Need advice

[15years]

Hi,

We live in a semi small town but still I didn't see this coming.

I had a girlfriend when I was 14 whom I was involved with for no more than one month, so barely a girlfriend really in grown up standard. My wife previously believed I had only one ex girlfriend and it came as a shock to her that there was more, although those where really innocent relationships.

Now to the problem, S6 starts pre school today. Parents get information online, and I noticed that my ex is a special needs teacher who visits the pre school once or twice each month to determine the childrens need for special support.

I know this will upset my wife but not to what degree. I usually check the online information and pass it on to W, she has access too but she doesn't seem to sign in very often because it makes her anxious. So there is a small chance W won't know the name of this teacher as she will only be a minor character at the pre school. I don't think S6 will need any special education either so she will only meet him to determine his skill level I suppose.


I just fear the consequences this will have for the family. I know I'll probably handle it calmly but it's impossible to know what kind of crazy reaction W will have.

Is it a stupid alternative to try and hope that w doesn't find out?

[Notwendy]

The insanity in this is that it's even an issue. Most people have had some kind of teen age puppy love thing. It's completely normal. If people are still living in the same town they might run into each other. As to the special ed teacher- she might be married too and it's been many years now.

It seems that a lot of your issues with your wife stem back to your experience as a teen and you are still concerned about her response to that. You can't change the past, and you can't change her reaction.

But hiding it shows some kind of guilt/fear and adds emotional fuel to the drama. Telling her is likely to incite a reaction, but not telling her and having her find out later could prompt a bigger one as she'd then wonder why you hid it.

This seems like a no win situation.

[15years]

My main fear is that S6 will be caught in the middle of it somehow.

But In reality, it will probably simply cause me discomfort and stress. She will expect me to express myself in a way that I can't predict. On a positive note, it will take attention from other stressful subjects.

Another risk is that she will expect some action from me, but I have learned not to cave in to her urgency as easily.

I agree that keeping the information will only cause me anxiety and it will seem odd to keep the info from her. How should I go about telling her about this? There's no easy way to say it, even if this is a minor thing.

[Notwendy]

I think just tell her. But be sure you are in a safe situation and can get away if she becomes abusive.

Make sure it's a good time where if she gets upset the kids aren't upset by it.

"hey honey, I want to be completely transparent with you. When downloading the information about preschool, I recognized one of the names. The special ed teacher is someone I had a crush on when I was 14. We had a puppy love thing for a couple of weeks".


If she flips out, then she does. But I think your comfort level with this is a big determinant. If you are all guilty and weird about it then it seems like it's something to be guilty for. That's on you.

Don't JADE. Teen age puppy love doesn't need an explanation.

[BigOof]

Jokingly, if you're going to get yelled at for things you didn't do, you might as well do them and enjoy the fun. Go ahead, have an affair...we all know you're going to get blamed for doing it irrespective of reality, alibis, debunked conspiracies, and emotional reasoning not equal to facts.

[Notwendy]

Yup, what a way to complicate things.

But seriously, how much of this do you want to tolerate? You can't watch certain movies or TV shows, can't read certain books, can't buy a box of tea with a picture of a woman on it, can't have kissed a girl at 14?

[15years]

How about playing dumb:

"Hi, did you read the info pre school sent out? I think the special ed teacher could be my ex."

This was my personal response when I first read the message from pre school since she seem to have a slightly different official version of her name than I knew her by. I had to do a little research to determine if it was her. Re-stating my first reaction would seem sincere and not weird.

After saying that, her reaction will determine my next move.

[15years]

Yup, what a way to complicate things.

But seriously, how much of this do you want to tolerate? You can't watch certain movies or TV shows, can't read certain books, can't buy a box of tea with a picture of a woman on it, can't have kissed a girl at 14?

On a positive note, I'm getting better and better at not engaging in discussion.

Her latest thing now is that she is burnt out from the crisis I started. She is friendly about it but blames me (So maybe not friendly ). She wants us to relax until Christmas and not plan anything. For the coming weeks she wants to do minimum, only stay inside if possible. I'm quite sure she wants me to be part of that "minimum action" plan.

