It's ok to control yourself, to numb yourself during a discussion with her. But we should not confuse controlling ourselves with being mindfully observant of what is happening inside of us, as it is happening. If you don't feel anything, and is just...silent, numb... This raises a flag in my mind...it sounds more like dissociation than mindfullness. Which means you aren't processing your feelings. In turn, those stay stuck within you under the guise of stress and rage.
Thanks for this post. I'm extremely busy at work right now (have been for a year actually due to badly planned and executed changes in the organization), and at home I rarely have time for myself. So, I have little time to write here or be mindful. The work situation was fine and exciting at first but now it's beginning to wear on me. I used to have time over for browsing the internet
15Y, you've been here for nearly a year. We've provided you with many suggestions and approaches. Thank you for listening... and trying. But one of the patterns with strong BPD behaviors is that one strategy doesn't last long. It's like that dutch boy with his finger in a dike, a leak will pop up elsewhere. What does he do when all 10 fingers and 10 toes are tucked into the leaks? That's similar to your dilemma.
We've been there, done that. Some of us have lesser issues to deal with and have managed to continue in the marriage, and can be found on the Bettering board. But what about those here who have faced worse problems, even abuse? If nothing seems to work for you, or not very long, we've been there, done that too. Many here, myself included, eventually concluded there was no choice for our own welfare (and that of the children) but to end the relationship. Separation and, if married, then Divorce. We don't advocate that as a quick option before tools, skills and strategies are attempted, but as a final option.
Here's what I wrote to another member here, likely you read it.
I mention this because at some point, if all else fails, don't forget that this option has been taken by many here. The distance apart has allowed us to regain a measure of stability, composure and relief. The resulting custody and parenting schedule has helped the children to discover what a normal home life ought to be with a reasonably stable parent, even if not 100% of the time.
Add to this that time is ticking and the children grow up and I'm missing out on being the dad I want to be. At the same time, it still feels like such an alien thought to break the family.
Being open to every perspective leads to being indecisive. I wonder if that's just my personality or if it's immature of me.
Amen to this.
If we take as an axiom that whatever you might say will certainly not "fix" the situation and most likely won't "help", then you are really left with "how do I minimize my input to the conflict".
"Kicking the can down the road" and "handing it back to them" are good places to start when devising strategies.
1. Hey...this sounds important, let me get us a glass of iced tea and then I can focus on what you are saying.
2. Hey...how is this discussion going to improve our relationship? (important to sound curious...not confrontational)
Make sure you have 4-5 responses based on each of these that are ready to go, so your responses don't get stale and because BPD will quickly adapt.
Seems a bit fake to act calm and collected and curious when I'm upset. But maybe this is a situation where trying to fake it til you make it could be useful?
