Codependent mother/NPD/BPD grandparents want to send birthday gift to son

[seekingpeace2day]

What is the best way to respond to my 100% codependent mother, who wants to send a birthday gift (from her and my NPD/BPD father) to our son?

For background, I am the scapegoat, victim of a false smear campaign, and long blamed for all FOO dysfunction. You can read a bit about my situation here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=353534.0

My mother texted my wife and me yesterday, asking about sending books to our son for his pending 9th birthday. (She is 100% emotionally and financially dependent on my emotionally troubled and abusive, high-functioning alcoholic covert NPD/BPD father. She breathes denial and is, in essence, totally disassociated from most of her life.) When the text came in, it stressed my wife - her reaction was to not like the books suggested - and it stressed me. My initial reaction was to respond (react!), but then I thought better of it. We have not responded yet. I slept poorly and woke up distressed about this issue. 

I journaled this AM and realized I have options:

1. Do not respond at all. Ghost her.
>This might be a good option. But it feels unresolved, passive, like I'm not making an active choice. My mom's text is to her "loving" (although in reality entirely manipulative), and it is different from the viscious/blaming mail that my father sends from time to time. If my father texted, I'm not sure what I'd do. But coming from my mother, it is slightly different (?), even though she uses the first-person pronoun "we," which given the circumstances feels entirely manipulative to me.

2. Respond and be open, honest, vulnerable. Tell her how I feel that we appreciate the gesture, but her suggestion doesn't feel right. And, by the way, we're sad for the circumstance.
>Yeah, right! This option has zero chance of changing my mother or FOO or our interactions. It has total chance of leaving me feeling deeply unheard and invalidated and eventually being used against me. In fact, no matter what I do, that action will always be used to justify the abuse. For example, they spent FOUR YEARS getting to know and spoiling their other grandson, two weeks younger than our son. Then when they invited us to join their tight-knit group (which would have been horrible for us), we politely declined without engaging... so of course part of their hurtful smear campaign is to tell others that it was our choice not to be part of the family!

3. Tell her about the books and offer a better suggestion.
>This feels like being "sucked in." It's not about the books. She's seen her grandson once in four years. What kind of loving grandmother does that, while enabling the taking of the other grandson to Europe and spending many visits with that other grandson every year? (The sick part is that I do believe my mom loves our son, as best she can in the hell of a life she has chosen.) What am I going to do, help her get to know our son, her grandson, via text?

4. Some other approach, that parries her text without escalating or engaging.
>This feels like the best approach, but I'm not yet sure what it looks like. (It's not about the books! And frankly, who cares if the books go straight to the trash dump?) The key here is to avoid escalation, stay safe and keep my family safe, and protect our mental health. I could simply say, "Sounds great. Thanks, Mom" and let it go.

Final background is that they do send birthday and Christmas gifts to him, and we make sure he sends thank you notes. In my father's hateful emails to us, he (of course?) blames us for not thanking him - which really means we are not thanking him continuously and excessively. Right before my father took them all to Europe, he sent a bird feather gift to our son with a "Good luck!" message, which I felt was an F-U to us as parents. Given his deplorable treatment of us, this felt so manipulative that we did not pass on that gift to our son.

Overall, my goals are to 1) avoid escalation with FOO, 2) prioritize my safety and my wife and son's safety, 3) reduce stress and protect our mental health. We are going away next week, and I'd like to have no lingering influence from this on our holiday. And last, I'm grateful and feel really good about being able to step back and see clearly.

Suggestions welcome and very much appreciated. Thank you.

[Riv3rW0lf]

4. Some other approach, that parries her text without escalating or engaging.
>This feels like the best approach, but I'm not yet sure what it looks like. (It's not about the books! And frankly, who cares if the books go straight to the trash dump?) The key here is to avoid escalation, stay safe and keep my family safe, and protect our mental health. I could simply say, "Sounds great. Thanks, Mom" and let it go.

If you are looking to remain low contact with her, as opposed to no contact, I think this option is your best bet.

Then you and your wife can sell the books and buy books you find more appropriate? Or simply give them to another child that would like them...

Will your son truly notice a few books from NPD grandad and codependent grandma missing from his gifts? Seeing how they weren't there for him growing up, I doubt it...

