Confused. Is this BpD stalking?

[Silverdash]

Mmkay my friend (exluvr) pwBpD and me have an unusual dynamic. He wanted to meet for lunch. We compare calendars and share options. This is the background to where it gets weird. During the sharing of options I tell him a day and time-period I will in the town next to the town he works in. He says he will be too busy that day. We arrange to meet the end of Sept.

The day I am in the town next to the town he works:
Trains are very infrequent to this area from where I live. I arrive, leave the train station in the direction of the town centre. Who is walking towards me?...pwBpD. He looked straight at me but said nothing. I was so surprised I didnt react and kept walking. We pass each other. It was so weird. Then I started doubting my self. Was it him? (It was him!). I look back and he is continuing to walk away without looking back. I stop my self from running towards him. My brain starts questions. Why didnt he say hi? But I didnt say hi...is he mad because I didnt say hi? My brain starts blaming me. IF ONLY I had reacted. He blanked me because I blanked him etc etc etc

I tried quietening my mind by thinking IF it was him (it definitely was him) he would probably msg me. No msg.

Since then it has been radio silence. No communication for days.

The silence feels like punishment or that I have been fully discarded.

An observation from past and now:
During the silence I started re-reading some of our old msgs. I noticed when I log in within SECONDS he logs in. When we communicated daily I had noted this too but thought it was simply a coincidence or lucky timing. So I did a non-science experiment. I logged in and noted IF he came online after I logged in. YES! Every time I logged in, less than a few seconds later he would log in. He works in tech. I am now wondering if he has an app notifying him of when I log in to certain apps.

I realize I sound paranoid. I realize my recent logging-in and online status awareness behavior could be viewed as stalking. I am confused by the sudden prolonged silence after the encounter in the town next to the town he works in (he would have to walk far and out of his way to get to that train station). Noticing the online thing has me feeling uncomfortable. Again I realize me monitoring the online status thing could also be seen as stalky! Is this the BpD stalking behavior risk Ive read warnings about? I am questioning every thing now. I am even doubting if his GF is really his GF...

[judee]

Hi silverdash,

This is so weird...I can imagine you would want an explanation.
I have no idea if it is possible to do that in text, but I can totally imagine it is, especially when he works in tech.

Sometimes if somebody has the app on his computer, it is always open and it can appear as 'online' all the time. It might take a few seconds for your phone to connect to his status, that is the only logical explanation I can come up with for that.
For him not saying hi.. I don't know.
That is just.. odd.
The thing to me is... when you know you don't feel like this with all people you might be able to assume that you just intuitively feel you can expect anything from this guy.
He isn't trustworthy to you and I think you can trust that, in all this confusion.

[Rev]

Hi Silverdash,

Yes it is stalking or lurking or use whatever term fits the context.

Yes - pwBPD do this for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that for them, they cannot really let go of needing to be in control.

As you awaken to other realizations, you may just come to a point where is does in fact become clear exactly who it is that your ex is. Likely he is not who you thought he was.

Trust your gut. When you listen only to your deep seeded feelings and intuition, what  if any of this relationship is worth salvaging?

Thoughts?

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[judee]

It is also very common for BPD to reject your proposals to meet in order to feel in control and/or make you try harder. My ex used to do this all the time... he wanted to be in charge but at the same time this made him suffer because he wanted to feel wanted as well.
He even once told me he was disappointed that I did not try to call 6 times when he declined my call.

[SinisterComplex]

It is also very common for BPD to reject your proposals to meet in order to feel in control and/or make you try harder. My ex used to do this all the time... he wanted to be in charge but at the same time this made him suffer because he wanted to feel wanted as well.
He even once told me he was disappointed that I did not try to call 6 times when he declined my call.

While this is common among BPD sufferers we also have to be mindful that it has unfortunately become commonplace in general. I see these kinds of behaviors regardless of a personality disorder being involved. Instead of personality disorders I would actually blame it more on how our society has evolved and the lack of actual connection and communication. In essence in our digital world many people never develop proper communication and relationship skills because their behaviors they display through digital means gets normalized so they never learn proper boundaries and how to deal with confrontation and conflict.

Just some food for thought there.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Silverdash]

Thank you every one for your replies.

@Rev yeah I can see behind the Bpd curtain..he has pretended to be that character. I randomly met a person who knows him. We spent a few days together. I could see which parts of this man he copied. He has even copied this man's stories and jokes.

My ex has been in contact again and I can see his language choices, spellings, slang and punctuation are completely different. Its like talking to a completely different person.

I feel like he has lied to me and taken advantage of my good nature

@sinistercomplex It confuses me trying to separate the BpD diagnosis from the person...BUT then when he pretends to be some one else and mirrors, it feels impossible. I feel like the crazy paranoid one.

[SinisterComplex]

Thank you every one for your replies.

@Rev yeah I can see behind the Bpd curtain..he has pretended to be that character. I randomly met a person who knows him. We spent a few days together. I could see which parts of this man he copied. He has even copied this man's stories and jokes.

My ex has been in contact again and I can see his language choices, spellings, slang and punctuation are completely different. Its like talking to a completely different person.

I feel like he has lied to me and taken advantage of my good nature

@sinistercomplex It confuses me trying to separate the BpD diagnosis from the person...BUT then when he pretends to be some one else and mirrors, it feels impossible. I feel like the crazy paranoid one.

Keep yourself grounded and do not question yourself. You must always live your truth. You will see me mention this repeatedly as I have done so over the years I have been here. I certainly understand how hard it is. Keep in mind you don't know who the real person is because they do not know who they really are.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Silverdash]

@judee the shifting goal posts confuse me. The middle ground dosnt exist. He talks on communicating clearly BUT dosnt. Accusations of me being too needy and then not needy enuff.