Abandonment Hurts

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all,

I am a little over 3 months post breakup with my ex. If you would have asked me 1 day before our breakup if I thought we were going to be together forever, I would have said, “I’d marry her tomorrow.” I knew she had BPD, she was up front about it – she went to therapy, took several medications, ate well, exercised, prioritized sleep – she worked hard to manage her symptoms. Outside of snippy comments now and again, we had a wonderful, communicative, loving, fulfilling relationship. Quiet / high functioning borderline symptoms can come out of nowhere.

We had recently moved in together, were planning to be married, had just talked about joining finances, were investing time in each other’s families. Life was good, the relationship was SO good. We didn’t have giant arguments, our values and goals aligned. We complimented each other in many ways.

In the days/weeks before the triggering event, there was no lack of affection, no lack of reassurance and talk of the future, no lack of “I love you’s” spoken.

After a big, unexpected stressor, something changed. It seemed like someone else had taken over her body & mind. I would expect anyone to be stressed after a life event like that – naturally! But she was someone I had never seen before, unrecognizable. The day after the trigger, she was cold, distant, dissociated, she couldn’t look at me, she flinched if I touched her arm or hand. She told me she needed to take some time to figure out if she still wanted to be with me. When I tried to ask her questions, she mostly responded with things like  “I don’t know,” or “I’m not sure – I can’t talk about this right now.”

A few days later she texted me while I was at work to let me know she wanted to break up. She said she loved me so much, that’s never been a question, but she just can’t see a future. I called her immediately, and pleaded with her to tell me why & what happened. She first tried to blame it on a small lie about my weight that I had told 3 months prior – she said something like, “When I was looked at your health app, I could see your weight – and you told me it was less than that beforehand. You lied to me. And in that moment, I knew you didn’t trust me. And I knew I could never trust that you wouldn’t lie to me again.” I was shocked – I couldn’t understand why she never told me she was hurt by that one lie I told about being 15lbs lighter when she knew I felt shame about my weight. She made my shame about her. She said she had built up so much resentment, she couldn’t see a way forward. ...Eventually she said it’s more than the one lie. It was also about how whenthat stressful event occurred, she got a feeling that she didn’t want to talk about it with me or process it with me…she didn’t want me in that big stressor with her.  “I should always want my partner to go through hard things with me. So when I got that feeling, I knew we weren’t compatible anymore. I knew this wasn’t right.” …Then she said she needs a partner that has more of an ability to match her level of passion when she gets angry with me – when she is snippy towards to me, she needs someone who will match same level of intensity. She said I was a kind & gracious person, and she appreciated that about me so much, and she loves that about me. But that doesn’t work for her in a partnership. She needs someone to have a more intense fighting spirit. …and so on…

I tried to talk to her about all of these things concerns she had – I begged for explanations and tried to understand, tried to ask clarifying questions. The more we talked, the more cyclical the conversations became, and the more contradictions she’d use. For example – she knew I told that lie, but her therapist told her that she was making a big deal out of something that wasn’t about her – something that was my shame & my mess to deal with. Her therapist advised her to let it go & let me handle it. So she never brought it up to me – but she didn’t let it go either, and it grew into a strong resentment. In the next sentence, she said that this small blip wasn’t something that was a deal breaker – because our relationship was SO GOOD, we were so close and had such good communication. She could easily overlook something like that.

She said something like, “I know why this feels so sudden to you, to my family, to our friends. Because it is sudden. Our relationship was SO GOOD – there was so much good between us, so much happiness. Until there wasn’t. Until I got that feeling. Now I just can’t see a future. It was sudden, but it wasn’t impulsive.”

The contradictions were too convoluted to try to make sense out of.

During the time of the major stressor, she distanced herself from me, her closest friends, and her family. Her 3 best friends felt “iced out,” and her family (who she normally talks to several times a week) felt in the dark. She would keep everyone in the loop with very short email updates about the major stressor, but didn’t talk to anyone about the major stressor or the breakup. She said something to the tune of, “It’s no one’s business - mine only.”

