need an important document and they are failing to answer : I would put pressure, because your need is urgent and it doesn't change much for them, in the end.

If you write them, it has to be because you felt like doing it, but with no expectations from them, because once you sent your letter, the remainder of the communication is THEIR power. Whatever their reaction is, it is not your responsibility to guess their needs or intentions. If they want something, they can ask it, and then your answer will be yours. If they don't answer, then assume they are busy and it ends there. No underlying message.

We have been trained to see an underlying message, and we know, often, what they mean... But treating them like strangers you know nothing about when they don't answer, I think it can help ease the emotional response we have... "They are probably just busy. Too bad! Some other time then!"

In abusive families, everyone is everywhere, taking care of everyone else's business, projecting their fears on others, trying to mitigate the chaos and pain... I think part of the healing process is learning to stop the mind-reading and to stay within ourselves. The mind reading seems to lead to ruminating as well, so all the more reasons to stop it.

I like your idea of defining how many times to reach out to them and stop before feeling emotionally drained, because it involves what is in your power, dealing with your own emotional needs and stopping caretaking their 'potential' needs, which anyway they are not conveying.

[Teabunny]

Yes, I agree, much of your experiences with mind-reading are spot on!

I wrote up a list of points to remind myself whenever I'm about to give my parents the next gift or update which I feel is important for me to do every month or so.

1.   You’re not selfish if you go about your daily business without regard to their self-inflicted suffering.
2.   They may or may not love you in a healthy normal way. You can’t know this because of their inconsistent behavior since birth; you must learn to live within this uncertainty. You are worthy of love, regardless.
3.   They may or may not enjoy or want your updates or gifts, even if they asked for something specific and you provided it, then received no response. Again, uncertainty. But you’ve done nothing wrong.
4.   They may or may not actually receive your communications, whether through tech problems or disordered deleting and trashing of things. Again, uncertainty. But YOU know you sent it.
5.   Stop sharing anything that may put you at risk emotionally.
a.   Your Dad is a not a safe person. He’s enmeshed, enabling, and triangulating, as well as neglecting you. He will do whatever it takes to get a little less abuse from Mom temporarily.
b.   Your Mom is not a safe person. She’s BPD, often dysregulated, abusive to Dad, abused you as a child and will abuse you if given the chance, and blames you. She may respond illogically to your joy and accomplishments.
6.   If you send a card, gift, email, video, flowers etc. you may or may not receive any response.
a.   Do not expect a response even to questions.
b.   If you get a positive response, this is not evidence that they care or are healthy. They will likely ignore you again soon. They may do or say something harmful soon.
7.   There is no magic formula to win their love and healthy attention.
8.   Stop wanting your parents to behave like parents (concerned for you and each other, happy for you, interested in you, glad to have you in their life, wanting to help you succeed, etc)
9.   Continue focusing on healthy people who respond normally, and get those parent-y needs met elsewhere.
10.   Continue self-parenting. Tell yourself: good for you, building a healthy marriage for 16 years! Good you got over being sick! Congrats on that thing you did.
11.   Do not expect acknowledgement, support, advice, love or concern. Do not expect them to be involved in your life at all. Their priority is each other, in sick ways.
12.   Quit speculating on all the Why’s. Again, living with uncertainty. Put that energy into living the best life.
13.   Quit hoping that either of them will make healthy decisions and be happy someday. You be happy today.
14.   Do not make contacting them about them i.e. making sure they don’t worry about me, cheering them up, etc. Make it about you - spreading joy even if they receive it negatively, informing them of anything important, being what you consider to be a good daughter by not forever ignoring them. Focus on your own values.
15. It's probably true that some authority will contact you if something happens to either or both parents, but even if not, that's not really your business anyway. Give yourself permission to stop worrying about them.
16. Keep enjoying their silence, even though it sometimes hurts, because it really is a gift in many ways.

[WalkbyFaith]

Teabunny, that is a fabulous list. I'm glad you made it for yourself and hope it really practically helps you as you process this. I may adopt some of your list for myself as it's really helpful!

I also wanted to just chime in and say I understand where you're coming from. One of my frustrations/hurts for years has been that my family members VERY rarely acknowledge or say thank you for gifts I send, even though I have been consistent about sending thoughtful, personal gifts for all their birthdays and Christmas. Last Christmas I sent a special delivery of gourmet ice cream, and all I got was a "thumbs up" on facebook messenger. Anyway, that's just my one example but I understand the hurt of not being acknowledged.

Riverwolf, your last post was spot-on. Thank you.

I recently realized that my mother raised me to be a mind-reader, more specifically her mind-reader. But I am currently working in de-learning this tendency, and to assume that if someone wants me to know something, they have to say it.

And I found this new mindset is helping me tremendously in feeling better in all my relationships.

I am not, ever, responsible to guess someone else's intentions and needs (unless they are young children). If they need something, they should say it, and when I need something, I also have to say it.

YES.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I'm glad I could help.  

I will also be keeping a few points on that list.

