Weekly r/s check-in sessions

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Having a standing reservation for a weekly relationship chat once or twice a week, has that been effective for anyone? Or does it only invite trouble?

[15years]

Having a standing reservation for a weekly relationship chat once or twice a week, has that been effective for anyone? Or does it only invite trouble?

[Mutt]

Hey 15years,

Can you elaborate on that?

Do you mean checking in with your SO every few days?

What is your goal if you were to check-in?

[15years]

Hi Mutt,

1. I wonder if it could work as a way for her to be less impulsive if she has a routine, for example checking in with her feelings every Tuesday and Thursday evening, and that it would reduce conflicts on other days.
2. A routine for me that would make my life more predictable - Knowing beforehand that every Tuesday and Thursday-evening will be a little tricky while lessening conflicts on other days... If she lets of steam on Tuesdays and Thursdays, maybe it would show in statistics that the other days are less chaotic than usual.

My worry is, will this only increase conflict, because at the very least, I'll invite conflict two times a week. I don't have much hope of any real positive outcome from r/s - talks. It's just the "letting out steam" part that feels realistic as a way to make life more tolerable for the time being.
Also, she would probably expect me to validate her to an extreme on these occasions, otherwise she will only consider it a failure on my part.

[Mutt]

Hi 15years,

I follow what you're saying. It's like playing sports - one thing that it helps with is it helos with regulating your feelings when you habe a physical routine that releases endorphins etc.

You're thinking about having a routine where it will help her regulate herself.

Some people can talk more easily about their feelings while for others they have a more difficult time talking about their feelings because they don't understand feelings or they're scared that once that they start talking about them that they're dealing with something that they can't control.

If I were in your shoes I would think about if she is interested in helping herself becsuse if she's not then I would think about what I can do for myself when she's acting impulsive.

[kells76]

If she lets of steam on Tuesdays and Thursdays, maybe it would show in statistics that the other days are less chaotic than usual.

Knowing your W, do you think she would (could?) stick to the schedule of only talking about your relationship on those two days?

I.e., would this schedule be more about hoping she'd limit it to 2 days per week...

or, would it be more about you deciding for yourself when you'll engage?

or, something else?

[15years]

Thinking more about it now, the only realistic outcome would be to focus arguments to certain moments, in this case I can do that without her knowledge. I can have my own schedule, for example, twice a week after work, I ask her if she wants to have a tea break just the two of us, and I make room for her to share her feelings. This would then make her feel like I make an effort and room for her feelings to exist. For me, this feels like a safer and more effective alternative.

If I were in your shoes I would think about if she is interested in helping herself becsuse if she's not then I would think about what I can do for myself when she's acting impulsive.

I don't think she is interested in helping herself. She is not receptive to thinking that she needs to change, because she thinks this all the time already when she's not acting out. Acting out comes as a consequence when she thinks "I have tried to change for others, now it's my turn to be myself, and be heard!". Taking away this is like saying she needs to be a door mat for the rest of her life.

[zondolit]

My husband and I tried weekly meetings. We had stuff we needed to discuss that wasn't getting discussed; my husband blamed me for this so I offered a weekly meeting as a way of showing I was open to discussion. I also proposed the weekly meetings because I wanted our discussions to take place in a public setting (we met at coffee shops); I thought this would help us both regulate our emotions better.

Ultimately, we both agreed (and that is rare!) the meetings were not working. We both dreaded them. They were like anti-dates! We stopped scheduling them.

The exercise was helpful to me on a few accounts:
1. My husband initiated most discussions. I avoided discussions. The planned meetings helped me think about and propose subjects for discussion instead of letting my husband take the lead and me reacting (often defensively).
2. The deeper issue remained: I want to problem-solve while my husband doesn't or can't or whatever it is. I'd try to prepare myself in advance for making only little or no progress toward problem-solving, tell myself this would be an hour of mostly listening, validating, trying to be curious, but I often just watched the clock ticking down until I could excuse myself and be free.
3. The public setting did help us regulate our emotions but my husband still had trouble. So I found myself worrying what he might do in public (while also partly wanting him to make a scene). Still, it was helpful for me to sit there more neutrally in a coffee shop and think, huh, my husband looks quite angry!

Since this time I've gotten better at the various skills so maybe scheduled meetings would work better?

I've also gone toward more action and less discussion when it comes to my husband, and this is liberating.

[Manic Miner]

I'm not sure what are you trying to accomplish here 15y?

After everything you said about her, I'm not sure anything logical and meaningful can be set to reduce the stress you're having. After all, her preoccupation with your past teenage relationships is beyond anything logical. It's completely disordered thinking. You said she was violent, threatening and getting worse. Connecting the dots you get... what exactly?

Perhaps what you said was exaggerated, as you perceived or transcribed it worse than actually is. But I think that's unlikely at this point.

So what do you hope? You can't fix her, you can only change how you perceive and relate to her. You and yourself only. Are you able to be around that person - your wife, for years to come? You have to think about your children and how they perceive your relationship. I'm not sure of their age, but if possible, try talking to them openly and ask how they feel.

She is not receptive to thinking that she needs to change, because she thinks this all the time already when she's not acting out. Acting out comes as a consequence when she thinks "I have tried to change for others, now it's my turn to be myself, and be heard!". Taking away this is like saying she needs to be a door mat for the rest of her life.

I hear you. This was exactly the change my W did, almost 3 years ago. She was thinking that she pleased others for years and the day has finally come to be herself, do what she must and move on. And just when she started adjusting and getting better, I "protested" and knocked her out - again.

The effect is that I'm not only abandoning her, but I'm doing it while she's getting better, so I'm double-invalidating her!

This is, of course, a distorted thinking. The truth is somewhere else.
Did she use to please others, sometimes at own expense? Oh yes, so many times. Did her newly discovered methods work to 'be herself' now? Oh no. In fact, she's still pleasing others, but different kind of people, on a different level. Even if it's not to extent that used to be, she shut the whole block of her very being to help manage herself.
Analogous to cutting your entire ankle to mange a toe pain that had a chronic blister, instead of changing your shoes.

I cannot for the life of me explain that her methods are not doing any good, that I am not against her, far from it. She lost touch with so much. So much of the good is getting lost or already gone. She didn't address her rage, anger, shame and fears. All core issues remain. I'm sad, but there's nothing I can do for her, unless she starts fixing herself properly.