pwBPD forbids me from telling anyone of her diagnosis?

[Buddy Joe]

It took me more than 2 years in our current almost 4-year relationship to open up to a friend about my girlfriend’s diagnosis despite her statement of prohibiting me from telling anyone about her diagnosis. I’ve always respected her take on this because for me it was her story to tell. I just reached a point that I’ve had enough and things were unbearable. I needed to talk to someone to maintain my sanity. I was at my lowest point and questioned all of my decisions and however my mind was wired. I questioned everything about myself.

As I was able to immerse myself in this forum and read more about BPD, I was surprised that others were going through the same thing. The main difference was other people had support. I felt like she cut off my legs when I believed and respected her not to tell a soul about her diagnosis. She can openly talk to her friends about our problems. If I would do that I already knew my friends wouldn’t understand and would just immediately tell me to leave her, discounting the fact that they didn’t know about her diagnosis. This I found unfair for my girlfriend because I needed sound advice considering her diagnosis at the same time.

I opened up to her that I needed support. She didn’t like the idea and just thought of me as someone who was a blabber mouth, one who couldn’t respect her decision. She said among all the flings and short-term relationships she had none of them knew, I was the only one. She pegged the others who were introverts as someone who never shared how crazy she was. There was just one extrovert ex that told everyone how nasty she was then. She didn’t want a repeat performance of that. I’m an extrovert but I respected her take on this from the onset, which left me confused and struggled all throughout our relationship then.

Asking for support or talking to someone about my relationships problems felt taboo to me. At the end, I was at the losing end of things because I had no one to talk to and I couldn’t resolve this on my own.

She said she’d rather break up with me or not have a partner in the future and just a companion. I told her your past, current and future will need support to make things work out.

She never got it. I’m still the bad person just trying to make things work and again always pushing me away.

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[arjay]

Greetings.  Yes I have been there.  I think "shame" plays a big part in this. What is important is that you learn as much as you can about BPD and your ability to make a relationship work with a BPD partner.  It's no small task and it takes you understanding yourself as much as understanding her.  Yes you do need to talk to someone; learn as much as you can.  Try re-framing that you need counseling to work on yourself "to make things better". 

Learning is about respect for her condition and you trying to be more understanding.   Having said that, it would be difficult for any of us with emotional issues to support our partner getting counseling to discuss how "emotionally unhealthy" we were.  Re-framing it to "you needing it to work on you", may make it more palatable for her.

Isolation is often a big part of how these relationships can evolve; isolating the non-BPD from family, friends, etc.  I experienced the same.  In the end, learning all you can and utilizing the tools presented here will help you to not make things worse.  I didn't know about this site until after my relationship ended.  It would have helped tremendously in understanding what I was dealing-with and whether it was something to which I could make work.

At the end of the day, you have to look at yourself as well and decide if you have what it takes to make it work.  Your partner may not really change, so the change will have to come from you.

All the best

[hurtingbad]

Buddy Joe,
I have always been in the same situation of having no one to talk to about any of this.  I no longer have any friends nearby.  The only people close I could talk to would be my uBPDh's parents or my son and his wife.  If I were to bring any of this up to my in-laws, just to have someone to talk to, there is NO way they wouldn't say anything to my h.  My son, unfortunately, also has some BPD traits, so I could talk to him and/or his wife, but that just doesn't seem right to me.  Our son dealt with his dad's anger growing up, so although we did not have a label for it, they do know there is a problem.  I had previously talked to my son and DIL about issues they were having, but thankfully, she seems to be a stronger person than I am, and my son is aware and working on his issues, so they seem to be doing better (as far as I know).  I work in a place where I am the only woman, so not only is there no one at work I would talk to, but I can't even talk about my day with my h without another man being involved in the story, which opens it's own can of worms!

Like you, when I found this forum I was extremely surprised by the amount of people going thru similar situations, so at least we now have people here to talk to      My h acknowledges that he has issues (he mentions bipolar on occasion, but we will never know as he will never see a therapist).  Recently, when he was apologizing (again) for the most recent argument, he said, "...I am my mothers' son, and we both know she's crazy..." so I know he knows something isn't right.  That seems like all I will ever be able to hope for, as knowing there is a problem doesn't ever stop him from acting on it

I had come here years ago when I was searching for why things were the way they were.  I had gotten away from it for awhile and have recently returned as nothing has gotten any better.  I'm sure more of us than we think have no one to talk to, but at least here we can all talk to each other    Even if I don't have any good/useful advise, I do have ears and really appreciate all the support here.

[SaltyDawg]

Been there too.

