Two years on

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It's been over two years that my BPDex and I (33f) got together (he discarded me after four months, then a recycle, then final ending after another four months, as I rejected his subsequent recycle attempts). Even though we were only together for a relatively short time, I still have the feeling that I am not the woman I was before.

My romantic relationships have been particularly conflicted since then. I had one lover (grandiose narcissist) who dragged me down for another couple of months, and then fell in love with a colleague who just led me on (possibly covert narcissist). On top of that, three of the people I thought closest turned out to be narcissists themselves – the whole assortment, another covert, one communal, the third social... and it seems that almost every new person I meet is of the same ilk; the vast majority of people simply launch into monologues about themselves for hours on end, and don't even register my occasional interjections, let alone have any kind of actual dialogue.

My solution has been to cut all of these people out of my life, and now I spend 99% of my time alone. It's not ideal but it's better than being exploited by vampires all day, every day.

To this day, I am still taken aback when, every now and again, somone asks me questions about myself and is genuinely interested... I've been surrounded by so many disordered, self-absorbed, guilt-tripping people all my life. And even nowadays, it strikes me as if one has to pick the few healthy ones from an ocean of madmen. There are just so many cluster-B types around and so few well-adjusted characters.

– Back on topic:

Apart from the social/emotional fallout above, the most persistent effect of the relationship with my BPD ex is that I still struggle to focus, and even little things, such as eating and sleeping regularly, exercising, keeping finances in order etc. suddenly seem to take a lot of energy, even though they barely even registered on my agenda before. I feel as if everything that used to be easy has since then become maddeningly difficult, and I can't explain why. That's what bothers me the most. My BPDex was a completely incompetent human being and it's almost as if I contracted an "incompetence virus" from him – Long BPD, if you will. It feels as if that relationship caused some actual neurological damage and I suddenly lost at least 30-50% of my previous capabilities (which used to be above-average in some aspects and now just barely seem to chug along).

I wish I had seen then just what havoc I was wreaking on myself while I was sticking in that BPD relationship, trying to make it work; it's as if every single day, I chipped away a part of myself, and even two years on, I'm still trying to find the substance to rebuild it.

Some people can fondly remember the good times, the initial high, the lovebombing etc., but I just wish the entire thing had never happened. None of it was worth it in retrospect.

My heart goes out to everyone who got married to a BPD or stuck with them for years or even decades. I don't know how you did it.

[Sappho11]

It's been over two years that my BPDex and I (33f) got together (he discarded me after four months, then a recycle, then final ending after another four months, as I rejected his subsequent recycle attempts). Even though we were only together for a relatively short time, I still have the feeling that I am not the woman I was before.

My romantic relationships have been particularly conflicted since then. I had one lover (grandiose narcissist) who dragged me down for another couple of months, and then fell in love with a colleague who just led me on (possibly covert narcissist). On top of that, three of the people I thought closest turned out to be narcissists themselves – the whole assortment, another covert, one communal, the third social... and it seems that almost every new person I meet is of the same ilk; the vast majority of people simply launch into monologues about themselves for hours on end, and don't even register my occasional interjections, let alone have any kind of actual dialogue.

My solution has been to cut all of these people out of my life, and now I spend 99% of my time alone. It's not ideal but it's better than being exploited by vampires all day, every day.

To this day, I am still taken aback when, every now and again, somone asks me questions about myself and is genuinely interested... I've been surrounded by so many disordered, self-absorbed, guilt-tripping people all my life. And even nowadays, it strikes me as if one has to pick the few healthy ones from an ocean of madmen. There are just so many cluster-B types around and so few well-adjusted characters.

– Back on topic:

Apart from the social/emotional fallout above, the most persistent effect of the relationship with my BPD ex is that I still struggle to focus, and even little things, such as eating and sleeping regularly, exercising, keeping finances in order etc. suddenly seem to take a lot of energy, even though they barely even registered on my agenda before. I feel as if everything that used to be easy has since then become maddeningly difficult, and I can't explain why. That's what bothers me the most. My BPDex was a completely incompetent human being and it's almost as if I contracted an "incompetence virus" from him – Long BPD, if you will. It feels as if that relationship caused some actual neurological damage and I suddenly lost at least 30-50% of my previous capabilities (which used to be above-average in some aspects and now just barely seem to chug along).

I wish I had seen then just what havoc I was wreaking on myself while I was sticking in that BPD relationship, trying to make it work; it's as if every single day, I chipped away a part of myself, and even two years on, I'm still trying to find the substance to rebuild it.

Some people can fondly remember the good times, the initial high, the lovebombing etc., but I just wish the entire thing had never happened. None of it was worth it in retrospect.

My heart goes out to everyone who got married to a BPD or stuck with them for years or even decades. I don't know how you did it.

[SinisterComplex]

It's been over two years that my BPDex and I (33f) got together (he discarded me after four months, then a recycle, then final ending after another four months, as I rejected his subsequent recycle attempts). Even though we were only together for a relatively short time, I still have the feeling that I am not the woman I was before.