Her family & friends reach out to me and ask me what was going on – but I still don't have much to tell them because I was pushed away also. They expressed worry & concern because her behavior shifted so dramatically, and no one understood why she chose to end our relationship in the middle of this stressful time. They were concerned that she seemed to be isolating, wasn’t communicating many details, and at times seemed oddly fine given the circumstances. My ex got mad at me when I mentioned to her that the people closest to her were concerned about her. I told her I was worried because of her stress, her job, and her mental health – overall worried. And that it was normal for the people closest to her to be somewhat concerned when they notice a change in behavior, or they know she’s going through hard things.

She eventually asked me to not talk to her mom, dad, and sisters about our relationship, our conversations, or about the breakup. She said that her family is on my side, and it’s not fair – that she needs them to believe her, not me. She needs them to let this go & be on her team, even if they don’t understand. I haven't told her family anything except that I'm not doing great & I'm really confused. (They are also really confused. Her dad told me he thinks I'm the greatest thing that has ever happened to her, and that he will be forever disappointed in this decision. Her best friend cried when she told her she was ending the relationship. We're all confused.)

To me this feels like she is trying to control the narrative. She told me she needs to take more space from her family because they're not supporting her, they're questioning her behavior and her decisions. She wants them to believe her instead of me...but I can't control what they think or do. I'm not trying to influence them to "be on my side," they have come to that conclusion on their own.

I have mostly been dealing with feeling confused. Blindsided. Hurt. There has been little to no closure or explanation. The intense grief that comes with this kind of sudden abandonment is hard to put words to.

At some moments I can rationally see that this is NOT a healthy way to be in relationship. In healthy relationships, people move towards each other in times of crisis. My ex pushed everyone away, except 1 person who is a new friend to her. Her reaction to stress is not typical, and it's clear to everyone around her that something was very off.

A part of me wonders if this is a mask. If she's pushed her fears/grief/anger/whatever deeper down because it's too much right now. If the intimacy required to make it through a hard stressor was too much.

[lovingmyself1st]

Hi all,

I am a little over 3 months post breakup with my ex. If you would have asked me 1 day before our breakup if I thought we were going to be together forever, I would have said, “I’d marry her tomorrow.” I knew she had BPD, she was up front about it – she went to therapy, took several medications, ate well, exercised, prioritized sleep – she worked hard to manage her symptoms. Outside of snippy comments now and again, we had a wonderful, communicative, loving, fulfilling relationship. Quiet / high functioning borderline symptoms can come out of nowhere.

We had recently moved in together, were planning to be married, had just talked about joining finances, were investing time in each other’s families. Life was good, the relationship was SO good. We didn’t have giant arguments, our values and goals aligned. We complimented each other in many ways.

In the days/weeks before the triggering event, there was no lack of affection, no lack of reassurance and talk of the future, no lack of “I love you’s” spoken.

After a big, unexpected stressor, something changed. It seemed like someone else had taken over her body & mind. I would expect anyone to be stressed after a life event like that – naturally! But she was someone I had never seen before, unrecognizable. The day after the trigger, she was cold, distant, dissociated, she couldn’t look at me, she flinched if I touched her arm or hand. She told me she needed to take some time to figure out if she still wanted to be with me. When I tried to ask her questions, she mostly responded with things like  “I don’t know,” or “I’m not sure – I can’t talk about this right now.”

A few days later she texted me while I was at work to let me know she wanted to break up. She said she loved me so much, that’s never been a question, but she just can’t see a future. I called her immediately, and pleaded with her to tell me why & what happened. She first tried to blame it on a small lie about my weight that I had told 3 months prior – she said something like, “When I was looked at your health app, I could see your weight – and you told me it was less than that beforehand. You lied to me. And in that moment, I knew you didn’t trust me. And I knew I could never trust that you wouldn’t lie to me again.” I was shocked – I couldn’t understand why she never told me she was hurt by that one lie I told about being 15lbs lighter when she knew I felt shame about my weight. She made my shame about her. She said she had built up so much resentment, she couldn’t see a way forward. ...Eventually she said it’s more than the one lie. It was also about how whenthat stressful event occurred, she got a feeling that she didn’t want to talk about it with me or process it with me…she didn’t want me in that big stressor with her.  “I should always want my partner to go through hard things with me. So when I got that feeling, I knew we weren’t compatible anymore. I knew this wasn’t right.” …Then she said she needs a partner that has more of an ability to match her level of passion when she gets angry with me – when she is snippy towards to me, she needs someone who will match same level of intensity. She said I was a kind & gracious person, and she appreciated that about me so much, and she loves that about me. But that doesn’t work for her in a partnership. She needs someone to have a more intense fighting spirit. …and so on…