That's what I do with the countless sugar treats my mother in law keeps bringing over for my daughter. I learned, from my husband, that confrontation is not always needed... My goal is not to hurt my MIL, nor to create a wedge between her and my children, but to protect my daughter from eating excessive amounts of sugar, seeing how she has digestive issues. So MIL doesn't need to know that the 12 pack sour sweet powder chemical stuff she bought ended up in the garbage can. And if she learns it... Well... I will cross that river when I get there.

[Couscous]

I could simply say, "Sounds great. Thanks, Mom" and let it go.

This is exactly what I have been doing.

I just went through a similar situation myself a few weeks ago. My mother emailed me to pretend that she wanted to send some entirely age inappropriate books to my son with two of my sisters who were going to be visiting from out of the country. You see, until she emailed me about the books I was not aware that my sisters were going to be in town as they are currently shunning me, so my mother emailed me just so that I would find out that they were coming. And sure enough, I didn’t hear a word from them while they were here.

But because I am now at the point in my recovery that I have stopped personalizing my family’s hurtful behavior, I actually didn’t get triggered. Of course I felt some sadness about the situation and the extreme level of emotional immaturity that was on display, but I wasn’t gutted over the fact that my mother was deliberately trying to hurt me, and I didn’t have a shame attack. I didn’t take the bait, and simply replied in an upbeat way to say that my son wasn’t old enough yet for those books, but thanks anyway!

[Notwendy]

Yup, the Trojan Horse gifts.

I just say thanks mom. The gifts come, the kids say thank you. Trying to control her would just result in a "you are keeping me from my grandchildren" . Well, yes - do what you need to do to protect your child, but sending books doesn't seem harmful just by itself.  If she sends books- you can give them to the child or if you don't like the books, donate them and still thank her. It seems like the path of least drama.

[seekingpeace2day]

If you are looking to remain low contact with her, as opposed to no contact, I think this option is your best bet.

Thanks, Riv3rW0lf; I agree.

[seekingpeace2day]

I just went through a similar situation myself a few weeks ago. My mother emailed me to pretend that she wanted to send some entirely age inappropriate books to my son with two of my sisters who were going to be visiting from out of the country. You see, until she emailed me about the books I was not aware that my sisters were going to be in town as they are currently shunning me, so my mother emailed me just so that I would find out that they were coming. And sure enough, I didn’t hear a word from them while they were here.

I can totally relate. To me, that is the equivalent of being cc'ed or bcc'ed on emails (my father's favorite mode of communication that is radically passive-aggressive) highlighting "wonderful" things that are taking place without me, usually from which we have been smear campaigned/excluded. I'm really sorry you went through that - I'm also really happy for you (if that makes sense) that you can recognize it, per your latter remark.

But because I am now at the point in my recovery that I have stopped personalizing my family’s hurtful behavior, I actually didn’t get triggered. Of course I felt some sadness about the situation and the extreme level of emotional immaturity that was on display, but I wasn’t gutted over the fact that my mother was deliberately trying to hurt me, and I didn’t have a shame attack.

Wow! Can you please tell me more about this.
1) To what extent is the NPD/BPD behavior personal to us? I feel like I get it so much worse than my GC sister. (My mom is totally subservient but also abused.)
2) How did you reach this point of detachment?

I didn’t take the bait, and simply replied in an upbeat way to say that my son wasn’t old enough yet for those books, but thanks anyway!

I also do not take the bait any more. (Good job to me.) But, responding in an upbeat way when I feel really pissed, seems disingenuous. I suppose what you are doing is replying in a way that "works." A little white lie for the greater good.

[Couscous]

Wow! Can you please tell me more about this.
1) To what extent is the NPD/BPD behavior personal to us?

Our inner child thinks that when someone is being unloving towards us that it means that we are bad/unlovable/defective/unworthy and we make it about us, even though that person's behavior has nothing to do with us at all.

2) How did you reach this point of detachment?

I'm not sure. Something just clicked for me in the past few months.

But, responding in an upbeat way when I feel really pissed, seems disingenuous.

Not letting one's inner child act out is not the same thing as being disingenuous. Since her email was upbeat and on the surface, completely innocent, I think my response was the only appropriate one. Additionally, it is very unwise to let narcissists know that they have succeeded in hurting you, so I would never have revealed that to her.

