Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
February 02, 2023, 02:41:54 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Once Removed, I Am RedeemedTurkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, Kells76, Mutt, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
100
Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
A perspective on BPD
Ivan Spielberg, PhD
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: I guess honestly is not the best policy.  (Read 361 times)
meed

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 9


« on: November 29, 2022, 09:37:51 AM »

I have been in therapy bc of low self esteem issues and co-dependency. One of the things I have been working on is honesty. One of my uBPDh complaints about me is that I am am not honest with him. I have come to the realization that he is right because I have to be really mindful of when and if I tell him certain things basically depending on his mood. This is really hard bc there may be something I need to tell him but sometimes have to wait days or weeks before I bring things up. It causes me great anxiety and I am working on it. Anyway, I decided that I would tell him things that I need to tell him right away as a way of being honest and not hiding something that I know. BIG MISTAKE! A friend had texted me yesterday morning about a milestone birthday celebration that was going to take place for a small group of high school friends and she was inviting me. My relationship with my girlfriends is a big trigger for my BPDh I believe because it is time away from him.  I decided to tell him last night instead of waiting until after the holidays which I normally would have done. He went off! Starting screaming and saying very rude and mean things. I was able to remove myself from the situation so that was a good thing for me. It was very disheartening because the last few weeks or so have been great for us. We have been getting along well and he was even helping around the house and was great on Thanksgiving. I always fall into the trap of me thinking he is "cured" when he has weeks of no outbursts - but BPD always ends up rearing its ugly head. Thank you for allowing me to share this. I appreciate this community more than you know!
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

yellowbutterfly
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: divorcing
Posts: 124



« Reply #1 on: November 29, 2022, 10:52:10 AM »

hi meed,

Welcome! I so identify with you about what you wrote. My stbx uBPDh would often complain that I wasn't honest with him. It was the same as you describe, I had to be selective with what I would share and when based on his mood. If I shared "too late" he raged and I was a liar. If I shared too early it back fired on me and he retaliated. It was so hard! Plus, thinking they are cured too happened to me after a few days/weeks/etc of stability.

From what you wrote, I would not describe you as being dishonest, even if he does or you do. I see it as a protection strategy since you desire to be honest but are anxious about the potential reaction you could receive. I know I was as well, you are not alone! I'm glad you have a therapist to work with as I've found that a great support option.

I don't have any advice but I sense that other members here do as they did for me in my posting journey. I mostly just wanted to say I hear you and I know how you're feeling. Sending strength and good thoughts!



Logged
Rev
Ambassador
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 1184


The surest way to fail is to never try.


« Reply #2 on: November 29, 2022, 01:47:21 PM »

Hi Meed,

Welcome to the BPD family. I would echo that finding the timing is next to impossible and would certainly cause anyone to fall in on their own sense of self-confidence and self-esteem.

I too won't offer any "advice" but instead let you know that I've read this also. And I'll add there's a reason we call this "Walking on eggshells." It is part of the way pwBPD adapt - by keeping those around them off balance.

So, hang in there and keep reaching out.  The more you get affirmation, and you will get lots here coupled with wisdom, the more you will find your footing. Not easy. Not often fun. And that's why we support each other, because with help, it can improve. 

Thoughts?

Reach out any time.

Rev

Logged
healthfreedom4s

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 47


« Reply #3 on: November 29, 2022, 04:18:25 PM »

Hi Meed,
I have experienced both of what you have described:
1) Trying to time some updates, waiting for days/weeks (building up anxiety in the process) and eventually being accused of withholding information or dishonest. Their general lack of trust in people makes it a double whammy
2) Thinking that my uBPDw has turned the corner and getting better, only to have a major episode weeks or months down the line. I have lived with her this way for seventeen years now, most of which not understanding that she could have BPD. It has been only less than a year since I found this community, that I have firmly rooted my assessment that she has BPD and adjusting my response accordingly.
I don't have a direct solution/suggestion for #1. Building awareness about BPD and learning the tools (Don't JADE, BIFF) help in an overall way.
For #2, I think the pull of good side of the relationship makes us forget the episodes and not see the certainty of episodes repeating. I think we need to get realistic about this condition.
Logged
meed

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 9


« Reply #4 on: November 30, 2022, 09:08:47 AM »

Thank you all for your kind and supporting words. I thought that honesty was something that he wanted, but I guess I will go back to my old ways of waiting to say things at the right time. He has BPD and a person like that has to be treated differently. I have to accept it and not beat myself up over it. It is not lying and it is not manipulating (as I have been told by him) - it is just the way that I have to deal with him for my own sanity. Sad but true.
Logged
yellowbutterfly
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: divorcing
Posts: 124



« Reply #5 on: November 30, 2022, 10:30:17 AM »

Wise words Meed,  "It is not lying and it is not manipulating (as I have been told by him) - it is just the way that I have to deal with him for my own sanity. Sad but true."

