Withdrawal

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Currently in shock following an intense encounter with a man who utterly hit me from the side and changed my world.  Otherwise known as the asteroid.

In 7 months we went from random online pals who spoke every now and then about general chitchat to this intense and effed up sexual friendship from the end of June until recently. 14 weeks of absolute bliss and torture. A heady combination.

I feel utterly depleted. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically. Financially. I’m a wreck experiencing withdrawals like some drug addict. It’s pathetic and logically I saw this coming a mile off but I ignored every doubt and burned in the fire.

I gave everything I had and it was never enough. That black hole within him was and remains limitless. What’s worse is that I gave it willingly, going without and depleting my bank account to ensure his happiness and I basked in the glory and adoration he bestowed upon me. A effed up transaction. The initial intensity was overwhelming but quickly disarmed me.

I’m 37 and I have barely survived a 14 week idealisation and devaluation/discard from the man I thought was the other half of my soul. How pathetic.

I deserve no sympathy, I was in a sedate and somewhat boring long term relationship that me and my partner had both neglected.

The asteroid warned me that he had red flags and was no good for me but also that he was addicted and couldn’t walk away.  Like a fool I basked in the warm and nourishing sunshine of his attention and ‘love’ when I should’ve taken those warnings and escaped with my sanity and my dignity. Instead I sit here a hollow and confused husk.

I mistakenly believed our meeting was divine.  Googling this intense connection threw up ‘Twin Flames’ and I bought into it 100%. He lapped it up, “I really hope we are…the love I feel for you is so different to before I’m beginning to question if I’ve been in love before…you are everything…”

Our connection felt magical, fated…like we were mirrors of one another, destined to be together and striving to make one another and ourselves the best versions that we could possibly be.  I envisioned a life with this damaged asteroid who had been terribly mistreated and abandoned all of his life and was trying to be a better man.

But it was all a mirage, it was the BPD cycle. I was idealised. I’m smart enough to know better but ill equipped to have resisted the charms of the incubus who has literally become an addiction.

The awe I had of this dangerous yet misunderstood individual is sickeningly naive.

I am not exaggerating when I say the pain is visceral. I feel like I’ve been mortally wounded and if I survive this, which I’m sure I will (although I’m not sure I want to), I will be branded forevermore.

The most extreme happiness and sadness I have ever experienced. Potent.

The downward slide began from the end of august when I was unexpectedly ghosted for 9 days. I have no idea why this happened but he returned unexpectedly and we resumed a passionate online affair for a number of weeks with me desperately seeking more closeness.  I felt traumatised with the sudden absence and resolved to never lose him again.  This was the fatal error or perhaps my salvation (had this gone on longer I doubt I’d have been able to survive).  I disempowered myself and utterly adored him, the power dynamic shifted. I was no longer new, fresh or a challenge.  The distance began to grow, it gnawed at me and he dismissed my worries as silly insecurities.  I gave and gave and gave.  But your gut knows. 

He started messaging intermittently, making excuses about his absence. I felt I’d been replaced and I’m sure that is what was happening.  His Facebook profile had another girl tagged in various posts.  He suddenly changed his mind about us. Saying he felt guilty that I have a partner. But I know that was a pathetic excuse.  In that time I had informed my partner that I was unhappy and I was desperately trying to manoeuvre things to enable me and the asteroid to be together without any barriers but he had long since checked out. 

I asked repeatedly, please just be straight with me, if all you want is friendship I can take it, feelings change.  He couldn’t and wouldn’t give me an answer. I was ignored once more. 

Unable to live in limbo I sent him a message wishing him and his sons well and encouraged him to get therapy.  He hasn’t read the message.

The emotional whiplash is insane. I am reeling.

I’m not seeking sympathy. I feel like a despicable person for betraying my partner like this and we are now speaking more openly about longstanding issues to try and salvage our relationship.  I feel like I was in a lust cloud.  Every decision was made with the asteroids best interests over the past months and now I’m bereft at losing him.

I’m also somewhat relieved. I couldn’t sustain the effort required of me.  But mostly I feel empty.  Used, abused, manipulated.  A naive woman who tasted heroin in human form.  I’m only glad we never physically met.

Fearing he was as close to heaven that I will achieve.  My mental health has dived. I hope to feel happy again.

Withdrawal sucks.

[Hollowedout]

Currently in shock following an intense encounter with a man who utterly hit me from the side and changed my world.  Otherwise known as the asteroid.

In 7 months we went from random online pals who spoke every now and then about general chitchat to this intense and effed up sexual friendship from the end of June until recently. 14 weeks of absolute bliss and torture. A heady combination.

