New and struggling

[50andwastedlife]

Hi, I've been with someone for 20 years who was diagnosed with BPD after we'd been together for about 3. It's been tough. I had quite bad MH problems when we met - severe depression, drinking etc and had a number of exes I still knew, which caused a massive problem for my OH. He left his wife and 2 kids to be with me and always still describes it as a mystical experience (us getting together) which I ruined immediately by having exes in my life. That "crime" has been with us since. We gave up alcohol (both alcoholics) in 2006, and got married that year. We have one daughter, now 13. My OH is a good Dad, and the 3 kids are well-adjusted and stable.

It's always been really hard. Nearly 10 years ago, I worked out my massive family secret, and my MH improved somewhat. In 2018 my Dad died and my mother became more demanding. My OH loathes my family - who were unwelcoming, but also are unvalidating as they don't know his diagnosis and are not very nice people at the best of times. He developed PMR post Covid, and I've had to take a job outside the home. We ran a small business together but have always been below the poverty line. Now he is on his own for several days a week and it has pushed him over the edge.

He has always blamed me for everything that's wrong in his life, and especially now. We argue all the time, and he blames me and says he can't believe anyone could see someone "dying in front of them" and cause a horrible argument rather than being compassionate and caring. I am not able to get out of the drama triangle. My hands are raw with digging my nails in and my teeth no longer align from grinding them, but I can't stop saying the wrong thing. It's a nightmare. I wake up in panic at the prospect of his mood. He has no friends any more and can't drive so is isolated in our village. He is very suicidal, and repeatedly tells me he blames me and I betrayed him. I don't know how to make it right, but is that just trying to rescue? I don't know anything any more. I know I make dramatic statements too, I'm not letting myself off the hook, I don't seem to be able to stop myself. I'm having to resort to self-harm to cope, as there isn't anything else. Being there is hell, but not there is worse as I know he's on his own suffering from the terrible abandonment feelings that make him rage at me.

Sorry to go on.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Twinkle_Time]

Hi there,

I'm new here, too. I just wanted to welcome you. It sounds like you are in a really difficult situation.

- Twinkle_Time

[Rev]

Hi 50

My name is Rev. I just wanted you to know that I've seen and read this, and I also wanted to say welcome.

Thank you for sharing your story. I wonder what it was like for you to write it. Did it help? Has it raised questions?  

People come here out of all kinds of circumstances and every story is different. And yet I think we all end up here for the same reason - to try and make sense of a relationship that sometimes defies reason. Does that resonate for you?

So, please continue to reach out as you feel the need. There are lots of great people here, lots of wisdom and lots of willing ears and hearts. There is one thing that you will not find here - and that is judgement.

Just one thing that I want to say before I go - self harm is a common thing when we feel like there is nowhere for our pain to go. Is that what is happening for you?  I really want to know that you are safe.

Are there things about taking care of your own needs that you are struggling with in particular that you want to unpack here? Sometimes it can feel like the only defense we have to get our own needs taken care of is to try and take care of someone else first hoping that they will reciprocate.  What do you think? Does that fit with how you are feeling or maybe there is something else?

Hang in there. Reach out any time. And again, welcome.

Rev

[50andwastedlife]

Thank you Rev and Twinkle Time, I really appreciate your responding.

I'm feeling somewhat paranoid about my dBPDh finding my posts on here, so will probably just read for a while rather than post. But it is good to connect.

[Rev]

Thank you Rev and Twinkle Time, I really appreciate your responding.

I'm feeling somewhat paranoid about my dBPDh finding my posts on here, so will probably just read for a while rather than post. But it is good to connect.

Super - lots of wisdom here.

And re - worrying about finding posts here, that is a common thing we hear when people first arrive. I remember the week I changed my social media passwords twice just to extra sure I was careful. It's normal and it's healthy to be careful. It's what keeps us safe.

At the same time, there are 100,000 members here. And there are hundreds of posts every week.   So, for sure, keep reading. And when you feel more comfortable, reach out again.

Please stay safe.

Hang in there.

Rev

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi 50, 

I also wanted to pop in and welcome you. I'm glad you're here, and I hope you feel more comfortable soon. I think that most all of us were a bit hyper-vigilant when we first started posting, looking over our shoulders in fear of the one we live with. There's reasons we encourage a non identifying name and that no one mention anything that might give you away such as names, where you live, etc. Our stories typically overlap here.