My romantic relationships have been particularly conflicted since then. I had one lover (grandiose narcissist) who dragged me down for another couple of months, and then fell in love with a colleague who just led me on (possibly covert narcissist). On top of that, three of the people I thought closest turned out to be narcissists themselves – the whole assortment, another covert, one communal, the third social... and it seems that almost every new person I meet is of the same ilk; the vast majority of people simply launch into monologues about themselves for hours on end, and don't even register my occasional interjections, let alone have any kind of actual dialogue.

My solution has been to cut all of these people out of my life, and now I spend 99% of my time alone. It's not ideal but it's better than being exploited by vampires all day, every day.

To this day, I am still taken aback when, every now and again, somone asks me questions about myself and is genuinely interested... I've been surrounded by so many disordered, self-absorbed, guilt-tripping people all my life. And even nowadays, it strikes me as if one has to pick the few healthy ones from an ocean of madmen. There are just so many cluster-B types around and so few well-adjusted characters.

– Back on topic:

Apart from the social/emotional fallout above, the most persistent effect of the relationship with my BPD ex is that I still struggle to focus, and even little things, such as eating and sleeping regularly, exercising, keeping finances in order etc. suddenly seem to take a lot of energy, even though they barely even registered on my agenda before. I feel as if everything that used to be easy has since then become maddeningly difficult, and I can't explain why. That's what bothers me the most. My BPDex was a completely incompetent human being and it's almost as if I contracted an "incompetence virus" from him – Long BPD, if you will. It feels as if that relationship caused some actual neurological damage and I suddenly lost at least 30-50% of my previous capabilities (which used to be above-average in some aspects and now just barely seem to chug along).

I wish I had seen then just what havoc I was wreaking on myself while I was sticking in that BPD relationship, trying to make it work; it's as if every single day, I chipped away a part of myself, and even two years on, I'm still trying to find the substance to rebuild it.

Some people can fondly remember the good times, the initial high, the lovebombing etc., but I just wish the entire thing had never happened. None of it was worth it in retrospect.

My heart goes out to everyone who got married to a BPD or stuck with them for years or even decades. I don't know how you did it.

Sappho my dear what I might suggest is that you should maybe do a daily journal here. Why? Well you are still holding onto a lot and you need support and people who actually give a S . You know by now with me at least I will always keep it 100...I may not always tell you what you want to hear and you may not like some things and well sometimes I can be an $$hole, but I actually come from the place of empathy, caring, and wanting to push you to do better. I am just merely an example and a minnow in this vast sea (Our community here). There are others here who care and give a S too. Now granted you still have to live in the real world and deal with some undesirables as we all do. Trust me some days when I get home I question if I am the weird one and I am the F 'ed up one because I truly believe the greatest plague and disease is stupidity and as you well know with many examples out in society...honey you just can't fix stupid!  But I digress...

Now with all that said...the daily journal idea I think would be beneficial because you get the chance to put thoughts and feelings out there and you get to keep getting rid of the weight (the negative feelings). Sometimes you may think no one is paying attention, but I promise there will be lurkers paying attention. Obviously I keep tabs on my peeps ;-)

Additionally, you are naturally artistically inclined and writing is truly an art so why not put forth your best Jane Austen/Agatha Christie?

If you can put it in your mind that you are writing to an audience who appreciates your input and an audience who cares you can get rid of the thoughts and feelings of why the hell am I doing this? Connection is important for many, but connection is very important to you. So connect more with us and your audience here. 

Just some food for thought...

And hey...Head up. Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better! Please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[tina7868]

Hi Sappho! I'm sorry about your difficult experiences.

Even though we were only together for a relatively short time, I still have the feeling that I am not the woman I was before.

I wish I had seen then just what havoc I was wreaking on myself while I was sticking in that BPD relationship, trying to make it work; it's as if every single day, I chipped away a part of myself, and even two years on, I'm still trying to find the substance to rebuild it.

I understand and relate to what you said about not being the same person you were before and chipping away a part of yourself after such a relationship. It is unfair that you were put through these difficulties. Yes, life can be unfair in many ways, and that doesn't take away from highlighting that you didn't deserve that.

Sappho my dear what I might suggest is that you should maybe do a daily journal here. Why? Well you are still holding onto a lot and you need support and people who actually give a S  

I will second SC in encouraging you to share your feelings in this community whenever you want to, to help process your feelings. You have our support.

[poppy2]

Hi Sappho,

I'm sorry to read things haven't become easier for you. If you can, I would try to find something indulgent to look forward to - such as a trip or holiday. Pamper yourself. I don't think it's ridiculous to say that it's the hardest thing to do if you actually feel down in the dumps, but then even more necessary. What would feeling better even feel like? Very, very hard to imagine when you're low. For me, it was hiking, and seeing the ocean again, and it helped a lot.