But, it was our couple's therapists who forbid me from telling my wife that, after I shared what I had learned from my individual therapist [whom I saw on an ultimatum from my uBPDw as I am the one who needed to be 'fixed'].  So, in response to not being allowed to share, I started to parade the symptoms of my wife's BPD that my uBPDw told me not to tell the therapist (T).  The T gaslighted me and told me not to pile it [more crap] on my wife [after my wife previously and freely admitted to trying to commit suicide and being physically abusive towards me to the same counselor -- both of which are major symptoms/traits of being BPD]

I'm not one to mince words, or hide things, especially of something of this magnitude, so my wife now knows about my [unprofessional] diagnosis of her BPD after our couples T teased it out of me when she was confronting me on what I had talked about with my step-brother on the topic after my step brother had raised some concerns.  I feel that our couple's T of the past 3 years has ghosted us by deliberately filling the time slots that she promised to my wife with other patients.  Our T's countertransference is not acceptable, especially when it was her 'homework' that she (T) gave us triggered the most recent Suicide attempt in my irrational uBPDw.  The good news, is that my wife is seeking out another couple's therapist (after she fired all the ones that I hired) to fix me of my 'jaDe' issue - I am too defensive.  I will JADE if she asks me; however, I wont if she is irrationally splitting / raging.

I just recently learned about the Borderline.  The more I learned, the more it explained the splitting personality (viewed me as either all good or all evil), the irrational rages, the suicide attempts, the abandonment issues, etc., etc.

To learn more about BPD I read Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger is another good book to learn about BPD.

To manage the insanity, I can personally recommend this book (free at my local public library):  Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life by Margalis Fjelstad

Only word of advise it to implement these tools very very slowly if a therapist is not willing to work with you on this, as it will explode in your face if you go to fast.  The plus side, it revealed even more hidden symptoms which removed any doubt as to what I am dealing with in my wife.

[Manic Miner]

Isolation is often a big part of how these relationships can evolve; isolating the non-BPD from family, friends, etc.  I experienced the same.  

Can you please elaborate this more, what's in their minds to isolate the non-BPD from friends? Do they think we are going to expose them somehow or what?

@BuddyJoe Most of the stuff you described is what I also experienced. I don't have many close friends and I am an introvert. I never thought it was "fair" to share our problems to anyone. One, because I was sad about her myself, maybe even hoping there was nothing wrong and two, because I thought (our) friends would take sides. I didn't want sides or pats on the back. I didn't want anyone saying something bad about her, like 'oh she's crazy!'. I needed someone to really understand and take an unbiased view, helping me to see broader picture and maybe offer suggestion where to go from there.

Sadly, that never happened. I told my cousin about some of my problems with W and well, she instantly related and started telling her own problems in marriage. That's... not the way I hoped for. While I appreciate her supporting me, I wasn't there to talk how bad my W or her H was, but to try see it better. Sure we eased some of our frustrations, but it wasn't that much helpful.

I guess, most people talk by sharing similar stories and problems of their own, regardless of the cause. Here we are on this forum, doing something similar, but at least we do know what you are talking about and how that feels. I guess that's the way it goes.

What other guys here told you is what I can also confirm. PwBPD don't like being talked about, esp. not about their problems. But they feel free to talk about their own issues with you to others. They lack capacity for any insight. However, do note that they probably won't talk about you on a deeper level, as by doing so, they risk of exposing themselves too. Most people around them can and will probably chose sides, but truly, they don't know much about anything.

[Ergonomics]

I've been learning a concept of emotional safety that has really helped me with my case. My partner wanted to leave because she was utterly depressed, and she said she was "having a mid-life crisis" and did not want me to tell anyone about it.

Here's the thinking that I learned that really changed the game for me - Your partner doesn't feel hopeless because of the BPD issues, the mid-life crisis, her depression, etc...She feels hopeless because she currently does not feel safe to go through them with you.

When I realized that, that changed everything for me.

I began to realize the very subtle ways I would destroy safety.

I began to realize the important of creating this safety.

Now, we're 6 months into creating safety, and things haven't been better. Her commitment for the relationship is like never before, and the best part, I actually find tat she is so much more open to my coaching, the coaching of her therapist, and everyone as she feels safer.

[SaltyDawg]

Ergo,

   Where can I learn more about 'creating safety'?

   This concept is piquing my interest as my previous reactive abuse [which ironically increased when utilizing communication tools of our couple's counselor who specializes in DBT*] in response to my uBPDw's rages [I eventually yelled back with reactive abuse for a minute or two after she had been yelling inches away from my face for up to just over 7 hours - typically 2-4 hours] may have eroded her sense of 'safety'.  However, creating 'safety' like I was below, can also be a bad thing, read my experience below...

   *Our couple's counselor who did not, could not, and would not recognize the possibility of BPD [with perhaps the exception of the last few sessions where she promptly ghosted us by giving away my wife's timeslot to other patients, she abandoned my wife when we were finally getting into what I just recently perceived, with the assistance of a therapist who also holds a PhD in psychology, as the root cause of the problem, we are now looking for a new couple's counselor] in my wife encouraged me to communicate [the "E" part of J.A.D.E.] with my Borderline wife while she was splitting which then turned into a full blown Borderline rage. 

----

M-Miner,

   I too have been isolated, but I feel that it was more of a unintentional manipulation tactic to get me to self-isolate in my case.

