Laundry

[Anonymous22]

Yesterday our dryer broke, we had been anticipating it happening soon (I do all of the laundry, including my husbands).  I text my uBPDh (who was at work) to let him know.  He responded saying ok, that he would look at washers and dryers today, he seemed to be in a good mood.  He then sent me a couple of options seeing which I liked.  I mentioned that I liked one of them better than the other and was happy because that pair was a good amount cheaper than the other ones he had sent.  To which he responded that he wasn't worried about cheaper since we just had to spend a good amount on trying to fix our original dryer.  We agreed that we would go to look at them that night...he had originally said that he was going to go, but I offered to go as well as I figured that it is a household purchase that I should be there for it.  We ended up having to meet at the store, as he left work later than planned...I missed his text and didn't respond back to him for 8 minutes (which to him is a lifetime) as I was nursing one of my children.  When I responded back, I got no response back from him.  The kids and I get over to the appliance area and go say "hi" to him, joking and being playful.  He immediately says well which one do you want?  I tell him that I am not sure, that I thought that we were going to look at them together.  He then says, so did you bring your wallet, because I'm not putting this on any credit card that has my name on it as I put the couch on it and my rules of no eating on it and no sleeping on it got broken right away...he and the one year old eat on the couch and we all sleep on the couch (he puts our son to down to nap on the couch and at times watches tv until super late at night going in and out of sleep), but who doesn't sleep on a couch!  Mind you...I don't have a credit card that doesn't have his name on it...I have a credit card that was originally mine and we put his name on it when we got married.  I tell him that I don't understand why he is acting this way especially since he had just said that he wasn't worried about spending the extra to get a good one.  He kept saying that "he pays for everything" which is a complete lie and he kept going on about how much he does and that I pay for nothing.  I told him that I wasn't sure what to do, that we needed a dryer.  He kept telling me that it was my responsibility and not his.  I said that I guess that I would have to go to the laundry mat and he said that that sounded good.  I then decided that I didn't want to do this in the store and that I would just purchase a cheap one and go from there.  So I asked a sales person for help and to check on some stock for me.  As I asked the guy to look at delivery for me, my husband called the sales person over and instead completely switched the order.  I walked away and played with the kids.  When it was time to go, he asked me if I was at least going to say "thank you".  I told him that I had no idea what he had done/purchased as I was not a part of the transaction.  He said that he got a washer and dryer and then said that I was so "ungrateful".  We left the store, with the kids all choosing to go with me in my car.  When we got home, we had to pick up my son from his practice, he had set up all of his work stuff in the kitchen and was working.  The kids all went to the tv room that is not attached to the kitchen to play.  The 1 year old kept going back and forth between the kids and I and my husband, which I tried to encourage.  A little while later, he came into the room where the kids were playing and asked them to move to the other room, where the one year old and I were then, with a tv as he was going to be watching "his" tv in this room.  The kids all relaxed with me and then we went up to bed.  This morning, I tried to be as normal as possible before I left for work.  Which is what I am wanting to do always, but it is really hard to do normal when you are getting jolted left and right.  Any suggestions on how I could have done better in this situation in not letting his behavior get to me?         

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jabberwocky]

I'm so new to this so I don't have great insight into BPD or how to respond (I fear I've been doing it wrong for 30 years), but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.  I would say that from what I heard that you were able to not get drawn into a fight here (especially w/r/t a somewhat minor issue like a washer and dryer).  I've found that the biggest battles with my uBPDw have been initiated by the littlest things, and I tend to get sucked in pretty quickly.  I'm looking forward to my next opportunity to give in on something small.   

Also, your couch example is something that I've seen.  There is an always growing list of things that will irritate her, and I sometimes feel like I'm set up to fail, like there are landmines everywhere, and way-less-than-perfect me has a tendency to step on them.  When I do, what should be an "oops" sorry, becomes a much greater ordeal?  Still don't know what to do then. 

