Speaking up to my BPD Mom

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi all,

This is my first time reaching out on this forum, I’m so grateful to have found this site.

 I’m considering sending an email to my BPD Mother because she hurt my feelings on my birthday.

First, a little background information. It’s a fairly recent discovery on my part that I believe my mom has BPD. To my knowledge, she has never been diagnosed. I was talking with a therapist and based on how I described my mom’s behaviors and the way they make me feel, we concluded that it’s likely she suffers from BPD. She gets angry over random situations, she’s pushed countless people away with her blow ups, she has a victim mentality, and talking to her on the phone is one of my least favorite activities. She tends to suck all of the air out of the room by monologue-ing about her problems, she forgets important things I tell her, and she says socially awkward comments. There’s of course way more i could share but I don’t want to make this the longest post ever, haha.

My birthdays the past few years have been pretty lackluster. She always calls but she never sends me anything, or gives me an age inappropriate gift (I’m 34 and last year she gave me a used child’s backpack with a picture of a cartoon pug on it) months late when I go to visit her (we live in different states, thank god.) I have tried to brush the birthday situations under the rug because I know she is mentally ill and her financial situation is pretty dire due to her overspending and not saving for retirement.

However, this year on my birthday she called and I could immediately tell she was in a bad mood. She seemed upset with me for what, I have no idea. Nothing I could say seemed to make the conversation better and she ended up ending it abruptly without even saying Happy Birthday or that she loves me.

I’ve never challenged her, set proper boundaries (other than moving away), or spoken up to her but I think I’ve reached my limit. I have drafted an email to send her clearly stating my feelings without attacking her. Now I’m nervous about sending it. I know that sending it likely won’t change her behavior but it feels important to me. She’s going through a stressful time so sending it right now feels a bit cruel, she’s trying to get my childhood home ready to sell (it’s long overdue, it’s crumbling around her and she can’t financially or physically keep it up anymore) but I don’t think I can let this one slide. I feel very hurt that she couldn’t even pull herself together to wish her daughter happy  birthday. I feel like if I don’t send this email, my long building resentment will run too deep to be able to attempt any sort of a meaningful relationship with her. I would love to receive some support, advice, and hear about other’s experiences when it comes to confronting a BPD loved one.

Thank you so much! It feels so comforting already to be able to voice my feelings in a community that understands what I’m going through.

[HillCourt]

Hi all,

This is my first time reaching out on this forum, I’m so grateful to have found this site.

 I’m considering sending an email to my BPD Mother because she hurt my feelings on my birthday.

First, a little background information. It’s a fairly recent discovery on my part that I believe my mom has BPD. To my knowledge, she has never been diagnosed. I was talking with a therapist and based on how I described my mom’s behaviors and the way they make me feel, we concluded that it’s likely she suffers from BPD. She gets angry over random situations, she’s pushed countless people away with her blow ups, she has a victim mentality, and talking to her on the phone is one of my least favorite activities. She tends to suck all of the air out of the room by monologue-ing about her problems, she forgets important things I tell her, and she says socially awkward comments. There’s of course way more i could share but I don’t want to make this the longest post ever, haha.

My birthdays the past few years have been pretty lackluster. She always calls but she never sends me anything, or gives me an age inappropriate gift (I’m 34 and last year she gave me a used child’s backpack with a picture of a cartoon pug on it) months late when I go to visit her (we live in different states, thank god.) I have tried to brush the birthday situations under the rug because I know she is mentally ill and her financial situation is pretty dire due to her overspending and not saving for retirement.

However, this year on my birthday she called and I could immediately tell she was in a bad mood. She seemed upset with me for what, I have no idea. Nothing I could say seemed to make the conversation better and she ended up ending it abruptly without even saying Happy Birthday or that she loves me.