I feel utterly depleted. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically. Financially. I’m a wreck experiencing withdrawals like some drug addict. It’s pathetic and logically I saw this coming a mile off but I ignored every doubt and burned in the fire.

I gave everything I had and it was never enough. That black hole within him was and remains limitless. What’s worse is that I gave it willingly, going without and depleting my bank account to ensure his happiness and I basked in the glory and adoration he bestowed upon me. A effed up transaction. The initial intensity was overwhelming but quickly disarmed me.

I’m 37 and I have barely survived a 14 week idealisation and devaluation/discard from the man I thought was the other half of my soul. How pathetic.

I deserve no sympathy, I was in a sedate and somewhat boring long term relationship that me and my partner had both neglected.

The asteroid warned me that he had red flags and was no good for me but also that he was addicted and couldn’t walk away.  Like a fool I basked in the warm and nourishing sunshine of his attention and ‘love’ when I should’ve taken those warnings and escaped with my sanity and my dignity. Instead I sit here a hollow and confused husk.

I mistakenly believed our meeting was divine.  Googling this intense connection threw up ‘Twin Flames’ and I bought into it 100%. He lapped it up, “I really hope we are…the love I feel for you is so different to before I’m beginning to question if I’ve been in love before…you are everything…”

Our connection felt magical, fated…like we were mirrors of one another, destined to be together and striving to make one another and ourselves the best versions that we could possibly be.  I envisioned a life with this damaged asteroid who had been terribly mistreated and abandoned all of his life and was trying to be a better man.

But it was all a mirage, it was the BPD cycle. I was idealised. I’m smart enough to know better but ill equipped to have resisted the charms of the incubus who has literally become an addiction.

The awe I had of this dangerous yet misunderstood individual is sickeningly naive.

I am not exaggerating when I say the pain is visceral. I feel like I’ve been mortally wounded and if I survive this, which I’m sure I will (although I’m not sure I want to), I will be branded forevermore.

The most extreme happiness and sadness I have ever experienced. Potent.

The downward slide began from the end of august when I was unexpectedly ghosted for 9 days. I have no idea why this happened but he returned unexpectedly and we resumed a passionate online affair for a number of weeks with me desperately seeking more closeness.  I felt traumatised with the sudden absence and resolved to never lose him again.  This was the fatal error or perhaps my salvation (had this gone on longer I doubt I’d have been able to survive).  I disempowered myself and utterly adored him, the power dynamic shifted. I was no longer new, fresh or a challenge.  The distance began to grow, it gnawed at me and he dismissed my worries as silly insecurities.  I gave and gave and gave.  But your gut knows. 

He started messaging intermittently, making excuses about his absence. I felt I’d been replaced and I’m sure that is what was happening.  His Facebook profile had another girl tagged in various posts.  He suddenly changed his mind about us. Saying he felt guilty that I have a partner. But I know that was a pathetic excuse.  In that time I had informed my partner that I was unhappy and I was desperately trying to manoeuvre things to enable me and the asteroid to be together without any barriers but he had long since checked out. 

I asked repeatedly, please just be straight with me, if all you want is friendship I can take it, feelings change.  He couldn’t and wouldn’t give me an answer. I was ignored once more. 

Unable to live in limbo I sent him a message wishing him and his sons well and encouraged him to get therapy.  He hasn’t read the message.

The emotional whiplash is insane. I am reeling.

I’m not seeking sympathy. I feel like a despicable person for betraying my partner like this and we are now speaking more openly about longstanding issues to try and salvage our relationship.  I feel like I was in a lust cloud.  Every decision was made with the asteroids best interests over the past months and now I’m bereft at losing him.

I’m also somewhat relieved. I couldn’t sustain the effort required of me.  But mostly I feel empty.  Used, abused, manipulated.  A naive woman who tasted heroin in human form.  I’m only glad we never physically met.

Fearing he was as close to heaven that I will achieve.  My mental health has dived. I hope to feel happy again.

Withdrawal sucks.