Today is my mother's birthday, and a few of those points helped ease the guilt of not calling her, since she also made it clear in her last email she was done. I opened the door to family therapy but she never agreed to it, and preferred the blaming and victim state. It is her decision. I vowed to defend my inner child, and I did. Without aggression, but with strong boundaries and by refusing to validate the invalid.

A lot of my pain is actually about my stepfather, so point number 5a on the list was a good reminder that while he loves me and I love him : he is not a safe person for me and will blame and guiltrip me if given the chance. Because his role is to stand by my mother. No matter how abusive and dysregulated she is. I might call him at some point while she is at work, but I will first need to be strong enough for it.

There is one magic formula to be "loved" though : forget ourselves, our needs, our sanity and become an extension of our BPD mothers.   I think we can all agree this is not happening!

 

[IsThisRealLife?]

Teabunny, I can definitely relate to this with my BPD mother. When she complains that I never call her or invite her over, I point out that it works both ways. She NEVER calls me or invites me over to her house. Her response is always that I am the daughter and she is my mother. I don’t need to be invited to the house nor should she call me. I tell her that it makes me feel like she doesn’t care, but she continues to argue that mothers don’t need to reach out. I’ve learned to accept that if I didn’t call, I would never hear from her. So I tend to call and check in every Friday afternoon on my way home from work. Conversation is easy because I can talk about my week and what I am doing on the weekend. (Although I am usually interrupted with a story she wants to tell). The one call a week makes me feel better that I am doing my part, even if our conversations are curt. Whatever helps you sleep better at night is what you should do!

[lm1109]

1.   You’re not selfish if you go about your daily business without regard to their self-inflicted suffering.
2.   They may or may not love you in a healthy normal way. You can’t know this because of their inconsistent behavior since birth; you must learn to live within this uncertainty. You are worthy of love, regardless.
3.   They may or may not enjoy or want your updates or gifts, even if they asked for something specific and you provided it, then received no response. Again, uncertainty. But you’ve done nothing wrong.
4.   They may or may not actually receive your communications, whether through tech problems or disordered deleting and trashing of things. Again, uncertainty. But YOU know you sent it.
5.   Stop sharing anything that may put you at risk emotionally.
a.   Your Dad is a not a safe person. He’s enmeshed, enabling, and triangulating, as well as neglecting you. He will do whatever it takes to get a little less abuse from Mom temporarily.
b.   Your Mom is not a safe person. She’s BPD, often dysregulated, abusive to Dad, abused you as a child and will abuse you if given the chance, and blames you. She may respond illogically to your joy and accomplishments.
6.   If you send a card, gift, email, video, flowers etc. you may or may not receive any response.
a.   Do not expect a response even to questions.
b.   If you get a positive response, this is not evidence that they care or are healthy. They will likely ignore you again soon. They may do or say something harmful soon.
7.   There is no magic formula to win their love and healthy attention.
8.   Stop wanting your parents to behave like parents (concerned for you and each other, happy for you, interested in you, glad to have you in their life, wanting to help you succeed, etc)
9.   Continue focusing on healthy people who respond normally, and get those parent-y needs met elsewhere.
10.   Continue self-parenting. Tell yourself: good for you, building a healthy marriage for 16 years! Good you got over being sick! Congrats on that thing you did.
11.   Do not expect acknowledgement, support, advice, love or concern. Do not expect them to be involved in your life at all. Their priority is each other, in sick ways.
12.   Quit speculating on all the Why’s. Again, living with uncertainty. Put that energy into living the best life.
13.   Quit hoping that either of them will make healthy decisions and be happy someday. You be happy today.
14.   Do not make contacting them about them i.e. making sure they don’t worry about me, cheering them up, etc. Make it about you - spreading joy even if they receive it negatively, informing them of anything important, being what you consider to be a good daughter by not forever ignoring them. Focus on your own values.
15. It's probably true that some authority will contact you if something happens to either or both parents, but even if not, that's not really your business anyway. Give yourself permission to stop worrying about them.
16. Keep enjoying their silence, even though it sometimes hurts, because it really is a gift in many ways.

This list is amazing!

A lot of my pain is actually about my stepfather, so point number 5a on the list was a good reminder that while he loves me and I love him : he is not a safe person for me and will blame and guiltrip me if given the chance. Because his role is to stand by my mother. No matter how abusive and dysregulated she is. I might call him at some point while she is at work, but I will first need to be strong enough for it.

5a hit home really hard for me as well. Most of my pain/abandonment right now is about my Dad. I suppose this is because there was never any REAL trust between my Mom and I...I think I always kind of knew(even as a child) that we would end up this way(NC) However, I always had hope with my Dad...and that hope seems to have been wishful thinking on my part...his allegiance is to my Mom...always has been...always will be.

He’s enmeshed, enabling, and triangulating, as well as neglecting you. He will do whatever it takes to get a little less abuse from Mom temporarily.

This is SO well worded!

I recognize now that even when I was a child, that HE should have been protecting, his main goal was doing whatever it took to get a little less abuse from my Mom. He continues to do that to this day.