[Notwendy]

Think of it as responding in a less emotionally reactive way- not adding fuel to the drama. Taking neutral stand.

Also, what is driving this, I think, is a resentment on your part. When we own our feelings, it then gives us the ability to work on that part. We can't change someone else.

This doesn't mean our feelings are unfounded. You have reason to be angry and feel resentful- your family is taking one sibling and family to Europe, and sends your child a couple of books and you are expected to be grateful. But this resentment is on you.

What is the source of it? Expecting your parents to be different. Expecting them to treat you fairly. But they are who they are.

Like Couscous, this kind of thing doesn't bother me like it used to. Kids take these things personally. Now, I know her behavior is not about me. It's unfortunate that your father does what he does but it's more about him than you. Think about it- would you want to go on a vacation with him? Probably not. You'd have a better time going on vacation with just your family.

[seekingpeace2day]

Our inner child thinks that when someone is being unloving towards us that it means that we are
Not letting one's inner child act out is not the same thing as being disingenuous. Since her email was upbeat and on the surface, completely innocent, I think my response was the only appropriate one.

There is so much wisdom in your post, thank you Couscous. My inner child needs more love and attention from me.

Additionally, it is very unwise to let narcissists know that they have succeeded in hurting you, so I would never have revealed that to her.

I agree and have learned this over the years. No doubt I used to fuel the fire by reacting to my Dad. Other than an errant text that Siri sent to his phone when I auto-declined a call from my Mom, I have not reacted or responded to him at tall since March 2021. (Auto-decline from me, intended for Mom but delivered to him: "Can I call you later?" Text from him: "It has been so peaceful with you absent... we all discussed this openly and just moved on... we have spent time at their home, our home, and the American West since your insane accusations... I'm hesitant to let you back into our family" etc etc etc)

My take is this: he acts this way toward me SO THAT I will react and "stay engaged." I still believe (hope?) that under the veil of alcoholism/NBPD he really does "love" me, whatever that means as he does not have the skills to enact healthy love. But I suspect thatt these abusive behaviors are to him some form of connection with me, which he wants.

Does that make sense - any other thoughts? It sure would be gratifying in the short-term to either tell him the facts as I see them, before he dies - or to have a moment of genuine connection and mutual forgiveness, either way.

[seekingpeace2day]

Think of it as responding in a less emotionally reactive way- not adding fuel to the drama. Taking neutral stand.

Agree. Smart. My principle should be avoid drama, not "expressing my truth" or even acting in a transparent or consistent way. Is this what you mean?

Also, what is driving this, I think, is a resentment on your part. When we own our feelings, it then gives us the ability to work on that part. We can't change someone else. This doesn't mean our feelings are unfounded. You have reason to be angry and feel resentful- your family is taking one sibling and family to Europe, and sends your child a couple of books and you are expected to be grateful. But this resentment is on you.

Bingo. Thank you for reading my post carefully and for your normative feedback. In ACA speak, resentment must be a character defect. Either way, it's in my control and MY RESPONSIBILITY to let it go. How did you let go of resentment?

What is the source of it? Expecting your parents to be different. Expecting them to treat you fairly. But they are who they are.

Yep. To me this is a parallel issue to resentment. They are who they are. My first memories of adult consciousness (age 12) were my screaming and screaming, during one of my father's NBPD alcoholic rages, that "this does not make sense." I then spent decades frustrated that they still could not see - and am working on letting go even now.

Like Couscous, this kind of thing doesn't bother me like it used to. Kids take these things personally. Now, I know her behavior is not about me. It's unfortunate that your father does what he does but it's more about him than you. Think about it- would you want to go on a vacation with him? Probably not. You'd have a better time going on vacation with just your family.