She texted me today:
"I think I'm sorrow-depressed. Which isn't regarded as a mental illness (:"

I didn't say anything about any mental illness but she implied yesterday that she might have ASD and said something about how she can't be borderline because [she isn't promiscuous/self harming] - (not her exact words but still).

Maybe what she's saying is:
"I have a lot of borderline traits but I'm too ashamed to admit it to myself and others."

[15years]

Jokingly, if you're going to get yelled at for things you didn't do, you might as well do them and enjoy the fun. Go ahead, have an affair...we all know you're going to get blamed for doing it irrespective of reality, alibis, debunked conspiracies, and emotional reasoning not equal to facts.

What a nasty thought

[Notwendy]

How about playing dumb:

"Hi, did you read the info pre school sent out? I think the special ed teacher could be my ex."


After saying that, her reaction will determine my next move.

I like that, but not the term "ex". "Ex" is an adult term that implies a seriousness to the relationship. I don't even consider a few week puppy love thing at 14 to be a relationship. People call someone an ex when it's a longer term adult relationship.

People tend to use much lighter descriptions for these adolescent experiences. Even "high school sweetheart" implies a longer relationship than a couple months. It's more like these things are crushes.

"Hi, did you read the info pre school sent out? I think the special ed teacher could be an old middle school crush"

"Hi, did you read the info pre school sent out? I think the special ed teacher could be someone I briefly dated in high school".

At some point, you just have to own it. It's a part of who you are. People bring their spouses and families to school reunions. Inevitably we meet the old "flames" from that era but we are adults now.

[15years]

I like that, but not the term "ex". "Ex" is an adult term that implies a seriousness to the relationship.

...

"Hi, did you read the info pre school sent out? I think the special ed teacher could be someone I briefly dated in high school".

Thanks, this is good. After that, I'll use my non engaging techniques and no JADE techniques or at least get to practice them on something I don't feel any real guilt about.

[Notwendy]

Hi, did you read the info pre school sent out? I think the special ed teacher could be someone I briefly went out with in high school".

That might work too. Honestly, it's no big deal and no reason to make it one. Everyone has those old teen crushes that lasted all of a month and were such a big deal at the time but they don't mean more than a cute memory now.

[Kayteelouwho]

Just another perspective...

Are you worrying about it because of W reactions and would she actually recognise her name or could you be trying to think ahead. ?

As yeah you may of briefly dated at 14 but are you stating she someone you dated then going to fuel the fear of you remembered her, does he like her  then all different things from one sentence etc...
does it have any importance to you?

it's a catch 22 but end of the day I think she might wobble from it any way you do things. she may also repeat the same thing over and over of her own versions of your response. just be honest to your self and be ready for any response.

I hope the rages are a bit calmer now.

And aww their first day is exciting that's a good positive  : )

[Notwendy]

She's likely to react. It's a no win situation. I just think she'll react worse if she finds out who the teacher is later and assumes it was something to hide.

So the boy I liked when we were both 14 ( who is now an adult ) during a few weeks puppy love thing doesn't live anywhere near me ( I don't even know where he is but it's a place we moved from so it's probably not near me). If he was near me and I might run into him at my kids' school, I think it would be strange to act as if I didn't know who he is. I'd probably say something like "oh gosh, I think the teacher is a guy I liked when we were 14" then probably laugh about the memory. 14 is so awkward.

[ForeverDad]

Could you treat it as No Big Deal?  What if W never notices?  And be 'surprised' if W sees it and overreacts?

I can see you're trying to minimize reactions but it seems this is also walking on eggshells.

[15years]

My wife knows her name because of my stupid confession break down last year.

Of course she looked her up online as soon as she knew.

The pre school sent out info online and also my teen age love interest herself sent out a short presentation of her and her work including a picture. Now pre school also started a whatsapp info group which W will check. The possibility of avoiding this issue is very slim.

W wants me to take a new lighter whatsapp profile picture because all the moms in the whatsapp group will think I look depressed and unhappy with my wife, inviting bored moms to flirt with me. That plus I need to confront her about my old crush having a role in pre school community adds up to too much drama already after one day of pre school


Time's ticking, soon it will seem weird that I didn't bring this up sooner.