15. It's probably true that some authority will contact you if something happens to either or both parents, but even if not, that's not really your business anyway. Give yourself permission to stop worrying about them.
16. Keep enjoying their silence, even though it sometimes hurts, because it really is a gift in many ways

Being NC, I find these last two most helpful for me now. I have had some very deep rooted fears about something happening to my parents. I was raised(indoctrinated...really) into believing that THEY were MY responsibility...they are not...however, deprogramming this from my brain hasn't been easy. And so I also really like number one for when I find myself worrying about them... specifically the self inflicted part...

You’re not selfish if you go about your daily business without regard to their self-inflicted suffering

So true...thank you for sharing 

[lm1109]

I also just wanted to send some support to you Teabunny 

While my situation is different, I understand how hurtful the silence is. To me... especially after reading your list...it seems that you have a healthy detachment. Your disordered parent may see their inconsistent responses as their last means of "control" or way of getting a reaction out of you? They may be craving a confrontation or reaction from you?

I could be wrong...this is just an assumption based on my own parents reactions to my detachment from them.

It could also just be the familiar inconsistent love that people with PD's are known for(push away/pull back in)..either way you seem to have a great healthy grasp on handling it.

For me...I am recognizing that I can have a healthy grasp and understanding...while also giving myself some space to grieve...it's a delicate balance...and I am definitely still a work in progress!

Sending you lots of support 

[Teabunny]

I'm so glad this list is helping others too! Sometimes I feel silly putting so much time into my own healing. It makes it feel better when others benefit. Also, thanks for everyone's support!

Some of you said you, too, feel hurt when you send a thoughtful gift and it isn't acknowledged. For me that felt like it didn't really fit. How come I send things to dozens of people but it doesn't hurt if they don't acknowledge...? Lots of insights came from this:

• It depends on how close I am to someone. If we talk every week, but they don't mention receiving a gift, I'm more likely to assume it was lost in the mail (it's happened before) than that they got it but didn't want to acknowledge it. People in my inner circle aren't silent for months without some legitimate reason provided.
• My parents, being my parents, have a different place in my brain compared to the casual acquaintance who may never acknowledge a card or something. I tend to give small things like valentines to a great many people with no expectation of acknowledgement.
• The extra weirdness is that it isn't just a gift ignored once, it's a whole string of positive or important things that receive no response. Even direct questions, just ignored sometimes.
• My parents' inconsistency is the most emotionally damaging part. It would be better if they almost always or almost never responded. But because sometimes mom will gush about how 100% perfect in all the world my gift to her was, and other times dead silence, with again no reasons for it, it feels weighted. For example, in the past, my parents would rave about a so-so drawing I did - over the top praise. These past couple years, I'm achieving more than ever as an artist and have turned a corner in my career, I have legitimacy in my industry, etc, but my parents ignored the package I sent them of artworks from recent years, which makes me feel like I'm "bad" or the drawings aren't good to them, because after all they sometimes DO praise me even excessively at times. Or it could be jealousy of me. I heard jealousy is a BPD thing between mothers/daughters. My parents seemed so supportive of my art (in weird ways...like, they know what mediums I draw with, but used to buy me paints instead - I'm not a painter and have stated clearly that I don't use paints or want to learn - and when I gave the paints away to an artist who needed them but couldn't afford them, my parents bought me the same paints again right away, but I could really use and appreciate it if they bought me a set of the medium I actually use...also they say they are interested in buying my art, but only ever followed through with an order once about 7 years ago) Suddenly when I get really good as an artist, with opportunities at my feet, they don't seem to care. It is so unlike everyone else in my life who tell me when a drawing's not working for them, and consistently support me in my career, celebrating my accomplishments LOL

[Teabunny]

Yes - this is the line I'm walking these days:

I am recognizing that I can have a healthy grasp and understanding...while also giving myself some space to grieve...it's a delicate balance

Why is it so hard to remember my parents are not healthy, and I need to give myself space to grieve losses that come up? I so easily switch back into assuming my parents love and support me, and then I have a rude awakening.

[Teabunny]

Another example of this just came up. My Dr. asked if I have a family history of a certain physical disease in order for us to determine if I should start medication even though I'm asymptomatic, because an early screening caught an abnormally high test result. My risk is greater if there's a medical history in our family, but I may not need the medication. I've asked both parents if either of them have this disease or were ever diagnosed with it, and told them why I needed to know, and so far no response - but it's not been that long yet. I just hope they do...while simultaneously I know I need to protect myself from their silence if that happens again. OMG the stress though! 

This is yet another reason why on this BPD forum I feel empathetic towards adoptees. Not being given family medical history (this has happened before).

On the bright side, I'm happy and grateful to be feeling healthy and fit.

[Teabunny]

Update:
Good news, I did hear back from mom, bad news is that there is a family history of this disease. It was considerate of her to tell me so that I can make the best decisions for my future health. Very grateful!

[Riv3rW0lf]

Teabunny,

I am glad that she took it seriously enough to reply to you... But am seriously sorry. I don't know what the disease is, nor how you feel about it, but it seems to me that everything regarding health is always a bit of a hard news to get...

How are you feeling?