1. I sure as heck hope this behavior is almost entirely or actually entirely about him! I realize it sounds childish, but "it's not my fault." Even though I'd redo some things, like my clumsy but respectful 3 sentence boundary email, in the big picture how could I possibly have caused this? What could I have done as a child to cause or deserve this behavior that has continued to this day?
2. Practically speaking, spending time with the two of them together is exhausting and "phony." My father does whatever he pleases at all times and expects others to follow at all times, immediately. My mother, when she hears his obvious falsehoods or distortions, waves madly outside of his view to say, "Don't say anything" and "Just let it go," that correcting him is a bad idea. Of course there are some good moments, but very very few with my father. Hee needs to be 100% right about all things, all the time. He has lectured me (and been wrong) about my PhD topic - an area in which I possess world-renowned expertise. I cannot imagine spending two weeks with them together, it would be soul crushing.

Even so, being excluded feels humiliating, when I receive the gloating cc emails. Totally humiliating, like I did something wrong (or I did anything at all!).

Ug. Progress I hope. Thanks again.
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[Notwendy]

I think the way I was able to work on resentments was part work, part luck at the sponsor I had. It was tough love- like ACA boot camp. Sometimes I got upset at it but in the long run, I am so grateful for her tough love approach. She had me list all the resentments and at the time. Then she worked through a cost/benefit decision of them and I could see that it wasn't of benefit to do so.

The group really emphasized the "expecting them to be different" and how it led to disappointment. It's not the same as expecting people to treat us respectfully- we should do that but that is more about us than wishing people who don't treat us the way we want to be treated to be different. We might wish they were, but they make their own choices.

It also involved seeing how BPD mother's mental illness influences how she sees things. If she mainly sees her projections- and not who I am, then it doesn't make sense to assume her behavior is personal.

This doesn't mean I don't ever get upset over it. I do but it doesn't have the same effect on me.

Oh those CC emails.  A while back, one of them was about me- and it wasn't kind. And someone accidentally hit "reply all" and it went right in my mailbox. From then on, I have felt embarrassed around my mother's family. They didn't address it or apologize. That's not what people with NPD streaks do. Just go on acting as if I didn't see it ( I replied to it with a " I don't suppose you meant to send this to me" so they know I did).

What they were saying was fabrication and I suspect it's something BPD mother made up about me. I realized they don't know me either if all they know is what she tells them. So it's not about me but yes, it's embarrassing to think this is what they said about me.

I have a cousin who sends friendly emails to my mother and CC's me. It's as if that side of the family can not have a communication with me without it including her, or everyone.

[livednlearned]

What a gem your dad is 

It sure would be gratifying in the short-term to either tell him the facts as I see them, before he dies - or to have a moment of genuine connection and mutual forgiveness, either way.

pwBPD or NPD are often trapped in an emotional past. You happen to be a target for these painful projections (he feels a narcissistic injury being inflicted on him). There's some kind of revenge fantasy going on and unfortunately you're being dragged into that scene repeatedly, even though you weren't the original perpetrator.

He's in a different reality because any facts are overwhelmed by emotions that dictate the narrative (feelings = facts).

On the other hand, like many of us have been, you could be working through a healing fantasy, hoping he will provide emotional relief to your suffering. I don't know that many people here receive that -- usually that comes from actions we take to get there, independent of what they say and do. And there isn't a right way for these choices, unfortunately. A lot of it probably has to do with what we have tried, how hurt we are, what are our tolerance levels are like, what kind of healing we've done and how much of it can be applied when the full force of the lasers are pointed at us.

I agree with Couscous that minimal reaction seems to go further. The smaller the target, the less conflict. Your dad cannot handle a simple "can I call you later?" without a tirade, and your mother is probably too enmeshed for there to be much distance -- best to treat them largely as one. (I suspect my mother has her own fantasy about being worthless and my father's misogyny is familiar to her, therefore it makes sense. Yours might feel she is being treated the way she deserves.)

It also buys you time as you figure out what you need, where you want to get to, how to heal from this kind of abuse. You may be surprised how much growth is possible without getting resolution directly from your father.

[Couscous]

But I suspect thatt these abusive behaviors are to him some form of connection with me, which he wants.

This might be hard to accept, but I don’t believe scapegoaters have any interest in connection.

It sure would be gratifying in the short-term to either tell him the facts as I see them, before he dies - or to have a moment of genuine connection and mutual forgiveness, either way.

I can’t help but wonder if you might have a false belief operating here — that if you just try hard enough you will have the ability to control how your father feels about you. If that is the case, then revisiting Step 1 might be useful. Maybe it’s something worth exploring with your ACA sponsor?