[once removed]

hi Hollowedout, and

you are experiencing more than withdrawal.

you are experiencing grief. grief is never easy. grief is complicated.

in this case, made more complicated by factors like grieving what you hoped for, but never got to realize, and a lack of closure.

but it also runs a bit deeper than grief.

in a lot of ways, this relationship was an escape, and a rejuvenating one. an escape from an unhappy relationship, and the general unhappiness that surrounded it. youre not alone in that regard. a lot of us (most of us) found our bpd loved ones at a "low" time in our lives.

the loss of that, even when it isnt traumatic, is, frankly, a bummer. i remember a time many years ago, and not all that long after my ex, that was mostly an online thing, and an all consuming one. we talked all day. i always felt like i was getting somewhere, closer to making a relationship with her a reality. ultimately, it went badly, and then i was left with my boring, empty life again on top of my complicated feelings.

what is important is to acknowledge, lean into, fully feel your grief, and fully grieve. it is the way out of the pain youre in now. it is the way into new, better, beginnings.

[Hollowedout]

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond. Yes, it feels like grief, like happiness has been drained from me. All very melodramatic but as you say I’m trying to feel the feelings to avoid any unprocessed trauma further down the line.  If he reaches out again I will feel traumatised but I can’t bring myself to block him entirely just yet. There’s also a part of me that is afraid of him feeling anger at a rejection he caused and coming after me. It’s a messed up situation to find myself in. If this is the price of his ‘love’,  I don’t want it again.

[Gemini1967]

Hi Withdrawal

I'm sorry you are experiencing this pain. Its pretty awful and a real shock to the system. Totally get it and feel for you in current position of this asteroid now moving elsewhere in the universe and you being left behind to face consequences, and/or where you go from here with regard to your relationship, your partners views and feelings, and digesting what has happened to you here.

Very difficult time and maybe this had to happen to uncover what was going wrong with your long term relationship. Sometimes these things make or break us. Time will tell.

I suppose I'm responding to this from your long term partner's perspective in that I am him and my long term partner (6 years) who I consider to have significant traits of non diagnosed pw/BPD, is/was in similar position to you -albeit this was a real physical contact with a person she met online .

I was blindsided by her in December last year at a time when both my father and then my mother went into end of life care - both dying within a couple of months of each other this year.

She (in her words) met a chap on a dating site (I presume similar to your circumstances) at the end of November (her words) and I was dumped first week in December by text. I was given no face to face closure , it was brutal and she told me that the relationship wasn't working, that it had no future, and that I was to move on.

I was blocked, threatened with her reporting me to the police if I was to contact her again  - and that was it after 6 years. I only found out the following week that she had actually met someone when she had to flee from this chap when she turned up at his house and he was drunk and tried to pin her to the sofa.

The full story of which you can read on here on this page under: Is This Normal Behaviour Please?

Pretty awful and I am still in trauma from all this  - mixed in with the loss of my parents and the loss of my relationship with her children of whom I was very close too, particularly the daughter, who I knew since she was 1 year old - so like a stepdad really.

My ex was clearly unhappy, but never sat down with me to discuss the relationship, where it wasn't working and or what could we do to fix it. She decided to get in the lifeboat then blow the ship up...  All for a chap who basically love bombed her, promised all things, was her 'knight in shining armour' (in her words), and effectively imploded the lot to cut and run with a stranger... (Who, clearly is not right himself, and going by his social media, is utterly self obsessed, self absorbed, narcissistic man in his 50's)

She was sold on whatever magic he dusted upon her, and floated off on a pink love bubble. Was all over his social media within a couple of weeks, spent Christmas and new year with him, and she went on holiday with him and her kids, 2/3 months after meeting him (the holiday I was supposed to be going on with her)

So you can imagine the devastation this had on me - whilst caring for two dying parents. She never looked back, she wasn't there when I needed her support, she went for grass is greener...   

Unlike your position, she obviously took things further then just online affair. I do not know if she is happy or not, I do not know if she now thinks that she made a huge mistake, I do not know if she carries regret, shame or guilt, she has never shown any, nor any compassion or empathy with regard to the impact this had on me.

Yes, we were together a long time, I had invested a lot into her x3 kids whom all doted on me, we had been on holiday together just a few months before this all happened. I do not know how and why she brought such destruction to my life. I wasn't a monster, I never abused her, we never even had an argument. I loved her for everything she was. But for all I know she could have been having an online affair with this chap for months before coming out with it. Maybe I'll never get the truth.

What I do know, is that every other month or so, she does unblock me on whatsapp - sometimes a day, a few days, more recently a whole week... She doesn't reach out, I stay unblocked then I'm re blocked.  It makes me ill to be honest because I don't understand it. The last time she did this I contacted her and asked her outright why, but she denied doing it saying it wasn't her and she doesn't know how it happened. Which is clearly rubbish. All it does is further the damage to be honest.