Logged
LifewithEase
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 79


« Reply #6 on: December 01, 2022, 11:22:42 AM »

Welcome!

I can related directly to your experience. You'll find welcome company in your experience here on the board.

Honest v. timing. It is tough. But as others have written, they are intertwined. Even being honest about non-emotional things can trigger if my uBDPw disagrees.

A lot of formal BPD advice about planning with friends/family states to start early, give the BPD a lot of heads up. 90% of the time my uBPDw dysregulates when I make plans with my side of the family. It is hard work. The other area of advice is to just "do." Do your life and not respond when they get upset. Over time it actually help build boundaries

"I always fall into the trap of me thinking he is "cured" when he has weeks of no outbursts - but BPD always ends up rearing its ugly head."  This is very true and sad. For years I saw and monitored these cycles alone. Keep a journal so you can better see the patterns. Over time you'll see the "calm" before the "storm."  It helps me.
Logged
SaltyDawg
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 402


« Reply #7 on: December 04, 2022, 06:10:22 AM »

Use the DBT tool "Wise Mind"

NEVER be dishonest, that will destroy any relationship.

However, do validate their feelings [even if you disagree with them by saying something like "I hear you", "I can understand your perspective"], being silent, or withholding of [likely] triggering information is not being dishonest, it is being tactful.

Do be honest; however, you need to time it, or rephrase it so it become more palatable to them.  By saying something like, "I would love to talk to you about this; however, I need [or I need you (if they are yelling at you)] to be calm and collected before I blurt out something that I might regret" versus something that would inflame the situation.  Do, this twice, and walk away from the situation until they have calmed down for at least 10 minutes.

And when you do talk to them when they are baseline [not triggered (not splitting or raging)], use "I" pronouns, and avoid using "we", "but", "because".  There are communication techniques that you need to learn to become less inflammatory from the perspective of a mentally unstable person which includes BPD.

Logged
meed

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 9


« Reply #8 on: December 05, 2022, 02:39:56 PM »

All of your posts are very helpful. I read them from time to time to help me feel better.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged
kells76
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 2244



« Reply #9 on: December 09, 2022, 11:16:16 AM »

Good suggestion from SaltyDawg about trying some DBT tools for ourselves. You can learn some more about the idea of Wisemind in our workshop here, on Triggering, Mindfulness, and the WiseMind. Check it out and let us know your thoughts...

kells76
Logged

meed

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 9


« Reply #10 on: December 13, 2022, 11:25:01 AM »

Great reading Kells76! Thanks for the suggestion. I find that I am checking in with myself every day - even if it is a good day - to be aware of how I am feeling. It is becoming important to me to reflect on my own feelings and give myself a break when things are going south. I usually beat myself up over things and Wisemind is helping me realize that I have the ability to take a breath and think about my own feelings.
Logged
SaltyDawg
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 402


« Reply #11 on: December 13, 2022, 12:52:49 PM »

'self-care' I found out the hard way, in my humble opinion is the most important thing you can do for yourself.  Putting your feelings first, is self-care, it is kind of like putting on your mask on an airplane that is in trouble before putting the mask on your pwBPD. 

Please realize that pwBPD will have relapses.  My uBPD wife has made incredible gains for the past two months, only to 'relapse' momentarily this morning, but then caught herself, after throwing the first punch when she got mad at herself [I just got in the way of her physical presence when I got up to assist] for a really stupid reason that she did.

I have studied other borderlines, in addition to my wife, to figure out their thought processes.  You need to be hypersensitive to their changes in mood and be aware what might even remotely trigger them.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2022?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2022 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
Goldcrest
Lemon Squeezy
Mommydoc
SamwizeGamgee
Skip



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!