I'm not sure what are you trying to accomplish here 15y?
After everything you said about her, I'm not sure anything logical and meaningful can be set to reduce the stress you're having. After all, her preoccupation with your past teenage relationships is beyond anything logical. It's completely disordered thinking. You said she was violent, threatening and getting worse. Connecting the dots you get... what exactly?
Perhaps what you said was exaggerated, as you perceived or transcribed it worse than actually is. But I think that's unlikely at this point.
So what do you hope? You can't fix her, you can only change how you perceive and relate to her. You and yourself only. Are you able to be around that person - your wife, for years to come? You have to think about your children and how
they perceive your relationship. I'm not sure of their age, but if possible, try talking to them openly and ask how they feel.
She is not receptive to thinking that she needs to change, because she thinks this all the time already when she's not acting out. Acting out comes as a consequence when she thinks "I have tried to change for others, now it's my turn to be myself, and be heard!". Taking away this is like saying she needs to be a door mat for the rest of her life.
I hear you. This was
exactly the change my W did, almost 3 years ago. She was thinking that she pleased others for years and the day has finally come to be herself, do what she must and move on. And just when she started adjusting and getting better, I "protested" and knocked her out - again.
The effect is that I'm not only abandoning her, but I'm doing it
while she's getting better, so I'm double-invalidating her!
This is, of course, a distorted thinking. The truth is somewhere else.
Did she use to please others, sometimes at own expense? Oh yes, so many times. Did her newly discovered methods work to 'be herself' now? Oh no. In fact, she's still pleasing others, but different kind of people, on a different level. Even if it's not to extent that used to be, she shut the whole block of her very being to help manage herself.
Analogous to cutting your entire ankle to mange a toe pain that had a chronic blister, instead of changing your shoes.
I cannot for the life of me explain that her methods are not doing any good, that I am not
against her, far from it. She lost touch with so much. So much of the good is getting lost or already gone. She didn't address her rage, anger, shame and fears. All core issues remain. I'm sad, but there's nothing I can do for her, unless she starts fixing herself properly.