My personal opinion (based on some things from FB) is that maybe the new relationship is not stable,  that this guy is all rather fake, that he isn't interested in a real relationship, and is already becoming a bit of a handful for her - I don't know (maybe that's wishful thinking on my part)

But, if a person goes to those lengths to remove them self from a relationship because they have found 'the one' - then I doubt very much you would already be looking back at your ex or waving your flag in front of them after the damage you did (unless she really is so very sick and cruel).

Something is not right there, and the most recent unblocking coincides with her deactivating her FB account same time ... But, as I say, I am still struggling with the pain and the hurt and letting go has been so very very difficult for me (which you can probably tell in these few sentences).

Who knows what it means. Yes I'd like her to have a full and frank conversation with me and say 'I made such a huge error and total mess of it' but I doubt I'll ever get that, she is too defiant to admit its all imploded etc. But its where I am, and its where you are from that perspective now..

You were reeled in by this chap who seemed to promise the world, that you were twin flames, soul mates, burn and die together and all the rest of it, but it was fake, illusionary, and built on a fake world, a fake reality online - not real. Either way, he hooked you, played with you like a cat with a mouse, then disappeared leaving you so mortally wounded. There are thousands that behave like this online. Blogs all over of women experiencing such - maybe even my own ex if she is now realising what she has lost.

You still have the chance to recover from this. Build something new and alive with your long term partner, or come to the realisation that it has come to its natural end - which is fair enough. You have not done the damage my ex inflicted on me. You do recognise where you went, what you surrendered and the guilt you feel for what you did. These are all positives and I really admire you for coming out like this and sharing your turmoil in such honest and well written way. You were entrapped and sold a lie. sold a dream . by a someone who was not real in the physical sense.

It will take time to recover. To reflect. But the bigger picture has yet to reveal itself to you. I wish you much love on this new journey

Gemini1967

[Hollowedout]

Thank you, I really appreciate your response and thought provoking comments.  I have been too wrapped up in the BPD bubble of the asteroid’s world for too long and it’s helpful to see outside of that as I don’t want this to define me or limit my happiness anymore than it already has.  I fear there’s yet a long road to travel in processing this but Atleast I’m being honest with myself which is a start.

I think a part of me posting was to help myself process this shock…the first evening when I realised it was ‘over’ I could actually feel my body vibrating with icy shock.  For some days since I’ve found myself alternating between sheer stubborn determination to move on and a dreamlike denial of what I’ve experienced.  It’s like I’m still under some kind of hazy spell but I can feel some reality beginning to edge in now.

I’m not a superficial person by nature but it was like he was designed for me in every possible way.  I initially wasn’t bowled over by his looks, it was his personality that captivated me and gradually he just became perfection.  His voice just did things to me.  We were so similar in our quirky point of view and I felt like I’d found my kindred spirit.   

It’s only now that I’m realising he was like some polymorph adapting himself to achieve maximum closeness and he will be totally different now as he’s focussing on someone else.  It’s like I fell in love during a dream and my heart is utterly shattered at waking up in this reality of a life without the man I fell for as he was also just a dream. I think he cared to the extent of his ability but I was a thing to him.

I do also believe people play roles in your life and he’s certainly been a catalyst for change.  Hopefully positive change in my relationship with my partner and also in my relationship with myself as I recognise that I fell in love with the way he made me feel about myself too.  I am a natural giver.  My happiness centres on the happiness of others and I feel that I do not know who I am or what makes me happy anymore.

The whole experience was addictive.  The highs, the lows, the unpredictability…the rush. My neurochemistry must have been off the charts with flooding of dopamine and serotonin and now I’m withdrawing from that.  Biologically speaking there’s a limbic bond that’s been established and will take time to fade.  My heart hurts and I feel so foolish and frightened of ever being vulnerable with anyone ever again.

I am shocked to the core at how far things went. I have never did anything remotely similar before and did not set out with any intentions to have an emotional online affair.  I’m disgusted with myself but I’m human and I’m trying to be better.  I’ll learn from this and I hope I get over him and do not succumb to any possible haunting or attempts at idealisation again. 

I know my worth, I know I would’ve had his back though it all to the detriment of my own well-being as I have certainly suffered and gone without over the past months.  I wanted us to be happy together but that was never an option, certainly not without him meaningfully engaging in treatment.  He once told me that he would likely end up dead or in jail without me and I believe him.  His life is brutal and sad.  Maybe the happiness I brought was too alien and scary.  Maybe this brutal discard saved me from myself.

It’ll all be ok.  That’s what I tell myself.  It’s not how I wanted it to turn out but I can’t control another person anymore than I can turn night into day.  All I can control is myself and I want to be happy.

Thanks again