Seems like it's impossible not to walk on eggshells but I'm trying to invite the no big deal idea to myself at least!

[Notwendy]

Are you really going to change the picture ? If you posted a happy friendly one they might flirt with you too.

[15years]

I told her about the pre school thing, I really did set the ball rolling and she went through the stages of grief all the way to physical violence in the course of two hours. The thing that tipped her over the edge was that I didn't say on demand that my teen age crush was (and is) ugly. I tried to tell her instead that it is not the kind of man I want to be. I guess that "high horse-attitude" was too much for her.

I went for a 30 min walk hoping that her shame had kicked in to the point of trying to win me back. Nope, she had a long rant in her. Back to physical violence again after a while, harsh words from me this time and another 30 min walk. Informed her by text both times about my planned return.

Really harsh reaction from a well meaning sharing of information. I knew it would be harsh, I was brave to not procrastinate and I tried my best. I wss suuper nervous. Even told her I was concerned about this causing her stress. Good experience to observe more neutrally from start to finish her inability to handle a shock(?) and how quickly she starts blaming me. I was prepared more than ever before but it wasn't enough to help me guide her through it.

That's my summary post discussion


About the profile picture... maybe.I'll change it, it's kind of dark and not a perfect picture even if I like it. I kind of promised her but that was before I checked that the current picture was fine.

[15years]

After this, more talk about how this is going to be challenge for the whole family, that there is a significant risk that this will break us apart if we aren't a stronger team than ever, etc...

My "ex" will get to know our son, she'll be visiting his pre-school group a few days per month for a year, it's not ideal for a jealous person. How do I "respect" my wife appropriately in a situation like this without letting it have too much of an effect on our lives?

My stress level is wearing me down. I'm feeling like an emotional wreck myself.

[Notwendy]

At the least, if you want to avoid this immediate situation, you may need to take the boys out of this school but the special ed teacher might work at more than one school. Since you live in the same area, probably the best way to avoid running into anyone you ever even had a crush on is to move somewhere far remote where you don't know anyone.

If this sounds extreme, it's because if your wife can't handle the possibility you might run into an old romantic interest, then how else to avoid that? I am not suggesting you do this. It's walking on eggshells and enabling to do this, but the other option, to see what happens may not be an acceptable choice for you. It's possible the special ed teacher is married or in a committed relationship, and isn't interested and it's possible she doesn't have any interest in you even if she's not.

IMHO, this isn't normal. People bring their spouses and families to high school reunions. Inevitably they run into the high school sweethearts. It's not that big of a deal if it's casual and professional and people have respectable boundaries. Somehow though, it's a big issue for you and your wife in several situations. I am not sure moving would take care of it for her but what other choice do you have other than to let this play out?

[15years]

True.

I hope I wouldn't have such a big struggle minding my own business in the midst of her feelings. I can almost handle rage, but the rest of the disordered responses are hard.

But I'm getting better and better at handling it.

[kells76]

Not sure how workable this would be for you in reality, but one thought that came to mind was to put the work back on your wife. You, after all, aren't the one with the issue with the special ed teacher, it's your wife's issue/feelings/problem.

I wonder what would happen if you told her: "Honey, I'm confident that whenever you run into her, you can signal to her that you and I are committed to each other and neither one of us is available or cares about past relationships. I have full confidence in you! You will do great at communicating our commitment to each other only. We are very married."

Now like I said, is this the right time in your marriage to say that, I don't know.

But the underlying principle is there -- your W keeps putting her emotional problems on you and trying to make them your problems. Declining to take up her problems and feelings, returning them to her, and being "positive" and "confident" that she can solve them however she wants, would be a change, at least.

Anyway, food for thought.

[Notwendy]

I agree with Kells- it's your wife's issue- let her meet the teachers.

The best way to let people know you have a wife is for her to show up and be involved. She's put it on you to change your picture, so to avoid women flirting with you. Well if you show up alone, someone might flirt with you no matter what picture you put up. The best way for her to show everyone that you are married is for her to be involved in this school, meet the parents, and the teachers.