In terms of neurological damage, it's entirely possible. I've also definitely felt this way and there is nothing nice, fun, or redeemable about consequences as PLEASE READty as that. Fortunately, the brain also rewires itself..i don't think I'm there yet but it really is like recovering from a car accident and therefore it takes time (grrr). F*ck them for sure but why give them even more of your time and attention? They don't deserve it.

Sending you healing vibes and wishes that you'll recover yourself,

poppy

[Sappho11]

Thank you all for your kind words and compassion. It helps.

I've made a few lifestyle changes recently and I'm already feeling better. Taking long walks and cooking from scratch more often, eating in peace away from screens, having a glass of claret at night while listening to good music. Also started smoking again (in moderation) – absolutely no regrets, wish I had done so earlier. The past few years have been a complete desert on a sensual level, so it's nice to feel a desire for these things again and to be able to indulge it.

My problems may be caused by but aren't directly related to my BPDex anymore. I feel I've already said all there is to say about him and have analysed every shred of our interactions to the point of saturation. That's done.

The brain fog is a real nuisance though. I hope it'll lift with more exercise. I also need to start getting up early again.

Ironically, my urban malaise has been supplanted by another blow. It's almost comical. For the past two years, I've been clinging on to the fact that at least my finances were in good order. Well, with soaring energy prices in Europe there's now an end to that, too. My entire savings will now be used to settle a huge annual bill my energy provider sent me the other day, and I will have to spend 30-40% of my net income on electricity/gas in the foreseeable future (and that is already factoring in that I slash usage of both utilities in half, in other words, freeze). It's insane but that's the fate of many fellow Europeans these days. – Long story short, the financial stability is gone, and bizarrely that has now given me something to work on, an interim purpose if you will. I don't know yet how I'm going to solve it though.

tl;dr Still discontent, but now I have "actual" problems to deal with instead of a strange, foggy general malaise.

And poppy, you are right – trips do wonders. I went to Paris a month ago and loved it, never felt more at home anywhere in my life. This sense of belonging, a kind of Geborgenheit, was a first for me – I stepped off the plane and there it was, overwhelming, inexplicable. Literally everyone I encountered was incredibly encouraging and accepting, and for the first time in my life I got the sense that it was enough to just exist as a person, without having to prove myself. – I'll be returning this month and next (booked the trips before I got that huge bill), going to see whether there's work for someone in my business.

I'll need to find some extra income by the end of the year if I want to keep returning to France once a month. More urgently, I also need to rebuild my emergency fund... and if things continue in the same spirit, open another and save up for possible emigration.

Strange times.

[judee]

Hi Sappho,

Thank you for posting.
I haven't been here for awhile, but when I read your post I couldn't help but reply.
I don't think it is neurological damage, but trauma you are (still) dealing with.
The confusion and disorientation after a relationship with somebody with a cluster B personality disorder is, is you ask me, one of the worst.
I feel exactly the same and I read a lot about it in the meantime. Maybe it will help you to look up ' trauma symptoms after BPD ( or cluster B) relationship '. You will prob find a lot of what you are going through.
For me, the fear is the same but a different shade.. the confusion about who he is ( I felt early on he lacked a real ' self') it seems I have it now. I used to be a person who loved being alone.. after this breakup I have been dealing with depersonalisation, panic attacks, nightmares about him, fear of being with myself. Those were things he was dealing with on a daily basis and I to me this is new. He was diagnosed BPD, was in therapy twice a week and took into depressants. Like yours, my relationship with him was also relatively short ( altogether we we together for four months throughout 2021/2022).
The relationship was heaven in the first few weeks  and then hell, in short. The breakup was traumatic. I broke up with him first last January, I took him back after 6 months and then some more weeks of true hell followed around august after which he discarded me in fear that I would again.In those weeks I felt my nervoussystem was giving in dealing with his daily crazy. I basically feel that also with you, that is all that happened. And I do believe they will heal in time. given enough 'normal' connections around you and acceptance for where you are. ( I am still trying to be patient as well with that).

 7 Years ago I was with an extreme narcissist ( I had never heard of narcissism before) who left me in sever trauma for months. It took me three years to get over eventually. After him a BPD with narcissistic traits followed, then four years with someone 'normal' (however he still had to break up with his ex when we were already together ) after that my most recent ex, a diagnosed BPD with narc/sociopathic traits. He, for the first time in my life , got me on anti anxiety meds right now. It is that bad.
My brain feels fried from all these crazy people and I feel so confused about everything and everyone.
However, your post made me hopeful there are at least people who see this too and still 'feel' at a normal level, even pain.
I hope you give yourself some credits for that, even when you aren't able to focus after two years, that you will be OK. And what you feel is too. Brain plasticity is a fact. I read something about after trauma the left and right brain ( logic / emotion) gets zapped and you can get them to make friends again through certain tasks... like creative work of any kind ( writing, fixing something in the house, painting, playing an instrument ) where as well left as right side have to work together again.