I’ve never challenged her, set proper boundaries (other than moving away), or spoken up to her but I think I’ve reached my limit. I have drafted an email to send her clearly stating my feelings without attacking her. Now I’m nervous about sending it. I know that sending it likely won’t change her behavior but it feels important to me. She’s going through a stressful time so sending it right now feels a bit cruel, she’s trying to get my childhood home ready to sell (it’s long overdue, it’s crumbling around her and she can’t financially or physically keep it up anymore) but I don’t think I can let this one slide. I feel very hurt that she couldn’t even pull herself together to wish her daughter happy  birthday. I feel like if I don’t send this email, my long building resentment will run too deep to be able to attempt any sort of a meaningful relationship with her. I would love to receive some support, advice, and hear about other’s experiences when it comes to confronting a BPD loved one.

Thank you so much! It feels so comforting already to be able to voice my feelings in a community that understands what I’m going through.

[Notwendy]

Welcome to our group!

First of all - do not send any emails to your mother.

With BPD mother, speaking up to her, explaining how she may have hurt my feelings does no good at all. In addition, anything in writing gets saved by her to be twisted and used in some way later. Do not do this to yourself.

My BPD mother has in the past, sent overly generous checks to my children- but she rarely, if ever, has given me a gift. I'd rather not get one at all from her than the things she has given me. I don't care about any material value- I'd rather have gotten a card that said something nice to me than impersonal trinkets.  She's given me one of her cast off purses that was damaged. Once she told me to not expect any gifts from her. I don't.

I feel very hurt that she couldn’t even pull herself together to wish her daughter happy  birthday. I feel like if I don’t send this email, my long building resentment will run too deep to be able to attempt any sort of a meaningful relationship with her.

I understand your feeling of being hurt. Believe me. BPD mother has put me in tears more times than I could count. But you will learn that approaching your mother with any kind of hurt feelings on your part will backfire. It will result in her being even more hurtful.

Please read up on the Karpman triangle. When you approach your mother from the hurt position, you are in victim position. Makes sense to you- she hurt you right? Not to her. She's in victim position. You can't take that position. She will perceive it as an attack on her and she will defend herself and hurt you back.

So what do you do? You may be feeling hurt, but you are not a victim. You will not get on the Karpman triangle with her. This means you neither rescue her, or get back at her ( persecutor ). You take care of her, and learn about boundaries,

A meaningful relationship with her is only as possible as she is able to have a meaningful relationship with you. You don't have to decide right now. For now, take care of you, read the information here, and learn about how your interactions with her may not be the most effective ones for you. You do not need to tolerate being treated poorly but know that remembering and being kind to you on your birthday may not be a realistic expectation on your part. I know it's disappointing and hurtful, but it's easier to accept who she is than expect her to be different.

[Nopuppets]

Welcome to the group HillCourt 

From my experience with confronting my mother years ago in person, I have to agree with it not working at all.  It was very explosive and turned into a rampage of my wrong doings while growing up.  I think writing what you need to say is therapeutic.  However, sending it will most certainly inflame things and ultimately make things worse for you like NotWendy mentioned. Many of the other members of this group will be able to offer sound advice to you and solid support and I’m sure they will chime in.

For now my best advice is to sit on the email, don’t send it.  Try to do something nice for yourself today and practice some self care.  A big hug to you    please keep us all posted on how things are going.

[WalkbyFaith]

A piece of advice I recently heard was to offer one small "pearl" first, and see what the pwBPD does with it. Offer a sentence, "Mom, can we talk about that birthday phone call? It was hurtful to me."  And see how she responds:  with willingness to hear you and sorrow for hurting you? or with defense and blame shifting? Then you will know whether it's even worth trying to have the conversation or not.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi and welcome to the forum !

I have to go against the others, but not entirely...

I recently sent a similar letter to my own BPD mother, meaning a letter explaining who I was, what I felt, what our relationship was to me and why things turned out so wrong. I shared what was going on on my side...

I had chosen against sending it. True. I thought nothing good would come out of it, I was exposing myself... But then my brother told me to and I listened to him... And as everyone knew: I was met with blame shifting, guiltripling, invalidation... Everything I knew I would get, and it hurt deeply. I fell down the hole again.

