Need to Talk

[Bpdspousehelp]

My wife was newly diagnosed with BPD, although she refuses to accept or acknowledge the diagnosis. While she has been newly diagnosed, the criteria for diagnosis has been on display in our house for at least the last 6 months.

Things are getting bad. Feel like I have nowhere else to turn, and no one I can talk to about it. I lose sleep at night worrying about the safety and mental health of my 2 year old.

Any advice or conversation would be incredibly appreciated.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SaltyDawg]

Is she a high-functioning invisible variety - they often refuse any kind of diagnosis.

If she is a more conventional one, how violent is she?  You will have better luck convincing this type that they need to help themselves.

You cannot fix them, only they can fix themselves, and that can only happen when they are self-aware of their situation, and also feel compelled to address the issue.

The key to getting positive results from therapy, is that they need to become self-aware.  This is incredibly hard to do, and requires a great deal of effort on your part.

The key to doing that is different for each person.  It was my uBPDw's perception that she is a monster in the eyes of her child, not me that convinced her that she needs to improve. 

Also, keep in mind, this is more difficult for the person with BPD, than it is for you.

It is getting late for me [east coast USA]; if you respond, I will respond again, in the morning.

Take care, welcome, you are in the right place, there are resources here and elsewhere.  Ask questions, vent your frustrations, read other peoples posts, read the articles, there are a lot of resources here.

[thankful person]

Welcome bpd spouse help. It can be a very rocky road but this is a fantastic group you have found here. There is so much to learn here and from the amazing people in the group. I recommend the book, “stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist”. If you share specific examples on here of what is causing the most problems in your marriage then the good people here can help you to navigate things a bit better by advising you on your words and actions and how you can better communicate with your wife. I found I could make so much difference without my wife wanting to improve or believing she had any part to play in our problems. We have 3 small children and since the third arrived recently my wife has severely turned on me again and all my stories I was sharing on here of improvement feel like a distant dream. I’m thinking of you and your child.

Salty dog, I had heard of these different types of bpd, but my wife doesn’t fit either really. She was suicidal, self-harming and eating disordered when we met so she also has bpd diagnosis. She went through dbt therapy to help bear the self harm and eating disorders which she did so she Diane think she had bpd anymore and I see no point at all in mentioning it. As I have low self-esteem and a lot of self anger, I thought we would be continually apologising to each other for everything when we got together. WRONG. My wife has never apologised for anything. She has also been violent in the past though thankfully not in the past 1.5 years. How did your wife realise she could be a better mother and person? My wife seems thoroughly unaware of the effects of her behaviour on the children. Though I know it is a shame disorder and I do understand that when she feels ashamed she doesn’t ever share it.

[SaltyDawg]

Salty dog, I had heard of these different types of bpd, but my wife doesn’t fit either really. She was suicidal, self-harming and eating disordered when we met so she also has bpd diagnosis. She went through dbt therapy to help bear the self harm and eating disorders which she did so she Diane think she had bpd anymore and I see no point at all in mentioning it. As I have low self-esteem and a lot of self anger, I thought we would be continually apologising to each other for everything when we got together. WRONG. My wife has never apologised for anything. She has also been violent in the past though thankfully not in the past 1.5 years. How did your wife realise she could be a better mother and person? My wife seems thoroughly unaware of the effects of her behaviour on the children. Though I know it is a shame disorder and I do understand that when she feels ashamed she doesn’t ever share it.

It sounds like your wife may have additional comorbidities, and have a combination of the different types of borderline.

Low self-esteem, I have had that too as a result of the abuse, but I am working on that with self-care.  It is better now that I know what I am dealing with, and with therapy it is getting better.  However low self-esteem also entraps you in codependency. 

Until just last month, my wife never sincerely apologized for anything either.

I am pretty sure that I have identified the turning point, even though I was the cause, I am not the reason why my wife is turning herself around.  I was sending a text to my new therapist on the letter that I had written to my wife and recited in front of my wife's individual therapist and I only listed the issues that my wife was aware of [6 suicide attempts, physical violence then and now, projected violence, raging, etc.].  However, I accidentally sent it to my 15yo daughter.  I asked her to delete it, she did, but the damage was done as she had already read it.  My wife absolutely freaked out when my daughter told her about it.  Our daughter correctly observed that my wife and I had a very toxic relationship with each other.  Our daughter also called my wife a 'monster' after my wife confirmed my accusations of her.  I am almost certain that this is the event that caused my wife to reach 'her rock bottom' on the issue - it wasn't me, even though I was the catalyst with the act of a misdirected text to my daughter.  Something dramatically shifted inside my wife's head and her mind changed in a good way as she is now capable of things she I had never observed her doing before - neuroplasticity I believe is the technical term for it.