I'm really sorry that such a heavy burden rests on you, the feeling of hopelessness and being trapped. It really sounds so hard on you. I also want you to know that you'll be safe here, and I want to just give you a hug 

Take care,
Wools

[vasso]

Hi
I have read you post and I feel exactly the same way . I relate to your cooments about digging your nails into your hand and grinding your teeth and never being able to say the right thing

[Rev]

Hi
I have read you post and I feel exactly the same way . I relate to your cooments about digging your nails into your hand and grinding your teeth and never being able to say the right thing

Hello Vasso.

Also wanting to say welcome.

Sorry for what you're living and happy you've found us.

It can terrible things to our sense of self when we're never sure what to say. My adult children noticed that I had just stopped talking.

No one here will judge you.  This is a safe place. My friend Wools here was a great help to me in rebuilding my self esteem.

Hang in there  Reach out any time

Rev

[ClarityNow]

I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I’ve been married to my pwBPD for nearly 20 years and my teeth are horribly misaligned now from the stress. He’s actually sick right now with something like the flu, and as you can attest, BPDs get much worse when they’re sick. The one thing I’ve discovered recently is that it’s VERY important to disengage from the drama. BPDs get something out of starting dramatic conflicts with us, whether it’s attention or just transferring their negative feelings to us. When you remove yourself from the equation, they stop getting those benefits, and their tantrums tend to die off sooner.

I’ve done a lot of work recently to build up my self-esteem (which he had crushed over the years) and now I realize that his meltdowns have nothing to do with me. Our BPDs are basically toddlers emotionally, incapable of managing and expressing their emotions in a mature way, especially if there’s the slightest amount of stress involved, like sickness. You just need to keep reminding yourself of that and distance yourself from his behavior. Just as you would treat a toddler throwing a tantrum, stay calm and rational, at least on the surface. Notify him that when he starts insulting and belittling you, you will leave the room, and you won’t return until he has calmed down and can behave like an adult (which I find can take hours sometimes).

When your pwBPD is hurling insults and attacks at you, it can be so hard not to react angrily or burst into tears. But the more you start to view him as a person with an emotional disability, the easier it becomes to ignore his outbursts…just like you would calmly step over a toddler who has thrown himself on the floor, wailing. Show him your life can and will continue despite his outbursts. Focus on building up your own self-esteem by exploring your interests, making new friends, and even getting counseling if you can. And if your husband has good days or moments, give him some positive reinforcement for that. Good luck!

[50andwastedlife]

Thank you all again for replying; I really appreciate being heard. And for being understanding about the paranoia! My pwbpd hates any reference being made to his diagnosis and insists it has no relevance to anything wrong in his life and that it is just my obsession, so it would be very bad if he found I was here...

ClarityNow - I have realised over the years that it is toddler behaviour! Exactly like an angry two year old repeatedly hitting its mother because she won't do what he wants...!

But he is a very clever man, unlike the toddler, and almost always manages to trip me up and trap me into engaging. He hates it if I'm calm and not responding, and sees it as me being cold and rejecting him. It's always a lose-lose situation. Occasionally he has insight and can see that he's being triggered into seeing me as his abusive mother, but he just sees it as me behaving like his abusive mother, not him templating her onto me.

So hard not to just moan, though. I recognise that it's not very constructive! I'm really struggling with being 50 and feeling like I have completely wasted my life; 20 years spent in what amounts to an elaborate form of self-harm, being belittled and blamed.

My pwbpd's abandonment issues are too bad for me to take time with friends, see a counsellor etc - he has taken a serious turn for the worse since I've been working outside the home part time. It is a bit unendurable. BUT! Every single day for a minimum of an hour, usually more, he has to express at length how terrible his life is and it's all my fault. The injustice of it really gets to me sometimes.

[50andwastedlife]

I joined this very helpful site 2 years ago (should change my username to 52and wasted life!) but got too paranoid about my pwbpd finding out I was posting here and stopped. I've returned a bit lately and really hope that some of the good advice people give can help me. I read my own initial post and nothing has changed at all, except that things have got worse, so I have pasted in below, by way of re-introduction. In the meantime my pwbpd has done a year of intensive group CAT therapy, which has  made no difference, and we have been referred to family therapy, for which I have few expectations. I realise my own part in the whole problem - my codependence that is equally a cause - but I don't know how to change myself. Please help!