And I felt stupid on the moment that I had sent it... But then, weeks later, I have to admit : I was able, BY sending it, to truly internalize what I only rationally knew.

It's hard to explain... I think I HAD to send it, to again see the dynamic between my brothers, mother and me, and to get it out of my chest, to affirm myself in our relationship, to affirm who my inner child was and to show my inner child I was strong enough to protect her now. That we were not going back there.

In the end, I don't really care (anymore,) that she couldn't see me at that moment, I knew she wouldn't... But I still had to express it and FACE the disease... I had to make sure she truly is what she is, and that all I now knew was not the product of my imagination... But real emotional abuse.

So I agree with the others : don't expect any form of validation or recognition for her. But if you feel like you have to do it, then do it... Sometimes, we need to walk the path ourselves to truly grasp the wisdom from it.

Whatever you choose, we get it, and we will support you through it.

There is no mistakes when it comes to our mothers with BPD, just learning, processing and understanding... And radical acceptance. Do whatever you feel you need to do to get you there.

In all this, what I would say the most important is : if you do decide to write a letter, and she answers back with rage/pain/manipulation/invalidation... I would promise myself NOT to keep on going and to protect your inner child from the FOG that will come out of it. Know the risks and prepare yourself for them, and let go of hope and expectations. Vow to yourself protection and self validation.

I now know my letter was a farewell letter... And I did answer her second letter, and felt bad about it, but in hindsight : something was different. I stood tall and wrote something along the lines of : I am not the person you describe and you should have someone read your letters before sending them to ease our communication and decrease your projections and blame.

I remained true to my inner child. And I called her out. And it felt empowering. I had a bit of FOG... But ended up stronger.

So as hurtful as it was : I gained something from it.

You do whatever you feel you have to do to get you to radical acceptance. Know the risks, then decide. We don't all walk the same path and there is no magical way to get there. You know yourself. I needed to confront her, and I did, and today, I don't regret it. Was it necessary? Maybe not. But I got it out of me, and in the end, I am glad I did, for the first time, told her her behaviors were unacceptable and that I wouldn't accept them anymore.

Warning : we are estranged now.

[seekingpeace2day]

I concur with counsel to NOT send the email. Sadly, it will almost certainly be used against you and hurt you more than you can imagine.

However, I also strongly relate to what Riv3rW0lf wrote. Eighteen months ago, I sent a very brief (3 sentences), clumsy but respectful email to my father, asking him to discuss any invitations for our son with us, first. The response was the most severely dysregulated "what the f^&%" nasty email, followed within 48 hours by the coldest, cruelest, near-disowning email. Since then he has taken my sister's family on expensive trips and ccs me on gloating emails with their family photos.

Even now, I feel some "duh" and self-blame, because although I worked with my ACA sponsor and T (no longer my T) prior to sending that email, the response was so predictable. I simply didn't know as much about BPD/NPD as I do now. Just as others here have said. If you send the email, this is what will (almost certainly) happen.

At the same time, despite the re-trauma and knowing that I was again abused (at age 49, no less - of course it has been perpetual), my life is better now than it has ever been. My wife and I discussed the other day and agreed that our relationship is better since I sent the email, and everything else. But the price has been very, very high, whether I am disowned or not.

Mind you, mine was a respectful but clumsy email of less than 20 words. If I had sent the kind of open letter you describe, I can only imagine the response - and would not wish that on anyone.

[Channing]

seekingpeace2day - I went through a similar experience with my BPD sibling. I sent her what I thought to be a very kind and non-blaming request that we try to make our telephone conversations more "positive" and proposed some ideas for things we could focus on that would help with that. She responded with a barrage of angry accusations that went on for days and literally made me afraid for my safety.

That experience forced me to confront my own fantasies about having a mutually respectful relationship with her. It is impossible. I feel that what many of us struggle with here is letting go of hope.

Like you, my life improved dramatically when my BPD relative began to shun me. However, I still question my own actions and blame myself for the rupture even though objectively that seems nonsensical.