   Background:  A decade ago, when my daughter was 2 going on 3, I was between sea-going jobs, so for a while I became "Mr. Mom" and helped out with raising our daughter, especially since my wife is a work-a-holic and she could concentrate on her work (just recently, I suspect a comorbidity of OCPD, but haven't fully explored that yet and I digress).  I scheduled playdates, went to the reading programs at the library, and had lunch with the other parents and their children, 1 dad, and several mom's and two grandmom's on a regular basis and shared with them hidden secrets of the area that my wife initially shared with me -- specifically a park that had a covered wooden bridge and another less well known park with an antique covered wooden slide that is 25 feet high and 50 feet long on a church owned park, that almost no-one knew about from that group.  My wife initially shared these parks with me, as she grew up very close to the giant wooden slide.

   A few weeks later when I was sharing with my wife (uBPD) about what I was doing with this group (predominately other moms with tots) she got upset with me for some reason or another (I don't remember the specifics) and she blurted out to me "If you like them so much, why don't you just go ahead of fu** them, you have my permission!".  I knew not to JADE [even back then when I wasn't even aware of the term] so I just kept my mouth shut, and thought myself "WTF?" -- but didn't think much more of it until several weeks later when it came up again in a much more sinister manner. 

   In retrospect on what Ergo just shared, I just had an epiphany that I probably was taking away my wife's sense of safety as she viewed these other moms as a threat to her relationship with me -- and I want to explore that some more.

   About five weeks later, as I was sharing other adventures that I had done with our toddler daughter, my wife split and accused me in a fit of rage of being unfaithful by "fu**ing" all of these moms I was hanging out with. [I am assuming she said this because since she had previously given me permission to do so, five weeks earlier -- but I didn't, I was quite confused].

   Fast forward a few more weeks, it was Christmas Eve, my wife and I were in Toys-R-Us shopping and I bumped into one of the mom's as I rounded the end of one of the aisle's.  Since we were friendly, from the play dates in the park, I started talking to her and my wife recognized the name as she was one of the moms I hung out a bit more frequently -- I tried to call my wife over from the other aisle so they could meet in person [as my wife hadn't made the effort to come when I invited her to the playdates when she was previously concerned weeks prior to this] for the first time -- and she didn't come.  So, I innocently led the other mom over to her to the adjoining aisle where my wife was.

   *BIG MISTAKE*.  I found my wife semi-cowering in a slouching position in the other aisle, with the look of fear her face that I had never seen before [again I am only assuming this look of 'fear' was there because she was about to confront one of women that her husband is fu**ing in my wife's mind that she accused me of fu**ing about a week and a half earlier, the other mom waved 'hi', with a awkward smile, from a 10-12' distance and we parted ways -- and that is the last time I ever saw the other mom.  The fear in my wife was so great, I could also smell the sickening scent of fear emanating from her.

   As I felt so bad for my wife at that point, from that point forward, I deliberately isolated, to eliminate a source of fear for my wife [to intentionally provide safety for her mental well being] from all of my friends who were female [anyone who is reading this and considering doing this - DO NOT DO THIS, IT IS A HUGE MISTAKE, as it took away my support network as there were times these moms asked me about things from a 'guy's perspective' and the reverse was also true - kind of like what we are doing on this forum, but this was an 'in person' version].  This self-isolation was made easier, as I was offered another sea going job, and was no longer in the picture for the next 9 months and I deliberately did not keep in contact with this group after I indicated I was going overseas and would not have phone communications.

   About a year later, I got a full time job in the local Port near my home on a government ship that would only occasionally go out to sea, and I was able to commute for the majority of the year, except when the government had missions for me to go on.  I also reconnected just with the dad of that group, and we hug out, did projects around my home (I paid for the materials, the drinks, and I learned how to woodwork -- it was mutually beneficial) and even carpooled to work, as he was working on a job only 3 miles away from the ship I worked on.  After a year or so passed by, my wife had a borderline split in front of him as we were taking too long to finish a wall organizer that I had designed that was being installed in the garage.  Shortly thereafter, that relationship also fell by the wayside as he couldn't deal with her being 'crazy'.  I accepted this, as I wanted to provide comfort [a.k.a. safety] for my wife.  Also, at that time, she also had a borderline split in front of a contractor -- the contractor ghosted us and refused to quote the job that my wife wanted -- I eventually wound up doing the job myself a few years later shortly after I was forced to medically retire.

   Because I was providing 'safety' for my wife from the genuine fear of the perceived threats [cognitive distortions] of my friendships and acquaintances, eventually I had no friends or acquaintances left.

-----

Ergo,

   Can you give specific examples on how you destroyed safety  [in my case one of the examples was hanging out with moms in a park or library - never at anyone's home]?

   Can you give specific examples on how you created safety for your wife [in my case previously mentioned example, it was eliminating the sources that destroyed it - friendships and acquaintances]?

   While I did attempt to go to couple's counseling at that time; however, my wife fired all but one of them, who retired on us.