Hi, I've been with someone for 20 years who was diagnosed with BPD after we'd been together for about 3. It's been tough. I had quite bad MH problems when we met - severe depression, drinking etc and had a number of exes I still knew, which caused a massive problem for my OH. He left his wife and 2 kids to be with me and always still describes it as a mystical experience (us getting together) which I ruined immediately by having exes in my life. That "crime" has been with us since. We gave up alcohol (both alcoholics) in 2006, and got married that year. We have one daughter, now 13. My OH is a good Dad, and the 3 kids are well-adjusted and stable.

It's always been really hard. Nearly 10 years ago, I worked out my massive family secret, and my MH improved somewhat. In 2018 my Dad died and my mother became more demanding. My OH loathes my family - who were unwelcoming, but also are unvalidating as they don't know his diagnosis and are not very nice people at the best of times. He developed PMR post Covid, and I've had to take a job outside the home. We ran a small business together but have always been below the poverty line. Now he is on his own for several days a week and it has pushed him over the edge.

He has always blamed me for everything that's wrong in his life, and especially now. We argue all the time, and he blames me and says he can't believe anyone could see someone "dying in front of them" and cause a horrible argument rather than being compassionate and caring. I am not able to get out of the drama triangle. My hands are raw with digging my nails in and my teeth no longer align from grinding them, but I can't stop saying the wrong thing. It's a nightmare. I wake up in panic at the prospect of his mood. He has no friends any more and can't drive so is isolated in our village. He is very suicidal, and repeatedly tells me he blames me and I betrayed him. I don't know how to make it right, but is that just trying to rescue? I don't know anything any more. I know I make dramatic statements too, I'm not letting myself off the hook, I don't seem to be able to stop myself. I'm having to resort to self-harm to cope, as there isn't anything else. Being there is hell, but not there is worse as I know he's on his own suffering from the terrible abandonment feelings that make him rage at me.

Sorry to go on.

[kells76]

Hey, welcome back 50AWL -- I'm glad you felt like you could return any time and get some support. That's definitely what we're here for.

It's pretty profound that you could cut to the chase here:

I realise my own part in the whole problem - my codependence that is equally a cause - but I don't know how to change myself. Please help!

Many members take a long time to get to where you're at. Genuinely knowing that you don't know how to change yourself is actually a big step.

It is difficult to change ourselves. It's hard when we don't have awareness of our contribution to our problems, but it's hard even when we do. I wish it were as simple as: "once you are enlightened with the information, then it's easy to make the change" but I think both of us know that isn't the case. I'm working on that in my own therapy.

It's uncomfortable to sit with knowing that we need to change but seeing ourselves not making the changes yet. I get it.

Yet it also sounds like some things have changed in your family dynamic over the last two years. Your H participated in therapy (albeit with not much impact) and there's an offer of family therapy on the table.

I'm curious, do you have a therapist for yourself in all of this? Marriage/family/group T can help but aren't the same as individual T.

And how are the kids doing? Is the family T for them, or for you and your H?

We can start there -- hope to hear back from you, whenever works best for you.

[50andwastedlife]

Thank you kells76 for your thoughtful response. I think the last 6 months have made me realise that I'm the only person who can change things. But I seem as unable to as my husband! He has taken to accusing me of being a narcissist, which is a worrying thought, maybe that is part of the problem?

My husband has had therapy on and off for the 22 years we have been together, and for the last decade, BPD focused CAT etc. He needs to have the sense of being looked after, and therapy plays right into that. He does have an awareness that his abusive childhood left him scarred. He sometimes says that if I leave work that is giving in to the toddler him. So he has alot of awareness, at times. But he only says that when I'm there and he is in a better frame of mind. He also has frequently demanded that I never refer to his diagnosis again. I try not to go on about it but sometimes when he's asking what I think he should do to cope, it seems like a community of fellow sufferers might help.

I suppose what I need help with is how to respond to suicide threats, and accusations of being like a murderer and destroying his life? I vow not to respond but do, or I try to say something bland, but it's hard to think of anything.

Our daughter is 15 now, and ok, we both try to shield her, but now she is older, and my working has sent my husband over the edge, it is hard and I think she is building walls. As I did in my own adolescence...

I'm not having therapy. The family therapy is for me and my husband - which means it's for my husband. Because I work, I can't see friends or make phone calls, or have therapy or anything in the time I'm not at work, as the guilt my husband induces in me for any time not spent listening to him his insurmountable.

This is not very coherent. Thank you again for responding.