[Anonymous22]

While I probably should have walked away sooner and not even flinched at his comments, and gone to the laundry mat (I am sure that I would be accused of having an affair while doing so...but magically our clothes would still get done!) until he switched into a better mood, I think that I did ok...the initial part of this sentence is what I wish I was able to do!  Hopefully someday!  It amazes me how he didn't even care that we were in a public place, though I am not sure why as its not the first time.  I did hold back on him asking me if I was going to say thank you...as I wanted to say are you going to thank me for doing ALL of your laundry and ALL of 5 kid's laundry...so who is the ungrateful one!  BUT...I didn't!   

[Cat Familiar]

I think you did fine. It’s really difficult when your partner chooses to make a scene in a public place. The *expecting gratitude* part sucks. Good that you ducked that one. No good would have come of responding, though it would have felt so momentarily satisfying.

In an alternate reality I could imagine going to the laundromat and leaving his clothes in the hamper. 

[Couscous]

No doubt your being 8 minutes late triggered him massively. He does stuff like this in public so that you will be more likely to appease him instead of setting a limit — kids do this a lot.

Agreed that walking out and going to the laundromat was the best course of action. “I’m sorry you’re not in a good mood right now…let’s reschedule this for when you are.” But progress, not perfection as they say. The most important thing is that you do not take responsibility for his feelings, and that you don’t make yourself available as an emotional punching bag, and it sounds like you’re doing that for the most part. So well done.

Have you read Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist yet?

[mitten]

Sounds like you handled it well...  I too constantly struggle with the walking on eggshell part and not letting my uBPDw ruin the mood.  Everything they do is so ridiculous.  Almost feels like I'm married to a moody child at times. 

The 8 minute late part cracks me up.  I often have to wait on my wife whether we are meeting for lunch or going somewhere.  The reality is that someone will always have to wait.  It's rare that 2 people arrive anywhere at the EXACT same time.  So when she gives me crap about being 2-3 minutes late to a lunch, I say "well one of us would have to wait for the other... why should it always be me?"  That usually shuts her up.

[Turkish]

.I don't have a credit card that doesn't have his name on it...I have a credit card that was originally mine and we put his name on it when we got married.  

This sounds like borderline financial abuse.

[Couscous]

This sounds like borderline financial abuse.

Here are some additional red flags for financial abuse.

  He then says, so did you bring your wallet, because I'm not putting this on any credit card that has my name on it

  He kept saying that "he pays for everything" which is a complete lie and he kept going on about how much he does and that I pay for nothing. 

  He kept telling me that it was my responsibility and not his.

  my husband called the sales person over and instead completely switched the order. 

  When it was time to go, he asked me if I was at least going to say "thank you". He said that he got a washer and dryer and then said that I was so "ungrateful".

[Couscous]

Just thought I’d share this article about how one can protect one’s sense of self while in relationship with a pwBPD that is highly relevant to this thread:  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201411/the-borderline-parent-survival-guide

Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder (IBPD) present a threat to the sense of self of those in sustained relationships with them. This holds particularly for their children, but spouses can suffer as well.

If you have spent years trying to placate an IBPD and you decide now to get off the merry-go-round, you will almost certainly incur rage. The longer you have allowed the abuse the longer it will take for the rage to begin to dissipate. It will never fully remit but if you make it clear that expression of rage will induce separation while more socialized responses will yield a more positive result, there will be a gradual acceptance.

[Anonymous22]

Thank you everyone!  No I haven't had a chance to read the "Stop Caretaking" book yet as I am currently reading "Raising Resilient Children with a BP or NP" though that one is next on my list!

[Confoosed]

I think you did very well, i would have been triggered.  Thanks for sharing what i think is a sucess story.

[mitten]

Thank you everyone!  No I haven't had a chance to read the "Stop Caretaking" book yet as I am currently reading "Raising Resilient Children with a BP or NP" though that one is next on my list!

You'll find a lot of the content overlapping, with Raising Resilient Children being more specific to your needs, while Stop Caretaking goes deeper on the relationship between you and the BPD.  Both incredible books that resonated so much with me.  Although I have to read- and re-read them (listen to the audiobooks actually) because BPD is so counter intuitive and confusing to me it's easy to forget.