So she finds out your teen love interest is the special ed teacher and gets upset - say " I see you are concerned about this. I think it would help if you met all our son's teachers and be the main contact person for them if they want to speak to a parent"

[15years]

Kells - very good suggestion, will give that a try, it's a whole new perspective that she will like and I may present it from different angles. At the very least it helps me cope to have something to say that could be constructive as a bonus. Instead of just listening to her disordered perspective or feeling trapped in no win arguments.

Last night, I thought I heard: "she has confirmed that she is single now". What she was actually saying was "[celebrities name] has confirmed she is single now". Well unfortunately I thought that I had to act quickly and not "play dumb" so I assumed she was talking about special ed teacher, it wouldn't be the first time she's researching her online.
So I answered her like I thought would be appropriate, and of course that seemed very suspicious to her and made her believe that I'm thinking about ex all the time now, wondering if she's single or not. Didn't turn in to a fight luckily. A quick explanation seemed to work but I was prepared to give up JADE if it would have become circular. Instead it turned into a long discussion about how this is going to be a tough year but that we can grow as a couple.

[Notwendy]

So I answered her like I thought would be appropriate, and of course that seemed very suspicious to her and made her believe that I'm thinking about ex all the time now,

You actually are thinking about your teen love interest a lot, but not for the reason your wife thought. You are worried about your wife's reaction to her and thinking about how to manage that.

It seems as if the conversation turned out OK though and that's good.

[15years]

True, I even said a version of that to her and she didn't freak out about it. Sometimes a bit of JADEing can pass if done carefully and being prepared to give up if it doesn't work. She was in a good mood though, I had been helping her with something before that conversation took place.

[ForeverDad]

At the least, if you want to avoid this immediate situation... probably the best way to avoid running into anyone you ever even had a crush on is to move somewhere far remote where you don't know anyone.

If this sounds extreme... I am not suggesting you do this. It's walking on eggshells and enabling to do this...

The discussion has moved on from this but I wanted to add that another reason a moving concept would fail is that your wife would just discover other traumas/triggers.

The old saying, "If it's not one thing, it's another."  My ex did that, if it wasn't one trigger, it was surely something else that became the trigger of the month or year.  She couldn't let anything go, not permanently.  On the other hand, she never did any therapy either.

The point is that even if you avoid this issue, there will always be other triggers.  While you can do much to lessen the impact, there's only so much you can accomplish on your own.  So much depends on whether she will seek therapy to address these behaviors.

[Notwendy]

Forever Dad is right. I brought up the idea of moving because it was extreme but also it wouldn't work because the issue is with her, not you, or the old gf or anything else you do or don't do. It would be the next pretty teacher, or movie, or book, or picture on a box of food, or picture you post.

[Cat Familiar]

She’s going to do whatever she feels inclined to do. This is completely out of your control.

What’s in your control is how you respond.

The common thread running through your posts is that you are afraid of her and that’s understandable. She has a history of violence toward you.

Apart from that, you are also afraid of her judging you. I get it. Being with someone like that for many years can really diminish your self esteem.

While you cannot stop her from behaving badly, you can, however, not let it affect you so much.

I’m guessing that showing signs of weakness may be what triggers her to behave aggressively.

What do you think would happen if when this teenage crush was mentioned, you said, “That’s ancient history. It has nothing to do with today,” and cut short any further discussion by saying, “I’m done talking about this.”

I’m guessing that you are trying to be too accommodating to her emotions, and by doing so, it opens a door for her to be even more abusive to her.

As others have pointed out, this is a ridiculous thing to be concerned with. If you give it energy by even considering there’s something valid to her emotions, it just gives this issue energy. Shut down the discussions. They become circular arguments that go nowhere and allow her to amp up her emotions.

[Confusion8]

If your partner potentially had traits then what they are feeling is the fear of abandonment possibly. I know I tend to have an overriding feeling  of hatred towards myself and undeservingness so if they are like me they are just scared to lose you so this can come out in different ways. At the end of the day this just shows how much they care and value you, but need to be treated slightly sensitively. How would you deal with someone in fear? Just try to be as reassuring as you can be both with what you say and how you act. Wishing you both all the best