I tried to talk to her about all of these things concerns she had – I begged for explanations and tried to understand, tried to ask clarifying questions. The more we talked, the more cyclical the conversations became, and the more contradictions she’d use. For example – she knew I told that lie, but her therapist told her that she was making a big deal out of something that wasn’t about her – something that was my shame & my mess to deal with. Her therapist advised her to let it go & let me handle it. So she never brought it up to me – but she didn’t let it go either, and it grew into a strong resentment. In the next sentence, she said that this small blip wasn’t something that was a deal breaker – because our relationship was SO GOOD, we were so close and had such good communication. She could easily overlook something like that.

She said something like, “I know why this feels so sudden to you, to my family, to our friends. Because it is sudden. Our relationship was SO GOOD – there was so much good between us, so much happiness. Until there wasn’t. Until I got that feeling. Now I just can’t see a future. It was sudden, but it wasn’t impulsive.”

The contradictions were too convoluted to try to make sense out of.

During the time of the major stressor, she distanced herself from me, her closest friends, and her family. Her 3 best friends felt “iced out,” and her family (who she normally talks to several times a week) felt in the dark. She would keep everyone in the loop with very short email updates about the major stressor, but didn’t talk to anyone about the major stressor or the breakup. She said something to the tune of, “It’s no one’s business - mine only.”

Her family & friends reach out to me and ask me what was going on – but I still don't have much to tell them because I was pushed away also. They expressed worry & concern because her behavior shifted so dramatically, and no one understood why she chose to end our relationship in the middle of this stressful time. They were concerned that she seemed to be isolating, wasn’t communicating many details, and at times seemed oddly fine given the circumstances. My ex got mad at me when I mentioned to her that the people closest to her were concerned about her. I told her I was worried because of her stress, her job, and her mental health – overall worried. And that it was normal for the people closest to her to be somewhat concerned when they notice a change in behavior, or they know she’s going through hard things.

She eventually asked me to not talk to her mom, dad, and sisters about our relationship, our conversations, or about the breakup. She said that her family is on my side, and it’s not fair – that she needs them to believe her, not me. She needs them to let this go & be on her team, even if they don’t understand. I haven't told her family anything except that I'm not doing great & I'm really confused. (They are also really confused. Her dad told me he thinks I'm the greatest thing that has ever happened to her, and that he will be forever disappointed in this decision. Her best friend cried when she told her she was ending the relationship. We're all confused.)

To me this feels like she is trying to control the narrative. She told me she needs to take more space from her family because they're not supporting her, they're questioning her behavior and her decisions. She wants them to believe her instead of me...but I can't control what they think or do. I'm not trying to influence them to "be on my side," they have come to that conclusion on their own.

I have mostly been dealing with feeling confused. Blindsided. Hurt. There has been little to no closure or explanation. The intense grief that comes with this kind of sudden abandonment is hard to put words to.

At some moments I can rationally see that this is NOT a healthy way to be in relationship. In healthy relationships, people move towards each other in times of crisis. My ex pushed everyone away, except 1 person who is a new friend to her. Her reaction to stress is not typical, and it's clear to everyone around her that something was very off.

A part of me wonders if this is a mask. If she's pushed her fears/grief/anger/whatever deeper down because it's too much right now. If the intimacy required to make it through a hard stressor was too much.

[once removed]

After a big, unexpected stressor, something changed.

what was the stressor?