Hello everyone,

Me (43/f) and my boyfriend (43/m) are in a monogamous, committed relationship. We live together and have 4 cats, 1 dog, no children. We both experienced a lot of trauma growing up, and we both struggle with ADHD. From the beginning of our relationship, I've noticed behaviors from my partner that were confusing and/or very concerning.

I've categorized and explained what is concerning me in order to give a brief overview.

anger/rage: In addition to chronic irritability and impatience, my boyfriend has, on several occasions, become enraged to the point that he becomes sarcastic, mean, yells, curses and has punched, tossed, thrown and slammed inanimate objects around him, or punched his own face. His impatience, irritability and anger all have hair triggers.

selfishness/irresponsibility: If he doesn't get what he wants, he will, at best, harangue me with his reasoning until I give in. If I continue to assert my opinion or desires, cannot sufficiently defend my desires, or for some other reason don't give in, I might invoke anger (see above).
He does not pick up after himself, and leaves a trail of debris in his wake. For several reasons, we each have our own bedroom, and his is a disaster, with trash, old food, used dining utensils and dirty clothes tossed indiscriminately among disregarded electronics, etc. His mother has jokingly (she was laughing) apologized to me twice for failing to parent him out of this behavior.

substance abuse/eating disorder: At the very beginning of our relationship, my boyfriend was arrested after getting drunk and refusing to leave a restaurant. He assaulted the officer. With a good (and expensive) lawyer, he was able to wiggle out of consequences. He continued to binge drink on weekends until, after one evening when he was extremely belligerent toward me and a danger to our pets, I set the boundary that if he ever drank to excess again I would leave him. Within the last year or so, he has begun using marijuana daily.
By his own admission, he suffers with binge eating disorder, and has failed several attempts at restrictive dieting during our relationship. Over the last few years, I would estimate that he has spent thousands of dollars ordering food deliveries. He orders food deliveries every day, sometimes twice daily.
I am allergic to smoke, and find the smell of marijuana revolting. My boyfriend spends most of his free time in his bedroom with the door closed, smoking marijuana, researching topics of interest to him, playing computer games, and eating.

grandiosity/superiority: From the beginning of our relationship, my boyfriend has seemed to think that he knows the better way to do just about anything - cooking, interior design, driving, pet training, etc. He has frequently stopped me and offered to show me the better way to do something, or asked me why I am doing something a particular way. A parent/child dynamic has developed, wherein I feel that my faults (both idiosyncratic and serious) are called out, analyzed, and thus maximized over his, which I do not mention.
My boyfriend makes bold, affirming proclamations about himself on occasion. Over time, he has stated at one point or another that he would make an excellent/amazing: politician, religious leader, FBI agent, motivational speaker, business consultant. He also frequently refers to his "magicianing" and "magicianship" skills of handling people and situations.

antisociality: My boyfriend has admitted to torturing and killing a kitten when he was very young. He expressed regret and sorrow over this incident, and links it to trauma that he experienced as a child. Some of our biggest arguments, however, have been the result of me confronting him over his behavior toward our own pets. He will touch or hold one of our pets against their will, or in a way they don't like. He has even acknowledged that our dog "hates it" but "lets" him do it out of "love."
He has admitted to an incident wherein, when he was younger, he chased a peer around the yard with a sharp weapon, and thought it was funny. He has also admitted to shoplifting when he was younger. He recently stole a face mask from a drug store because "the line was too long."
Within our relationship, he has grabbed me, held me down and pressed on my abdomen when I got up to go use the bathroom. He thought this was funny. He has used his phone, without my consent, to record video of me in compromising, embarrassing situations, including recording me using the bathroom. He thinks this, also, is funny.

Currently, my boyfriend is in therapy, beginning EMDR treatment to address his trauma. He is not just a list of negative traits - he is also kind, funny, brave, a hard worker and intelligent. Given time to reflect, he is able to acknowledge his fault and apologize.

I'm hoping to get honest feedback, reality checks, support and advice from the group here.

Hi, Kells76! Thank you for the welcome.

I'll answer your questions:

We've been in a relationship for over 4 years.

I've had concerns from very near the start of our relationship - after the first few months.

We moved into a new place together, but he purchased it, and only his name is on the mortgage - there is significant financial inequity in our relationship, as I am disabled and unable to work in any significant capacity. I do receive social security benefits.

Initially, I suspected that my boyfriend may have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but after spending time learning about it, I felt that he exhibited traits, but didn't fully fit the profile. My therapist has stated multiple times that my boyfriend is "personality disordered," and did, when I asked, confirm that Borderline Personality Disorder fit.  My therapist has also commented on his "antisocial" traits.  I've learned that Cluster B disorders tend to blend, and that's definitely what I'm seeing with my boyfriend. It isn't any one thing specifically that led me to suspect a personality disorder, but rather all the bits that add up - the history of trauma, the irritability, extreme anger, difficulty with relationships, blame shifting, substance abuse, etc.

Thanks again for welcoming me!